100 pushups

[pegkerr]

Due to some severe personal stress recently, and a bad experience when I made my first attempt at Week 5, I had abandoned the programme for the past week. My conscience has been nagging me, however, so I decided today to restart Week 4 for the third time. I'm switching to the new program, and moving to the third column.

W4, D1 (3d time)
21, 25, . . .

then I attempted the third rep and collapsed after only managing 12. I lay there on the floor of an empty office here in work and thought I give up. I can't do it. It's too hard.

I went to sit back at my desk, very glumly. I can't believe I'm quitting. I put my iPod earbuds back on. I had been listening to my Hope playlist all day, and the song on my playlist was Bruce Springsteen's "Into the Fire" from his album The Rising. I listened to the words, and a lump rose in my throat. It's the song about the Trade Towers, singing to the firefighters as they climbed stair after stair past all the people going down. How could they bear it physically, carrying pounds and pounds of all that equipment--on the way to their deaths?

The sky was falling and streaked with blood
I heard you calling me, then you disappeared into the dust
Up the stairs, into the fire
Up the stairs, into the fire
I need your kiss, but love and duty called you someplace higher
Somewhere up the stairs, into the fire

May your strength give us strength
May your faith give us faith
May your hope give us hope
May your love give us love

May your strength give us strength
May your faith give us faith
May your hope give us hope
May your love bring us love

You gave your love to see, in fields of red and autumn brown
You gave your love to me and lay your young body down
Up the stairs, into the fire
Up the stairs, into the fire
I need you near, but love and duty called you someplace higher
Somewhere up the stairs, into the fire

May your strength give us strength
May your faith give us faith
May your hope give us hope
May your love give us love

I thought about it hard for several minutes and then decided to try again. This time, I wore the iPod. The music was paced perfectly for the pushups. May your strength give us strength / May your faith give us faith / May your hope give us hope / May your love bring us love I started doing the third set of reps again:

[21, 25, (12),] 21, 21, 32

On the last set of reps I paused several times and went into a downward dog, to rest, but I didn't put my knees on the ground, and I finished the 32--well, barely. That last one was pretty sketchy. I collapsed on the ground and suddenly found myself crying as Bruce continued to sing softly in my ears, about courage, about the ones who served as an example, about never giving up.

This has been a really hard week.

Comments

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

Why are you so hard on yourself? Your body is an amazing machine, but you have to LISTEN TO IT. It's telling you that, for whatever reason, you're not at your peak today. You have enough stress in your life, Peg. Don't go looking for more. You'll reach your goal eventually. But be good to your body.

[kijjohnson.livejournal.com]

Amen.

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

By the way, I know you're a dear friend of Peg's and I've seen you around, so just wanted to say hi.

[kijjohnson.livejournal.com]

Hi! Nice to meet another FoP. :)

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

See, my thinking is that any FoP (love that!) has to be cool. And I hear nothing but great things about you, even if you are a Yankee. *g* I'm in Texas so feel free to call me a redneck.

[kijjohnson.livejournal.com]

I used to be in Kansas, which isn't Yankee country! Well, it was a Free state, but otherwise not so much. Now I'm worse than a Yankee, I'm a Left Coaster. :)

[kijjohnson.livejournal.com]

I used to be in Kansas, which isn't Yankee country! Well, it was a Free state, but otherwise not so much. Now I'm worse than a Yankee, I'm a Left Coaster. :)

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

Oh, the horror!

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

Yes, you should push your body but there are limits and it's telling you. You know how interconnected the mind and body are. I think your life is taxing your reserves so much emotionally that something like yoga or pilates--something that gives your mind some peace--would be wonderful for you right now. Karate is amazing, yes, but it's yet another toll on your emotional reserves, which are being tested beyond measure right now, my girl.

[aome.livejournal.com]

I've been wanting to give up, too. I've done W5 twice on the first column, and a third time on the second column, but in this third round I've only been going down about halfway, and even that's a struggle. I feel like I'm getting weaker, not stronger, and I'm feeling incredibly discouraged. I'll do the next exhaustion test tomorrow, but I'm not feeling very optimistic and it's hard to keep encouraging myself. I congratulate your persistence, especially under the circumstances.

[kijjohnson.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you were able to do the pushups. Little achievements can be a big comfort.

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

We prayed for you, your father, and your family today.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I really do appreciate it.

[cantkeepsilent.livejournal.com]

This finally pushed me over the ledge to recreate an LJ account. :)

Check out http://www.army.com/enlist/push-ups.html before you write yourself off. The United States Army says that you are a superwoman, and I agree.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Wow. You created a Livejournal account just to reply to my post? I'm honored. Have you been reading awhile?

I hope you stick around and comment more. And thanks!

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Seems silly but I got tears in my eyes from this. I've been in situations analogous enough to have some idea maybe of how this felt and what it took to finish, and I am impressed.

I have my first race in Asia this weekend, not having been in a boat more than twice in the last two months. (Rowing machine, yes.) I have no idea how many paricipants there will be or how it will go. But one thing I know: after a race years ago I watched the videotape and swore I would never again have to watch myself giving up on proper form and power at the end of a race, no matter how I felt or how I was doing. And I never have since then - not even the time at Masters' Nationals when I heard the finish horn for the winner just as I entered the last 250 meters of a 1000m race. I may well end up DFL but I won't end up giving up on my own race.

[kiwiria.livejournal.com]

Doesn't seem silly, I was the same way and was just about to comment to say as much.

Beautiful lyrics, Peg! I'm usually not all that much into Bruce Springsteen, but I have to find that song. Henni's a huge fan, so she may have it - I'll have to ask.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard week. I'm praying for you and your family.
*hugs*

[satakieli.livejournal.com]

First, how wonderful. Given what you do, it would be more than fair or sensible if you called a pause in your 100 pushups progress. But damn, you did it.

On a more selfish note, thanks for the inspiration. I got through the first three weeks before getting off schedule while on an observing trip (had scorpion qualms spending that much time in close proximity to the floor in the dorm room, but public space issues doing it in the main areas with other observers and staff around, so I just didn't do it) and then I never started up again when I returned home. It's time to start again, and if I have to start with week 2, so be it. Failure doesn't have to be permanent. I appreciate the reminder.

[enegim.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on completing it! W5 is really hard, somehow much harder than the others. I'm currently on my third attempt at it.