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Identity, again (and thinking about thinking out loud in general)
I had planned to do several more identity posts. One on being an American, or that is, a liberal/progressive American. Possibly one on being a Christian (after warning ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
daisy_gamgee so she could stick her fingers in her ears first). One, perhaps, on being a wife (although upon further thought, I think that's pretty personal and should be kept just between Rob and me).
But I have found that the two posts I did on being a writer and on my day job cracked open something really painful in me. I wrote some stuff down I wasn't quite ready to face, and have been sort of dealing with the fall out ever since.
Some people have remarked, with a certain amount of awe, at how open I am about things in this journal. Well, of course, I thought (a little smugly) whenever people mentioned this, I'm used to it. It all seemed so familiar because I'd kept a daily paper journal for over twenty-seven years at the time I started my LJ. I discovered one difference right away, however, and it delighted me. I was doing what I was always doing, getting my thoughts down, but now people were responding to me. My thoughts were prompting conversations and questions, not the silence of an unresponsive page. I had wondered aloud about this a little in the past. But I started thinking about another aspect of that this weekend: when I write down stuff now, people are making judgments about what I say.
Really, most of you are kinder toward me than I ever am toward myself. But even when the reaction is wholly positive (as it often has been), it is different than when you confide dangerous thoughts to mere paper. Thoughts like I don't know what I'm doing. I may never write fiction again. I feel like a failure. Mere paper doesn't argue with you. And you can put the thought down on paper and then shove it into a drawer and the page you have written on will never say back to you (unlike Livejournal), "Well? What are you going to do about it?" Which means you can go on pretending that you don't have to deal with that dangerous thought. You put it down on paper, just to release the tension, and then ignore the fact that you have done so.
But no. I put it out on LiveJournal instead. Which made it seem so much more dangerous, so much more painful. More than I realized it would when I wrote the entry. Most of the time, this simply isn't a problem, but this time it was. I don't know why. I am at a particularly low ebb right now; is this part of it? I have cried an awful lot in the last two weeks, sometimes on the phone withkijjohnson on the other end, huge racking sobs that make my throat and eyes hurt, that make me look like a fright.
I want to keep doing what I have been doing in this journal. I want to keep telling the truth.
Just be aware that some of the truths I have said lately have been very difficult for me to bear, once I've put them out there. And I'm sort of absorbed right now in coping with the cleanup.
daisy_gamgee so she could stick her fingers in her ears first). One, perhaps, on being a wife (although upon further thought, I think that's pretty personal and should be kept just between Rob and me).But I have found that the two posts I did on being a writer and on my day job cracked open something really painful in me. I wrote some stuff down I wasn't quite ready to face, and have been sort of dealing with the fall out ever since.
Some people have remarked, with a certain amount of awe, at how open I am about things in this journal. Well, of course, I thought (a little smugly) whenever people mentioned this, I'm used to it. It all seemed so familiar because I'd kept a daily paper journal for over twenty-seven years at the time I started my LJ. I discovered one difference right away, however, and it delighted me. I was doing what I was always doing, getting my thoughts down, but now people were responding to me. My thoughts were prompting conversations and questions, not the silence of an unresponsive page. I had wondered aloud about this a little in the past. But I started thinking about another aspect of that this weekend: when I write down stuff now, people are making judgments about what I say.
Really, most of you are kinder toward me than I ever am toward myself. But even when the reaction is wholly positive (as it often has been), it is different than when you confide dangerous thoughts to mere paper. Thoughts like I don't know what I'm doing. I may never write fiction again. I feel like a failure. Mere paper doesn't argue with you. And you can put the thought down on paper and then shove it into a drawer and the page you have written on will never say back to you (unlike Livejournal), "Well? What are you going to do about it?" Which means you can go on pretending that you don't have to deal with that dangerous thought. You put it down on paper, just to release the tension, and then ignore the fact that you have done so.
But no. I put it out on LiveJournal instead. Which made it seem so much more dangerous, so much more painful. More than I realized it would when I wrote the entry. Most of the time, this simply isn't a problem, but this time it was. I don't know why. I am at a particularly low ebb right now; is this part of it? I have cried an awful lot in the last two weeks, sometimes on the phone with
kijjohnson on the other end, huge racking sobs that make my throat and eyes hurt, that make me look like a fright.I want to keep doing what I have been doing in this journal. I want to keep telling the truth.
Just be aware that some of the truths I have said lately have been very difficult for me to bear, once I've put them out there. And I'm sort of absorbed right now in coping with the cleanup.
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And, yes, you're working through some hard painful thoughts right now; I wince in empathy.
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As for revealing the angsty, horrible side of the writing life for all the world to see, I've done that a number of times. I'm still up in the air about whether it's a good idea or not. Because I have this sneaking suspicion that when I put those thoughts on LJ instead of on paper, I'm wanting to hear a chorus cry out encouragement. And I think people have been encouraging, but that's never been enough. What it's come down to is that the encouragement has to come from either inside me or that evanescent thing some of us call "God."
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dropping in to leave the following . . .
Fanfiction brought me to LJ, but this year I used it as more of a tool than I did previously.
at times I am concerned about how the posts will be received, for most are not terrible deep or awe inspiring, but for the most part I just post as things occur to me.
Thanks for sharing.
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I think as I writer, I'm constantly looking for some kind of feedback from my written words. The internet is the mother of all instant gratification. Naturally, these things combined can be a very powerful, and yes, very dangerous tool.
Recently because of ... situations, I've had to delete my old journal go "friends only" in my a new one, something I swore I'd never do when I started it. Already it's changed. I don't post as often because it's not the same feeling. There was always the idea that there was someone out there reading and responding to wat I said... not just some one, but lots of someones, even if they didn't comment, I knew that I was being read. I like/crave/need/can'texist without that feeling.
Even so, I've noticed a definite spike in my ability to focus on my fiction since quitting the public posts. Perhaps depriving myself of the attention (in moderation) will help me stay on task.
...and the possibility exists that I'll make public posts again in it someday. Heck, probably sooner than later. I'm a Leo; we can't be quiet.
...as evidenced in this absurdly lengthly comment. Pardon my intrusion. ;)
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I know, from what you have posted, that you are a Christian. I also know from what you have indicated in the past that you pray over your concerns. Isaiah 40 comes to mind. You are doing well and will do great things, Peg.
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;D
Just so you know--I haven't commented on those posts, but I have read them and they've given me things to think about in my own life. They've been valuable, much as they've cost you; I just wish they hadn't cost you pain.
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Funny, I think I've said more in this response than I have in my own LJ lately. I suspect it's because fewer of my own friends will read this.
Keep up the self-examination and growth. Be brave. You're well-loved.
Hugs,
Chris
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And we wish you luck and love.
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*hugs*