Peg Kerr's Journal

I’ve never attended the Kingfield Porchfest before, but it’s well worth it. Perfect weather for it, too. In my ongoing quest to do more to enjoy the amenities of the city, I ventured out to experience it.

The sky was a perfect blue--that's at the top of the card. I've put together performers from a couple different bands in the image.

Some of the music was really good! Some was a little wobbly, but the onlookers took it all in good cheer. It made me think of the fact that before the era of recorded music, people learned music in order to entertain themselves and each other in the evenings. Recorded music means that people have come to expect perfection. Porchfest was a good reminder to me that music for much of humanity's history has been imperfect, but appreciated as a gift between neighbors and friends.

Next time I’ll remember to bring a lawn chair. And bug spray.

Image description: a front porch under a vividly blue-colored sky. Four women seated on stools sing. On the porch behind them, a drummer is set up in front of the front door of the house. Two guitarists flank the drummer on the porch on either side.

Porchfest



Click on the links to see the 2024, 2023, 2022 and 2021 52 Card Project galleries.

Just as I did in 2018, I decided on Halloween to use my Harry Potter tarot deck to do a Deathly Hallows tarot reading. I like doing this spread on Halloween. As I noted in my post about the 2018 reading, Halloween is the anniversary of the awful day that Rob and I learned that the suspicious PET scan he had recently received was not lymphoma coming out of remission, it was leukemia (caused by the first chemotherapy he'd received) that would go on to kill him a little less than three months later.

Samhain, the day when the souls of the dead are said to approach as close as they ever do to the living, or Halloween, the day before All Soul's Day, seems to be an appropriate occasion to do the Deathly Hallows tarot spread.

1 2 3


1: The Elder Wand - something that is both winning and losing
2: The Resurrection Stone - what has been lost and will not, cannot, come back
3: The Invisibility Cloak - what you've come to accept

Here is the Tale of the Three Brothers and the Deathly Hallows:



I drew three cards.

1: The Lovers - Remus and Tonks



The book that came along with the deck explained that there are two traditional approaches for this card: either an established couple, or a man making a choice between two potential lovers. (In my Jane Austen deck, for example, the VI card shows Darcy sitting with Caroline Bingley but looking longingly out the window at Elizabeth Bennet). Remus actually fits both of these traditional approaches: he and Tonks were lovers, but a choice is also involved, because Remus lost faith in his relationship with Tonks and then chose to go back to be a husband and father again (after getting a scolding from Harry).

Three years ago, I drew the King of Cups card for the Elder Wand card, which I associated with Rob. I associate the Lovers card, of course, with Rob and myself. But it's a winning and losing card because while we were lovers, and our marriage grew stronger throughout the cancer journey, I of course lost Rob to cancer.

But this card can also represent myself and the new person in my life, Eric. I've lost Rob, but I have a new relationship. Yet, there is a choice buried in that fact, too. Do I cling to my old relationship, to my status as Rob's widow? Do I move forward into the new relationship, even to the point of marriage? I am trying to decide that. Is that winning? Is it losing?

Another way to think of the card is that it simultaneously reflects me losing Rob and winning Eric.

2: the Four of Swords - Truce



This card shows the moment when the trio tries to cross the chessboard but they are blocked by the crossed swords of the pawns. They have to pause and regroup and figure out what to do. Cards with the number four are associated with stability: four sides make a square, a very stable, balanced form.

If the card in this position in the reading represents something that I have lost forever, that, too, makes sense: I have lost stability. My married life wasn't always easy, but I knew what to expect. Now my life seems upended, and as a widow living through a pandemic, I have no idea what to expect next.

3: the Seven of Swords - Deception



This card depicts seven sword-like teeth of the Monster Book of Monsters. Traditionally, (as in the Rider-Waite deck), this card shows a man carrying away a pile of swords. There is an element of sneakiness to the card. Another traditional meaning to the card is "betrayal."

I thought about how this card and meaning applied, in terms of something I have come to accept. I mentioned that Halloween has been so hard for me the past several years, because it is such a painful anniversary. It was the date that we learned that Rob's lymphoma was now leukemia, the disease that would go on to kill him. He was betrayed by a sneak attack: the chemotherapy that was supposed to save him ultimately was what killed him.

But although I have suffered from this memory for the past several years, I am definitely coming to accept it. I had fled the celebration of Halloween every year since Rob's death--turning out the lights, leaving the house, unable to bear the parade of cheerful children in costumes. Halloween was just too painful.

Until this year. I carved pumpkins and put them out on the porch with lit candles. I bought candy and handed it out. I lit all the candles in my living room, curled up with a cozy blanket, and again watched the movie Coco. For the first time since Rob's death, I actually enjoyed the holiday. And that makes me genuinely proud of myself.

I feel particularly like a widow at this time of year. Just a couple of weeks from now will be the third anniversary of Rob’s death. One of the things I’ve done in the past few years that I’ve found comforting is collecting songs about the experience of being a widow.

I’ve finally put the music I’ve collected about the experience of being a widow into a YouTube playlist, which I’ve made public, 80 songs in all (well, 79 songs and one video: the fourth on the list is actually a scene rather than a song).

The playlist is in a roughly narrative arc, with the bleakest and most numb songs at the beginning (when a loss is most fresh and the widow is most devastated), which then lead into songs of widows struggling and coping and finally moving on with their lives, maybe even finding a new love. The last song on the list is one of the most hopeful songs I’ve ever found.

In a few of the songs, although it’s not reflected in the lyrics, it’s clear from the video that the singer is actually singing about someone other than a spouse/partner: i.e., a sibling or parent. I still included them if nothing in the lyrics contradicts the impression that it could be for a spouse/partner.

I’ve cried over the songs in this list many times, but on the whole, this list of music has gone a long way to helping me process my grief. I’ve shared this list with a few online widow groups already, but it occurs to me that there are widows amongs my friends here, too. And, unfortunately, there are a lot of newly bereaved people out there, due to Covid. I hope this playlist can help others, so please do share it. And I’d love feedback: Let me know if this list introduces a new song to you that helps you...I’d be curious to know which ones you particularly liked and/or found helpful or comforting.

Edited to add: I wanted to add the link for the song “Row of Small Trees” because it’s not on YouTube but people might want to listen to it and/or buy it for their own collection. It was written by Garnet Rogers, who also wrote “Night Drive,” another song on the YouTube list.

Today is the anniversary of the awful day that Rob and I learned that the suspicious PET scan he had recently received was not lymphoma coming out of remission, it was leukemia (caused by the first chemotherapy he'd received) that would go on to kill him a little less than three months later.

It is Samhain, the day when the souls of the dead are said to approach as close as they ever do to the living, Halloween, the day before All Soul's Day.

It seemed to be an auspicious day to do a Tarot reading, and given the day, the anniversary, and the fact that I most usually use my Harry Potter tarot deck, it seemed right to find a Deathly Hallows Spread. I found one quickly:


1 2 3


1: The Elder Wand - something that is both winning and losing
2: The Resurrection Stone - what has been lost and will not, cannot, come back
3: The Invisibility Cloak - what you've come to accept

Here is the Tale of the Three Brothers and the Deathly Hallows:



I drew three cards. All three were reversed. I thought about the reversals, but the reading seemed clearer if I just ignored them.

1: The King of Cups



The King of Cups. The book about the Harry Potter tarot says this can be the archetype of the injured King, the man who fell into guilt and learned wisdom through pain and suffering.

Well, I don't know about guilt, but this card to me is plainly Rob. Cups are water. Rob was born in November, and that is under Scorpio, which is a water sign. Wounded, pain and suffering: check. He won because he defeated lymphoma, but he lost, defeated by leukemia. And I lost him. Cups seems right, as he is right at the center of my grief (emotion, love).

Edited to add: I've thought more about why Rob's card would be in this position, the Elder Wand position. The fact is, when it came to fighting cancer, Rob thought he was undefeatable. And for a while, it looked as though he was right. He went through four or five chemos, radiation, four surgeries, immunotherapy. He beat the odds to an extent that it astonished his doctors and his--arrogance, I guess, that he would always beat them almost irritated me. At one point, I asked him how long he thought he would live with lymphoma. "Oh, fifteen to twenty years, I guess." Eyebrows raised, I asked the doctor. "I met you a year ago," the doctor said, "and in that year, eighty percent of my patients with your diagnosis have died."

Like the eldest brother in the tale, Rob was undefeated. He beat lymphoma; he was lymphoma-free when he died. But he was taken out by a stealth opponent, who betrayed him, arising directly as a result of his chemotherapy.

He fought cancer for four and a half years, but I think he only really understood he was going to die when the doctor told him so the day before. Like the eldest brother in the tale, Rob died in his sleep, rousing only the last few seconds before his breath stopped to see me and Fiona, keeping watch over him.

2: 6 of Cups - Happiness



What has been lost and will not, cannot, come back? Well, the thought that happiness is lost and never coming back — isn't that a kick in the teeth. Yet, yes, the happiness I had being married to him is over. That is what grief is about. Note that this card specifically references Felix Felices. We always said that Rob was lucky in his fight with cancer...until he ran out of luck.

Another tarot book talked a bit about how this card (if you ignore the reversal) is about the past, previously, formerly. Memories. Thoughts of past loves. Faded, vanished. Longing, yearning. Traumas, mistakes.

As I enter this season of the anniversaries leading up to Rob's death, this also feels right. This feels like I'm looking back at those painful points (Halloween when we learned of the leukemia, Thanksgiving, when he entered the hospital for the last time, Christmas, when we were so sad to be apart, and the end of January, when he died).

Edited to add: After thinking about it, I realized: Harry used up the Felix Felices (gone, never to come back) to appeal to Slughorn on behalf of his mother (gone, never to come back) in order to get a truth he needed. An interesting play off the concept of memory/nostalgia incorporated in the card.

Thinking some more about why this card is in the Resurrection Stone position. The second brother in the story could not stop looking backward toward his lost love (nostalgia), feeling that all his hopes of happiness were tied to her. But she was gone, and the knowledge destroyed him. This card is a warning, like the warning that Dumbledore gave Harry when he was spending too much time gazing into the Mirror of Erised at his lost family: "It does not do to dwell in dreams, Harry, and forget to live."

3: Princess of Disks



This card, I'm pretty sure, is me. Luna is a character we meet in the aftermath of grief. The book says,

"Love, warmth, protection, being in tune with nature, being at rest with oneself, caring, growth.

The Princess of Earth (Disks) [I was born in April, under the sign of Taurus, which is an Earth sign] is a somewhat shy but very creative and warm-hearted young woman. She is trusting and open to new ideas and willing to follow through on her plans, no matter what. She is reliable, kind, and in tune with the cycles of nature within herself and within the world around her. Her insights are powerful, not necessarily at a superficial intellectual level, but because they express a deeper sense of truth....while her unshakeable belief of nargles and blibbering humdingers exposes her to the ridicule of her fellow students, it expresses a deeper truth: that this world is full of magic and surprises, if only we open our eyes and believe. She also acknowledges that sometimes knowledge is only achieved through pain. She can see and befriend thestrals because of the death of her mother."

Yes. I can see thestrals now. And yes, I think my pain and my grief has led to a lot of growth in the last year. I would hope I am reliable and kind. I would be honored to be like Luna in these ways.

I've created a Widow's music playlist. Many of the songs explore the myriad aspects of grief. I like playlists that follow a narrative arc: the beginnings songs focus on widows who want nothing more than to follow the beloved into death (the first song on the list is "I Am Stretched on Your Grave") and the last one that closes it out is a song that is suggestive of the sort of wisdom that Luna has mastered, understanding death as she does. (One my Harry Potter fanfiction stories puts it this way: "Because you know death...Because you've faced it and fought it and feared it and denied it and accepted it and you understand it, as much as anyone still living still can.")

Danny Gokey
"Tell Your Heart To Beat Again"

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

I often post a song for the Winter Solstice on my blog. I went to YouTube looking for one and found an entire mix. If you'd like to hear some lovely Solstice songs, here is the link.

Enjoy the music, and happy Solstice! Lighter days are coming, and I, for one, am glad.

It is really an advent carol, but almost entirely unknown, I think. About its origins Mudcat.org says:

John Taylor, Postbridge aged 85, Tune not recorded in Killerton Ms but can be found in the Rough Ms. Baring-Gould gives a second version which he says is closer to the broadside ballad.
K3 p297
from Sabine Baring-Gould and the folk songs of South-West England

The gorgeous version I have is by Jennifer Cutting's Ocean Orchestra (here you can hear small sample).

I found another artist who put the whole song online, giving it a different title.



( Here are the lyrics of the version I know )

I discovered this song when my family sent me on a spa weekend getaway for my fiftieth birthday.

I have been playing it a lot lately, when the wish for a Time Turner starts itching at me again, as it has a lot lately.

But hey, I'm not wishing for a Resurrection Stone.



Tell me about ways you are living in the moment.

A long time ago, someone gave me Zoe Mulford's song Elegy (Crystal Glass), which you can hear in its entirety on her website here. The lyrics are also posted there.

Do listen to it, and leave me a comment if you do. I think it's a lovely message. I draw it to your attention in honor of the ten beautiful crystal iced tea glasses my mom has given me, as part of her move to a smaller home.

I'm a singer (amateur) but don't play any instruments (alas). I found this utterly fascinating: legendary Queen guitarist Brian May explains, step by step, how Bohemian Rhapsody was mixed/put together.

( Here's the song Bohemian Rhapsody )

Here's the explanation:




(Did you know, by the way, that Brian May has a Ph.D. in Astrophysics? I didn't!)

This is a really good version of 'Space Oddity.' And bonus: it was shot on the International Space Station by Commander Chris Hadfield.