pegkerr | A real writer?

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writers block

A real writer?

I'm indebted to

elisem for the pointer to Neil Gaiman's on-line journal. Neil is the author of the Sandman comic books, which I am ashamed to say I haven't read yet, although many of my friends rave about them, and a series of fine novels (his latest is American Gods, one on my ever burgeoning heap of must-read-this-soon books). A very interesting example of an online journal for a working author.

Apropos of nothing, I still think they should consider casting him as Sirus Black when they film the Prisoner of Azkaban movie. (Note the black leather; I believe he rides a motorcycle, too.)

Listened to an interesting NPR story on the way home from work, about the song "Swimming to the Other Side" by folk singer Pat Humphries. I was particularly interested in what Humphries said about the creation of the song. It just "came out of her," she said. A little business about creation being like "taking dictation." There was an quote (I didn't catch it all) about being "downstream" from the force of creation that offers up songs to the composer's imagination; I think there was some joke about being downstream from Bob Dylan. Didn't catch it all.

Anyway, it prompted that old welling up of bitterness again at how difficult writing has become for me. I have had that sensation of divine inspiration in the past, that the perfect words are effortlessly pouring out, but in the past four years, whatever force drives my fiction writing has dried up. (I remember Megan Lindholm's narrator's remark in her short story "The Silver Lady and the Fortyish Man": "My muse was always a fickle bitch. . . ") I envy those who seem to have a continual well-spring of ideas, of creation. I don't. I rarely have.

I've brooded over the problem for a long time, trying to understand why, and I've examined and discarded a variety of different explanations. I'm lazy. I've lost it: the gods of creation have withdrawn their divine gift from me for some unfathomable reason. Maybe because I've sinned (was I too proud of my books, or something, and my pride erected an overly strong internal critic that damaged the creative well-spring?) Maybe the effort of trying to hold down a full-time job and raise kids has short-circuited the creative process somehow. I need rest (not that I'm likely to get any). I need to re-stock my creative well. I need to do morning pages, like in The Artist's Way. I need more faith. I need to Try Harder. I need to Relax and Let it Flow. I need to Try Less Hard.

I've tried all sorts of tricks to get around whatever is causing the block. I've tried reading books on writing, I've tried writing exercises, I've tried brute force, I've tried . . . well, never mind. I've tried it.

All these mental twists and turns, all this creative agony, and I have damned little to show for it.

I imagine that it sounds quite odd (perhaps even irritatingly self-indulgent) that someone who has had two books published wonders whether she can really call herself a writer anymore. But I have been seriously wondering.

Well . . . ahem . . . on second thought . . .if I can bare my soul by admitting this, perhaps I am still a writer after all.

Perhaps. (Or am I just kidding myself?)

Peg, still wondering.

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From the screenplay of Shakespeare in Love

DR. MOTH
So now you are free to love

WILL
yet cannot love nor write it.

DR. MOTH reaches for a glass snake bracelet.

DR. MOTH
Here is a bangle found in Psyche's
temple on Olympus cheap at four pence.
Write your name on a paper and feed it
in the snake.

WILL looks at the snake bangle in wonder.

WILL
Will it restore my gift?

DR. MOTH
The woman who wears the snake will
dream of you, and your gift will
return. Words will flow like a river.
I will see you in a week.

He holds out his hand. WILL drops a sovereign into it,
and takes the bracelet.

Joel Rosenberg gave me a button when I first started having trouble with the block. It's still above my desk. It says: "So I haven't been writing lately. Neither has Shakespeare."

Well, I've only ever been a short-story (fanfiction) writer, not a novelist, but I sincerely empathise. In late 2000, early 2001, I was on fire. I was writing an average of 2 fics a week, and once I made it up to 4. In one year (July 2000-June 2001), I produced nearly 50 stories, the majority of those being between November and March.

Then the tv show I was writing for took a 6-week break (no re-runs), and suddenly my Muse went away. I chalked it up to lack of source material, but it did not come back when the show did; I managed a few more very short ficlets, but no more full stories. When I switched to Harry Potter - I wasn't a wellspring of ideas, but the actual writing still came relatively easily. And then even that was gone. I struggle now; my whole writing style seems to have changed. And it's unbelievably frustrating.

What part do you have a hard time with? Overall plot? Details? Do you have it all in your head but it won't come out? Or are you not finding a sense of inspiration or topic material at all? Do you *want* to write, or are you feeling as if you *should* write? I'm just curious, because I've faced, or have seen others face, all of these troubles at various times.

Obviously, can't really offer any advice here - especially since you said you've tried it all already. :) Just ... I hope your Muse *does* come back; she probably will, but the waiting is sure hard. My mother's approach to things like this was usually "God, I know you have a reason for this, but it had better be good!" ;)

Oh, and I concur - that picture of Neil Gaiman would make an excellent Sirius!

I feel like I can't come up with the initial idea. Or I have enough ideas to start, but it sputters out so that I get perplexed by WHAT COMES NEXT. Or I get paralyzed by the notion that the idea I have is boring.

Interestingly enough, it took a lot of handholding from Pat Wrede, my mentor, to come up with the plot for my first book. I stole the plot of my second book from Hans Christian Andersen. I'm just not that confident with plots.

Since finishing The Wild Swans I have started a prequel to Emerald House Rising but it ran out of gas after about seventy manuscript pages. I couldn't see my way out of a plot point to get out of a scene alive. Then I started a collaboration with Kij Johnson, an epistolary novel. We were playing the Letter Game, as Pat Wrede and Caroline Stevemer did in Sorcery and Cecelia or Emma Bull and Steve Brust did in Freedom and Necessity. I really like what we've done so far, but Kij sold a two-book contract to Tor, and so we had to set it aside while she works on that.

Other than that, I've written one short story.

In four years.

Aargh.

You've probably already tried this, and even so I'm once again struck by my chutzpah at presuming to give tips to a published author when I'm just a fic-writer (with a couple of "I got stuck on the plot" half-finished stories of my own) but -- one thing I know helps quite a few of us ficc-ers is to present what you've written so far to someone you trust, and ask them for input. I've done that for other people, and have asked people to look over my stuff too. They can say what comes to mind, in their mind, as to "what happens next" or for overall plot ideas. Or if you have a general idea, but need blanks to be filled in ("I want to get to Z, but I don't know how to get past XY first") - they can do that. You can have a little brainstorm session with someone, even better if you can do it in a chat (or in person) -- Have you tried something like that?

How about -- reading stories where you've thought -- "I would have handled that differently" or "I wish they had expanded on this idea" -- could you use something like that for inspiration?

Otherwise, sigh, I'm generally of the 'don't force it' variety. And I'm sure you've probably tried all these things already.

So, now that I've babbled pointlessly, all I can say is -- I'm sorry to hear you're frustrated, and I hope your Muse cooperates soon.

Debbie

Re: Neil Gaiman as Sirius Black: JK Rowling once agreed, in response to a fan's question, that Sirius Black is supposed to be "deadsexy." Neil has that quality in spades. (In fact I understand it's been a bit of a problem for him, as he's accumulated some obsessive stalker-fan types). Anyway, I was always highly amused by Lyda Morehouse's story about him. Lyda was interviewing him for Science Fiction Chronicle. Neil usually wears dark sunglasses, but at one point he took them off and looked her straight in the eye, and she became so flustered that she could hardly continue the interview. What makes this particularly hilarious is that Lyda's gay. But as she put it, "Now I understood why he was wearing those sunglasses. He was wearing those sunglasses for my protection!

Well . . . ahem . . . on second thought . . .if I can bare my soul by admitting this, perhaps I am still a writer after all.

I think so. You have the internal questions.

Maybe the muse is on vacation in Tijuana or something? ;)

I'm finding it hard myself to reconcile Writing Life and Working Life. The stresses of work make it hard to want to come home and spend yet more hours at the keyboard... sometimes. Sometimes the stresses of work drive me to the keyboard. Not recently, though. Writing hasn't happened around here for a few weeks now; too busy, too preoccupied, playing escapist on the Internet too much. Bad Internet!

Or rather, bad me. :(

I'm going to an SF convention this weekend and hoping that, as usual, the conversations and discussions will bring the Muse back to work. Right now I have a feeling she's sitting around in the Tijuana Muse Cafe, drinking margaritas and complaining about me, no doubt.

- Darice

If you tell me you are a writer, I will believe you easily.

Heck, I'll believe it even if you don't tell me.

Not sure that helps, but in case it does, there it is. And I think your penultimate line in the essay is a telling one, and that it's telling you yes.

I find myself wondering, "Can a Muse be courted?" Or, perhaps, the better question might be "Can writing be courted?" (I find muses distracting, though pleasurable, myself. I write more happily when possessed either by a story, an emotion, or a deadline. The third thing is the most reliable, in my own experience, although I know folks for whom they are not helpful at all.)

In any case, I hope Good finds you and uses you, whether that's by writing or no. (Given the cool kids you're raising, I am pretty sure Good knows your address and uses you regularly to enter the world!)R

One of the least helpful people in my life said something very helpful to me once:

"Would you stop thinking it to death already?" Or, there's a saying (Confucian, Taoist, something or other - been a long time since I encountered the source) that goes something like, you can't catch a butterfly, but if you just relax and go about your business one may land one you anyway.

You've got a lot of stress-makin' stuff going on - unemployment stuff, which probably pings on the financial radar in an annoying way; no-fun-job stuff, which whammies the spirit; basic family stuff, which is not bad but is time- and thought-consuming. Regardless of whether or not you've experienced stress during other creatively dry spells, this may be one of those times when thinking about something else that's not going the way you want will simply result in spinning your tires.

Maybe it would help if you sort of let go of the writerly frustration. Not ignore it - the moment you try to ignore something, that's when it decides to camp out on your front lawn with a hundred of it's noisiest friends. But, at least shelve the part that's giving you trouble right now, i.e. the Writing issue. Instead of wondering why you are having trouble Writing, and thus making Writing a really not fun thing, maybe just be content with Scribbling. Like, Scribbling in your LJ, Scribbling your 'morning pages.' If nothing else, it may simply give your psyche a rest. I know I always deal with things better when I'm well-rested.

:) Alternatively, feel free to ignore me

I think you're a good writer. From the strength of these essays--I've not read any of your fiction--I can see you're a good writer. You can lay down words in a row that set a scene, conjure an emotion, tell a story. And you seem to be able to do that on demand, which is something I cannot do.

But there's being a good writer and being able to write a novel. You say that you can't plot. That's possible; plotting is a separate task than writing. So cheat again; there are enough Hans Christian Anderson-like plots lying around to last you a lifetime. Or write things without a plot. Or don't worry about the plot and just write scenes.

Pushing on the boulder isn't likely to get it to move. Consider, for a while, the boulder as part of the landscape.

B

I'm in a special history program (well, not anymore, but I was) and we interview people about a particular topic and turn it into articles for our annual publication. It took me four months to sit down and turn my first transcript into a draft. And then later, another interviewee's article took me three days. It's frustrating when you feel like you have things to say and no way to say them. That's how I get sometimes. I have to say, if you feel blocked on fiction, perhaps all of this non-fiction (your LJ) could help. When I feel particularly like a bad writer, I just think of something interesting that happened to me in the past week and write it down until it's interesting to someone else.

And if all else fails, the book that made me want to pick up a pen and write something great was "Last Watch of the Night" by Paul Monette.

-M

Your block isn't about writing, it's about writing fiction. Bruce's point is a good one, I thought. Entire industries exist on the strength of one single plot; there's plenty of stories out there.

K.

*sigh* Writing is such a joy when it's going well, and such a pain when it's not. I haven't found a really foolproof way to break writer's block, or I'd be a lot more productive than I am. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now, which probably accounts for a considerable amount of it. However . . .

I will say that I believe that the notion that writers work on inspiration is a myth; sure, it's more fun when you're feeling inspired, but the writing is not always better. I just wrote a story that was like pulling teeth -- I hated my protagonist, didn't understand her, couldn't get inside her head -- and the only way the story worked at all was from a first person, borderline stream of consciousness point of view. I like the finished product, but I'm still not sure I could classify the writing of it as "fun"; maybe "satisfying" in a way, but not fun.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that if you're not feeling like your writing is just "coming out of you" that's not necessarily a horrible thing, and it doesn't mean that you're not a writer anymore. I think the fact that you're upset by the very idea of not being a writer, as you said, confirms the fact that you are. People who aren't writers don't particularly care about that; people who *are* writers and who feel called to do that with their lives *do* feel upset if they doubt themselves.

As for plots . . . oy, that's also my weak spot (for the novel I wrote last year, I actually used your idea of stealing a fairy tale storyline and my plot *still* sucked). Have you tried character sketches? or do those fall under "writing exercises" (which I have also found to be zero help)?

I hope I helped, but methinks I probably didn't. I wish you the best of luck.

Stacy

Hi, I got to your journal through CC's journal. So we have reciprocity in action. Neil Gaiman. I can't stress enough that you NEED to read his work. I'm convinced he was my soul mate and that I've committed some horrible crime in a past life that he and I will not know each other in this lifetime. *weep*

No, seriously. He has a very funny and irreverant writing style. If I could recommend ANYTHING of his, I'd say that you need to read "Good Omens" which he co-authored with Terry Pratchett. I recommended it for months to my friend Rube, and she finally caved in and bought it. She says it's a hilarious read. Read it. Live it. You won't be sorry.

And yes I enjoyed it very much. It's primarily because of that that I want to read American Gods. That book turned me onto Terry Pratchett, too, and I have since read many of his books.

Neil lives quite close to me actually, so I see him at local events (booksignings, conventions and the like).

Cheers,
Peg

Peggy -

I don't understand the mechanics of logging in without an
account or password. So I logged in as anonymous even though I am your father and should have some credibility
and credentials for that feat. Are you familiar with the
writer, Frederick Forsyth? I just completed a series of
interesting short stories by Forsyth included in his book,
"No Comebacks" which includes a series of stories all with
surprise endings. They were well written and I was intrigrued by his ingenuity in surprising the reader like
O'Henry. It has been fun for me to read your journal as well as many of the encouraging comments you have received
from many readers, friends and critic's who strongly affirm
your writing gifts. Consider yourself affirmed strongly
from Columbus, Georgia.

In studying the various comments, I even saw a wonderful
comment from Heather in New York to your call to say,"hello
to your mother." It reminds me of the tacky vintage World
War II crocheted pillows that they used to give away at the
Riverview Amusement Park in Chicago for knocking over a
pllar of wooden milk bottles with a baseball. All the
pillows had the sentiment needlepointed on them, "What is
home without a mother". Perhaps you could say, "What is
the world without writers". Fortunately we don't have to
live without their enlightment or your's either. Thanks for
an enjoyable half hour of musing. Dad

Okay, I am going to get a bit woo-woo here. Bear with me for a minute or two.

In many parts of the world there is a strong belief in the Evil Eye. The evil eye is not cast on people on purpose; it is generally believed to be accidental on the part of the caster, and is also generally believed to be inspired by jealousy. You do not eat anything special or covet-worthy in public, in much of Asia, because you might attract the evil eye. Someone would become jealous of you, and as a result you might trip in a pothole and break your leg or something.

I'm not a Wiccan or a New Ager or anything like that, but I do believe -- well, sorta -- in the evil eye.

As writers, we can fall prey to jealousy even from our best friends :) (at one point, jealousy wreaked havoc on some of the dynamics within my writers' group -- we got through it, but it was hard for a while). I'm sure you've been on both sides of this before.

But, I believe -- sorta -- that sometimes other people's jealousy becomes damaging to us, even if the jealous person would never consciously hurt us. I have, on occasion, prayed explicitly for protection from the evil eye and malicious magic (if any is being directed towards me, consciously or unconsciously), and asked that God also give comfort to anyone who might be directing bad energy towards me (since presumably they need it). It sounds rather ridiculous when I type it out, but -- well, it can't hurt and might help, right? There are also various talismans that have been used traditionally to ward off the evil eye, but personally, I prefer prayer; it seems more direct. I also think it works better.

You've been struggling with writer's block for a really, really long time. Maybe it's just trouble with plot or whatever, but maybe it's some form of Bad Juju. I know you believe in God, so try asking for protection. Can't hurt, might help.

I'm not gonna sign my name to this; too embarrassing to admit in public that I believe in the evil eye. *laugh*.

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A real writer?

Muse - Rob would look good with a snake bracelet :)

Re: Shakespeare

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What it's like

Re: What it's like

Neil

Yes.

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Maybe...

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Yes, I've read Good Omens

Musing

one other thought about writers' block