Peg Kerr's Journal

I tried going back to work this week. It is not going as well as I hoped.

Monday was my first day back at work since my accident on February 9. I'd hoped I'd be able to work my usual eight hours, but I assumed at least I'd be able to work four.

I barely managed to hold it together for three. And only by turning off the lights over my desk. It seems that the fluorescent lights are causing me difficulties.

Tried working a half-day Wednesday, my usual day off, to make up for not being able to manage a full day on Monday. On Thursday, I developed a crippling headache and so had to take sick time for that half-day of work.

My employer is supportive, but ugh, this is so frustrating.

I am doing screens more--well, I have to, to make this card. Partly that is because I couldn't ignore the war news out of Ukraine, which is terrible, and so I am on Twitter more. I still haven't resumed books, which feels like I'm being punished--before the accident, I was reading a book a day.

So: I am doing more screens than I should, and I am not recovering as swiftly as I hoped.

To be honest, I'm really not doing great. Two years of pandemic isolation, living alone, and now this. I'm lonely and bored and cabin-fevered and oh, I wish at least I could be out on my porch or outside in my garden (but of course if I could, I wouldn't have been slipping on ice, would I?) My walking group stopped meeting due to Omicron. I have been eating for comfort, so I'm at my all-time highest weight. I feel stupid, listless, logy, and gross. Depressed and worried about the news. Depression is a common side effect of concussion. No wonder.

As I was thinking about how to design this card, I looked over the pictures I had taken in the past week, and one thing leaped out at me: I routinely send Snapchats to my girls in order to keep in touch with them, and I habitually download them before sending them. One thing I noticed is that in all of them, I was squinting. I've been light-sensitive, and I'm often tired and/or in pain. And the world seems overwhelming, so I've been instinctively half closing my eyes.



This also seemed like a metaphor. Looking at the news on Twitter about Ukraine is awful, and it hurts, both physically and mentally to read it. But I'm drawn to it, to know. Just as I crave to get back to reading books. So I look, but with my eyes half-closed.

I used a visualization of a woman in profile, her skull semi-transparent to show her brain activity. That layer is itself semi-transparent, too, with an underlayer of a visualization of brain theta waves (the deepest brain activity, present in meditation and healing). Over that, I scattered pictures of my eyes, registering various degrees of pain.

Edited to add: I had just decided to call my doctor about my concussion to see if I needed another follow up. And while I was on MyChart, I clicked on the bill for my concussion diagnosis/care so far.

Understand: they did a diagnostic test (CT scan) and then did nothing more than talk to me and send me home with a prescription for Aleve. No brain surgery involved, in other words.

The bill is one and half months of my take home pay. And I'm insured.

I HATE the American health care system.

I have another appointment scheduled for March 10. More bills.

Squint



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Click here to see the 2021 gallery.

I have been having a bad enough time managing after my injury that I asked a small circle of friends for help with meals.

They came through.

Definitely not a particularly brilliant or interesting design, but I haven't the brain for anything better.

Edited to add: Interesting. I read this article and apparently, my request for help exactly fit the fourth Buddist mantra described:

When you are suffering like this, you must go to the person you love and ask for his or her help. That is true love. Do not let pride keep you apart. You must overcome your pride. You must always go to him or her. That is what this mantra is for. Practice for yourself first, to bring about oneness of your body and mind before going to the other person to say the fourth mantra: “Dear one, I am suffering; please help.” This is very simple but very hard to do.

And I spoke exactly of that, in my text to my friends, that my pride made this extremely difficult, but I needed to do it.

Meals



Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 gallery.

So, as I wrote yesterday, I have a concussion, courtesy of my back steps. I am supposed to avoid books and screens (per the symbols at the top of the card), and my head is aching just from making this card. So I'll keep this brief.

True fact: I found this picture of Wile E. Coyote as an illustration for an article about concussions.

Concussion



Click here to see the 2022 52 Card Project gallery.

Click here to see the 2021 gallery.

I went into work. And then my body said, "Uh, no." I had cut the pain medication just a touch too early. So I came home and spent a quiet day at home puttering about doing simple, small tasks which have been put off for far too long. I cleaned up a corner of my bedroom; it was absurd how happy this made me to see three feet of clear space. I shredded a bunch of old checks for some bank accounts that have been closed, since I moved to a credit union.

Not much stamina still. I'll be going to bed early tonight.

Rob took me to the ER. I had a CAT scan. I do not have bleeding on the brain, nor any fractures. I may have a small concussion. I have Vicodin. My daughters are with me. I have a colossal black eye. This is a remarkably well-composed post, considering the Vicodin. Thanks for the good thoughts.

Home again today. Everything still hurts a lot, even with painkillers: sitting, standing, walking lying. Lying on the left side's about the best. So back to it.

I have Done Something Bad to my left rotator cuff. Probably while I was doing yesterday's P90X workout (Chest and Back). Pushups.

It hurts to put on my seat belt in my car. It hurts to put my arm in my clothing. It hurts to use my arms to boost myself out of my chair. Ow.

I have had pain in my lower back for the past five days, probably due to one of my workouts last week.

(Unrelated, but also annoying: and I have cramps. Ow.)

I am not sure what to do about tomorrow's workout, which is (*checks schedule*) Shoulders and Arms. Yeah, probably a bad idea. I may swap out the Stretch DVD, just this once. Just in case. And feel guilty about it. Which is CRAZY. I am not serving my own interests by hurting myself. But it's difficult to step off the path I've set for myself. I've really done very well at being consistent, and I don't want to lose my momentum.

Hmm....

Okay, I'm a pretty sad panda this morning.

I saw my doctor this morning as a follow up to the blow to the head I took in sparring class a week ago today, and the result wasn't particularly what I wanted to hear, alas.

Once I discussed with her what happened and what my symptoms were (I still have a headache today, a full week later), she agreed that we're dealing with a concussion here, and her recommendations were: no karate or cardio of any kind this week, no-contact karate only next week (i.e., no sparring or pad strikes), with careful assessment of how I feel after each class, and then we'll see how it goes. Frankly, she's very doubtful about the wisdom of me attempting the second black belt screening on October 22, given the sparring and pad strikes portion involved, not to mention the cardio strenuousness (the second screening is about two hours long). She thinks my recovery from this is going to be at least a month. If I miss the screening, of course, that puts me out of the running for this quarter, so I won't be getting my black belt this December.

It's disappointing, but I'm okay with it if it gets put off until April (I'd do the three screenings January, February and March). As she points out, I only have one brain, and after the long time I took to get over the knee injury, I can be philosophical about it.

Philosophical, but still disappointed. Nuts.

Peg

I tried going into work again, and again I left before I'd been there an hour. Driven back to bed by headache and back ache.

Slept awhile and now the motrin's working. I'll see how I feel when it wears off.

Called my doctor's office. No contact karate (meaning no pads strike class and no sparring) until I see her on Monday. Dammit, don't they know I'm about to screen for black belt?

I got there in street clothes due to an appointment right before. I opened my bag and couldn't find my sports bra. WTF? I HATE fighting without it.

My goal was to get through the entire class without quitting.

I got punched in the head REALLY HARD. Straight in the face. By a sixteen year old brown belt six inches taller and fifty pounds heavier than me. Classic. Not his fault, really. I'm a little hazy about what happened, but it was an accident of bad timing, I think. He wasn't out of control; I just stepped in at the exact wrong moment while attempting a blitz (I think?) It rocked my head back. I yelled and stopped the fight and pulled off the helmet and gasped, starting to cry. But within thirty seconds, I had my helmet back on and stepped back into the ring and finished the fight, at full capacity.

I won several fights and got third place for the night (out of maybe nine fighters?)

My belt fell off, so I draped it over the bar...and forgot about it when I left.

Got home and discovered my sports bra wasn't on the bed. So where was it? When I discovered my belt was missing, too, I growled and stomped around alot and snarled and then drove back to the school. There was my sports bra...in the parking lot. Yes, someone had driven over it. Found my belt inside the school.

My jaw and my chin hurt, hurt, hurt. I have a headache.

Going to take a shower.

I got through the entire class, without hyperventilating.

But I do Not. Like. Sparring.

Edited to add: Oh my god, this hurts. My jaw hurts and my chin hurts and I have a terrible headache. Crying in the shower from the pain. Not a good sign. Hope the motrin kicks in soon.