The fear of disappearing

[pegkerr]

Maybe it's giving up a writing career and then giving up karate and not knowing what, exactly, will replace it.

Maybe it's that, after thirty plus years of daily faithfulness, I no longer write in my paper journal.

Maybe it's the unseen daily struggle, the stuff that Elinor Dashwood does not think seemly to hash in this online journal. It takes up what feels like maybe seventy, eighty percent of my brain space, and yet so much of it I do not feel at liberty to disclose (it involves other people's stories rather than my own, and why would I want to vent about such dreary, depressing stuff anyway, and oh, Peg, aren't you just sick of the self-absorption of it all?) And so this journal has been quiet.

I keep thinking of "To Room Nineteen" by Doris Lessing. I'm definitely feeling haunted by it. Don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying that I'm feeling suicidal or anything; I'm definitely not. But the similarity of that protagonist's situation to my own situation niggles at me, like a tiny yet fierce sliver under the skin. The children have grown and are moving into independence, and now...what? She sits in a room, silent, with nothing to say, trying to find her way back to herself.

What happens if she can't?

There have been so few comments on my posts lately. Is it because I'm disappearing, because I truly have nothing left worth saying?

I need a new purpose. I don't know what it is yet. There has to be some point to my life from this point on other than falling into silence.

It would help if I didn't have to deal with all this other crap in my life, that weighs me down, burdens and exhausts me emotionally.

But I suppose wishing for that is pointless.

Comments

[serene]

I wish for it, too. That is, I wish things would get easier for you, and soon. Not because I don't want to hear about your pain -- I'm okay with that. I just don't want you to be IN pain.

[wintercreek]

copperbadge was just posting about that, how the creative energy for things like writing seems to come "from some separate source, one that's easy to drain, like we take energy from there first." (The post, if you're curious - mostly about ways to get energized for writing)

I wonder if there are other ways to create and do, like writing and karate, that you could access but that wouldn't require so much from you. Something inexpensive and with a variable reward threshold. I wish there was a way for you to take the Celtic fiddling lessons you mentioned a while ago, but then that is a major time commitment as well as money. How would you feel about fiber craft of some kind? Or something that's a different kind of physical, like yoga or (slow, steady) distance running? Depending on how your knee is holding up. I may be projecting here, but I have recently taken up running and although I am terribly slow (14 minute miles, no joke) I do find that the solitude of it is its own kind of recharging. No one can ask me to be responsible for anything else while I'm running, you know?

[pegkerr]

I'll probably experiment more with soul collaging. It's fun, creative and very inexpensive.

I'll look around for other things to do, too.

I've tried running in the past, and at one point diligently tried to start the running habit. I never got past the point of total loathing. It'd be problematic with my knee, too. Now that Fiona's off to college, I can probably use her bedroom as an exercise room and pull out my exercise DVDs. Those served me well for a number of years before I started karate.

[lenora_rose]

I don't tend to comment much because you don't know me well, and it thus feels intrusive to comment when it's personal. Which causes me to also not comment on your entries with more general interests.

(Also, reading you on DW, I don't get to see the other comments on LJ since your DW doesn't link to it, so if someone says something in the comments I'd feel inclined to respond to to keep a general conversation going, I don't see it. My own fault, I know)

But I can say for certain that you don't feel to me like someone who will ever be without purpose. It may not be clear in the moment, is all.

Certainly, though, one of the things I have read for is to see another example how to raise strong and intelligent and independent children. And the frustrations that crop up even then.