pegkerr | Entries tagged with light in dark places

I had plans for Solstice. I had rejected the idea of holding a Solstice party since Solstice was in the middle of the week. Still, I thought that at least Eric and I could get together and have a relaxed evening with roasted chestnuts, mulled wine, nibblies, and some quiet conversation.

Yeah, snow/polar vortex and driving--clearly not a good combination. My church canceled its evening Solstice service. Obviously, the best thing to do was to scale back plans. So Eric and I reluctantly called off the idea of getting together, and I just curled up on my own couch by myself.

I still made the nibblies! And I ate them all myself. They were delicious ;-) And I lit my ice candles outside and over twenty candles on my first floor and listened to this playlist and goodness, it was a lovely evening.

The days are now beginning to get lighter.

Image description: In the darkness, lit ice candles border a sidewalk leading to the front steps of a house. Upper left: a lit Christmas tree. Upper right: a vase with Christmas greenery surrounded by lit candles. Lower center: a platter of nibblies: crackers, cheese, nuts, fruits, and vegetables. The dark scene is surrounded by a border of golden stars and glitter.

Solstice

51 Solstice

Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 gallery.

I got an email from LiveJournal noting that April 27, 2022 is the 20th anniversary of my setting up my LiveJournal.

So I've been thinking about this, and about what starting to blog on LiveJournal and later Dreamwidth opened up in my life.

As I had noted in my very first entry, I had kept a daily personal journal for 25 years at the time I started my LiveJournal. So I was very familiar with the process of writing about my life.

What was different and what proved to be almost seductive was that for the first time in 25 years, I got reactions to what I was writing.

I wrote about my family, about parenting, about my fandom obsessions, about writing, about my struggle to cook for my family. I wrote about politics. I wrote about all our family rituals (May Day, 12th Night, etc.). I wrote about my karate journey, from white belt to black belt. I wrote about depression. I wrote about whatever I was thinking about. Eventually, I wrote about Rob's illness and death.

Twenty years ago was a more innocent age, and I would probably make different decisions about how frankly I spoke about things if I had known then what I know now when starting to write. But for the most point, opening my life in this way has been a blessing, and I have made so many remarkable friendships. Online friendships ARE real ones.

The background of the collage includes text from my very first entry, and the color green is the green I used in all the icons I created. Otherwise, it shows various things that have cropped up in my journal over the years. I certainly didn't have room to include them all. I think I may create a separate Soulcollage card for "Blogger." Edited to add: And I have done so, here.

Blogging

17 Blogging

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So I've been thinking about the cross quarter day that fell this week, at the midpoint between the winter solstice and the spring equinox (each year somewhere between January 31st to February 4th). It is believed to have been observed as a festival/holiday as far back as the Neolithic when megalithic chambers marked the light of the rising sun on this day. It was only a few years ago that I learned the name for this day: Imbolc.

haddayr had some things to say about this fire festival on Facebook (quoted with permission):

Tonight [January 31] is St. Brigid's Eve, Oiche Fhéile Bhríde, or Imbolc Eve.

If you wanna do something Imbolc-y and in honor of Naomh Bríd you might make some butter or a St. Brigid's Cross, and/or leave out a white cloth for the saint to bless as she goes by with her cow. I'm sure the cow would not sneer at some hay.

St. Brigid is Mary of the Gaels, but she is also connected to Scotland as she spent some time on the Isle of Iona before being whisked by angels to midwife Mary as she gave birth to Jesus.

Ignore whether or not the dates match up; that's irrelevant.

Her cloak is a powerful one for protection but also for fighting the patriarchy: she asked a bishop for land for an all-women's monastery (unheard of at the time or now) and he sneered and offered her as much land as her cloak would cover.

She threw it down and it expanded for acre upon acre upon acre until the bishop begged her to stop, and she got her land.
She's in charge of a lot of stuff: beer, milk, women, labor, the forge, the fire of inspiration, the fire of the hearth, healing.

I love the traditional song to her because it reminds me that somewhere, if not yet in Minnesota, the earth is warming. It ends, translated, like this:
The house of winter is very dark
Cutting with its sharpness
But on Brigid’s Day
Ireland's spring is nearby.
Here's how to make a St. Brigid's Cross. These videos are good, but please ignore him when he says the four-legged one is the 'traditional' one. St. Bride's crosses, like everything else in Ireland, is regional.

Here's a four-legged version of the cross from County Leitrim.

Here's a three-legged one which is the one I find easiest to make for beginners, from County Donegal.

And this astounding creature is from Wexford

More interesting bits here:

Imbolc, which falls on the 1st of February, is one of the cornerstones of the Celtic calendar...As winter stores were getting low, Imbolc rituals were performed to ensure a steady supply of food until the harvest six months later. Over time, the church swallowed many facets of this of this festival, mainly due to Highlanders reluctance to lose such an important part of their culture and the churches pragmatism in adapting seemingly conflicting ideologies when it suited.

So Imbolc became Candlemass and the pagan goddess Bridhe associated with it became St Bride.

And here:

Brigid’s worship was absorbed by the Church where she became known as St. Brigid, but she is one of the few goddesses whose honorary rituals still survive today. (This is likely due to the fact that neither the Romans or Christianity never quite managed to fully colonize Ireland.)

Remnants of this awareness of the beginning of spring in the midst of winter also pop up in our modern civic holiday Groundhog's Day.

So why have I been thinking about Imbolc? Well, I've always been fascinated with the concept of light in dark places. It seems all the more powerful to me this year, as we drag further into the pandemic. Imbolc is about being in the middle of winter. Winter behind us, winter ahead of us, but there are signs that we aren't going to suffering through winter forever. So we take hope from that. Snowdrops will be coming up soon. Maybe a groundhog will see its shadow (although in this dumpster fire of the year of Our Lord 2022, Milltown Mel died just before Groundhog Day, forcing Milltown, New Jersey to cancel its planned Groundhog Day celebrations since all the pinch hitter groundhogs were still in hibernation).

Here's the song that first put Imbolc on my radar a number of years ago: Don't Be Afraid of the Light That Shines Within You by Luka Bloom:

Watch on YouTube

The card shows (over a background of blurred candlelight) a table set for St. Bridgid's Eve. Behind the table can be seen a dignitary holding up a crabby groundhog, a Bridgid's cross trimmed with greenery, a Bridgid corn doll, and some snow drops, one of the first signs of spring.

Imbolc

5 Imbolc

Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

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After a week of horrendous cold, things are starting to warm up, and my ice lanterns are melting. There are two more hours of daylight than there were at the winter solstice. This is a relief. I am feeling my mood lift a little, and I am REALLY looking forward to spring.

This is a very simple card, just one image, but it feels right.

Thaw

Thaw: a half-melted ice lantern on a concrete stair

Thaw: a half-melted ice lantern on a concrete stair

Click here to read about the 52 card project and see the year's gallery.

I am having a difficult time with these dark days.

I'll be entirely alone at Christmas this year.

Having a lot of widow feels.

Week 17: Biopsy
After the second of two biopsies, Rob hovers at the brink of awakening.

Week 17 Biopsy

I took a picture of Rob right right before he awoke from the anesthesia, after a double bone marrow biopsy. Something about his posture, the angle of his face, the lighting (and the suffering of which he never complains)...something made me think of religious iconography. (Which would certainly bemuse Rob, as he is an agnostic.) A saint in a religious trance or something. Religious ecstacy.

That impression and that word, 'ecstacy' triggered a memory of an image I'd had stashed in my soulcollaging cache of images, "The Ecstasy of St. Teresa," a central sculptural group in white marble set in an elevated aedicule in the Cornaro Chapel, Santa Maria della Vittoria, Rome (google it to see). I flipped that image and scaled Rob's down to fit in with it. Note the angel holds an arrow, indicative of the sharp point just used to do the biopsy. It pleases me that the arrow is pointed at the site of the cancer.

Week 18: Yule
Light a candle, sing a song.

Week 18 Yule

There is a Peter Mayer song about the winter solstice called "The Longest Night." ( Here are the lyrics )

I've always loved that song, especially given that I'm vulnerable to Seasonal Affective Disorder. This card is trying to juxtapose the thoughts of this song with Christmas (the wreath) and Solstice (the diamond candle), which fell during the same week. "Yule" is a concept that would encompass both of them.

Although I like the concept, the card just didn't turn out to have as much impact as I'd hoped. Just not vivid enough or something.

Week 19: Hogmanay
The year comes to an end.

Week 19 Hogmanay

THIS card, on the other hand, turned out SPLENDIDLY. I had a great deal of difficulty, however, managing a decent scan of the card, because it is difficult for scans to capture the way it glitters. It's much more scintillatingly impressive when you hold it in your hand than I can convey here. "Hogmanay" is an old Scottish word referring to New Year's Eve (and I resorted to it because I'm limiting the titles of these cards to one word, and "Newyear' just didn't look right to me). The monks are a reference to the poem I wrote and posted earlier about our trip to Mayo Clinic the day before New Year's Eve, and the silver light and the glittering spindrift was made from nail polish. The very same nail polish, as a matter of fact, that I used in my New Year's Eve manicure. I think they captured the sense of the 'icy spindrift' (and the cones of silver light) extremely well!

And the Chinese fortune was from the fortune cookie I opened on New Year's Eve. My family has been gathering together and eating Chinese every single New Year's Eve for years. Perhaps this fortune was a wry commentary on the job hunting process.

I follow the blog Letters of Note which posts every day a letter from someone in history, some famous and some not. I'm catching up a bit; a few days ago an extraordinarily beautiful letter by Henry James was the one chosen. About this letter, the editor of the site writes:

In July of 1883, the novelist Henry James received an emotional letter from Grace Norton — a good friend and fellow writer who, following a death in the family, had recently become depressed and was desperate for direction. James's beautiful response can be seen below. It is, without a doubt, one of the greatest letters of advice I've ever had the fortune to read.

(Source: Henry James: Selected Letters)

131 Mount Vernon St.,
Boston

July 28th

My dear Grace,

Before the sufferings of others I am always utterly powerless, and the letter you gave me reveals such depths of suffering that I hardly know what to say to you. This indeed is not my last word—but it must be my first. Read the rest of the letter here.

The editor's right. This is an extraordinarily beautiful and wise response to suicidal despair.

Thanks, Henry James.

As I've mentioned before, I've really detected a lifting of my years-long chronic depression. I talked with my psychiatrist at my last med check about this, last October. Could I decrease my medication? He suggested that since I'm prone to seasonal affective disorder, I wait until the light starts increasing.

This seemed reasonable to me. Despite a lot of stress that Elinor Dashwood is not talking about publicly, my mood continued to be, well, not exactly burbly/cheerful. But neutral. Even good.

Wow. Is this what most people feel like all the time?

Now I've started to decrease the antidepressant. Interestingly, once Rob noticed I wasn't putting as many pills in my daily pill box, I started getting tremendous pushback. He did not approve. At all. "Why do you want to lower your medication? You tried to lower it once before and it didn't go well. You were told you'd probably be on it for the rest of your life. This is a big mistake." etc, etc.

Never mind that I consulted my doctor and I'm following his advice. Never mind that I'm not experiencing any ill effects so far from the lower dose.

After one too many carping comments about it, I finally hit back.

"I am following my doctor's advice. I have made my decision and I want you to respect that. But more than that, I have the right to imagine my life as good and to live it without depression."

That shut him up. We'll see if that will end the subject.

I certainly hope so.

The light fixture over our dining room has been giving us trouble for months. We'd flip the switch and the lights would flash on and then off. We replaced the bulbs, and even brand new bulbs would do this. If we flipped the switch several times, eventually they'd come on and stay on.

The light fixture has five bulbs in it. Over the past few months, the number of bulbs that would come on even after repeated flicking of the switch dropped from four to three to two. Finally, last week, there were mornings when it refused to turn on entirely.

It's December. In Minnesota. I cannot read my newspaper in the dark. Enough was enough.

We know the wiring in our house is very old and problematic, but we've never had enough money to deal with it. We still don't have the money to deal with it, but this was ridiculous. So I called around to the neighbors to ask for a reference for an electrician, and one of them suggested that I call our neighbor across the alley. "He just had a bunch of remodeling done."

When I called John, he offered instead to stop by at my house to look at the fixture himself. He had a tool that would check for wiring problems. This was surprising, but highly gratifying, and of course I said yes. When he stopped by tonight and used his handy gizmo, he quickly determined that yes, power was getting to the switch, and going through the wires coming from the ceiling. He squinted up at the light and said diffidently, "Do you by any chance have any incandescent light bulbs?"

I blinked, surprised. We had been using compact fluorescent lights. I found a couple in the closet, so I took them out, swapped out the bulbs, and voila. Let there be light!

Huzzah. I don't have to pay for an electrician to come to redo the wiring in my dining room. Don't you love it when you're worrying about a big repair bill that instead turns out to be an easy fix?

Thanks, John!

But it's just as good a few days later. This is one of my favorite singers in the world, Peter Mayer, who has ALL SORTS of songs about light in dark places. Here is a bittersweet, lovely song about Jack O'Lanterns. And about seizing the day. A wonderful message, and really worth a listen.

This was sort of impulsive, but...

I just submitted a proposal to the Imagine Better contest presented by the Harry Potter Alliance and Splashlife, suggesting that they award a $1000 grant to A Liter of Light to promote solar bottle lights.

I suggested calling it the Patronus Light Project, as the lights have always reminded me of a patronus. And hey, I like the idea of bringing light to dark places.

The solar lights cost $3.50 to make and install, so if it wins, that'd be 285 lights installed in homes in the Phillipines. Their goal is to install a million lights by 2012.

( What I did today to make the world a better place )

I screwed up a couple days ago and posted an entry publicly that should have been locked to a very few. If you saw it for the few minutes it was up (until someone kindly alerted me to fix it), you know that our family is going through a tough time. A very, very tough time.

We are getting help. Fortunately. Because OMG we need it. Badly. It's a little hard to know what to say, other than this. Sometimes families go through crisises, and they can let other people know so that their friends can rally around with love and prayers and covered casserole dishes. Sometimes, due to individual privacy preferences, things are kept more undercover. Icebergs under the surface, Elinor Dashwood and all that.

We are still getting casseroles, fortunately. But I just wanted to put out this vaguer, more general message, too. We could really use your good thoughts, your prayers and a lit candle or two. Think of us, please, as we go through this.

The girls are back home (yay!), and we're back from Minicon weekend.

Rob has been quite busy all week with this temporary census job. It has prevented him from putting any work in on the room rearrangement project--and since it's to a large extent his stuff that's the bottleneck, I was stymied from doing it myself. But we got started finally on Friday morning. Two bookcases and a dresser have been moved so far, so we're partway there. My computer is still in the room that's going to be Fiona's bedroom, at least until we figure out wiring. Rob may resort to running cables rather than depending on a wireless card. Not sure. We'll see. I hope we'll be able to work on it during the coming week, although I think he has more census work in the way.

The two of us headed to Minicon on Friday afternoon. (Didn't stay at the hotel this time, but drove home in the evenings.) The con is quite small now, just about 400 people now (quite a change from the days when 3000 used to show up). I did no programing this year, and mostly just sat around and talked with people. That was nice.

The girls got back late Saturday afternoon and came straight to the hotel. They had a marvelous time. Delia ran quickly through her pictures on the digital camera, showing me the people and scenes from the past week. They were rather tired, and Fiona's fighting a cold. We didn't stay late Saturday, and we left right after the con was finished today.

I indulged in one thing in the dealer's room, the Heart of Faerie Oracle Deck by Brian and Wendy Froud. It's been my tradition to do a tarot reading on Easter Sunday, when Minicon was over. Laurel Winter did them for me for years, but since she's stopped coming to Minicon, I've started doing them myself. I had thought it was a tarot deck, but it turns out it was a different animal, an oracle deck. It's truly a lovely thing. I took it home and studied it and tried to do a reading, asking What do I need to know about turning fifty. I was quite impressed. I have two other decks, but I have a truly powerful affinity for this one, and I think it will become quite a favorite. The backs of the cards look like this:

How perfect, with their hearts (heart of flesh/heart of stone, natch), and the roots, which make me think of trees (esp. the Holy Tree) and the spark at the middle (Light in Dark Places). The wings don't make me think of swans so much as ravens, but that's okay, too. (You can see other cards from this deck pictured in the slideshow at the bottom of this review.)

So: the girls are safe and well and home, the con was subdued, but quite pleasant, and I have a beautiful new deck. Life is good.

It's just in the last couple years that I've become aware of the term "Imbolc," one of the four principal festivals of the Celtic calendar, and one of the eight sabbats of the Wheel of the Year. (First learned of the term through my lovely We'Moon desk calendar.) Most often celebrated around February 1, it's associated with the goddess Brigid, and in the Christian period with St Brigid - Imbolc being also known as St. Brigid's Day. The Day is also associated with the Christian feast of Candlemas (2 February), marking the end of the season of Epiphany.

It's the point midway between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox, which makes it a logical point for Groundhog's day. I've found myself particularly noticing the light, and giving thanks that it's increasing in the evenings. Last night after I got home from work, I got out the shovel and tackled the driveway. As I was finishing up, I glanced up at the sky. The sun had set, but a beautiful salmon color still lingered in the sky for quite a while. The sun was down, but the quality of light seemed special to this time of year.

To celebrate Imbolc I'll link again to a song of Luka Bloom's that I posted last year (thanks again to

moony for introducing me to his music) that he created specially for Brigid's Day. See what he says about the song here. I make this entry in honor of light in dark places. Heaven knows I have need of it.

Current Music: Don't Be Afraid of the Light That Shines Within You - Luka Bloom

I went to the drum jam. I drummed (thanks to

minnehaha for the loan of the drum. I danced.

I hope you are all pleased that I help drive the dark away.

is "Come, Be Our Light." All the hymns yesterday included the light in the darkness theme. The alter looked beautiful, with bare branches decorated with small white lights.

Awesome.

They also put a big beautiful collage of photographs in the Narthex, shaped sort of like a light burst, showing different aspects of the mission of the church. I ended up talking during the fellowship hour with the woman who came up with the idea about soulcollaging.

I definitely go to the right church.

I honestly don't know what to think of this one. The concept of this card is so important to me. Part of me thinks it's fabulous and part of me wants to scrap it and start all over again. I think my uncertainty stems partly from the fact that I'm up way past my bedtime and I'm COUGHING MY GUTS OUT ARGH RAWR STABBITY STABBITY STAB. It's been over two weeks since I first caught the H1N1, and it feels like this damn cough has moved in for the winter (no, it's not a productive cough so I don't think it's a bacterial infection/pneumonia. It's just that the coughing mechanism is stuck in the permanently 'on' position.)

Anyway, the card:

Light in Dark Places - Council Suit
I am the One who lights your way when all other lights go out.

What do you think? Edited to add: I changed the color balance on and enlarged the central image; I think it looks better now! Thanks for your suggestions.

(From the top center, going clockwise: St. Lucia Day in Sweden, a firewalker I photographed at the Minneapolis winter solstice celebration, menorahs, Christmas Eve candlelight service, random lady with lamp, the winter illumination on Winter solstice day in Newgrange, Ireland. The central image is Galadriel handing Frodo her phial which she has described to be "the light of Earendil's star, set amid the waters of my fountain." (Earendil's ship shining with the light of one of the Simarils is the tiny image between Frodo's hand and the firewalker.)

A large, good-quality version of the picture that this icon was taken from, of Galadriel handing the phial to Frodo? I want to make a Light in Dark Places Soulcollage card, and I'll be damned if I can find that picture anywhere.

Surely there's a LOTR fan somewhere on my friends list who can help?

The last time I went on a retreat, I asked people to send me trees, and I got many marvelous responses. Thank you.

I'm going on retreat again because as you know things have been hard lately, and so I've been struggling. This time, I'll simply ask for this: I'd just appreciate an encouraging note. Or an affirmation. Or a good wish. Or a prayer. Or simply something just to think about in the days to come. Tell me what you think I'm doing right, tell me I'll get through this (me and my family, both). Tell my why you like reading this LiveJournal.

Tell me anything you think will give me light in dark places. Lurkers, I'd really appreciate hearing from you, too.

Thanks.

Love,
Peg

Current Music: I Am Going to Make It Through This Year if it Kills Me - The Mountain Goats

Happy birthday,

moony! I have

moony to thank for introducing me to Luka Bloom. I've been playing this song today, which is all light in dark places, and perfect for this time of year. Read what he has to say about the song here, which includes this:

Since 1993, at the start of every February, I have watched large groups of men and women gather in my home county of Kildare. They come to welcome the beginning of spring. They come to Kildare because it is the home of Brigid, whose feast day is February 1st. Brigid is the goddess of love, poetry, justice in prechristian Ireland, and she is the patron saint of Kildare.

People also come to Kildare at this time, to speak about justice in the world, or lack of it.

There is reflection, talk, music and dance. It is not a big trendy festival, but a gathering of people who want to celebrate the coming of spring, and who want to call Brigids’ qualities into the world, to light a spark for change.

And every year we gather to welcome the light into our world; and to hope that more light will shine in the world; and that someday out of the darkness of war, hunger, greed, poverty, will come the light of community, sharing, justice, music, dance, peace and love.

I wanted to write a simple song to share with everyone in Kildare,and to honour this noble celebration. ...
Even at the point of recording the song in April 2008, I could never have foreseen the hurt that people are feeling around the world in a few short months.

At the end of 2008, everywhere is fear, insecurity, corruption, unemployment...
And yet, I feel this is the most exciting moment imaginable to be alive.

There is such a window opening in the world for goodness, for community, for sharing, for simplicity, for kindness.

And this song is a call to people, to reach inside and be aware of the power in each one of us to do good, for ourselves, for our families,for our friends, for our villages and towns, and ultimately, for our earth.

In these dark times, many people feel powerless, unimportant, un-needed, marginalised.

This song came from the power of a group of people who want to shine a bright light for the earth and for humanity. ... I know that many people need to hear and feelwhat is contained in this song, right now. I know that songs of themselves don’t change the world.

But songs can also be prayers, blessings, and they can be a spark to ignite something beautiful in anybody.. This song is my prayer for the world, and I send it out at the start of this exciting and dangerous year, with love and hope in my heart, for our shared future.

Peg Kerr's Journal

The Holy Tree Grows Within the Heart

52 Card Project 2022: Week 51: Solstice

52 Card Project 2022: Week 17: Blogging

52 Card Project 2022: Week 5: Imbolc

52 Card Project 2021: Week 8: Thaw

Entering the dark days

52 Week Collage: Weeks 17, 18 and 19

Advice from Henry James

The end of depression

I love it when things work out like this

I can't believe I forgot to post this for Halloween!

Proposal entered for the Splashlife/Harry Potter Alliance Imagine Better contest

Difficult time

End of Minicon weekend

Imbolc

Solstice

My church's Advent theme this year

Light in Dark Places - Council Suit

Can anyone point me to . . .

Since I'm leaving on retreat...

Don't Be Afraid of the Light that Shines Within You

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June 2025

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