Peg Kerr's Journal

When you set out to make major upheavals in your life, it takes some serious self-examination if you want to do a good job of it: remembering, pondering, cataloging, prioritizing, and daydreaming about alternatives.

That is what I have been doing this week. It has been very uphill work, but I hope it will pay off. I also hope that Elinor Dashwood will be able to explain more soon!

I tried two or three various approaches to this collage, so it took a bit longer to make than usual. I looked at various images for mirrors, and I experimented with skewing the first image I found but wasn't satisfied with the result. I had to hunt a bit to find a nice-looking mirror held at the correct angle. And then the picture of me holding up a mirror and looking into it just seemed too simple to be satisfactory or complete, and I decided to add the lotus for enlightenment and an owl for wisdom. When I came across this particular owl, I was immediately struck by the idea that it looked as though it could be peering in the mirror, too, which I thought added a slightly humorous touch.

This one I'm pretty pleased with.

Image description: Background: water droplets trail down window glass. A woman (Peg) looks into a hand mirror. An owl behind Peg's shoulder also peers into the mirror, its head cocked in apparent curiosity. Foreground: a pink and white lotus in full-bloom is superimposed over Peg.

Self-Examination



Click here to see the 2023 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 52 Card Project gallery.

I'm going to be a little bit cryptic about this one, because it involves something I'm not quite ready to talk about yet (note the Elinor Dashwood tag, which I use when I want to be reserved about something). But this collage is about a conversation I had this week with someone I really trust to give me solid life advice. What this trusted person told me is that it is time for me to make a specific life change. A big one. Huge. It will mean a lot of life upheaval. And while what she was advising to do is something that has crossed my mind for several years (since the pandemic started), I think that she made her case so well that I am seriously reassessing things. I think I am going to do it.

If I can.

The first card in the tarot deck is the Fool. The zero card. The Fool is usually depicted as a beggar or a vagabond, wearing ragged clothes & stockings. He is gazing upwards toward the sky (and the Universe) and is seemingly unaware that he is about to skip off a precipice into the unknown. Over his shoulder rests a modest knapsack containing everything he needs – which isn’t much (let’s say he’s a minimalist). The white rose in his left hand represents his purity and innocence. And at his feet is a small white dog, representing loyalty and protection, that encourages him to charge forward and learn the lessons he came to learn. The Fool represents new beginnings, having faith in the future, being inexperienced, not knowing what to expect, having beginner's luck, improvisation, and believing in the universe.

This is the Fool as depicted in the Rider–Waite deck:



I've sometimes told people that I'm a Gryffindor, but one with high-security needs. What I am thinking of doing, what I am actually going to start trying to do will definitely take courage. But--if I am lucky, if my faith in the future is justified--it might address some of those needs that have been unmet for so long.

The background of this collage is a card that my kind mentor gave me when we ended our session. Although you can't see it, I posed for the picture on my back stoop (where I fell and got my concussion last year). The stick on which I hung my sack is my karate bo. I used a picture of my daughter Delia's dog Violet for the dog at my heels.

(See this earlier post I made about The Fool).

Image description: Against a background of words of life advice, Peg stands in the pose of the Tarot Fool: looking at the sky, holding a stick with a sack of possessions in one hand and a stem of flowers in the other (didn’t have a white rose and so used a bunch of silk peonies). A dog capers at her feet.

Reassessment



Click here to see the 2023 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 52 Card Project gallery.

I got an email from LiveJournal noting that April 27, 2022 is the 20th anniversary of my setting up my LiveJournal.

So I've been thinking about this, and about what starting to blog on LiveJournal and later Dreamwidth opened up in my life.

As I had noted in my very first entry, I had kept a daily personal journal for 25 years at the time I started my LiveJournal. So I was very familiar with the process of writing about my life.

What was different and what proved to be almost seductive was that for the first time in 25 years, I got reactions to what I was writing.

I wrote about my family, about parenting, about my fandom obsessions, about writing, about my struggle to cook for my family. I wrote about politics. I wrote about all our family rituals (May Day, 12th Night, etc.). I wrote about my karate journey, from white belt to black belt. I wrote about depression. I wrote about whatever I was thinking about. Eventually, I wrote about Rob's illness and death.

Twenty years ago was a more innocent age, and I would probably make different decisions about how frankly I spoke about things if I had known then what I know now when starting to write. But for the most point, opening my life in this way has been a blessing, and I have made so many remarkable friendships. Online friendships ARE real ones.

The background of the collage includes text from my very first entry, and the color green is the green I used in all the icons I created. Otherwise, it shows various things that have cropped up in my journal over the years. I certainly didn't have room to include them all. I think I may create a separate Soulcollage card for "Blogger." Edited to add: And I have done so, here.

Blogging



Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 gallery.

Week 20: Twelfth
Once again, we gather around the table to celebrate the end of Christmas.



Yes, yes, this card should be named 'Twelfth Night' But I am limiting my card titles to one word. Not quite satisfactory, but I couldn't find a one word that would substitute (unlike finding "Hogmanay" as a substitution for "New Year's Eve.")
Again, this card was an experiment with different media. The table cloth and napkins are tissue paper, the forks are cut from aluminum foil. And the plates are from the foil wrapped around the Hershey's Kisses we had inside the miniature stockings.
We did indeed manage to gather around the table this year, although it was a Twelfth Night dinner this time rather than breakfast. That's just the way the schedules worked out.

Week 21: Severus
He was the bravest man I ever knew.



This was the week that Alan Rickman died, and I made this card in honor of him and in honor of one of my favorite of his performances. Once I started thinking about Severus, I started making connections between his situation and mine (and not all of them are flattering, to say the least). This gets into personal stuff, so Elinor Dashwood will leave it there for now.
It was the last day of the previous week, January 9, that was Severus Snape's birthday. Rowling deliberately chose that day because it was the feast for the Roman God Janus, the two-headed god who guarded doorways, looking both into the past and into the future. An extremely appropriate choice for the ambiguous Severus Snape's birthday, and an appropriate thing for me to ponder, as I think about my career--where it has been as well as where it is going.

Week 22: iPod
I lost my iPod in the snow and felt helpless without it.



At least by process of elimination, that's where I figured it wound up. I never got it back. I held out a week, gritting my teeth, and then I bought a replacement. Screw the fact that I am unemployed. I need one to organize my life.

Annoyingly, I found out when I upgraded to the next model, that I can't synch it on my iMac. The software on my desktop Apple is too old. Planned obsolescence is pretty damned annoying.

Week 23: Three
There are three things I do to help myself.



This was a tough week. Again, Elinor Dashwood will not provide many details. The three stones represent three stepping stones, the sort to keep you above the water you would drown in otherwise (I tried and tried to find an image of three stepping stones, but for a variety of reasons, what I found just didn't work. So I used an image of stacked stones). The stones represent three things I do throughout the week for self-care. The stones are carried by a manatee, and if you haven't found the site Calming Manatee, really, what are you waiting for?

I know what the next card is (Card 24) and I worked on it today, but I had tremendous trouble with figuring out the right fixative to use. I had an image with words superimposed over it. I printed the words on waxed paper, but every fixative I used just smeared or blurred the words. I have an idea for how to fix the problem, but it involves a trip to the store. So I started working on the next card (Card 25), and finished it, too. I worked on the cards OUT OF ORDER! I felt SO GUILTY! And I will not scan and show this past week's card until I finish the card for the week before.

This means we are almost halfway through the year! (It also means it's been half a year since I've had a job--groan). minnehaha K. impishly suggested that we could swap decks and I would do the rest of hers and she would do the rest of mine. I firmly vetoed this idea. But then she made the clever suggestion that we would each do the jokers of the other person's deck, one at Week 26 and one at the end. Which I think is a really cool idea.

Peg's to do list for the next several weeks before (and possibly after) Rob is out of the hospital:

•Finalize the kitchen repairs bid and pick paint colors Edited to add: The numbers are still a little squishy and may simply depend on what they are able to accomplish before Rob comes home.
•Contact bathroom contractor about coming back to do the tile work in the kitchen
•Speak with kitchen contractor about turning utility closet in the kitchen into a pantry. Spoken with him. This still needs to be done. Edited to add 11/24/14: The contractor is going to be doing this today.
•Buy new blinds for the kitchen.
•Determine what furniture to add to the kitchen (drop leaf table? Possible new center island?) and what, if any, should be taken out (coat box? Microwave cart?) If I decide on new pieces, try to find them for a reasonable price. Edited to add: Have ordered microwave cart--already received, which I need to assemble--and kitchen island. Coat box has been moved to the garage, and I have an interested buyer; just need to decide upon and let her know the price.
•Call Open Arms of Minnesota to notify them I need to cut my delivery in half since Rob is hospitalized.
•Get Rob checked into the hospital.
•Vote
•Go to work. Pay ALL the bills. Including the ones that Rob usually pays.Edited to add: Ongoing.
•Move stuff wherever possible so that the kitchen repairs can be completed. (Into the den? From one end of the kitchen to the other? Um...)Edited to add: OMG, so much moving around and shuffling of boxes. It feels like it is neverending, but my sister and mom came over and achieved superhuman work, shifting stuff around and paring and organizing. My guest room is now nearly finished. We can actually walk through the dining room now.
•Cull stuff from kitchen cabinets Edited to add: Ongoing.
•Contact the carpet installer and have him put the new carpet into the den.
•Contact the carpet installer again to let him know he left a carpet sample behind and leave it for him on the porch for him to pick up Edited to add: I've contacted him several times. He still hasn't picked it up.
•Contact bathroom contractor and ask him to remove trash receptacle from my garage. It is preventing me from parking my car inside the garage. Edited to add: I have attempted to contact him several times. Maddeningly, he still hasn't picked it up so my car is still outside. Continually being covered with frost and snow.
•Move Rob's car for street cleaning of autumn leaves
•Move Rob's car to Fiona's apartment building garage Edited to add: This has been delayed because we had to get the fob back from one of her roommates' mother. I desperately hope I can get this accomplished before Rob gets home from the hospital. But it takes coordinating schedules with me, Fiona, and someone who can drive me back after I drop the car off. Have been too busy to arrange. Edited to add 11/24/14: Done! And I forgot the handicapped tag from the glove compartment. Fiona has the fob but doesn't have Rob's car key. She is going to get the key from Rob on her next visit, get the handicapped tag, and return the key and tag to him.
•Pay the contractors when jobs are done. Update the spreadsheet and keep track of the receipts. (Ongoing)
•Set date and send out invitations for Garage Tetris work party.
•Pick up pallets from Best Buy for the garage reorganization Thanks for providing transportation, Dave M.
•Reorganize the boxes in the garage so more can be added (work party).
•Take the bookcase out of the garage and use some the contractor's paint to paint it. When it's dry, it'll go into the dining room and be restocked with books. Edited to add: Had hoped the kitchen contractor could do this, but he may not have time before Rob gets back. Now it looks as though we will use some of the paint left over from the kitchen and do this ourselves. Edited to add 11/24/14: Bookcase is now in the kitchen. Contractor has agreed to do this and hopefully will complete the project today or tomorrow
•Delegate some people to take certain objects out of the garage to possible new homes. Top of barbecue to scrap metal dealer. Old bicycle to nephews for parts? See if anyone can take the task to see if the ebay store in Edina would accept Rob's law library books to try to sell on eBay. Edited to add Partially done. My nephew is now doing a blog about the process of stripping down and rebuilding Rob's old bicycle.
•Take boxes in Fiona's old bed room and move some to garage, and the rest to the den.
•Turn Fiona's old bedroom into guest room. Rearrange the furniture, including the new futon. Rearrange the closet in there, and put sheets and towels in the dresser, clean out old medications, and set it up to be a medications/first aid only cabinet. Buy lamp for corner table. Hang artwork. Edited to add: Fiona still needs to go through some things. I still need to file some things. One piece of artwork is hung, another needs to be put up. But it looks much, much better.
•Text girls regarding various objects: keep or discard? Are they willing to take them? Ongoing
•Visit Rob in the hospital (ongoing). Take him his mail, bring home his dirty laundry. (Dirty laundry which must be washed SEPARATELY due to nasty chemotherapy drugs). Bring clean laundry back.
•Return Rob's books to the library. Pick up the book he had placed on reserve and deliver it to him.
•Buy a love seat for the den (We've picked one at Ikea. And no, I am not going to drive to pick it up or assemble it myself. I will PAY to have someone do that).Edited to add: shout out of thanks to my neighbor who has volunteered to pick up and assemble this once we purchase it. Done!
•Buy a single sleeper futon for Fiona's old bed room/eventually my office (several relatives have volunteered to come from out of town for caregiving, and we have no guest room). Fiona asked me to have her come along since she had plenty of painful experience with Bad Futons and can hopefully help me avoid them. Edited to add: As mentioned above, futon now has been picked up and is in place.
•Finish research and buy an air purifier. Edited to add Mom bought two hospital grade HEPA air purifiers for me, and I've been running them. My asthma is already better. Thanks, Mom!
•Buy a medical alert bracelet for Rob.
•Contact my nephews and arrange time to put furniture back in the den. Edited to add: This was done by the Garage Tetris Party work crew
•Put up the floor-to-ceiling bookcase in the den and replace all the books. Edited to add: Okay, some of the books. What do I do with the rest?
•Put up new cases for media Edited to add: Garage Tetris party did this.
•Do my best to set up Rob's electronics in the den Edited to add: My nephew David got a start on this.
•Move the large screen TV into the den, which is where it has belonged all along.
•Contact someone to do duct cleaning Edited to add: I contacted a company to arrange this. I had naomikritzer come over and help me disassemble an entire bookcase because it was standing on a cold air return. The bookcase and sixteen boxes of books were put out on the front porch. But when the duct cleaners arrived today, they said they couldn't clean our ducts because we have an old octopus-style furnace, and forcing air through the duct system would simply blow asbestos into the air. Not what we want, particularly with someone immune impaired. They suggested I cover the outflow vents with cheesecloth. And buy a new furnace. That latter bit of advice, especially, was not very helpful. And it was maddening that we had taken down that bookcase (and put it back up) for nothing. But look at it this way: I saved $400.
•Buy cheesecloth. Cover the vents. (maybe we won't need to do this until we reach the stem cell transplant stage.)
•Steam clean the carpets upstairs My sister Betsy did this; thank you, thank you.
•Dust everything everywhere (ongoing) Edited to add 11/24/14: Much dusting was done this past weekend.
•Put the garden to bed Edited to add: Alas, a premature snow storm may have rendered this moot.
•Figure out where family thanksgiving will be held (not my house, obviously).
•Figure out whether Rob can attend (probably won't know until that week). The doctors say he can.
•Figure out how I am going to get the items I received from Open Arms of Minnesota for Thanksgiving (frozen turkey, pie, other Thanksgiving fixings) to my sister-in-law who is going to be cooking the Thanksgiving dinner. Done! Ingredients handed off.
•Figure out how to get Delia home from the University for Thanksgiving if I can't leave Rob alone. Perhaps she can grab a ride from someone, or perhaps she will stay there and have Thanksgiving with her uncle and aunt? Some other arrangement have been made, and Elinor Dashwood is not talking about it.
•Set up 24/7 caregiving schedule for Rob (through Christmas)? Edited to add: Uh, I know who the caregiver is for the first week.
•Christmas shopping. Probably entirely on line.
•Buy a new electric blanket (ours is old and grotty and therefore unsafe for the immune-suppressed) and new sheets (we have only one set, and they have to be cleaned/changed frequently when he comes home).
•Buy pillow protectors for our bed and a mattress cover for when guests use the futon. Done!
•Buy a throw rug for the entrance to Rob's den/mancave. Done!
•Arrange to have new smoke detectors installed Done!
•Arrange to have new doorbell installed Done!
•Arrange to get the light over our bed fixed--pull chain got pulled out of the overhead fan. Done!
•Pick up chain extender for pull chain for the light. Done!
•Pick up Rob's glasses for repair because the nose piece snapped off and get them back to him. My sister Betsy picked them up and got them repaired and handed them off to me, and I got them back to Rob tonight.
•Clean EVERYTHING in the kitchen once doors are rehung. Counters, floor, appliances, inside cabinets. Edited to add 11/24/14: The contractors are back today doing touch ups, so more cleaning may be required.
•Buy a new flatware chest for the good flatware kept in one of my kitchen drawers, since my old one is falling apart and the part that holds the knives is flopping over the other pieces. (Stopped at Bed Bath & Beyond yesterday, but discovered the piece I wanted was online only. Will do further research).
•Lay down new shelf paper and repack the cabinets, pulling the kitchen back together. Done! At least as much as can be done until the pantry is finished and the kitchen island is assembled.
•Pick which items will go in the new microwave cart once it's assembled, pack it, and put it in place. Get rid of old cart. Done!
•Arrange with Betsy and GregLuke and Julius to pick up the kitchen island from my workplace once it's delivered there (they are going to take it to their home here to assemble and then deliver it to mine). Put it into place and fill the cabinets.
•Buy stools for the drop leaf table at the kitchen cabinet.
•Send out holiday cards and letter (already purchased).
•Speak with visitation pastor at church about coming to give me communion. I won't be able to go to church until Rob can be left alone--I'm not planning to arrange caregivers for the weekend Edited to add: I've spoken with him, but we haven't set a time yet.

It would be nice, but I'm not sure I'll get to it:
•Contracting for electrical repairs
•Contract to get an iron hand rail installed for the steps up to our house Done! And installed.
•Buying new towels and rugs for our newly refinished bathroom
•Thank you notes Edited to add: I've managed to write a few. Otherwise I'm relying on heartfelt, short emails.
•Keep up with Alternity

My family has utterly reached--nay, surpassed--its reasonable yearly quota of unpleasant surprises. Future ones arriving to rip up our peace before the end of 2014 will be returned to sender immediately. Postage due.

Perhaps I'll say more later on, but we are first going to exert every possible effort to undo today's little bombshell. That is all for now.

Wish us luck.

Maybe it's giving up a writing career and then giving up karate and not knowing what, exactly, will replace it.

Maybe it's that, after thirty plus years of daily faithfulness, I no longer write in my paper journal.

Maybe it's the unseen daily struggle, the stuff that Elinor Dashwood does not think seemly to hash in this online journal. It takes up what feels like maybe seventy, eighty percent of my brain space, and yet so much of it I do not feel at liberty to disclose (it involves other people's stories rather than my own, and why would I want to vent about such dreary, depressing stuff anyway, and oh, Peg, aren't you just sick of the self-absorption of it all?) And so this journal has been quiet.

I keep thinking of "To Room Nineteen" by Doris Lessing. I'm definitely feeling haunted by it. Don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying that I'm feeling suicidal or anything; I'm definitely not. But the similarity of that protagonist's situation to my own situation niggles at me, like a tiny yet fierce sliver under the skin. The children have grown and are moving into independence, and now...what? She sits in a room, silent, with nothing to say, trying to find her way back to herself.

What happens if she can't?

There have been so few comments on my posts lately. Is it because I'm disappearing, because I truly have nothing left worth saying?

I need a new purpose. I don't know what it is yet. There has to be some point to my life from this point on other than falling into silence.

It would help if I didn't have to deal with all this other crap in my life, that weighs me down, burdens and exhausts me emotionally.

But I suppose wishing for that is pointless.

I'm having terrific troubles with my computer, which has been fritzing out and crashing repeatedly (which has been driving me up a wall), and I've been excessively distracted with all the end of the year stuff and Other Stuff Elinor Dashwood Does Not Mention. I'm afraid I have been very spotty about responding and may have missed some things. Leave me a comment here if you need to yell to get my attention for something. I do not usually feel like such a ditz, but somehow I am this week (Exhibit A: my last entry).

I have been thinking about this.

My family has some problems that have just seemed absolutely intractable. Some of these problems I talk about in public. Some of them Elinor Dashwood talking about in smaller locked groups on this blog on Livejournal and Dreamwidth. Some I talk about only in person, to just a handful of people.

We are trained to want the happy ending. Let's face it, happy people and winners are culturally preferred. Everyone loves a winner.

People in pain? People who can't get it together? People who can't seem to solve their problems? Not so appealing.

I don't know quite what to do when I can't report the happy ending, both to myself, to my family and friends, and to readers of this journal.

I'm ashamed in a way. I am rather scrupulous at self-examination, and this is what I have been thinking about lately.

One of my soul collage cards is a Committee card (i.e., an aspect of myself) called

I have been wafting around the house today like a restless, irritable ghost.

I went to church today...and walked out again after ten minutes. I went down for the adult forum and saw the stuff on the board about the church's ministry committees, and I sat down and all the stuff Elinor Dashwood has been thinking about lately welled up and I just couldn't bring myself to stay. So I asked Fiona if Mitch would drive her home, and I split. I just don't do that sort of thing.

I went for coffee with naomikritzer. I started three different books and can't get into any of them. I've been pacing around, between my computer nook, and downstairs in the kitchen, where I peer into cupboards and the refrigerator, trying to come up with something for dinner, without any success.

I want to go out for dinner. Frankly, I haven't wanted to cook for over a month. Maybe longer. Weariness with coping with my family's finicky demands, and the paucity of ingredients in our budget-constrained larder have made cooking a loathed chore rather than something relaxing I look forward to doing.

I don't know what to do tonight. This is extremely unusual behavior for me; I'm rarely ever bored, but I'm really not fit for anything tonight. There's no karate, I'm too restless to watch a movie or do much on alternity, I'm sick of reading. I was in the bathtub for over four hours yesterday, and I figure if I did that again today, my skin would fall off in flakes.

I want to shut off my brain grutching at me.