Peg Kerr's Journal

When thinking about the past week, I had difficulty settling upon an idea for a collage. Why did the week seem like such a blur, such a blank?

Upon thinking it over, I realized that this was because I spent much of the week mentally checked out. I checked my Goodreads page and realized that I read ten books in the past week. When I wasn't reading on my tablet, I was listening to audiobooks.

I had much of the week off from work, but the weather was extremely cold and dreary. I spent much of the week huddled on my couch, diving into escapist fiction. It's partly the effect of the dreadful political news and the mental sink that comes with the second half of winter, too--I just wanted to...not be there.

*Sigh* I know that I can't do this all the time. But this week, I just couldn't resist flying into the mental escape.

Background: semi-transparent wall of books. Lower foreground: a woman reads on a tablet reader. Center: a pair of headphones wrapped around five standing books. Upper center: an open book with two pages folded into the shape of a heart. A couple dressed in Regency dress stands silhouetted in front, their heads framed by the heart shape of the pages.

Escapism



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I learned recently of the death of a good college friend, which was a shock. As I reflected upon my friend's life, I found myself feeling extremely sad for her. Her relationships with every person in her life had suffered profoundly: she broke with every member of her family, she had three failed marriages, she lost many of her possessions in an apartment building fire, she struggled with alcohol and mental health issues, she was unable to find meaningful work in the last decade of her life, and in the end, she died alone. I'm not saying that she didn't have moments of joy in her life, because she did.

But still...

The week depicted by this collage also included Groundhog Day, which also happens to be the anniversary of Rob's funeral.

Together, along with a Jeep commercial post that floated by me on Facebook, this got me to start thinking about the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day. I saw a post online years ago about this movie that I have wished many times that I could read again, but alas, I didn't bookmark it.

The post argued that Groundhog Day is a really remarkably profound movie about life and its search for meaning. Bill Murray's character in this film is a cynical news reporter sent to cover the Puxsawtawney Phil celebration on February 2 who discovers, to his consternation, that he is repeating the same day over and over again. He goes through countless reactions: disbelief, destructive anger, a cynical willingness to take advantage of a life with no consequences, and suicidal despair. He is finally jolted into a new way of thinking by the realization that there is a man he encounters every repeated day who dies during the course of the day, and he cannot save him. Death, he comes to realize, limits us all, so what kind of life is he willing to make for himself within those limits? Even if that limit is just one day?

Why not make it the best of all possible lives?

In my reading of Jane Austen fanfiction, I have come across four different retellings of Pride and Prejudice using this Groundhog Day framing, of a day repeated over and over again. I was initially surprised by this, but then realized that it makes sense, because the central plot in Pride and Prejudice is examining at least some of the same questions that underlie the movie Groundhog Day. In the development of their relationship with one another, Darcy and Lizzy each have to wrestle with the question: what kind of person am I? What kind of life do I want to live? What constitutes a worthwhile life? What kind of relationships do I want to have with the people around me, and do any of them include love?

I spend Groundhog Day reading one of these four variations, Elizabeth Frerichs's The Riches of a Well-Lived Life, which I very much enjoyed. (I had picked it up because I was quite pleased with an earlier book of hers, Through the Lens of a Letter). The other variations that I know of using this same Groundhog Day premise are Jayne Bambour's Madness in Meryton (which, interestingly enough, chooses the exact same day from the novel to repeat, the date that the Bennet sisters walk to Meryton and meet Wickham), Elizabeth Adams' The 26th of November, and Beau North and Brooke West's The Many Lives of Fitzwilliam Darcy.

Mulling this over got me to think about again something I have considered before: what, to me, would be a well-lived life? I remember when I lost my job at the law firm and did a lot of analysis of this question and came up with an answer I rather like: a well-lived life is living in the right place, with strong connections (of friendship and love) to the right people, doing the right work on purpose. I will be thinking more about this (as I mentioned before, this year is going to include a lot of change), as I try to envision the right life for me.

This collage is inspired by the lovely cover of Elizabeth Frerichs' book, taking care, however, not to appropriate the copyrighted art.

Edited to add: After posting this, I went to my friend’s funeral. The eulogy was delivered by her younger brother, the sole remaining member now of their immediate family. After speaking movingly of his sister’s struggles, he closed with some words that dovetailed so exactly with the thoughts of this post that I asked him to send me a copy of his remarks and he obliged. He closed with this:

What I do know is this: setting aside for a moment our hope and faith in the life to come, death gives this temporal life great meaning. Precisely because we will not live forever, how we live each and every day matters. Because we cannot stop time, time is precious… do not let any more time go by before you hug tight those that you love, before you tell them, over and over and over again, the joy they bring to your life, that you make sure they know that nothing they do or say can separate them from the love you bear them.
For you have a history left to write with them. Write it well.

(Image description: Background: Watercolor wash in blues and purples. Center: an old-fashioned pocket watch, with a picture of a waltzing Regency couple in the center. Top: the words 'The Riches of a Life Well-Lived. Bottom left: a handler in a top hat holds Punxsutawney Phil aloft. The words 'Work,' 'Friends,' 'Travel,' 'Family,' and 'Love' are written on the background in the lower part of the collage.

Groundhog Day



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I decided to get a rush ticket to see a play at the Guthrie Theater: "Born With Teeth," a two-man production hypothesizing about the relationship between William Shakespeare and Kit Marlowe.

It was an impulsive decision, and I was almost startled by how much I enjoyed it.

I had to show up a couple of hours early to snag a rush ticket, but I managed to do so. The Guthrie is a mere two blocks away from my former law firm employer. I hadn't been back since the day I packed up my stuff and left after they let me go in 2016. I plucked up my courage and took the elevator up to the fourth floor, where I was greeted by a woman who had no idea who I was. "I worked here for twenty-three years," I informed her dryly. "And I just stopped by to see if there were still any familiar faces."

There was one familiar person available who came out to see me, and we chatted for a few minutes. The old place has changed a lot, given the pandemic. Most people now work from home--there were only five people in the office that day--and every attorney I had worked for has since left the firm. Still, I was glad that I stopped by. It gave me the chance to remind myself that I'm really better off having moved on, and I definitely laid some ghosts to rest.

Then I stopped at a Thai restaurant for a bowl of pad thai and then went to see the play. Hugely enjoyable. I stopped in the gift shop and bought a copy, as well as another Jane Austen mug to match the one I already have (I figured that Eric and I can have matching mugs for when he comes over for coffee on Saturday mornings). Finally, I walked three blocks to the Stone Arch Bridge and walked across it, as I did for mid-morning and mid-afternoon breaks for exercise for years when I worked at my former job.

A day well spent. I need to do more things to really get out and enjoy the amenities of the city that the pandemic has made me rather forget.

Alternate collage ideas this week not used:

Dreams
Change

Image description: Background: an image of the Guthrie theater. Against this background, two men in punk/Elizabethan dress (actors in the Guthrie production "Born With Teeth") face each other, one sitting (Will) and one crouching (Kit). Kit has his hand under Will's chin. The logo for the Guthrie is behind Will's head. Lower left: sign for Mill Ruins Park/Stone Arch Bridge. Lower right: a Jane Austen mug. Upper left: logo for Peg's former employer. Upper right: logo for Kin Dee (a Thai restaurant).

Guthrie



Click here to see the 2023 52 Card Project gallery.

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As I mentioned in my last entry, I had a lot of fun this week creating a new mood set for my journal, based on quotations from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. (You can see the mood set here).

This dovetailed in an interesting way with a personal Emotional Intelligence report I received this week, based on a test I took in preparation for a staff retreat. I won't go into much detail about it--it's rather personal--but as I remarked at the retreat, I had a strong emotional reaction to reading my emotional intelligence report.

Here's a graphic from the report which shows some of the emotions that the assessment is evaluating:


There were some things in my report that confirmed my understanding of myself. My emotional self-awareness, for example, was my highest score, in the leadership range. This made sense to me, given my years of therapy, my psychology degree, and my vast experience with journaling.

But other results were disconcerting and rather gave me pain and even a sense of shame. They challenged my own conception of myself.

I have often struggled with my relationship with my own emotions. They have often felt like they were Entirely Too Much. For many years, for example, I would have gladly excised my periodic bouts of depression from my own personality were it possible, although I gradually did come to understand the gifts that depression can bring and no longer feel the same way. But aside from that, I regretted all the times that strong emotion (whether anger or depression or embarrassment or whatever) seemed to interfere with my wish to live a strong, dignified, happy, serene, and ethical life.

But doesn't that get right to all the musing I have done over the years about my favorite theme in literature: choosing the heart of flesh over the heart of stone? A heart of stone, after all, feels no emotion.

I don't want that.

I do believe that self-complacency is something that must be continually challenged, and I did some thinking about how the kaleidoscope of emotions in the mood set was what the report was measuring. I thought about one of my favorite moments in Pride and Prejudice, the point on which the whole book turns, when Lizzy reads Darcy's letter. She realizes that she has allowed her emotions to mislead her, blinding herself with prejudice and that she needs to rethink everything. "Till this moment," she exclaims, "I never knew myself."

Both Lizzy and Darcy take their painful self-knowledge, and their new insight into their own emotions, and use it to earnestly work at improving their own characters. Only due to their willingness to do the necessary inner work do they eventually find their way to their happy ending together.

Image description: Background: various Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice quotations: Hope was over, entirely over / I do not know when I have been more shocked / I am excessively diverted / I did not think Caroline in spirits / I am sure Jane will die of a broken heart / I was ready to die of laughter / My dear, do not give way to such gloomy thoughts / I was never more annoyed / Have a little compassion on my poor nerves! / what delight! What felicity. Center: An Emotional Intelligence wheel. Overlay, center, semi-transparent: Till this moment, I never knew myself.

Emotions



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I took the week off of work and have had some fun things planned. Eric and I took a trip to Sioux Falls, South Dakota to visit some dear friends of his. We stayed at Steever House Bed and Breakfast for a couple of days. Very nice place, with friendly hosts and delicious breakfasts. Relaxing there was a great way to start off the week. Eric and I had a pleasant time reading, doing a tarot reading or two, and going out to dinner with Jack and Mary.

I also took a day trip to visit Delia in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, where her dog Violet, actually tolerated my presence better than the last time I was there (although she still gives me the occasional stink-eye).

Yesterday, Mom and I drove out to the Arboretum to see the fall displays, including the giant pumpkins.

This card has some of these elements, although I am not quite satisfied with the design. Just seems a little hodge podge/lackluster. I've been struggling with my sleep disorder lately and perhaps my creative edge is a bit blunted.

Image description: Upper center: a Victorian house silhouetted against a sky at twilight (Steever Bed and Breakfast in Sioux Falls, SD). Upper right: the logo for a restaurant in Sioux Falls (Minerva's). Center left, a white dog (Violet) lies with her head on her paws, eyeing the viewer. Center right: a bronze dragon statue (taken from the cover of R.A. MacAvoy's book Tea With the Black Dragon, which I read aloud to Eric on the trip). Lower left: a giant pumpkin, lying on its side. The sign in front of the dragon statue reads "Seymour, the giant pumpkins. 744.5 lbs at the 2022 giant pumpkin weigh-off." Lower right: the cover and three tarot cards from the Jane Austen tarot deck by Diane Wilkes.

Vacation



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I've signed the contracts for the roofer, the painter, and the pest control company (to evict the squirrels). The projects will be scheduled for later this summer.

Let me be clear: I have the money in hand to do this. But my financial plan for my future, worked out between myself and my financial planner, did not envision this project would be quite this expensive. I can still do it and pay all my bills. But I am looking ahead and making changes now so that my financial plan in the future will still allow me to do everything I want to do. That means I must look for ways to either reduce my expenses or increase my income right now.

And so I am thinking about retrenching.

The word "retrench" calls to mind this scene from Chapter 1 of Jane Austen's Persuasion. Sir Walter Elliot, the father of the novel's protagonist Anne Elliot, is a fool who spends an absurd amount of money to keep up the appearance that he thinks is necessary to uphold his dignity as a baronet.



Unlike Sir Walter, I am determined not to be a fool. I am (and have been all along) paying all my bills. I am still eating, I am still finding ways to entertain myself, and enjoy my life. But I've decided to stop drawing upon one of the resources I had been tapping, in order to stretch out my ability to do so in the future. And that has meant overhauling my budget. To do so, I have been drawing upon skills that I developed back when Rob and I were going through the three years that he was unemployed, the year and a half that I was unemployed, and when his income was cut back due to cancer. I also hope to find an additional one-day-a-week job to bring up my income a little.

Some of these are skills that my mother taught me, and in turn, I have tried to pass them on to my daughters (Fiona has commented appreciatively that she is very glad that I taught her about frugality, and she has said it has given her a huge advantage over many of her college friends). Also unlike Sir Walter, I'm really quite good at frugality. And I actually enjoy it--it's almost like a game.

I have done some investigation about what programs I'm eligible for, and I just sent off my application for the Minnesota Energy Assistance program. If I get it (no guarantee; some years they run out of funds early) I would also be eligible for the Weatherization program, where I can get up to $1,000 of products (insulation, etc.) that would help lower my energy costs. I have changed how I allocate my dollars to pay for my food and actually have had a lot of fun in the past week trying new recipes and doing batch cooking to make up for the fact that I'm stopping eating out.

Image description: Against a background of coins, an elegantly dressed Sir Walter Elliot holds a pair of gloves. Behind him are bags of groceries. In the right corner, a woman's hand puts a coin in a piggy bank.

Retrench



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I had last week off, and I worked hard on continuing to clear stuff out of the house. But every moment that I wasn't doing that, I was reading Jane Austen fanfiction (mostly Pride and Prejudice-centered). I download stuff to my Nook: both Pride and Prejudice variations published on Amazon, as well as unpublished stuff on AO3 and Fanfiction.net. I probably read ten to fifteen books worth over the course of the week. Found a lot of dreck, but some lovely stuff as well. It seemed to be necessary for my back brain.

The central image is one of my prized possessions: an oil painting portrait of Jane from my private collection by the painter Richard Serrin (a great friend of my Dad's). And of course, when reading Jane Austen fanfiction, it is important to drink tea from one's Jane Austen mug.

Jane




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...as she stood before the canvas on which he was represented, and fixed his eyes upon herself,
she thought of his regard with a deeper sentiment of gratitude than it had ever raised before;
she remembered its warmth, and softened its impropriety of expression.

--Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I realize that I never posted the last pictures we took for our family portrait. They were taken by a friend of the family and professional photographer, John Walsh, the night before Thanksgiving, November 2017. We had no way of knowing, but that was the very last night that Rob slept in his own bed. I took him to the Emergency Room the next day, Thanksgiving Day, for fever, and he was admitted that day. He never saw his home again. Many of you saw these pictures on our Christmas card.


















The shoot was wonderful, and you can see what a happy, laughing time we had...but I knew in my heart what was coming. When Rob's individual portrait appeared on the photographer's monitor, I immediately burst into tears. I managed to choke out that it was because I so moved by it. Indeed, I loved it--but that wasn't it.

I was crying because I instantly knew it was going to be his obituary picture. And I was right.



Today, I thought of this treasured picture of Rob as I was listening to this song, from Austen's Pride, A New Musical of Pride and Prejudice. (Listen to this song here. The lyrics here are from the first minute and forty seconds. Listen to the whole thing: it's gorgeous.)

Who are you?
I thought I knew
The man in the portrait
You appear and seem to be
All the things that I refused to see
And you said you loved me.

Who are you?
Is it true
The man in the portrait
Is thoughtful and good?
If I knew then
What I know now
I might have understood
But that was then
Now I’m face to face
With you, the man in the portrait
In your gaze, I can see
The way you used to smile at me
And it says, you loved me.

I was open with the fact, I think, that Rob and I had our struggles, as happens of course in any marriage. It was very difficult particularly through the years of unemployment. But my respect for him grew so much as I watched him battle cancer, and somehow, this photograph captured something about him and made it visible for all: his nobility, and his suffering, and the love that shone out of him. The lines I've bolded above say it well. I told the photographer that I will treasure this photo for the rest of my life.

I cried a lot today.

photo credit John Walsh

It's been a long time since I made a hundred things entry, but I'm trying to resume having a life. For those of you who remember, my goal was to try 100 new things. Last night I went to the Tapestry Folk Dance Center and joined the English Country Dance group. It meets on Sunday nights from 7 - 9 pm. Fiona has been going to the contra dancing on Saturday night for quite a long time, and I've always thought some of the classes offered at the Center would be fun to try.

There were perhaps thirty people there, most my age or older. Everyone was extremely friendly. A number of them who spoke with me said they had been coming for years.

English country dances are elegant social dances from the 17th and 18th century, set to Baroque and Early music. It is somewhat slower than contra dancing, but more technically precise. It suited my purpose to try something to 1) get me out of the house 2) get me interacting with people and 3) get me exercising. This neatly fulfills all three goals. I had a great deal of fun. Although it was my first time there, the experienced dancers were kind enough to say that I acquitted myself very well. I used to do folk dance in gym in high school, and I liked it quite well, and I think that experience helped. So did my ballet and karate experience, as it taught me how to quickly learn a form, a routine. I think I'm reasonably graceful, despite the fact that I'm carrying a few extra pounds.

The leader led us through four or five dances. One, I remember, was called Dover Beach. Most originated centuries ago, but one, called Angels...something...was choreographed in 2011.

I hope I'll have the opportunity to learn "Mr. Beveridge's Maggot" which was used in the 1995 BBC production of Pride and Prejudice. (Yes, that's really the dance's name--in the 18th century "Maggot" was a word that was used to describe a fanciful or whimsical thing.)



Verdict: it was definitely fun, and I certainly plan to go again. Next time, I'll bring water and wear a long skirt.




{Take the 100 Things challenge!}

We met with the oncologist today. The news was disappointing, but not unexpected.

I came back to work after the appointment and spoke with one of my attorneys, who said something like, "You're being so strong about this. If it were me, I would be scarfing chocolate like crazy."

I had to laugh. "Yeah, that's what I did: I immediately went to Starbucks and bought a chocolate croissant right after the appointment."

If the schedulers manage to pull all the right strings in time, Rob will be hospitalized Monday for four days.

In other news...um...Fiona's apartment is great. And my back is much, much better.

Watching The Lizzie Bennet Diaries is a fine thing to do tonight.