Tarot Reading

[pegkerr]

Laurie WInter did a tarot reading for me on Sunday, as she has done the past several years. (I don't know which deck it was, sorry). I have mixed feelings about tarot. I don't fear them as instruments of the devil (Tim Powers, for example, despite having written a novel all about the power of the Tarot, will not allow a deck in his house), although I am at times a little uneasy about them. I guess I treat them, as Kij has said, as something that might open a window of thought that might help you to think about your life in a different way. I have known writers who have found them to be at times helpful to use when thinking about their books.

The question (which I didn't tell Laurie) "What do I need to know about getting the ice palace book going and moving toward a full, confident, successful writer's life?

The Signifier: 2 of Pentacles, showing a woman on a tightrope, holding a pentacle in each hand. "Balance or focus." Oh, yeah. I laughed when I saw that. That's what I'm all about, definitely.

Situation Surrounding You: King of Swords, reversed. Cruel and crafty, untrustworthy, crafty pig-headed. This could be a person, but no one sprang to mind for me. It felt to me instead like writers block, like the pig-headed stubbornness of my back brain to produce words when I ask it to.

Recent past: 7 of Wands, showing a man standing on a hill, with wands pointed at him from the foreground. Being prepared for whatever comes, you've picked your high ground. Forces are arrayed against you, but you operate from a position of strength.

Bridge or barrier: Ace of Swords. Shows a sword, surrounded by flowered garlands, but the sword pierces through them. Attainment of power or goals. insight/mental/mind, "cutting through the crap."

Near Future: Page of Wands. She stands holding a tall wand with a crystal at the top, emitting rays. Firecrackers at her belt. Harnessing available energy. It felt like a card showing "focussing," which was hopeful, suggesting getting in touch with whatever-it-is that makes me write well.

Root: 5 of Pentacles. Shows a ragged man in the snow, facing away from a stained glass window (the five pentacles are in the stained glass). Another hooded woman lies huddled in the snow under the window. Not taking help available, turning away, choosing to step outside, do it my way. It felt like writers block again, the feeling of being out in the cold, not making it on my own. The writing has felt impoverished in the past.

Goal: 6 of swords, reversed. Shows a man in a boat with swords in it, floating without his guidance into a cave. Trip to higher consciousness is advised. Reversed it means you have doubts about obtaining your goal. I asked her, "Doubts about achieving it or doubts about wanting to achieve it? "Excellent question," she replied.

How you see yourself: Chariot. Balance again. About not driving (the driver is holding a lyre rather than the reins). He is focused on his art, rather than the journey, driven at high speed. This felt like another balance card, and the feeling of being slightly out of control. Interestingly enough, it was the only major arcana card in the entire reading.

How others see you: 8 of swords, reversed. This is a scary looking card, with a bound blindfolded woman surrounded by cards, but since it's reversed, the meaning is respite from fear, new beginnings, freedom, release. A very hopeful meaning.

Hopes and fears: 10 of cups. Happy family, surrounded by abundance. Home, joy, familial bliss, contentment of heart, peace, respect from others.

Up until this point, I had felt that the reading was moving in a very hopeful direction. I had been blocked, but somehow I was going to get focused and move in the right direction. Then Laurie turned over the last card.

Outcome: 6 of pentacles, reversed. Shows a man holding a scale, with hands reaching out to him. Reversed, it means unstable finances, frustrated plans, jealousy can cause harm.

I stared at the card, disappointed. Rats.

Laurie suggested that since there was only one major arcana card, this might be interpreted as a very short term reading. Perhaps the last card was a caution, rather than a prediction. Jealousy, I thought, and laughed a little. I told her how I had sat next to Jane Yolen at the signing, and there had been a long line at the table for her to sign (serendipoz probably had at least fifty books for her) and nobody had one of mine. Yeah, I have to beware of jealousy, of comparing myself to others; it will only make my frustration/dissatisfaction about the progress of my career worse.

Comments, especially about that last card?

Comments

[pameladean]

I don't know anything about Tarot.

That said, I was on Jane's other side, and next to me was another author who didn't get anybody coming up to ask her to sign books. I signed about eight, I think. I was vividly reminded of the time that Uncle Hugo's scheduled me to sign the newly-released Hidden Land alongside David Brin, who had just published The Postman and had come in to town to speak to the Union of Postal Workers. He had a line around the block. Everybody who knew who I was had already bought a copy of my book and asked me to sign it.

Brin, who was much nicer then, ended up cajoling people into buying my book. (He sorted them by whether they knew any ten-year-olds.) But that was the first time I really understood about my writing career that I couldn't think about what other people were doing. I had to think about what I was doing. Not in relation to what other people were doing, but in relation to what else I was doing.

It's one of those annoying lessons that comes unlearned regularly. I did feel a horrid sinking when I looked at all Jane's books. She is not actually so very much older than I am. But I know from being on panels with her and talking to her that not only do we not do the same thing, we don't work in the same way on what we do do. Nobody is ever going to come up to me with sixty books that I've written. But I like what they have said to me when they do come up, which does not always happen. I did a signing with no takers the first year Minicon was in the Hilton. You know your readers are out there, even if they can't arrive in person. They want you to write your book.

So do I.

P.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Pamela. As I was saying serendipoz, what was bothering me wasn't so much "She's successful, I'm not" (as if success was a zero-sum game; I can only succeed if she fails) but the thought, "She's getting all this attention because she deserves it because she has worked so hard. Whereas I'm a lazy slacker in comparison. The reason I don't have people coming up to sign my latest book is because it's been years since I've written one.

I noted that my seminal post on career envy was written right after a Minicon. It is something I have to struggle with occasionally.