Okay so this is the STUPIDIST thing I've done all week

[pegkerr]

Two nights ago I was in bed drifting in sleep when I suddenly heard something. Sort of a fluttering sound, quite close to my head. A few minutes later I heard it again. My eyes flew open, and I was suddenly terrified. A bat! A bat was somewhere in the bedroom! I looked around in the semi-darkness, but I couldn't see it.

I staggered down the stairs and called to Rob in a strangled voice. "There's a bat! I heard it"

I'm totally freaked out by bats. Yes, I know that they don't fly in people's hair, but I am. Shut up. So Rob deals with them. (It's okay, because he's freaked out by spiders, so I always deal with those.) So, following our usual protocol, I shut myself up in the bathroom, gibbering in mild panic while Rob, intrepid and Mighty Hunter, patrolled the house with a flashlight and a pickle jar. After twenty minutes, he announced that he couldn't find it. "It's strange," he said. "Usually if they're here in the house, they don't alight for very long, and I see them flying around."

"Well, I didn't see it, but I definitely heard it." I was sure about that. Reluctantly, I went to bed and slid uneasily into sleep.

Last night, I heard the sound again. This time I was just slightly more awake, and suddenly I knew what the sound was. I had to hide my face in my pillow from my own mortification.

Yes, Friendslist. I'd gone into full mode Bat Panic and made Rob search the house because I'd scared myself with the sound of my own snoring.

Oh, Rob is going to laugh when I tell him!

Comments

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Nope. Do tell.

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

Back about five years ago--when I was living in Linden Hills--I came home from work, opened my apartment door, and THIS BIG GODDAMN THING came FLYING STRAIGHT AT MY GODDAMN FACE.

And I did the only logical thing I could do.

Screamed liked a school girl and fell flat to the floor.

Actually I'm not afraid of bats--they're cute, and I like watching them fly about in the evenings when I can--but swear ta' God I'll develop a fast and healthy fear of anything that's moving screamingly fast towards me at my eye level.

Any way, the thing must have flown out into the hall or something, because once I regained consciousness it was gone.

I got to work the next day and mentioned my bat adventure to Tim*, one of the managers.

"Here's what you do, Dave", he said. "The next time that happens just wait until it lands on a window screen, get a towel, sneak up on it, and get it wrapped up in the towel. Then all ya gotta do it take it outside, let it go, and you'll be da' man".

Since I am a middle aged gay guy, I'm always looking for a chance to be 'da man.

Sure for shooting, there was another bat when I got home that day, and--back, face down on the floor--I remembered what Tim said.

The thing finally stopped flitting around, and came to land on my kitchen window screen.

By that time I'd crawled my way to the bathroom, had grabbed the biggest towel I could find, and was ready.

Frankly I don't know how I did it, especially when it came to pulling the little beast off the window screen. And how'd I get the apartment door opened? All I can think is that I must have had the bat pretty well wrapped and had it held to my stomach with one hand. Nearly lost it when--halfway down the back stairs--when it started struggling. Images of my being pregnant with some unholy creature popped into mind.

Got out the back door, flung the towel up in the air, and some how managed to duck and try to see if the bat flew away at the same time.

The following day I found Tim, and told him all about it, adding, "But I gotta tell you, I did not feel like 'da man'."

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*Just for the record, Tim once signed off on my request for a "Big Bomb Flame Thrower".