Magical thinking
Jun. 27th, 2008 03:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pegkerrSo far, I'm holding up pretty well, mentally. Rob is getting two weeks of severance, and we got the very good news that Rob will have about sixteen weeks of unemployment, which is much better than I feared. It's pretty equivalent to what he got last time. Then, we have savings to keep us going a few months beyond that.
I'm recognizing some patterns of thought, as I contemplate facing unemployment again. How I experience my life is greatly affected about how I think about it, so I'm paying careful attention to my thought processes right now. I recognize some thoughts that are downright irrational, if perhaps understandable. Magical thinking, as it were.
1. We've been through this already. It's not fair that we have to do it again. He had a job! All the struggle was supposed to be over!
Answer: Life is not fair. Get used to it.
2. We've been through this before, and we got through it okay last time. He'll get a job in time this time, too.
Answer: Alas, no. It doesn't work that way. The economy is probably worse than it was when he was looking last autumn, and it may very well be much more difficult to find a job this time. There is no guarantee that he will find anything in time before real financial disaster sets in.
3. All will be well if I simply keep a Positive Mental Attitude..
Answer: This I recognize. I have long had a tendency toward depression, and yet I was raised in a family which valued positivity above all else. Being pessimistic was considered a character flaw, almost a spiritual failing. Everything is better when people keep a Positive Mental Attitude. Prayers are more likely to be answered by God. All goes smoothly. Life is more likely to turn out the way that you want.
There is, perhaps, one grain of truth in this: jobhunters who keep hitting the streets, who keep applying for jobs, do better than jobhunters who give up and retreat into apathy. All very true: except that I am not the jobhunter in this case. It will no doubt be less hard on Rob if I can keep my anxieties in check. But just because I manage to keep a cheery mental attitude, this actually has very little magical effect on whether or not a putative employer will offer him a job.
4. If he applies for a job that's just perfect for him, he'll get it just because we need it so badly. Worse than anyone else.
Answer: I actually went through this last time. Rob applied for a position with West Publishing (legal publishers). He would have been perfect for that position. His resume was ideal. And we needed him to get that job so badly. When they didn't even give him an interview, it was so hard. But just because you need a job and are perfect for it, that doesn't mean that you get it. See #1 above. Other people might need the job even worse, you little narcissist. That doesn't mean that they're more likely to get it either.
5. [Conversely] Wanting something so desperately jinxes it. The more you want a job, the less you're likely you are to get it
Answer: Nope. There is no effect. The universe doesn't give a damn what you want, Peg.
What I know from going through this last time is that my security needs are much, much higher than Rob's. He is willing to tolerate uncertainty much more easily than me. I simply can't stand it. But Rob has his own mental quirks, and he hates job hunting worse than poison. I discovered the last time around that the more I pressure him to relieve my anxieties, frankly, the less responsive he will be. The harder I push him to find a job, the less time and effort he will put into looking, as if to prove that he won't be hounded into anything. He responds to my anxiety by shutting down--sleeping more and more, doing less around the house, and certainly doing less job hunting. And that makes me absolutely crazy. This means the more frightening our situation becomes, the more hysterical I get and conversely, the less he will do. Neither approach is helpful. Which leads me to the next bit of magical thinking:
6. The more you want him to get a job, the less you should say about it. Pushing him will only jinx everything.
Answer: Perversely true.
I will try to react to our present situation by telling him that he must hit the ground running, acting aggressively to find openings and apply for them, and I will do my best to be supportive without pushing too hard. This, I know, will be difficult, and it will become extremely challenging if months have gone by and he hasn't gotten any interviews and we're getting close to running out of money.
I'm recognizing some patterns of thought, as I contemplate facing unemployment again. How I experience my life is greatly affected about how I think about it, so I'm paying careful attention to my thought processes right now. I recognize some thoughts that are downright irrational, if perhaps understandable. Magical thinking, as it were.
1. We've been through this already. It's not fair that we have to do it again. He had a job! All the struggle was supposed to be over!
Answer: Life is not fair. Get used to it.
2. We've been through this before, and we got through it okay last time. He'll get a job in time this time, too.
Answer: Alas, no. It doesn't work that way. The economy is probably worse than it was when he was looking last autumn, and it may very well be much more difficult to find a job this time. There is no guarantee that he will find anything in time before real financial disaster sets in.
3. All will be well if I simply keep a Positive Mental Attitude..
Answer: This I recognize. I have long had a tendency toward depression, and yet I was raised in a family which valued positivity above all else. Being pessimistic was considered a character flaw, almost a spiritual failing. Everything is better when people keep a Positive Mental Attitude. Prayers are more likely to be answered by God. All goes smoothly. Life is more likely to turn out the way that you want.
There is, perhaps, one grain of truth in this: jobhunters who keep hitting the streets, who keep applying for jobs, do better than jobhunters who give up and retreat into apathy. All very true: except that I am not the jobhunter in this case. It will no doubt be less hard on Rob if I can keep my anxieties in check. But just because I manage to keep a cheery mental attitude, this actually has very little magical effect on whether or not a putative employer will offer him a job.
4. If he applies for a job that's just perfect for him, he'll get it just because we need it so badly. Worse than anyone else.
Answer: I actually went through this last time. Rob applied for a position with West Publishing (legal publishers). He would have been perfect for that position. His resume was ideal. And we needed him to get that job so badly. When they didn't even give him an interview, it was so hard. But just because you need a job and are perfect for it, that doesn't mean that you get it. See #1 above. Other people might need the job even worse, you little narcissist. That doesn't mean that they're more likely to get it either.
5. [Conversely] Wanting something so desperately jinxes it. The more you want a job, the less you're likely you are to get it
Answer: Nope. There is no effect. The universe doesn't give a damn what you want, Peg.
What I know from going through this last time is that my security needs are much, much higher than Rob's. He is willing to tolerate uncertainty much more easily than me. I simply can't stand it. But Rob has his own mental quirks, and he hates job hunting worse than poison. I discovered the last time around that the more I pressure him to relieve my anxieties, frankly, the less responsive he will be. The harder I push him to find a job, the less time and effort he will put into looking, as if to prove that he won't be hounded into anything. He responds to my anxiety by shutting down--sleeping more and more, doing less around the house, and certainly doing less job hunting. And that makes me absolutely crazy. This means the more frightening our situation becomes, the more hysterical I get and conversely, the less he will do. Neither approach is helpful. Which leads me to the next bit of magical thinking:
6. The more you want him to get a job, the less you should say about it. Pushing him will only jinx everything.
Answer: Perversely true.
I will try to react to our present situation by telling him that he must hit the ground running, acting aggressively to find openings and apply for them, and I will do my best to be supportive without pushing too hard. This, I know, will be difficult, and it will become extremely challenging if months have gone by and he hasn't gotten any interviews and we're getting close to running out of money.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-27 09:16 pm (UTC)My own #3 goes more like this: All may or may not turn out well, but I'm likely to remain more functional and resilient along the way the more I'm able to maintain a Positive Mental Attitude. I'm also likely to derive more of the joy in each passing day, and that in turn will give me more strength to draw on whatever the future should happen to bring.
So far, that's proven pretty much true. It doesn't mean that I haven't messed up major pieces of my life, mind you, often with lifelong consequences. But it's contributed to an inner confidence -- I have been and will continue to be able to cope with those consequences. And, wow, look at all of the wonders of the world and of my life -- they shine through even the darkest days.
May life's full richness and comfort shine upon both of us, and upon our friends and loved ones...and may it do so both permanently and soon!