Peg Kerr's Journal

The very first soul collage card I ever created was the balance card:



Balance

I am the graceful one who balances poised in the air, sometimes teetering, but never falling. I am the one who perfectly centers opposing forces while still moving forward.

This week, on the other hand, I have been thinking about the opposite: imbalance.

I think it started with all the hard work I did during Box Week, three weeks ago. I got a lot done, but I physically and emotionally exhausted myself. I decided to take it easy the next week.

But . . . I've definitely noticed that I have started a kind of a spiral. This sometimes happens when I get depressed, but it took me a while to figure out what was going on. I didn't notice the pattern at first because . . . I wasn't depressed. I'm truly not, honest. But I have been sleeping absolutely terribly, and then I started not eating as well. Things got worse to the point that I also stopped doing physical exercise.

And I have dived into an utterly fierce all-consuming fanfiction reading jag. (Jane Austen fanfiction again). I have had other obsessive jags in the past, but this one is becoming rather all-consuming. This is something the girls and I have all experienced at times (and Rob did, too, so the girls definitely got it from both sides of the family). It's interesting having the realization that I need to pull myself out of a tail spin, but not quite having the wherewithal to do it--yet.

Creating this card was actually great fun, and I'm delighted with how it turned out as well as smug about how I figured out the technical aspects of moving from my envisionment to the final result. I was able to (finally!) get a full body shot thanks to a visit from my long-time friend Laurel Winter. She stood at the bottom of my front steps and took from below a burst of thirty pictures as I acted out losing my balance. Then I took a picture from the beginning, another from the middle, and one from the end, removed the backgrounds, and assembled the digital card using transparent effects. The balance pole I'm holding is my karate bo.

Ironically, after I explained my vision of the card and Laurie took the photos of me, she did a Celtic Cross tarot reading for me. The card that showed up in the "Root" position was...the second of Pentacles, the balance card. Wow.



Imbalance caused by the grip of obsession isn't entirely bad. I wrote a small fanfiction story, the first writing I've done in a long, long time, and I have started another I'm even more pleased with that I hope to post soon. Edited to add: Here's the second story, which I have finished, too.


Imbalance



Click here to read about the 52 card project and see the year's gallery.

I have been working on creating this card both before and after Rob's death:

The Widow - Committee/Council Suit
I am the One who has no comfort to ease the pain of his passing, who lingers on in darkness and in doubt as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. I dwell bound to my grief until all the world is changed and the long years of my life are utterly spent.



This one is composed of three overlaid images: 1) Arwen in mourning standing by Aragorn's sarcophagus (at 1:35 in the video below), 2) Arwen's head, bowed, in a mourning veil, (1:47 in the video below) and 3) my left hand wearing both my and Rob's wedding ring.

I became sort of fascinated with this scene in the movie (The Two Towers) after Rob developed cancer. I have a "Death" musical playlist, and I ripped the .mp3 from this scene and included it on the playlist (and cribbed the words for the description).



I like it that the images are "veiled" by being superimposed on each other, just like Arwen's mourning veil.

Rob's funeral is tomorrow. Details are in his obituary, which can found here.

I have been at a bit of a loss because my photos are hosted over at LiveJournal, but I don't want to upload photos there anymore. Haven't quite learned the ropes here, but here goes. Anyway, made these a bit ago, but just posting them now.

Grandparent - Council Suit
I am the One who rejoices in the company of the child of my own child. I am a mentor and a teacher, a parental figure and a friend all in one. Spending time with my grandchild reintroduces me to joys which may have slipped from my own life. Our bond tightens the generations together.



Fear - Committee/Council Suit
I am the One who freezes in primal terror, trapped between the horror ahead and the threat behind.



This one is a lot about the truly difficult times I was having when I was unemployed and Rob was failing. I really don't want to go back to this mental state.

The Magical Child - Council Suit
I am the One whose holy, mystical innocence will save the world.



The Mythopoeic Reader - Committee/Fairytale Suit
I am the One who delights in reading stories of adventure in fantastic imaginary worlds.

I took my supplies with me on a family vacation (more on that later) and tried and tried to make cards. I cut out magazines and pored over images I had collected for hours. I made only one card, which was frustrating, but I'm very pleased, on the other hand, with how this one card turned out.



The Universal Mother - Council Suit
I Am the One who bears and mothers the child. My womb and then my arms protect and cherish. I am the first to love and the first to be loved, and the One who teaches you how to trust. I am compassionate, nurturing, patient and kind. My power is deceptively simple, yet I embody all of Creation.

and in fact, I can think of only one other instance, when I added the wolf to the 'Dream' card. Bbut this one I've reworked three times, because I was never satisfied with the images I could find of the falling woman. But I went out looking again today and I think I've finally found one I'm satisfied with. The prior card is the first card in my deck marked 'Retired.'

The card is The Cruel Sister and it is for a suit (the Fairytale Suit) that I've added to the traditional suits in a soulcollage deck.

Here is what the card used to look like:



Now it looks like this:



The Cruel Sister - Fairytale Suit

I am the One who pushes away the sister who loved me, giving her neither hand nor glove. I turn away, so as not to see her destruction. I am a betrayer with a heart made of stone. My only witnesses are the ravens

Judgment - Council Suit
I am the One who has full authority to carefully and impartially weigh the evidence and mete out what is deserved. I am incorruptible and My word is final...unless tempered by mercy.

I'm not perfectly pleased with the design of this one. The scales held by the woman originally held (I think) brussel sprouts or some such similar vegetable, which was not exactly in synch with what I had in mind for the card. So I very carefully cut out the bottoms of the scale pans and substituted a star field (Hubble telescope picture), in the hopes of giving it a sort of cosmic scope. Not sure it entirely works (although it's probably better than brussel sprouts). The pillar behind the woman was left there to obscure another figure behind the scribe, but it partially obscures the central figure's head. I also would prefer to have the judges in the lower left looking in the other direction, over at the woman. Oh well.

I had the description of the tarot card Judgment a little bit in mind (although the card description mentions mercy, which as I understand the traditional card description isn't usually a part of Judgment). If I were following the iconology of some tarot traditions, the heart would be weighed against a feather.

(What do you think of the card?)

The other vexing problem I had with making this card was with the fixative I was trying to use. My beloved StudioTac is no longer being manufactured because the company shut down after Hurricane Sandy. I'm trying to use another dry fixative I picked up at an art store, but it's not nearly as easy to use, and I end up scraping bits of rubber cement-y type glue from the card and from my fingers. Argh.

Inspired by my recent visitor, I gathered specific images and sat down and made this card tonight (alas, not very well scanned, sorry).



The Bunny (Fourth Chakra) - Companion Suit
I am the One Who is creative, intuitive, and loving. I live by my wits but can sometimes freeze in fear.

As I've mentioned, 'bunny' has been the endearment that we've used in our family since the girls were born. The fourth chakra is the realm of the heart, of love, so it seems perfectly appropriate. I was so pleased when I found the heart fractal tree (and note the link to the Holy Tree that grows within the heart - see Delia's artwork to compare).

This site has some interesting and pointed things to say about rabbits and their totemic meaning. I've spoken about how I've been having increasing trouble with anxiety, and given how I've struggled to deal with Rob's cancer, this sentence really stood out: "Rabbit people may be afraid of tragedy, illness, and disaster, thereby calling those very fears to them to teach them lessons."

Interestingly enough, the same site mentions the linkage in some cultures of rabbits to the moon. There was a moon in the artwork of the background (the heart fractal tree). You can see its reflection on the ground on the lower right. However, I covered the moon with the chakra symbol.

I think the bunny/rabbit is perfect for my fourth chakra. The only wonder is why it took so long for me to figure it out; it seems obvious to me now.

Grandparent - Council Suit
I am the One who rejoices in the company of the child of my own child. I am a mentor and a teacher, a parental figure and a friend all in one. Spending time with my grandchild reintroduces me to joys which may have slipped from my own life. Our bond tightens the generations together.

This is a more generalized, archetypal card. I think I want to create community cards for the specific grandchild/grandparent relationships I have experienced in my own life. I've been lucky. For the most part, they have been very good ones.

This is also an experiment: It's the first card I've posted using the scanner on my ipod touch.

I was so frustrated when I couldn't seem to pull a card together last night. Tonight, I made several stabs at two or three other ideas before settling on this one, and I'm quite pleased with it, because it simultaneously addresses two of the things that are bothering me the most, although I only saw that when I added the last element.

( The Woman Who Hates Other People's Paper - cut for NSFW image )
The Woman Who Hates Other People's Paper - Committee Suit
I am the One Who burns incandescent with rage at the burden of other people's paper. I am poised at the point of destruction yet stymied by hesitations.

I wanted to do a card about how frustrated I've been about the clutter in our home, chiefly because Rob has tendencies to hoard. He was working with a therapist about it last year and started making inroads, but that all stopped dead when he developed cancer. Obviously he was too sick to do the work that he finds so difficult, so I bit my lip and just put up with it again. Now he's starting to feel better and I'm pushing him to once again deal with it. The clutter in the house is affecting both my and Delia's mental state, especially.

I found the paperwork monster, which was perfect, and then had several choices for images to serve as his antagonist. One showed a woman in a calm, controlled tai chi pose, pushing out. Another was a woman pulling something with a rope, and I figured I could bury the end of the rope in the throat of the monster.

But I kept returning to the image I finally chose, the woman with the torch.

Forget pushing or pulling--she just wants to burn that fucking thing to cinders. She wants to destroy. That image felt closest to the emotion there--primal rage.

I pondered whether I should put other items in a pile around the monster's feet. Clothes, odd household objects, etc. The clutter that's bothering me isn't just paper. I started looking through my folder of images of objects, but I didn't really have enough pictures of the right sorts of objects, and the proportions would all be off.

And then I ran across the image of the paper fortune teller, which fit perfectly in that bare corner. It also perfectly captured the agonizing difficulty that Rob has when he trying to figure out whether to throw away an object or not. I am held back from that moment of destructive fury, of wanting to burn because he says, 'I'll deal with it, it's my stuff." And so recognizing the justice of this, I step back from just throwing stuff away to give him the chance to do it -- and he then dithers and frets and ends up just putting everything back in the boxes, saying, 'I'll deal with it later.'

And then it struck me--if I left the monster just a paper monster and not a paper-and-household-objects monster, then this card was simultaneously about my job. We have a trial coming up, and I am the secretary doing the filing for this case, and I am being buried alive in paper. I just want to either burn the paper or burn my bridges and quit the job -- and yet I hesitate, afraid of job hunting, afraid of the consequences. I've had this job for 21 years. So I stick with the monster I know, dithering (just like Rob), as the torch keeps burning, burning, burning in my hands.

Man, no wonder I've been getting so depressed. They say that depression can be rage turned inward.

The Midlife Journey - Council Card
I am the One who responds to the Call or inner restlessness or new freedom by sailing away from the familiar and secure, in hopes of new energy and purpose. I can only leave with the support of those who love me.

This is related to a whole mess of cards:

The Call

The Hidden Passage (I really like the fact that it even looks like the same woman.)

The First and Seventh Chakra cards (the Tortoise and the Swan), as well as the swan patronus cards. (Well, okay, those are turtles in this new card whereas the chakra card is a Tortoise, but, um, close enough). The idea is that first chakra, The Tortoise (security needs) up to the Seventh Chakra, the Swan (connection with between myself and the rest of the universe) bless this journey.

I see links to Trustworthiness, too, with the linkage of hands (which is meant to show that this journey is very much supported. I am not intending to cut myself off from the people I love by taking this journey. Instead, it is (perhaps wishful thinking) very much supported by them.

Even the Silence card is related (which also has the bird)

Of course, what the woman wants to escape from is this and this.

I like this card very much, aesthetically, and it is getting at the heart of what I've been struggling with the past two weeks. I want to leave my job, my career. But how? How can I reconcile that with my security needs? How can I care for my family?

Another title for it, I suppose, is Midlife Crisis.

Upon a little extra reading, in which I was trying to remember which tarot card this reminded me of, I was tempted to stick six swords through the composition. It does resemble the Six of Swords card, in that it resembles that boat, beginning a journey. The Six of Swords card is sometimes called the Slough of Despond card....except the boat pushing away from shore suggests hopefulness, a movement toward something new.

Making the card was a better way to spend the afternoon than diving into the abyss that threatened to swallow me. I got out of bed, managed to choke down a little bit of food, and made something artistic rather than brooding.