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Magical thinking
So far, I'm holding up pretty well, mentally. Rob is getting two weeks of severance, and we got the very good news that Rob will have about sixteen weeks of unemployment, which is much better than I feared. It's pretty equivalent to what he got last time. Then, we have savings to keep us going a few months beyond that.
I'm recognizing some patterns of thought, as I contemplate facing unemployment again. How I experience my life is greatly affected about how I think about it, so I'm paying careful attention to my thought processes right now. I recognize some thoughts that are downright irrational, if perhaps understandable. Magical thinking, as it were.
1. We've been through this already. It's not fair that we have to do it again. He had a job! All the struggle was supposed to be over!
Answer: Life is not fair. Get used to it.
2. We've been through this before, and we got through it okay last time. He'll get a job in time this time, too.
Answer: Alas, no. It doesn't work that way. The economy is probably worse than it was when he was looking last autumn, and it may very well be much more difficult to find a job this time. There is no guarantee that he will find anything in time before real financial disaster sets in.
3. All will be well if I simply keep a Positive Mental Attitude..
Answer: This I recognize. I have long had a tendency toward depression, and yet I was raised in a family which valued positivity above all else. Being pessimistic was considered a character flaw, almost a spiritual failing. Everything is better when people keep a Positive Mental Attitude. Prayers are more likely to be answered by God. All goes smoothly. Life is more likely to turn out the way that you want.
There is, perhaps, one grain of truth in this: jobhunters who keep hitting the streets, who keep applying for jobs, do better than jobhunters who give up and retreat into apathy. All very true: except that I am not the jobhunter in this case. It will no doubt be less hard on Rob if I can keep my anxieties in check. But just because I manage to keep a cheery mental attitude, this actually has very little magical effect on whether or not a putative employer will offer him a job.
4. If he applies for a job that's just perfect for him, he'll get it just because we need it so badly. Worse than anyone else.
Answer: I actually went through this last time. Rob applied for a position with West Publishing (legal publishers). He would have been perfect for that position. His resume was ideal. And we needed him to get that job so badly. When they didn't even give him an interview, it was so hard. But just because you need a job and are perfect for it, that doesn't mean that you get it. See #1 above. Other people might need the job even worse, you little narcissist. That doesn't mean that they're more likely to get it either.
5. [Conversely] Wanting something so desperately jinxes it. The more you want a job, the less you're likely you are to get it
Answer: Nope. There is no effect. The universe doesn't give a damn what you want, Peg.
What I know from going through this last time is that my security needs are much, much higher than Rob's. He is willing to tolerate uncertainty much more easily than me. I simply can't stand it. But Rob has his own mental quirks, and he hates job hunting worse than poison. I discovered the last time around that the more I pressure him to relieve my anxieties, frankly, the less responsive he will be. The harder I push him to find a job, the less time and effort he will put into looking, as if to prove that he won't be hounded into anything. He responds to my anxiety by shutting down--sleeping more and more, doing less around the house, and certainly doing less job hunting. And that makes me absolutely crazy. This means the more frightening our situation becomes, the more hysterical I get and conversely, the less he will do. Neither approach is helpful. Which leads me to the next bit of magical thinking:
6. The more you want him to get a job, the less you should say about it. Pushing him will only jinx everything.
Answer: Perversely true.
I will try to react to our present situation by telling him that he must hit the ground running, acting aggressively to find openings and apply for them, and I will do my best to be supportive without pushing too hard. This, I know, will be difficult, and it will become extremely challenging if months have gone by and he hasn't gotten any interviews and we're getting close to running out of money.
I'm recognizing some patterns of thought, as I contemplate facing unemployment again. How I experience my life is greatly affected about how I think about it, so I'm paying careful attention to my thought processes right now. I recognize some thoughts that are downright irrational, if perhaps understandable. Magical thinking, as it were.
1. We've been through this already. It's not fair that we have to do it again. He had a job! All the struggle was supposed to be over!
Answer: Life is not fair. Get used to it.
2. We've been through this before, and we got through it okay last time. He'll get a job in time this time, too.
Answer: Alas, no. It doesn't work that way. The economy is probably worse than it was when he was looking last autumn, and it may very well be much more difficult to find a job this time. There is no guarantee that he will find anything in time before real financial disaster sets in.
3. All will be well if I simply keep a Positive Mental Attitude..
Answer: This I recognize. I have long had a tendency toward depression, and yet I was raised in a family which valued positivity above all else. Being pessimistic was considered a character flaw, almost a spiritual failing. Everything is better when people keep a Positive Mental Attitude. Prayers are more likely to be answered by God. All goes smoothly. Life is more likely to turn out the way that you want.
There is, perhaps, one grain of truth in this: jobhunters who keep hitting the streets, who keep applying for jobs, do better than jobhunters who give up and retreat into apathy. All very true: except that I am not the jobhunter in this case. It will no doubt be less hard on Rob if I can keep my anxieties in check. But just because I manage to keep a cheery mental attitude, this actually has very little magical effect on whether or not a putative employer will offer him a job.
4. If he applies for a job that's just perfect for him, he'll get it just because we need it so badly. Worse than anyone else.
Answer: I actually went through this last time. Rob applied for a position with West Publishing (legal publishers). He would have been perfect for that position. His resume was ideal. And we needed him to get that job so badly. When they didn't even give him an interview, it was so hard. But just because you need a job and are perfect for it, that doesn't mean that you get it. See #1 above. Other people might need the job even worse, you little narcissist. That doesn't mean that they're more likely to get it either.
5. [Conversely] Wanting something so desperately jinxes it. The more you want a job, the less you're likely you are to get it
Answer: Nope. There is no effect. The universe doesn't give a damn what you want, Peg.
What I know from going through this last time is that my security needs are much, much higher than Rob's. He is willing to tolerate uncertainty much more easily than me. I simply can't stand it. But Rob has his own mental quirks, and he hates job hunting worse than poison. I discovered the last time around that the more I pressure him to relieve my anxieties, frankly, the less responsive he will be. The harder I push him to find a job, the less time and effort he will put into looking, as if to prove that he won't be hounded into anything. He responds to my anxiety by shutting down--sleeping more and more, doing less around the house, and certainly doing less job hunting. And that makes me absolutely crazy. This means the more frightening our situation becomes, the more hysterical I get and conversely, the less he will do. Neither approach is helpful. Which leads me to the next bit of magical thinking:
6. The more you want him to get a job, the less you should say about it. Pushing him will only jinx everything.
Answer: Perversely true.
I will try to react to our present situation by telling him that he must hit the ground running, acting aggressively to find openings and apply for them, and I will do my best to be supportive without pushing too hard. This, I know, will be difficult, and it will become extremely challenging if months have gone by and he hasn't gotten any interviews and we're getting close to running out of money.
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Hugs to you and I hope this all gets solved for you quickly.
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My own #3 goes more like this: All may or may not turn out well, but I'm likely to remain more functional and resilient along the way the more I'm able to maintain a Positive Mental Attitude. I'm also likely to derive more of the joy in each passing day, and that in turn will give me more strength to draw on whatever the future should happen to bring.
So far, that's proven pretty much true. It doesn't mean that I haven't messed up major pieces of my life, mind you, often with lifelong consequences. But it's contributed to an inner confidence -- I have been and will continue to be able to cope with those consequences. And, wow, look at all of the wonders of the world and of my life -- they shine through even the darkest days.
May life's full richness and comfort shine upon both of us, and upon our friends and loved ones...and may it do so both permanently and soon!
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Sounds like anxiety/depression on his part.
Would job-hunting to-do lists help for either of you? (For you to define what things are in your domain (and out of it), and for him to not be overwhelmed?)
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Our dynamic around here is eerily similar.
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Sounds like you run up against one of your worst mis-matches in this situation, which brings in extra stress exactly when it's least needed.
Well, best of luck!
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Yes, the economy is in the toilet right now but we've been through this before (remember the energy crisis in the 70's?). I have no advice to offer either of you, but I am thinking of you and wishing I could help in some way. Know that you're never alone, okay? And also, because I'm curious, what sorts of jobs is Rob looking at? Sales?
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It's sad that Rob didn't get that perfect job at West the last time he applied, but now he's in a position to apply for a similar position again. Frankly, the job he DID get was far from perfect. Since a lot of his income was commission, he can't have been making all that much from the sales job. But of course he couldn't just QUIT that job, after working so hard to find it. Now he has the chance to try again for a job with a guaranteed income, and possibly one more suited to his full array of talents.
Incidentally, he shouldn't hesitate to submit his resume again to West. Just because they didn't call him the first time doesn't mean they won't call him this time. For all you know, they may have intended to call him and somebody simply misplaced his resume, or entered his name in the wrong column on a list in HR. If you have never been on the hiring side of a job opening, you can't imagine how chaotic the process actually can be.
It's not just that life isn't fair - it's often just totally RANDOM. Sometimes that's bad for you, but it's just as likely to be good.
Good luck to all of you!
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K.
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Hugs
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I feel for your husband. It's just plain old depression and classic symptoms at that. And perfectly normal for anyone when they lose their job. My husband went thru the same thing when he lost his job, but I never saw it as a passive response to my anxiety [and boy was I anxious]. I understand that you are going thru alot, but he is likely going thru twice as much. I think telling him what he "must" do might only make him feel worse.
I love the honesty of your blog and your willingness to reveal who you are.
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Good luck!
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We went through this twice. P left a job to follow me thinking he would find a job easily in the new town. Took over a year and he ended up living in Virginia while I lived in Alabama. The second time, I had refused to quit my job when he asked and then the contract he was hired for didn't come through so he was let go. If I had quit, we would have been in a really bad spot.
As it was, he ended up working in not-his-field for almost a year before he found this job. He's been here for almost four years and while he isn't always happy, he does enjoy the challenges and has a good time with it.
He is, however, much like Rob. If I push him, he shuts down and can't do anything. It was a really, really rough situation both times and I don't envy you having to do it again.
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Have you guys considered temp attorney work for him, if he can't find a permanent position right away? I do document review, and the pay is pretty good. The hours can be very erratic, and there's always the risk of a project ending, so it's not an ideal long-term situation for someone with kids. However, it could be a good way to earn some extra cash while trying to find a long term job.
Unfortunately, I live in Seattle, and I don't know what the document review situation is like in Minnesota. But if you or Rob want to know anything general about doc review work, you can email me at lesliearai at gmail dot com.
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I'm still trying to stop believing this.
It's hard when your miseries pile up, not to believe it's your own fault.