pegkerr | Worry

Current Mood: stressed

Entry tags:

Worry

Something

kijjohnson said in our weekly telephone call really jumped out at me, maybe because it has the ring of truth. "You worry more than anybody I know."

I've been thinking about that statement ever since. Really, I'm quite embarrassed about it. Come on, Peg, you know that you're undermining your own health by always worrying so much. And how unnecessary it all is, really! I've been analyzing, trying to understand myself. How much of my worry is innate to my character, to the fact that I tend to be a depressive person (always seeing the glass half empty, Peg?) How much of it is integral to the structures within my marriage? Rob is adamantly NOT a worrier--and I have become, in a sense, the designated worrier of the family. It performs a function, but can slide into codependency, and really, when you look at it that way, getting off the worry hook (and maybe sticking HIM onto it) can only improve my marriage. How much of it is simply peculiar to my situation (layoff, money, some medical issues, etc.) such that any reasonable person in my position would worry the same amount?

Yes, I do worry too much. I agree. Way too much. How much can I change that? I do certain things that theoretically could help: regular exercise, including walking in sunlight, spiritual connection, antidepressants, support system. Yet I seem to be simply marinating in my own stress; my mind turns over and over on the well-worn ruts of low grade panic.

I'm sick of it.

My psychiatrist told me today that someone in my situation should be worried, yes--if I weren't, it would indicate a serious breach with reality. But the level of worry I cope with every day is so hard on me, my family, my body. There's also a part of me that thinks it's also a spiritual malaise--although I am REALLY wary of falling into the trap in which I suffered for so many years, of believing that the reason I was depressed was that I didn't have enough faith.

Still. Is it possible to change? How? I have been thinking about experimenting with meditation.

Have you managed to get a grip on worry and change yourself and the way that you deal with anxiety to the point that you think you have made a real difference in your life? What prompted the change? What did you do? How did it work for you?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I wish I knew how I changed. It may have been some sort of grace that I'm not good at talking about in public. It may have been having my life-partnership fall apart in a heartbreaking way, so that I felt like I didn't have much left to lose. It may have been Al-Anon, or the patient reminders and reinforcements of a couple of good counsellors.

I still worry about the little things. I don't beat myself up about it, but I sleep as much as I need to and ride my bike singing and have long baths and talk to my soulmate-friend on the phone and other dear people on the internet, and just let the anxiety be there. I remind myself that I have agency and choices. I read over my LJ to impress myself with all the hard stuff I've endured and all the amazing things that have happened to me.

I don't think it's fair to tell the happy parts of my story here. In short, it's a breakup, a layoff, and a move, but it's also joyful and adventurous. The theme song for the whole year was "You can't always get what you want", hence the title of this comment, and over and over again I kept getting the message that I couldn't control the little stuff but the big stuff would work out.

Your therapist is right, that this is a time when worry is both understandable and appropriate. Maybe it's not now that you need to control your worrying. Maybe it's the other times, when you do have money in the bank but are worrying about whether it's enough, or when you worry about having to buy a car, when for now and the next two years, all you really need to do is keep adding oil. --Borrowing trouble from the future, some of which will never materialize anyway.

That's the worrying that becomes corrosive and doesn't do your health any favors, and that's the worry I was taking about.

I don't buy that at all. I've been in far more dire straights than Peg is (and if her home is in foreclosure, I'll take that back) and I dealt with it by doing the best I could. I didn't have a serious breach with reality (and find the suggestion insulting), and didn't worry to the point where I was concerned about how much I was worrying, nor about whether my choices were the best ones for someone else in some other circumstances.

Figure out the best thing, do it, and stand by your choices, and see what happens next. That's my advice.

K.

Okay, I'll buy that.

I would also say that worrying exists to point out where one needs to make a decision.

K.

Did you just write a post worrying that you worry too much?

...ETA: I'm sorry, that came out flip and obnoxious. I didn't mean to be critical, the way that sounds, and you've already *said* you think you worry too much. I don't want to delete a comment on someone else's site so I will just apologize.

*laughs* I hadn't thought about it, but you're right! However, I was actually asking for advice.

You made me laugh. No need for an apology.

God knows I have never had your pressures to deal with. I mean, I've had pressure, but knowing that you're responsible for two kids and your husband is out of work is a whole 'nother level. So I don't know if anything in my experience is even applicable to yours. But the only way I can cope with the sensation that things are out of my control is to acknowledge that I actually have zero control over anything at any time, and divorce the necessary actions I have to take to get myself through a crisis from whatever emotions would stem from the uncertainty of not having done those things yet.

In other words, I sedate myself with books and DVDs and good things in between the actual moments of crisis. I am really, really good at this. If I weren't, I'd be an alcoholic like 66% of my family on both sides.

Disclaimer: this is not advice, just an anecdote. :-)

For me there's a difference between (semi-)productive worry, where I am making plans and where my concerns are motivating me to concrete actions, and anxiety, where I have trouble thinking, or taking any sort of productive action, because I'm too busy going around and around and around on the Carousel of Angst and Fear at the Doom Carnival.

I use prayer as a coping technique -- specifically, when I'm riding on the worry-go-round, repetitive prayer gives my brain something else to do for a while, and that in particular can help it to jump out of the track it's in. It works first and foremost because of the distraction technique; I think reciting poetry would probably also do that. I use a prayer that I personally find comforting in a "all right, now someone else is on this, too, so I can relax a little bit" sort of way; if there are any prayers that make you feel that way, they would be good ones to choose.

One prayer that some people use as a meditation technique is the Jesus Prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ / Son of God / Have mercy on me / a sinner." (Some drop the "a sinner" part.) They recite (out loud or mentally) the first bit while breathing in ("Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God") and then recite the second bit while exhaling ("have mercy on me").

I think that as a technique for managing worry, this works best with something short and easy to memorize and recall, but YMMV.

I had a friend who used the Agnus Dei just like that, including the breathing!

I personally find that "Gilgalad was an elven king" is extremely helpful for heart-lifting. The trick with this is that you have to get it automatic, like seeing a white horse and thinking of the tail, so that as soon as you notice you're over-worrying or spiraling down the poem (or prayer) cuts in.

Oh yes, if there's a visualization component that would help too, I think.

Carousel of Angst and Fear at the Doom Carnival--that made me laugh!

Psalms would work the same way, too. I could memorize more psalms.

I find singing Donna Nobis works really well, but then, I'm a singer by nature. Psalms would be great as recitations.

Also, I don't know if your studio does breathing meditations, but my karate school does. Those are also really helpful.

I expect meditation wouldn't hurt. It might not help, but it wouldn't hurt.

While I'm not generally a compulsive worrier, there was a period in my life where a series of sad and difficult things happened, and I experienced some anxiety. I realized I had been getting into a pattern of worrying... to the point where I was making myself sick. What I did to get out of it was the technique of, whenever I caught myself thinking those thoughts, I would make a conscious effort to replace those thoughts with something happier, something positive, something distracting. It was hard at first, but the more I practiced it, the easier it got, and I did successfully reduce the amount of anxiety and worry. Now, during rough periods, I can tell myself, "I've thought about that enough for today. I'm not going to think about it any more until tomorrow" or "I'm only going to think about this for 10 minutes today." As Bobby McFerrin once sang, "Into each life will fall some trouble. If you worry, you make it double. Don't worry, be happy." Or, if you prefer the Bible, "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof." These sayings actually do help me keep on track.

I learned some basic vipassana meditation. It's very straightforward and there should be plenty of free information online. I think Shinzen Young was the teacher of the teachers I had--reading or listening to his dharma talks may help explain things. I have not done nearly enough of this even though I know it helps, but I know that it can help immensely. If you consciously try to stop thinking about something, of course it is impossible. Probably makes it worse. But when I sit in breath meditation, what I find happening is that without conscious effort, the little things just slip off your mind. You just...let go without thinking about it or trying which are both counterproductive. You train a lower, more basic part of the brain, underneath conscious thought. (Some definite parallels to martial arts training, there. Helped my focus in karate immensely as well.)

And it actually took very little time for this to start working--and now if I start sitting again, the benefits happen much more rapidly. It's like the sludge of worries and irritations in your brain have a place to be released. Sure, more come and the big things still matter but it's such a relief to let some things slide off. And I notice that when some of that sludge is cleared away, calmness and contentness can bubble up on its own--as if it is always there but can't get past all the rumination and worrying.

The difficulty for me is maintaining a practice, but when I get very stressed I find myself even craving ten minutes of just sitting and doing the simplest breath meditation, and it helps.

Ive maintained a collection of quotes/ song lyrics/ pictures/short stories that Ive collected over the years, that when I start getting into the negative spiral of worrying -you know where your mind just won't shut up, I pull up that file and I read it. I also tend to sing songs to myself, especially when Im upset.
As far as the meditation goes, I would totally recommend it -whether it takes the form of zen meditation, tai chi (what I did), christian meditation or just sitting and watching nature outside the window or walking through the woods. I don't think it really matters. What matters is that you find a way to slow your brain down and take a deep breath and focus on something other than what ever it is that is happening in your life.

I also often worry too much, and I am really good at worrying about things that I cannot do anything to affect at the moment. My husband has been really helpful though, honestly just by being an example. Dan is also not a worrier, but he always seems to get stuff done and taken care of. He doesn't worry so much as just deal with things as they come, and he just gets to work on the things he can take care of, and keeps an eye on the situation for things that could potentially be bad, but that he can't do anything about at the moment. I call it stoicism according to Dan. So that's what I try to do. If I find myself worrying about something, I ask myself "can I do anything to change the situation right now?" If I can, I just do that thing and I don't worry. If I cannot, I ask myself if there is anything I can do to change the situation in the foreseeable future. If there is, I try to make any preparations necessary, and wait. If there is nothing I can do, I just watch and wait, not forgetting the concern, but not actively worrying. Obviously, this is the ideal description of my behavior, and not always how it turns out, but I find it very helpful.

I finally thought of something useful to say.

I think "snap out of it" is probably not a useful tactic to address worrying. I like some of the suggestions here about substituting something else instead. I'd summarize them as "Examine the worry; decide whether you can do something about it *right now*; if not, put something else in its place", with the suggested "something else" ranging from prayers to meditative phrases to song lyrics.

But it occurs to me you already have a very good collection of 'something elses' to concentrate on - several collections in fact. Maybe one of your Tree of Life images, or tree song lyrics, or soul-collage cards could be a thing to focus on, to put in place of a worry each time it recurs.

I've decided to wear my worry like armor.

Everything else failed.

I struggled with Agoraphobia about nine years ago - it was very difficult for me to leave the house, and also to be on the road. My mother got me the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook and it did, indeed, help me. There are relaxation exercises (mental and physical), and ways of working through your worries, learning how to talk yourself down. I still have some anxiety issues (mostly not about the agoraphobia anymore) but I am much more functional because of this book. It's not an overnight cure, but what is? :P Give it a try?

Oh, cool, that's really practical. Thanks!

I would wonder if some anti-anxiety meds might be in order, but I would think your psychiatrist would suggest that if it was appropriate.

Ericka (also a champion worrier) benefits from a technique called EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, that she would be more than willing to discuss with you. Give us a call (or drop an email) if you'd like more information.

"always seeing the glass half empty, Peg?"

You know, a really depressed person wouldn't even see the glass, just the spilled water.

I think something that's helped me is that I've had the bottom fall out of my world a couple of times, and I'm still here, and frankly doing pretty well.

On the other hand, being on disability and not having workplace worries helps a great deal.

Also, I've gotten pretty good about checking my reality with friends, along with looking at myself "pretty" accurately when asked how I'm doing.

And, now that I think of it, I have a lot less on my plate than you or my brother, for example. He's got kids, cows, a wife (not in that order of importance), and so on.

Hmm... I wonder if it'd help to think of the half full glass as holding coffee. That way you've stil got some left to drink.

I forgot to add that Jeff Peasley gave me something that really has helped--thinking about what I can do right now to fix the situation I'm worrying about. I've actually gotten quite good (knock on muffin) at this.

'Tho it's not designed for worry so much as boarderline personality disorder Dialectical Behavior Therapy' given me some good tools. (Plus the videotapes with Marsh Linehan are sooooo freakin' loopy.)

Peg,

I have struggled with this one too. And I'm doing much better now than I was, though my husband still says I "worry too much." But it's become more of a laugh-off thing between us that I can joke about when I'm multiple-checking things on trips rather than a deeply severe problem.

How did it change for me? Over time, with a lot of therapist work. I'm not sure I could pinpoint just one key thing anyone said or did that made me pick up the pieces and change it. I think *some* of that worry will always be with you so long as the stressors are with you, b/c that's been my experience as well. . .but. . .as for the rest of it, I've found there to be a lot of value in recognizing that some things I can't change, and what can I do about them? What I did was learn some CBT techniques where you take a problem, make a list of every possible solution, however weird or improbable, just to brainstorm, and then look at it. And if you can come up with some solutions, maybe you've got something more to work with than you had before. . .and if not, then you know you need to let go of at least *some* of the worry over that b/c you haven't got any control over it. I'm not saying it's possible to let go of all the worry, but maybe some.

I know this is all easier said than done by far, especially when your sweet family is just trying to swim rather than sink in the job situation and economic crisis and all the other rough stuff that's been going on. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. . .I know how tough it is to be the family worrier, being a woman with a husband who's the "non-worrier" of the two. And yes, I've started shifting some back onto him, and it's improved our relationship. So I can vouch for that, even though I haven't had experience with trying to juggle parenting to boot. *sends gentle hugs*

Hang in there, my brave friend.

Extremel worry and high anxiety is the one talent I am "good" at--like my mother and grandmother. We're Olympic grade worriers.

I try to live more in the moment--this moment right =here= where nothing has fallen apart. I revel and enjoy the non-emergencyness of it, so to speak. I also make contingency plans. OK, when the giant quake starts bringing down the house, I'll do this and this...spiritual connection and exercise help also, but for me, I can somewhat get control of by these two things.

There's some filk song, I think by Leslie Fish, with the line "We are not safe; we never were". Oddly, I find that phrase comforting; it's helped me deal with free-floating "what if this disaster that I can't prevent happens?" worry.

Do you know Julian of Norwich? "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." I'm a champion worrier (although single and a student, so my worries are somewhat more frivolous), and haven't made much progress in doing better, but calming myself down with that statement and some deep breaths has helped lately. (I tend to be a "working myself into a frenzy" worrier). Part of it is faith-based, but also the certainty _this WILL happen_.

I also do the 'think yourself out of it' thing with "What is the worst that could happen and what would I do if it did?" Then I hold on to that for awhile and remind myself whenever I start worrying, "If Y happens, X is what I'll do." Even if it's something really terrible, it makes me feel better that I have a plan and have some control over what I'll do even if I don't have control over what happens.

It doesn't always help, but when the carousel of worry has my mind running too fast to sleep, I focus on my breathing and chant a mantra in rhythm with it. a 7 count phrase seems to work for me.

On a more practical note, if I really can't sleep, Benadryl is a decent otc sleep aid (assuming you don't have chronic allergies and have become habituated to it of course)

For day-time/evening worrying -- I took up spinning as a hobby a couple of years back, and found that the act of spinning is extremely zen, and thus calming, for me. I would suggest thinking about which of your hobbies works in that fashion for you. (And spinning is actually a pretty inexpensive hobby if you go with a spindle)

oh! and there have been studies demonstrating that watching a fish tank lowers blood pressure and calms anxiety. Might be worth the occasional visit to an aquarium or fish store. Might even be a webcam out there.

and hey, when they are up, puppycam makes me giggle - hard to stress when laughing! http://cdn1.ustream.tv/swf/4/viewer.45.swf?cid=317016

http://picobay.com/fishcam/fishcam.html
fish cam!

I hope my response comes out ok in print, I don't want it to sound too harsh or flippant.

I'm a worrier from a long line of worriers, I swear to God that it's ingrained in my very DNA (and to an extent, that can very well be true), then nurtured through a family that will point out all the other worries I may have missed. But I think a lot of that 'being a worrier' is really more that I'm a 'worst-case-scenario-ist', that I can instantly think of all the terrible things that can possibly go wrong. I tend to be more concerned and conscientious than many others. But this kind of worrying is very different than the other kind- the kind that just adds to the stress cycle (like someone mentioned a carousel of doom, exactly that), and I think general 'worriers' have a stronger tendency toward that kind of spiral, consuming, make you sick, kind of worrying, we ride that carousel longer, and a bit more often.

I think I've finally distanced myself from that tendency though- and not by any positive thinking, actually the opposite. I hit a low point, and just had an epiphany- I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't, so fuck it.

I still generally worry, I'm still concerned about things, but I'm not fixated, I don't get sucked into DWELLING on those worries and concerns as much anymore. Also, I started looking all around me, and here are people all over, that fuck up in some pretty major, pretty fundamental ways (drugs, affairs, illegal practices) in life, yet seem to always float to the top, while I'm constantly treading water and barely keeping my head up. It's so unfair, and finally I decided, you know what, if I let a ball or two drop, fuck it- life goes on, and the world won't stop and if it crashes around me, so be it, I'll still be moving forward whether I'm ready to or not (just like everyone else in the world).

And so, sometimes those balls fall down, at work, or home, sometimes I'm not the parent or worker or friend I want to be, but that's ok, because, really, MOST of the time I am, and no one else's expectations are nearly as high as mine anyway, and if anyone is disgruntled, they get over it, they don't disown me or fire me, we work something out regardless... life simply goes on, it doesn't stop when things get ugly, it doesn't slow down or pause when I need it to, and it is so much easier to go with the flow instead of constantly struggling, now and then my head may go under, but I don't, I won't, drown, because just as I bobbed under, I'll bob back up, one way or another.

Hmmm . . . I am working through the following workbook, to get control of *my* worrying and anxiety. It's definitely proving useful.

Maybe it will help you:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46

It's called "What? Me Worry!?! " *wry smile*

And no, you don't need to buy it, it's free. You can download each PDF file from the web site.

For me, three things:

1. Writing down the "good things" - kind of the same thing as the "gratitude journal" idea. Helps keep it balanced in the mind.

2. GTD. A lot of my stress comes from the feeling that there are too many things I need to do and none of them are getting done, so using "Getting Things Done: The Stress-Free Art of Productivity" has really helped.

3. This too shall pass. Hitting the snooze button on what may be irrational responses/feelings. Writing them down and setting a firm date to check back with myself about how I'm doing in that area, then refusing to worry about them until then. Usually they pass, and everything seems better.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Worry

According to the philosopher Jagger

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

"worrying" workbook . .

no subject