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kijjohnson said in our weekly telephone call really jumped out at me, maybe because it has the ring of truth. "You worry more than anybody I know."
I've been thinking about that statement ever since. Really, I'm quite embarrassed about it. Come on, Peg, you know that you're undermining your own health by always worrying so much. And how unnecessary it all is, really! I've been analyzing, trying to understand myself. How much of my worry is innate to my character, to the fact that I tend to be a depressive person (always seeing the glass half empty, Peg?) How much of it is integral to the structures within my marriage? Rob is adamantly NOT a worrier--and I have become, in a sense, the designated worrier of the family. It performs a function, but can slide into codependency, and really, when you look at it that way, getting off the worry hook (and maybe sticking HIM onto it) can only improve my marriage. How much of it is simply peculiar to my situation (layoff, money, some medical issues, etc.) such that any reasonable person in my position would worry the same amount?
Yes, I do worry too much. I agree. Way too much. How much can I change that? I do certain things that theoretically could help: regular exercise, including walking in sunlight, spiritual connection, antidepressants, support system. Yet I seem to be simply marinating in my own stress; my mind turns over and over on the well-worn ruts of low grade panic.
I'm sick of it.
My psychiatrist told me today that someone in my situation should be worried, yes--if I weren't, it would indicate a serious breach with reality. But the level of worry I cope with every day is so hard on me, my family, my body. There's also a part of me that thinks it's also a spiritual malaise--although I am REALLY wary of falling into the trap in which I suffered for so many years, of believing that the reason I was depressed was that I didn't have enough faith.
Still. Is it possible to change? How? I have been thinking about experimenting with meditation.
Have you managed to get a grip on worry and change yourself and the way that you deal with anxiety to the point that you think you have made a real difference in your life? What prompted the change? What did you do? How did it work for you?
kijjohnson said in our weekly telephone call really jumped out at me, maybe because it has the ring of truth. "You worry more than anybody I know."I've been thinking about that statement ever since. Really, I'm quite embarrassed about it. Come on, Peg, you know that you're undermining your own health by always worrying so much. And how unnecessary it all is, really! I've been analyzing, trying to understand myself. How much of my worry is innate to my character, to the fact that I tend to be a depressive person (always seeing the glass half empty, Peg?) How much of it is integral to the structures within my marriage? Rob is adamantly NOT a worrier--and I have become, in a sense, the designated worrier of the family. It performs a function, but can slide into codependency, and really, when you look at it that way, getting off the worry hook (and maybe sticking HIM onto it) can only improve my marriage. How much of it is simply peculiar to my situation (layoff, money, some medical issues, etc.) such that any reasonable person in my position would worry the same amount?
Yes, I do worry too much. I agree. Way too much. How much can I change that? I do certain things that theoretically could help: regular exercise, including walking in sunlight, spiritual connection, antidepressants, support system. Yet I seem to be simply marinating in my own stress; my mind turns over and over on the well-worn ruts of low grade panic.
I'm sick of it.
My psychiatrist told me today that someone in my situation should be worried, yes--if I weren't, it would indicate a serious breach with reality. But the level of worry I cope with every day is so hard on me, my family, my body. There's also a part of me that thinks it's also a spiritual malaise--although I am REALLY wary of falling into the trap in which I suffered for so many years, of believing that the reason I was depressed was that I didn't have enough faith.
Still. Is it possible to change? How? I have been thinking about experimenting with meditation.
Have you managed to get a grip on worry and change yourself and the way that you deal with anxiety to the point that you think you have made a real difference in your life? What prompted the change? What did you do? How did it work for you?
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Date: 2008-11-26 11:39 pm (UTC)I'm a worrier from a long line of worriers, I swear to God that it's ingrained in my very DNA (and to an extent, that can very well be true), then nurtured through a family that will point out all the other worries I may have missed. But I think a lot of that 'being a worrier' is really more that I'm a 'worst-case-scenario-ist', that I can instantly think of all the terrible things that can possibly go wrong. I tend to be more concerned and conscientious than many others. But this kind of worrying is very different than the other kind- the kind that just adds to the stress cycle (like someone mentioned a carousel of doom, exactly that), and I think general 'worriers' have a stronger tendency toward that kind of spiral, consuming, make you sick, kind of worrying, we ride that carousel longer, and a bit more often.
I think I've finally distanced myself from that tendency though- and not by any positive thinking, actually the opposite. I hit a low point, and just had an epiphany- I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't, so fuck it.
I still generally worry, I'm still concerned about things, but I'm not fixated, I don't get sucked into DWELLING on those worries and concerns as much anymore. Also, I started looking all around me, and here are people all over, that fuck up in some pretty major, pretty fundamental ways (drugs, affairs, illegal practices) in life, yet seem to always float to the top, while I'm constantly treading water and barely keeping my head up. It's so unfair, and finally I decided, you know what, if I let a ball or two drop, fuck it- life goes on, and the world won't stop and if it crashes around me, so be it, I'll still be moving forward whether I'm ready to or not (just like everyone else in the world).
And so, sometimes those balls fall down, at work, or home, sometimes I'm not the parent or worker or friend I want to be, but that's ok, because, really, MOST of the time I am, and no one else's expectations are nearly as high as mine anyway, and if anyone is disgruntled, they get over it, they don't disown me or fire me, we work something out regardless... life simply goes on, it doesn't stop when things get ugly, it doesn't slow down or pause when I need it to, and it is so much easier to go with the flow instead of constantly struggling, now and then my head may go under, but I don't, I won't, drown, because just as I bobbed under, I'll bob back up, one way or another.