Peg Kerr's Journal

I spent over 3 hours trying to put a card together without success. I didn't quite take the right pictures to capture my ideas that would crystalize the week. Or perhaps I did, yet I couldn't put them together into a pleasing composition design.

So I finally decided to throw in the towel and declare the project done for the year with just one image. Hey, I'm on vacation this week, and I'm not going to struggle with this collage anymore. Sometimes enough is enough, you know? I AM proud of what I've done with the collage project this year, and I intend to continue with it next year.

See the link to the gallery below. What was your favorite digital collage of the year?

Image description: A closeup of a silver star ornament on a Christmas tree

Christmas



Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 gallery.

This one feels a bit like double-dipping, as it focuses on a project that I've already spoken about, the Advent Snapchats I've been doing and sending out to a small circle that I mentioned in my post about the Rituals card. Here I've gathered together a number of the subjects I've featured thus far.

It's been fun, looking for Christmas-themed things I see around me. I keep an eye out when I'm driving, and I've stopped hastily to take a picture of a cheerful family of snow people, or the Cottontail Along the Trail, the bronze bunny statue at Portland Avenue, all decked out in his Christmas finery.

Eh, I'm not going to describe this one exhaustively. Just: a card with a Christmas border, crammed full of various Christmas-themed things (ornaments, a St. Lucia figure, snowmen, etc). Lower left: a bitmoji cartoon me, smiling in the center of a wreath. Lower right: the word "Advent" in red.

Advent



Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 gallery.

This is one of those weeks where I was a little bit at a loss as to what the week was about, and so what would I do the card about? This is week when I start to move the felt ornaments over, one on each day, on my Advent wall hanging. I did a card about that last year. Why bother to do the same card all over again?

I realized that this slotted nicely into something I've been mulling over, not quite consciously this week. I want to talk about rituals, and the place they have in my life, specifically, when regular rituals that have been a great comfort for a long time no longer fit or feel quite right, and in fact, start to feel almost like a burden.

As I explained last year, my sister Betsy gave me the Advent wall hanging as a gift years ago.



For the last several years, I've taken a picture every day as I've moved an ornament over and sent them as a Snapchat picture to the people I'm closest with.

But this year, as I set up the wall hanging, I wondered...should I send out the pictures every day again this year? I've done it before. Heck, I could just send out last year's pictures again, and who would know the difference? What would be different about it? Have I just become a bore? But I liked sending out a picture every day to my loved ones during Advent.

So I decided to continue to take pictures of the felt Advent tree every day, but instead of sending them to that small circle, I would post them to my story. People could look at them if they want. But I would also instead send different Advent pictures out every day to my circle of loved ones. Something I found that was lovely and Christmas-y, things I saw when I was out and about. Something different. Here are the two I sent out yesterday and today:
The first picture I took at the garden section at Home Depot, and the second was a close up of an ornament display at a local grocery store. I'll continue to send out pictures of found things like these every day until Christmas.

As I said, rituals are extremely important to me: going to the Renaissance Faire every year. Washing my face with morning dew on May Day. Lussekatter on St. Lucia's day. Eating strawberries and cream for breakfast on July 6, the day after my anniversary.

But life changes. I've lost my husband, and my children have left home. Some of the entities that supported important rituals are gone (no more May Day parade by Heart of the Beast. No more lovely lazy afternoons shopping at Sophie Jo's Emporium). And so rituals slowly have to change and adapt, too, as the people you shared them with move away, or the rituals themselves don't fit your life anymore. And that can be difficult and sometimes painful. The girls and I have agreed not to exchange holiday gifts this year. It makes sense--we're experiencing a financial pinch, I'm trying to eliminate more stuff coming into my life, and we're undergoing some stress. I am trying to keep the rituals I love, yet make them over to fit my life now and not the life I had five years ago or ten years ago. Even if that means changing the rituals or even letting beloved rituals go.

It means putting up a smaller Christmas tree, and not hanging every ornament I own on it, even the ones I love very much.

I created this card around the Wheel of the Year, a concept that gives structure to the rituals I follow. I put a ritual object in each corner for the four seasons of the year. For spring, I put the Tree of Life from the Heart of the Beast's May Day parade, an annual ritual that has ended as the Heart of the Beast could no longer survive at the same financial level. For Summer, I put in the strawberries and cream I eat each July 6, remembering the day after my anniversary. For fall: the feathered fan with the mirror at its center reflecting my face is the one I bring to the Renaissance Faire every year. For winter, I included a picture of my breakfast of lussekatter I eat every December 13 for St. Lucia day.

(It would have been nice, design-wise, if I could have found/thought of something round to represent Spring, to echo the round shapes in the other three corners and the wheel itself. But the Tree of Life still felt like the best thing to choose.)

Wooden carved Wheel of the Year. Lower right corner: a red bowl of strawberries and cream. Lower left: lussekatter (saffron bun) on green holly plan, two taper candles, and a cup of hot chocolate. Upper right corner: Heart of the Beast Tree of Life (a giant puppet with outstretched arms, crowned with birds). Upper left: a feathered fan with a mirror inset. A woman's face (Peg) looks back at the viewer, reflected in the mirror.

Rituals



Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 gallery.

The lingering warmth of summer and early fall is gone. I've finished the yard chores and put the garden hose away till spring. The snow shovel is now on the back stoop, and I've already used it a time or two this week. I've been making pots of my favorite lentil soup and freezing the leftovers so that whenever I like, I can pull together a hot, delicious dinner when twilight falls--three minutes in the microwave is all it takes. I get into my cozy pajamas at 5 pm, light candles in my living room, turn on some music, wrap myself up in one of my shawls and settle down with tea and a good book.

(Really, do try the soup recipe linked above. It's easy and delicious.)

A woman’s hand holds a ladle of lentil soup above a soup pot, preparing to pour it into a bowl. Lower right corner: a pair of red women’s pajamas with white polka dots. Lower left corner: blue fuzzy women’s gloves with a lit candle in a taper superimposed over them. Upper center, behind soup pot: a black and gray shawl wrap.

Winterize



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A breathtakingly blue October sky

Lake Harriet, with light glinting off the water like dazzling, restless sequins

The Lake Harriet Rose Garden, with branches stripped of blooms

Lake Harriet Peace Garden

The Roberts Bird Sanctuary: crisp leaves underfoot, the deep, thoughtful quiet of an autumn morning. Red-headed woodpeckers and juncos.

Lake Harriet Bandshell

The pathway skirting the lake, crossing the streetcar stop

Up 42nd, to Sheridan, then turn toward the Linden Hills neighborhood

Lunch at Zumbro Cafe

And all the way there, and all the way back, the light poured over me, golden as honey.

Image description: Head and shoulders shot of a woman dressed for an autumn walk, wearing sunglasses, smiling. Lower right: A rock with the words "Roberts Bird Sanctuary: In Memory of Tom Sadler Roberts" chiseled in its face. A red-headed woodpecker perches on the left side of the rock and a junco on the top. Between the woman and the rock is a statue: showing successive iterations of folded origami cranes (The Spirit of Peace origami crane sculpture in the Peace Garden by Lake Harriet). Background: bare trees silhouetted in front of autumn-colored leaves against a blue sky.

Golden



Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 gallery.

We are past the fall equinox and I am definitely beginning to feel it.

My church has a service each year on the first week of October to remember people who live with mental illness. It has always felt very well-timed to me: from long experience, I have learned to pay attention to the inside of my mind at this time of year. I have started to notice a few red flags.

For example, one of my most reliable ones: when I cannot figure out what to eat. I will take an hour and a half to figure out what to cook for dinner. This is both annoying and a sign I have learned to pay attention to. It means I may be slipping into depression.

This past week I had a strong and deepening sense of foreboding, and it felt as though I was starting to move across an increasingly darkening landscape. It didn't help that I was working without my computer all week long (I finally got it back this afternoon after eight days). Everything took longer to do. I couldn't do my usual life maintenance stuff. I didn't have access to my files, my book manuscript, my music, my sources of entertainment, my mediation programs. To all the tools that I use to keep myself on an even keel.

What am I having forebodings about? I can barely bear to read the newspaper, even though I have always felt that I should as a conscientious citizen. Climate change, the war in Ukraine, upcoming elections, a Supreme Court run amok, and the stock market (my investments have taken a huge hit, and it's hard not to react in fear). It all seems awful as if things are moving that are poised to strangle my future and the future of the people I love.

No need for any alarm; I am aware and am taking responsible steps. I don't feel as if I am in bad shape--yet. But I am paying attention to the fact that my equanimity and my mind are definitely under stress.

Image description: A silhouetted figure of a woman walks along a road in the lower right, forward into a darkened landscape filled with gray semi-transparent threats. Lower left, a button reads "Midterm Elections." Center left: the Supreme Court building. Center right: a tank flying the Ukrainian flag. Upper right: a graph with a falling line indicator against the silhouette of a bear. Upper left: the head of a raven squawks at the woman.

Foreboding



Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 gallery.

For the most part, I'm pretty content with my life. But even in the most balanced life, aggravations crop up.

I broke a bowl I've had for thirty-five years. A standard Pyrex bowl, no biggie; I can always go to the store to get another one. But it's been my special bowl for making hollandaise sauce for years (I love Hollandaise sauce), and I was startled to discover, as I stared at the shards in the sink, how cathected I could get to a simple glass bowl.

Work has been frustrating. I won't bore you with the details, but it was a wearying cycle of chasing after people via email and phone who simply wouldn't get back to me, and my work was stuck until they did. My job, as I remarked to Eric, would be so much simpler if people would simply do things when I informed them they had to do them.

As for the bottle of unsweetened cranberry juice, well...it's a well-known home remedy for an annoying personal complaint. If you don't know what that's for, Google it.

The green line at the bottom of the card depicts the fall of the value of my investment portfolio. Yikes.

Image description: Against a background of semi-transparent mild expletives, a woman (Peg) scowls in frustration at a phone in her hand. Upper right corner: a bottle of cranberry juice. Lower left: a Corningware bowl overlaid with a cracked glass filter. Lower center: a green graph with a jagged falling line.

Aggravations



Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

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My attempts to add fun to my life have been a big success. This week has been an absolute delight.

As a belated celebration of Delia's birthday, Fiona, a friend of Delia's (Anna) and I carpooled to Eau Claire where we met Delia, her boyfriend Chris, Chris' two brothers, and another friend of Delia's (Morgan). The eight of us then carpooled the next day to Wisconsin Dells, where we had a hugely enjoyable time eating lunch together and then exploring Wizard Quest. We ended the day with a ride on the Duck Boats. Seven young people in their 20s and me, which felt a little surreal but such fun. During the driving, many Jax songs were sung aloud, as well as the entire soundtrack to Hamilton. Both Morgan and Fiona handled driving through torrential rain with total aplomb.

I went out on Wednesday with some friends from my church to see Everything Everywhere All at Once, and then out to dinner at Buster's. Really loved the movie, which I heartily recommend.

My brother Chet is here from New York as yesterday was my Mom's 94th birthday. Mom, Chet and I went out for a lovely brunch, and then we had a few other family members (and Eric) join us for cocktails and a delicious dinner.

It was a week of celebrations, and I loved it.

Image description: Bottom: Eric, Peg, and Peg's Mom Char smile at the camera. Peg holds a candle flare in a bowl of ice cream. Center/right: Chris and Delia (on the Duck Boats) smile off to the left. Upper right: Delia blows out candles on a birthday cake. Upper left: against a background of Wizard's Quest t-shirts, Morgan, Fiona, Anna and Peg smile at the camera.

52 Card Project 2022: Week 35: Celebration.

Celebration



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I have been thinking about how one goes about changing one's circumstances and one's life in order to make it better.

I played with several possible themes for this week's card, including "Goals" or "Determination" or "Consistency."

I settled on "Motivation."

I don't want to annoy or trigger anyone. I'm also keenly aware that I have had members of my family who have gone through eating disorder treatment, and so I have spent years culling statements like "I'm so FAAAAATTTTT and I gotta do something about it" from my vocabulary. That is not what this post is about.

But I have been thinking about how I want to get healthier. Certainly my general health and fitness have been a preoccupation between the pandemic, my sleep disorder, and the concussion I had earlier this spring. Moreover, this has honestly been an interest of mine for years. (I did, I remind you, get a black belt in karate at the age of 51). I am interested in aging gracefully, sleeping better, and having years of life to enjoy my beautiful daughters (and perhaps grandchildren someday). I am also keenly aware that this is something Rob didn't get, that he wanted desperately. In a way, I feel like I want to get to do all the things he did not get to do.

Plus, I'll admit it. I'm vain. I'm about to go back to the Renaissance Faire for the first time in three years, and I want to still be able to fit into my Felix Needleworthy bodice instead of being forced to buy another one because I have to size up.

There are other things I want for my life that need motivation besides generally getting more fit and healthy--like picking up (and finishing!) writing another book. Or continuing to clean out the house and determine what the next stage of my life will be. I want it to be a good life.

I've been using a couple of fitness websites to track my fitness and food, and one talks a lot about goal setting and motivation.

It has an app that gets me to set small, doable goals every day. Like: I'm going to exercise 10 minutes today. You try to get a streak going, even if it's only something as simple as logging in to spin the wheel on the site to accumulate points...and then once you've done that, you might read an article about keeping up your motivation or about adding more vegetables to the diet.

I've been at it faithfully and consistently for a month, and I am starting to see results that I like. It is clear to me that what I am learning on this website about setting small goals and showing up consistently can be applied to other areas of my life.

I'm starting to think of myself differently, just as I did when I was taking karate. Back then, I was proud to be able to think of myself as a 51-year-old woman who can do thirty side kicks in a row without losing her balance.

I can't quite do that anymore, and frankly, at this point in my life, I don't really want to do that. But I'm a 62 year old woman who pops "P90X Ab Ripper" into the Blue-Ray player, as I did this morning, and tries her best to go through the routine. And no, my first effort in eight years was pretty pitiful this time, but I will keep working at it until I get better. I'll bet there are a lot of other 62-year-old women to whom it doesn't even occur to try.

I'm a woman who emerged from a fog of grief, living in a seriously disordered house stuffed with junk, and now it's a beautiful home that I'm proud to have other people see.

I'm a woman who had stepped away from writing for twenty years but now has two new chapters of a book manuscript.

I am trying to learn more about the woman I am becoming, and to make my life better all the time. I am learning to use the tools to find the motivation to claim that beautiful and fulfilling life for myself.

Image description: A head and shoulders shot of Peg (left) and Fiona (right) smiling at the camera (circa 2018). Fiona has a wreath of flowers in her hair and they are both dressed in Renaissance Faire garb (chemises and bodices). Upper center are the words "SparkCoach Check-In." Lower center the words "Do Not Give Up" spelled in Scrabble tiles. Behind the scrabble tiles is a wheel with numbers.

Motivation



Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 gallery.

I'm definitely feeling better: the supplements and the resumption of Sleep Boot Camp seem to be working.

In part of my quest to get healthier, I am going for more walks. I have settled on three routes: around Lake Nokomis, inside the Mall of America (when it gets really hot), and a lovely secluded little walk I found close to my home, along Minnehaha Creek. I usually start at a point about a mile from my home, at Minnehaha Avenue and Bloomington Avenue, and end it with a visit of homage to the Minnehaha Creek Bunny statue on Portland Avenue. This is an especially lovely route--there is a paved path, but a strip of woods runs along it, and there is an unpaved path within those woods, running along the creek. Walking along the unpathed path, you'd think yourself deep within the woods rather than in the center of a city. I particularly like this walk because it's totally shaded, very useful on hot, sunny days. At times, the path gives a good view of the lovely homes and gardens along the creek, and at other times, it's totally secluded within the trees.

The walks are working. My resting heart rate has dropped 13 beats per minute within the past month.

This card gave me a bit of frustration at first, because I was trying to figure out a new collage technique: how to insert photos into shapes. I was baffled initially because I could make the shape, but if I rotated them to make them fit, the photos would be in the wrong orientation--until I figured out that I could flip the photo before flipping the shape, and then when I inserted it and reoriented the shape, the photo would be in the correct position. It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure this out.

Image description: four intersecting triangles form the collage with a diamond shape overset over the intersection point in the center. Bottom triangle shows a brass statue of a reclining bunny. Right triangle looks over the water of a still lake with a brilliantly blue sky overhead (Lake Nokomis). Left triangle: the shaded "forest" path that runs alongside Minnehaha Creek. Upper triangle: the Mall of America logo on the side of a building. Center: a flower garden with yellow and pink flowers.

Walk



Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 gallery.