Peg Kerr's Journal

The momentum that I talked about in the collage made three weeks ago continues. I am continuing to check things off on my to-do list (see Week 5), which I find immensely satisfying.

It is, I remembered this week, one of the top five capabilities identified when I took the Strengthsfinders test: Achievement, by which is meant that I have the ability to organize myself and methodically tackle one task after another. (My Enneagram result is Number 2, the Helper, which also fits).

Eric has noticed this characteristic in me. During one of our nightly phone calls this week, he teased me about how, when asked about my day, I have a tendency to roll out a list of achievements, and often say something (rather smug) about how I had 'a virtuous day.'

I did a bit of study about Puritan theology when I was writing The Wild Swans (I have Puritan forebears, so it felt a bit personal). Puritans valorized hard work, the interconnectedness of the community, and yes, some things I don't value quite as highly, such as a suspicion of light-heartedness and a conviction that it was more worthy to do work that you disliked rather than liked.

Well, I don't go quite that far, but Eric's right. I do feel virtuous when I'm getting things done. This week, I did financial bookkeeping and other administrative work, searched for job openings, worked on reinstating weightlifting in my exercise routine, and brushed off my Duolingo account so as to started working on French again. (The weightlifting has been rather heavy going, no pun intended. Although I have tried to start slowly, never using anything higher than five-pound weights, I have been privately amused in noticing this week how many times I have yelped an involuntary "Oh my God," every time I have made the slightest movement and discovered yet another sore muscle.

Image description: A woman in the lower right corner (Peg) looks pleased with herself. A halo shines over her head. Background, center: a calculator, money, a laptop. Superimposed over a corner of the laptop is the word 'Virtue' surrounded by a laurel wreath. Upper part of card: shoulders and torso of a woman in exercise clothing holding a weight in an upright row position. A cartoon owl (Duolingo logo) flies in from the upper left corner. Behind the owl is the French Flag.

Virtue



Click here to see the 2023 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 52 Card Project gallery.

I have been thinking about how one goes about changing one's circumstances and one's life in order to make it better.

I played with several possible themes for this week's card, including "Goals" or "Determination" or "Consistency."

I settled on "Motivation."

I don't want to annoy or trigger anyone. I'm also keenly aware that I have had members of my family who have gone through eating disorder treatment, and so I have spent years culling statements like "I'm so FAAAAATTTTT and I gotta do something about it" from my vocabulary. That is not what this post is about.

But I have been thinking about how I want to get healthier. Certainly my general health and fitness have been a preoccupation between the pandemic, my sleep disorder, and the concussion I had earlier this spring. Moreover, this has honestly been an interest of mine for years. (I did, I remind you, get a black belt in karate at the age of 51). I am interested in aging gracefully, sleeping better, and having years of life to enjoy my beautiful daughters (and perhaps grandchildren someday). I am also keenly aware that this is something Rob didn't get, that he wanted desperately. In a way, I feel like I want to get to do all the things he did not get to do.

Plus, I'll admit it. I'm vain. I'm about to go back to the Renaissance Faire for the first time in three years, and I want to still be able to fit into my Felix Needleworthy bodice instead of being forced to buy another one because I have to size up.

There are other things I want for my life that need motivation besides generally getting more fit and healthy--like picking up (and finishing!) writing another book. Or continuing to clean out the house and determine what the next stage of my life will be. I want it to be a good life.

I've been using a couple of fitness websites to track my fitness and food, and one talks a lot about goal setting and motivation.

It has an app that gets me to set small, doable goals every day. Like: I'm going to exercise 10 minutes today. You try to get a streak going, even if it's only something as simple as logging in to spin the wheel on the site to accumulate points...and then once you've done that, you might read an article about keeping up your motivation or about adding more vegetables to the diet.

I've been at it faithfully and consistently for a month, and I am starting to see results that I like. It is clear to me that what I am learning on this website about setting small goals and showing up consistently can be applied to other areas of my life.

I'm starting to think of myself differently, just as I did when I was taking karate. Back then, I was proud to be able to think of myself as a 51-year-old woman who can do thirty side kicks in a row without losing her balance.

I can't quite do that anymore, and frankly, at this point in my life, I don't really want to do that. But I'm a 62 year old woman who pops "P90X Ab Ripper" into the Blue-Ray player, as I did this morning, and tries her best to go through the routine. And no, my first effort in eight years was pretty pitiful this time, but I will keep working at it until I get better. I'll bet there are a lot of other 62-year-old women to whom it doesn't even occur to try.

I'm a woman who emerged from a fog of grief, living in a seriously disordered house stuffed with junk, and now it's a beautiful home that I'm proud to have other people see.

I'm a woman who had stepped away from writing for twenty years but now has two new chapters of a book manuscript.

I am trying to learn more about the woman I am becoming, and to make my life better all the time. I am learning to use the tools to find the motivation to claim that beautiful and fulfilling life for myself.

Image description: A head and shoulders shot of Peg (left) and Fiona (right) smiling at the camera (circa 2018). Fiona has a wreath of flowers in her hair and they are both dressed in Renaissance Faire garb (chemises and bodices). Upper center are the words "SparkCoach Check-In." Lower center the words "Do Not Give Up" spelled in Scrabble tiles. Behind the scrabble tiles is a wheel with numbers.

Motivation



Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 gallery.

This card grew out of several different threads of thought this week.

One: I'm continuing to do yoga every day and have been thinking about the instructor's continual reminders that of course, you should do your best, but at the same time be satisfied with where you are/what your body can do at this particular moment (which can vary from day to day).

It reminds me of the thinking I've done over the years about the Holy Tree described in Yeat's poem The Two Trees: There is a beautiful and blessed Tree in each of us, a manifestation of the divine within, if you will, and the temptation is to see it as a barren and twisted tree--but this is a lie, suggested by the "glass" (i.e., mirror) "the demons hold." I've written about this before (in fact, this blog is named after this poem): You have to have faith that the Holy Tree is within, but it is hard to see/recognize it in oneself (I have come to recognize the "glass [the demons hold]" as depression--distorted, overly critical thinking about oneself).

Two: I'm continuing to do various actions to improve things: I've started doing hamstring stretches each morning before getting out of bed. Continuing to diligently practice Sleep Boot Camp to try to address my insomnia. Trying to eat Whole Food Plant-Based. Working to stay within my budget. Fixing up my house (a new bathroom faucet went in this week). Taking walks. Using my lightbox.

Possibly because I've been practicing yoga, I'm been paying more attention to what's going on within me--mindfulness. I can hear the inner sotto voce voice running continually in commentary inside my mind. It can be helpful, as it is an extension of my superego trying to help me live my very best life: Add some more vegetables to that stir fry! Don't forget to do your hamstring stretches! Maybe it would be a good idea to read this book right now--learn something new! But that voice can easily tip over into angry critical noise, as the light fades in the autumn and especially whenever I'm tired or bothered with grief: You didn't balance your budget like you told yourself you would do. When are you going to buckle down and do it? Careless! Lazy! Ugh, are you really eating that? Quit wasting your time reading fanfiction! You should be writing! Why haven't you picked up your hand weights? When are you going to wash the kitchen floor? What a slob you are!

Three: I re-took the IDI assessment (Intercultural Development Inventory) which I last took in 2017. It measures where you are on a continuum of intercultural competency.



I was disappointed in my score again, as I was back then. I had progressed further along the continuum, however. In addition, the assessment evaluates where you think you are versus where you actually are--and the disparity had lessened somewhat, which indicates I'm perceiving myself and my inner work to become less racist more realistically.

So: all week I've been thinking about all the things about myself (and things around myself over which I have control, i.e., the house, the budget, etc.) where I am trying to improve things. It took me quite a while to hit upon the one word that summed up this week's theme. "Self-improvement" was my first thought, but that wasn't quite right. The term 'self-improvement,' as one of my friends in today's coffee group remarked, has been rather ruined by the self-improvement industry. It can smack of a somewhat smug self-absorption, of a tendency toward perfectionism. And what I was trying to pin down is not just about me, but about things around me (like the house, for example).

After messing around with a thesaurus for while, I finally hit upon the word "betterment."

I do not think perfectionism is at all helpful. From my own experience, I know that trying to become perfect is a hopeless business and a setup for depression and anxiety. No, I do not want to be perfect.

But I want to be better. Maybe my hamstrings will be a little more flexible today. Maybe I will manage to squirrel away a bit more money. Maybe I will eat more vegetables than I did yesterday. Perhaps I will be more patient, kinder, less insufferable, a better parent and friend.

It is a sort of mental trick I am trying to master, holding two possibly mutually exclusive precepts in the mind simultaneously: I want to be better, and yet, I don't want to live a life where I am continually unhappy with where I am. I try to remember that the Holy Tree is always within, whether I see it or not. That's what the guidance from the yoga instructor I have been watching on YouTube is all about: strive for improvement, yes, but accept and honor where you are at each particular moment. "You already have within you," the instructor tells her students, "everything that you need."

The background of this card is the pattern of my yoga mat, which I picked because it reminds me of the Holy Tree. Over that I laid what at my office we call the Wellness Wheel: we talk about how our lives are made up of all these different aspects (financial, work, spiritual, mental, creative, etc.) and they are all part of the whole.

As I was mulling over this theme for the week, the line from Hamilton soundtrack jumped out at me in my memory: "I've never been satisfied." So I put in the logo from Hamilton, with his outstretched, reaching hand (always reaching, always striving) pointing to the center of the Wellness Wheel ("Your Life"). Over the star of the Hamilton logo, I pulled the world icon from the IDI logo. That world icon echoes the Wellness Wheel in shape.

I could have stuck more elements into it, reflecting all of the aspects in myself I'm trying to improve, but instead, I decided to go for more simplicity. I ended up rather pleased with this one, aesthetically.

Betterment



Click here to read about the 52 card project and see the year's gallery.

I am on one of my periodic pendulum swings where I am trying to get healthier.

I've been unhappy with the status quo for a while. A decade ago, I'd just gotten my black belt, and I was in pretty good shape. But my knees gave out and I had to stop karate. I let the exercise lapse. Then Rob got sick. When he died, I'd spent too much time hanging around hospital rooms and eating for comfort.

Last year, I decided to go whole foods plant-based to try to bring my cholesterol down. I'm not managing it 100%, but I'm eating a heck of a lot more fruits, vegetables, and beans, as well as a lot less fat.

Recently, I've been increasingly fed up with the way I look and the way I feel. I feel old, bloated, inflexible, and...urgh. So, as I have in the past, I am renewing my commitment to following a healthy diet and starting to exercise again, using online videos.

I try to be mindful of thinking beyond "I want to be skinny." I have members of my family who have struggled with eating disorders, and I try really hard not to fall into that trap. I don't want to be fat-phobic. But I want to feel better and to live longer while fighting problems like inflammation, fraility, and cognitive decline, which means a better diet and more exercise. And so I'm starting to do the work.

I've had some victories, at least, in coming to appreciate some healthier options. I've successfully broken the ice cream addiction by having a small dish of frozen bananas each night, topped with a couple tablespoons of coconut coffee creamer, a sprinkle of cocoa and a sprinkle of instant coffee. I've discovered that I like a plate of steamed swiss chard for breakfast, followed with a chaser of the soy yogurt I make in my Instant Pot.

I'm not seeing many changes yet. Some. I'm hoping for more.

My mom is 93 years old and swims every day. She's my inspiration.

Healthy



Click here to read about the 52 card project and see the year's gallery.

I am looking for 2 workout DVDs. Sharon Mann's The Works: Cardio and Body Sculpt. I know where they are supposed to be. I want to start exercising again, but with the recovery from my injury I don't want to start with P90X. They are my absolute two favorite workout DVDs, because they have modules that can be mixed in an incredible number of combinations.

I have only ever used them in one room. I last used them maybe four or five months ago. They should be in Fiona's room/my old office. I have spent the last hour moving the incredibly cluttered mess within a six foot square area fuming, where are they? They're supposed to be here. They simply can't be anywhere else! You know the way it is when you keep searching the same small area over and over again because you can't believe that something isn't there where you know it should be?

I want those two DVDs. I want them.

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

You will not believe the screamingly vexatious time I am having with trying to do this P90X program. The problem is the computers in the house. I can't do it in Rob's lair, where the TVs live, which is stuffed with Rob's stuff. I can't do it in my computer nook--It's the only reliably working computer in the house, but the floor space is about two feet by three feet: nowhere to exercise. There's a computer in Fiona's room (my old office, where I used to exercise), but the room is, again, overstuffed with her possessions and so there's no room to maneuver. In addition, the chin up bar doesn't fit in the doorway. I've been moving the dining room table out of the way each time and exercising in there, but Rob's laptop, which I've been using, is dying. There is a desktop computer in the dining room, but it continually freezes up. Delia's computer really isn't free for me to use.

I really want to do this. But I can't figure out how to simultaneously have 1) enough room to exercise in a place where I have 2) a reliable computer that will play DVDs. Argh.

We have no money to repair the computers. Rob needs to have a crown replaced, and I need to take my car in this week. It's smelling sickeningly of exhaust every time I use the heater, which seems dangerous to me...I'm afraid I'm breathing carbon monoxide. And it needs a wheel alignment. These two things are going to blow the budget out of the water this month. But I've been so committed to doing this, and I don't want to stop. Dammit, dammit, dammit.

I want to try it.

Your experiences? Does anyone have a set they aren't using they'd be willing to lend or perhaps sell? Or do you have any insights on where it can be bought for less than list price?

I'm sick of being out of shape. I'm sick of my hamstrings being so tight. I'm sick of being unable to balance on my right leg. I'm sick of being ten pounds overweight. I want to get my black belt. So: trying to step up the exercise. I went down to walk the treadmill this morning, since it's raining again today for the umpteenth day in forever and I can't walk the bridge. I decided to make an interval workout of it and so ran in forty-five second bursts throughout the workout. I HATE RUNNING AND I AM NO GOOD AT IT OMG.

I plan to do straddle stretches EVERY DAY. And slow kicks EVERY DAY. I have to build my cardio fitness because if I want to get my black belt I have to be able to spar, and sparring just kills me. (I haven't gone back to it yet because I have to replace my hand pads and foot pads and because I really don't like sparring very much. Ahem, at all. But I know I have to go back.)

I plan to start bicycle commuting again, probably starting May 1. I'm nervous about it, since I've been off the bike for two years, due to the knee injury. I also hate biking without the phone, in case I get a flat, and Rob has to use the phone as long as he's working for the U.S. Census (cheer up, Peg. In all likelihood, he'll be out of work again when you start biking again).

I plan to start weight-lifting again. Really.

I'm, um, thinking about resuming the 100 pushups challenge.

I plan to really really hurt for awhile as I get going with all this.

I turn 50 next month. Oy.

Here's a great list of resources and links from Health.com, with 20 ways to get healthier for free, with information about sites where you can stream a free yoga class, get a free radon home test, get a free pedometer, etc.

I took my cane to work, left it in my car, reasoning I'd go get it if I really needed it. About an hour later, I decided that yes, I really need it, and so I'm using it now. porphyrin kindly dropped off some arnica for me, and she recommended heat, Tylenol, arnica, elevation, compression, and no karate for at least a week. No karate???? *sulks* I should also talk to sensei. I'm doing the rehabilitative exercises cloudscudding recommended to me before, and I'll pick up a restrictive bandage on my way home. I'll bring my heating pad with me tomorrow.

Um, ab work? Upper body weights?

*going stir crazy without my daily walk on the bridge*