Peg Kerr's Journal

This is embarrassing to admit:

I broke a toe this week.

I've never broken a bone before, but I managed to snap this one (second toe on the left foot) bringing laundry up from the basement. I couldn't see the steps because of the laundry basket I was carrying, and I didn't raise my foot up quite enough and...ouch!

I'm embarrassed about this because it is yet another data point in my ongoing campaign to apparently prove to everyone that I cannot walk like a normal person. I've had, what, four or five falls in the past several years. I didn't talk about the last one (again, embarrassed) but I managed to clobber myself when I was out buying a pride flag. Stumbled over a speed bump in a crumbling, decrepit parking lot and landed on my shoulder and forehead. The shoulder took the brunt of it so I didn't get another concussion, but still, ow.

I've been thinking about my trouble walking. Is this a normal part of aging, or am I just clumsy, or is there something going on with my walk that needs to be addressed? I didn't bother to go to the emergency room because of the toe (a clean break, and I know that they can't do much more than tape it, which I've done), but I'll be talking with my doctor today--should I perhaps see a physical therapist to get my gait evaluated? What on earth is going on?

Walking on a broken toe reminds me of something I learned many years ago when I had foot surgery: you use your toes a LOT to walk. And thinking of walking, of being rooted, of being grounded, reminded me of a poem I wrote back in 2008 when I found an acorn wedged in a hole in my shoe:



I wrote:

the holy tree grows hidden within the heart
the seed lies nestled in secret within the shoe
a reminder of the earth beneath me
the yogi says, while doing Tree Pose,
find your balance
and if at first you start to sway, don't give up
trees sway
get more grounded
I turn my shabby sandal over in my hand
place it on the floor
and slip it over my foot
my walking root
I stride away, swaying,
tree in my heart
toes spread wide
seed in my shoe kissing the earth with every step

All these thoughts came together to make this card. I did not use the most unpleasant picture of the foot I have (behind the tape, the toe is grossly technicolor) to spare your sensibilities.

Image description: Background: a large tree in the forest with exposed roots (pointillism filter over the photo). Hovering over the roots, center, is an injured foot with tape over the first and second toe and a bruised surface. Superimposed over the foot is a germinating seed. Above the foot, top center, is the sole of a black sandal. An acorn is wedged in a hole of the sole.

Grounded



Click here to see the 2023 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 52 Card Project gallery.

This card grew out of several different threads of thought this week.

One: I'm continuing to do yoga every day and have been thinking about the instructor's continual reminders that of course, you should do your best, but at the same time be satisfied with where you are/what your body can do at this particular moment (which can vary from day to day).

It reminds me of the thinking I've done over the years about the Holy Tree described in Yeat's poem The Two Trees: There is a beautiful and blessed Tree in each of us, a manifestation of the divine within, if you will, and the temptation is to see it as a barren and twisted tree--but this is a lie, suggested by the "glass" (i.e., mirror) "the demons hold." I've written about this before (in fact, this blog is named after this poem): You have to have faith that the Holy Tree is within, but it is hard to see/recognize it in oneself (I have come to recognize the "glass [the demons hold]" as depression--distorted, overly critical thinking about oneself).

Two: I'm continuing to do various actions to improve things: I've started doing hamstring stretches each morning before getting out of bed. Continuing to diligently practice Sleep Boot Camp to try to address my insomnia. Trying to eat Whole Food Plant-Based. Working to stay within my budget. Fixing up my house (a new bathroom faucet went in this week). Taking walks. Using my lightbox.

Possibly because I've been practicing yoga, I'm been paying more attention to what's going on within me--mindfulness. I can hear the inner sotto voce voice running continually in commentary inside my mind. It can be helpful, as it is an extension of my superego trying to help me live my very best life: Add some more vegetables to that stir fry! Don't forget to do your hamstring stretches! Maybe it would be a good idea to read this book right now--learn something new! But that voice can easily tip over into angry critical noise, as the light fades in the autumn and especially whenever I'm tired or bothered with grief: You didn't balance your budget like you told yourself you would do. When are you going to buckle down and do it? Careless! Lazy! Ugh, are you really eating that? Quit wasting your time reading fanfiction! You should be writing! Why haven't you picked up your hand weights? When are you going to wash the kitchen floor? What a slob you are!

Three: I re-took the IDI assessment (Intercultural Development Inventory) which I last took in 2017. It measures where you are on a continuum of intercultural competency.



I was disappointed in my score again, as I was back then. I had progressed further along the continuum, however. In addition, the assessment evaluates where you think you are versus where you actually are--and the disparity had lessened somewhat, which indicates I'm perceiving myself and my inner work to become less racist more realistically.

So: all week I've been thinking about all the things about myself (and things around myself over which I have control, i.e., the house, the budget, etc.) where I am trying to improve things. It took me quite a while to hit upon the one word that summed up this week's theme. "Self-improvement" was my first thought, but that wasn't quite right. The term 'self-improvement,' as one of my friends in today's coffee group remarked, has been rather ruined by the self-improvement industry. It can smack of a somewhat smug self-absorption, of a tendency toward perfectionism. And what I was trying to pin down is not just about me, but about things around me (like the house, for example).

After messing around with a thesaurus for while, I finally hit upon the word "betterment."

I do not think perfectionism is at all helpful. From my own experience, I know that trying to become perfect is a hopeless business and a setup for depression and anxiety. No, I do not want to be perfect.

But I want to be better. Maybe my hamstrings will be a little more flexible today. Maybe I will manage to squirrel away a bit more money. Maybe I will eat more vegetables than I did yesterday. Perhaps I will be more patient, kinder, less insufferable, a better parent and friend.

It is a sort of mental trick I am trying to master, holding two possibly mutually exclusive precepts in the mind simultaneously: I want to be better, and yet, I don't want to live a life where I am continually unhappy with where I am. I try to remember that the Holy Tree is always within, whether I see it or not. That's what the guidance from the yoga instructor I have been watching on YouTube is all about: strive for improvement, yes, but accept and honor where you are at each particular moment. "You already have within you," the instructor tells her students, "everything that you need."

The background of this card is the pattern of my yoga mat, which I picked because it reminds me of the Holy Tree. Over that I laid what at my office we call the Wellness Wheel: we talk about how our lives are made up of all these different aspects (financial, work, spiritual, mental, creative, etc.) and they are all part of the whole.

As I was mulling over this theme for the week, the line from Hamilton soundtrack jumped out at me in my memory: "I've never been satisfied." So I put in the logo from Hamilton, with his outstretched, reaching hand (always reaching, always striving) pointing to the center of the Wellness Wheel ("Your Life"). Over the star of the Hamilton logo, I pulled the world icon from the IDI logo. That world icon echoes the Wellness Wheel in shape.

I could have stuck more elements into it, reflecting all of the aspects in myself I'm trying to improve, but instead, I decided to go for more simplicity. I ended up rather pleased with this one, aesthetically.

Betterment



Click here to read about the 52 card project and see the year's gallery.

Many thanks to minnehaha K. for the link:

The Tree of Contemplative Practices.

The Holy Tree - Council Suit
I Am the One who grows beautiful and strong, deeply rooted in the human heart. My branches shine with flowers, fruit and birds. Do not look in the bitter glass which shows only a barren reflection.



The Barren Tree - Council Suit
I Am the One who is barren and twisted, my branches full of calling ravens. I can fill your gaze entirely, yet I may be only a mere reflection from the Bitter Glass of the true Holy Tree within the heart.

Inspired by my recent visitor, I gathered specific images and sat down and made this card tonight (alas, not very well scanned, sorry).



The Bunny (Fourth Chakra) - Companion Suit
I am the One Who is creative, intuitive, and loving. I live by my wits but can sometimes freeze in fear.

As I've mentioned, 'bunny' has been the endearment that we've used in our family since the girls were born. The fourth chakra is the realm of the heart, of love, so it seems perfectly appropriate. I was so pleased when I found the heart fractal tree (and note the link to the Holy Tree that grows within the heart - see Delia's artwork to compare).

This site has some interesting and pointed things to say about rabbits and their totemic meaning. I've spoken about how I've been having increasing trouble with anxiety, and given how I've struggled to deal with Rob's cancer, this sentence really stood out: "Rabbit people may be afraid of tragedy, illness, and disaster, thereby calling those very fears to them to teach them lessons."

Interestingly enough, the same site mentions the linkage in some cultures of rabbits to the moon. There was a moon in the artwork of the background (the heart fractal tree). You can see its reflection on the ground on the lower right. However, I covered the moon with the chakra symbol.

I think the bunny/rabbit is perfect for my fourth chakra. The only wonder is why it took so long for me to figure it out; it seems obvious to me now.

Fiona, my math major, linked to this on Tumblr. I have been thinking about trees this week.

So I decided to share it with you.

Wow.



Read about how this Bag End bonsai was created (and see more pictures) here.

Delia is thinking in terms of colleges now. She knows that she wants to apply to schools where she can study an arts emphasis, and that means starting to build an artist's portfolio. I had a scathingly brilliant idea: I told her I would commission an art piece for her to display in my office cubicle. I wanted something that would display her skills as an artist and something that would make me happy when I look at it.

So I decided to commission a picture of The Holy Tree, the concept that has been so important to me from Yeat's poem The Two Trees. She started talking about initial concept with me last night, and had a cool idea for three little mini pen and ink drawings to the side and then the main piece would be larger. I'm excited to see what she comes up with. I will pay her when it is completed, so it is a real artist commision. And she'll have something to add to her portfolio!

This is one of the ideas I suggested as an influence: Tolkien's conception of the Two Trees of Creation:

Telperion and Laurelin, the Trees of Valinor

My holy tree will have both flowers and fruit, and I told her I particularly like the trumpet-shaped flowers on the golden tree here.

I saw mrissa wearing this necklace at Minicon. I liked it so much, I asked where she got it, and she kindly obliged. So I picked it up for myself this afternoon.





Happy birthday to morganmalfoy and _lindsay_!

There has been a jump in donations. Thank you, I'm very grateful! We still have quite a ways to go, though.

MyCharityWater Campaign Report:

$5,000 CAMPAIGN GOAL
$766 RAISED SO FAR
38 people served
22 donations
74 days left

I'd buy this:

Tree of Life Jacket

( Detail )