Forehead slap

[pegkerr]

That appalling noise you hear is caused by the spinning plates turning into falling and shattering crockery.

I forgot. What with the surgery and recovery, I entirely forgot. Fiona was supposed to attend the citywide black belt test tonight, to be the partner of a girl who was testing, so that she could hold the pad and be the subject of self-defense moves, etc. I am absolutely mortified. Rob called me at 6:30 to ask about it; apparently they said something at the dojo about it when Fiona turned up for class. She was supposed to be across town at 6:00 p.m. I left a groveling message of apology on sensei's cell phone (of course he wasn't answering it because the testing was going on), asking that he please not hold this against Fiona. It was my fault.

I am so humiliated.

Edited to add: Okay, okay, everyone, message received. My job this week is recovering from surgery, and I am given a pass on my usual job of running the universe. Fiona got to the test late, but was still able to help Jackie out, who successfully passed the test.

Edited to add again: It was written on the calendar.

Edited to add yet again: Ahem. PLEASE QUIT SCOLDING ME.

Comments

[redbird]

Where is it written that Fiona has no memory, and that neither she nor her father can maintain a calendar or write notes on the refrigerator door?

[starsthatguide.livejournal.com]

Particularly when her mother has just had major surgery accompanied by mind-altering and memory-inhibiting drugs?

Peg, please, please, PLEASE lighten up on yourself. It's one thing to feel badly that because this happened a classmate of Fiona's has lost an opportunity. It's another thing entirely to take a disproportionate burden of guilt on to your own shoulders to the point that you feel shame to the point of humiliation.

[naomikritzer]

Yeah, absolutely 100% what they said.

This is a good illustration of why assigning the "remembering ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING" job to Peg is not necessarily a good idea for the people who normally benefit from it.

Ditto

[lsanderson.livejournal.com]

Wot they said.

[tesla-aldrich.livejournal.com]

/agree!

Poor dear. I think there's a rule somewhere stating that you MUST cut yourself some slack after undergoing major surgery.

On another note, I'm glad to hear that you're recovering well.

[cheshyre]

ditto.

You've just had surgery -- take it EASY

[bohemianspirit.livejournal.com]

Unless, that is, you really ARE responsible for running the entire Universe -- in which case, I have a wee bit of a Wish List to send your way. Please advise. ;-)

[elisem.livejournal.com]

What redbird said. Seriously.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I just checked the calendar. It was written down.

[(Anonymous)]

And neither Fiona nor Rob did anything about it. They know what you've been through.

Its time for them to take care of you, for a change. Really.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Well, part of the reason Rob missed it was, yeah, he was taking care of me today.

[elisem.livejournal.com]

Oops. That was me; forgot to log in.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

^^ Listen to her.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Fiona indeed has no memory. Nor does her father. It is simply a fact of our lives. I am indeed the calendar personified for our family.

That is one of the things I am hoping that high school will help her with next year: she is going to be attending the IB program (International Baccalaureate), and I know that one thing they really work on with the kids is planning their time, using a planner and being responsible. I hope that if they try to wedge it into her brain it'll stick somehow, because Lord knows it never has when I've tried to teach her.

[naomikritzer]

I have no memory either, which is why I rely on a calendar. (One of my favorite bits of the Miles Vorkosigan series is when Simon Ilyan refers to his notebook as a prosthetic memory.)

It's very hard to acquire a good memory, but the habits of (a) writing it all down, (b) carrying your calendar/planner/little black book everywhere you go, and (c) consulting it regularly -- those are actually not too hard to acquire, as they're habits rather than inborn traits. (By the same token, I mostly stopped losing stuff once I trained myself to (a) put everything in my backpack and (b) carry a backpack so constantly that I felt naked without one. I also started tangling the strap around my foot when I'd take it off and sit down, so that I couldn't leave it behind when I stood up. I acquired all these habits at some point midway through high school, so clearly there's hope for Fiona.)

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

It was written on the calendar, by the way.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I loved Simon Ilyan's role as prosthetic memory, too.

[naomikritzer]

I should add that I mention all this not to berate you for serving as Fiona's prosthetic memory, but to note that you're right, they MAY succeed in teaching her these useful habits.

[kiwiria.livejournal.com]

Heeey! Cool! I did IB too.

It taught us procrastination to a fine art, but also that if you're told to have something finished in time - you'd better do so!

I hope she'll love it just half as much as I did :-)

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

Bless your heart, honey. You had surgery--with fairly short notice too. This isn't your fault and please don't blame yourself.

[saoba.livejournal.com]

Yannow, the black belts who taught my brother, nephew and neice would not let parents apologise for any kid over the age of 8. If they were old enough to take the classes they were old enough to know what to wear, where to be and how to behave.

[naomikritzer]

I really like that policy.

Though up until age 16, they are still dependent on the parents to get them to the dojo.

[redbird]

That depends on geography; around here a student Fiona's age might well take the bus or subway if she didn't live in walking or bicycling distance.

[aome.livejournal.com]

I agree with the rest - Fiona is old enough to take responsibility for her own appointments (and even more so since she should have learned some of that responsibility and discipline from becoming a near-blackbelt), especially with the knowledge that you've just had surgery and are a) tired and b) on medication. The dojo should understand that you, at least, couldn't drive her, and that there was unexpected chaos in your household this week. Do NOT blame yourself in the slightest over this.

Hope you enjoyed your evening out with friends.

[maribou]

Well, first of all, it wasn't your fault, you were having emergency surgery. And second of all, while it kind of was her fault, I wouldn't be too hard on her if I were the sensei or whoever, because *her mom was having emergency surgery*. My mom had similar emergency surgery (hers was a hernia that after 20 some years decided to go kaplooey) last summer and even though I am a 30 year old adult I was a complete basket case for a few days from worrying about it.

[lmarley.livejournal.com]

Peg, you're the only one in the house who is supposed to remember stuff? After surgery? Sweetie, put down the basket. You don't have to carry the world on your shoulders.

[bohemianspirit.livejournal.com]

This is your Tower Card speaking:

Time to reassess priorities. Radical shift. No, you don't control it all.

And what they said, too. ;-)

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

I get the humiliation. And I'm sorry. Awful feeling.

However... As Calluna just said to me, "One of her major organs was just lisquified and removed through a small hole in her body. If there was ever a time to let up on herself, now would be it."

Which, I admit, won't happen, so I don't know why we're all piling on you. Sorry.

[bekkio.livejournal.com]

I agree with the others - you get a free pass here.

I hope you feel better soon.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

Experienced parent here: Not your fault. No humiliation. No mortification. Slight embarrassment marginally acceptable (but believe me, this forgetting thing is only going to get worse with age, sigh). Fiona is old enough to keep a calendar of her own appointments--especially for things that she wants to do, like martial arts. (Parental calendar-keeping for unpleasant medical appointments probably advisable for several years yet.)

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

P.S. I'm pretty sure I'm not scolding here.

[volkhvoi.livejournal.com]

Wot everyone else said.

And you might want, when you have a quiet moment, to ask yourself why you feel you must take on the burden of guilt, at a time when you are not (and should not be) responsible for anything other than getting well?

ish

[mkaout.livejournal.com]

I won't scold.

It sucks. letting people down, doesn't it? Even when it wasn't your intent.
It simply sucks.

Sorry you are humiliated.
Bad, bad feeling.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

Ppor Peg. Even when you're trying to let other people learn to run their own lives, being Mom isn't something you can just switch off, is it?

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

You know, you've got this highly trained daughter what you can guilt into beatin' up on the people who are scolding you...

"Oh no! Not another learning experience!"

[barondave.livejournal.com]

Calm down. It's going to be okay. You're a terrific mother. Fiona is learning to pick up some slack. Your body is healing, let your mind heal too.

[eal.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it all worked out for the friend that Fiona was helping.

[handgun.livejournal.com]

Edited to add yet again: Ahem. PLEASE QUIT SCOLDING ME.
seems like everyone was saying that it wasn't your fault. i agree. ;)