pegkerr | Trying to see the big picture

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Trying to see the big picture

A lot of thoughts have been swirling through my mind in the past month or so, and I've been thinking about trying to catch them and set them down in a post.

This past year, frankly, has been hard. Rob's layoff, the private medical stuff that Elinor Dashwood isn't talking about, the constant worries about money, and the return of my clinical depression. Through it all, I have done my best to keep the family going and to allow us to thrive, even, and there have definitely been bright spots, too: the joys we experience every day in raising two such wonderful girls, taking my bike outside for the first time in years, the miracle of the karate patron who gave me a scholarship so that I could continue to study, my loving partnership with Rob that has stood the test of hard times and feels stronger and more committed than ever, the support of my family and friends, including you, my dear friends list, my posse who always watches out for my back.

Yet, I still experience day-to-day life as a struggle, and the dementors have been extremely difficult lately. The new job is, hurray! a new job, but it certainly isn't bringing in the return we were led to expect (the recession is affecting sales at Rob's new store), and we are still on the extremely tightened belt budget. I experienced a real nosedive in my mood yesterday and sat down to write about it, to figure out what was really going on. When I actually ennumerated all the factors dragging down my moods, I came up with a list of about fifteen or so. What's more, I realized that many of my usual coping mechanisms for dealing with my depression when it gets bad were not available to me: no cell phone, so I can't call a friend, my computer at home is dead, so I can't easily do the computer stuff I enjoy or email. Dead broke, so I can't go out for a dinner (which I dearly would love to do after all the struggles to feed my family a meal they'll deign to eat) or a movie. I feel guilty of being too extravagent if I buy a lousy cup of coffee for myself. After almost a year of it, this sucks.

So it's no wonder that my mood was so low last night. I dutifully kitted up for sparring and went to the dojo and warmed up--and then I had to leave, because I just couldn't stop crying. I can't spar when the depression gets severe. Crud.

So: the various thoughts I've been mulling over the past several weeks. Some of it came from the retreat, some of it from various things I've read, conversations I've had, or insights that have come, particularly through the soulcollaging. THAT has been a great new tool, besides being lots of fun.

1. One thought I got from an article my sister sent to me. I can't remember the exact train of thought, but it lead to a question: imagine what your life would be like if you were not depressed. What would be your concerns, your goals, your joys, your day-to-day activities? What would you think about and try to do then? Once I started thinking about this, I realized how puzzling and strange this thinking felt. I suppose I feel about my depression as Gregor says Miles thinks about security considerations in Lois McMaster Bujold's Barrayar books: that would be like a fish thinking about water--it just never happens, because the water is always there.

2. Sister Josue at the retreat advised me to start listing my gratitudes every day. I've been doing that, and it has been helpful.

3. I picked up and skimmed a book in a gift shop (too broke to buy it but I took notes) by Gay Hendricks, called Five Wishes (Author's website is here). He encountered someone at party he really didn't want to attend, and they had a conversation which Hendricks called life-changing.

Imagine it's forty years from now, and you're on your deathbed the stranger said. Now, imagine that you look back at what you regret that you didn't get to do during your life. What would those regrets be?

Gay Hendricks thought about this. "I suppose . . .I would regret it if I didn't have a loving relationship with a woman who I adored and who adored me, and if I never had the opportunity to build a life of creativity and passion together with her."

And why is that important to you? the stranger asked.

As Hendricks thought about that, and explained, he started to understand what was holding him back, some communication issues that were present throughout all his life.

Good said the stranger. Now, turn that into a goal, in the present tense.

"I . . . want to have a loving relationship with a woman who I adore and who adore me, and to build a life of creativity and passion together with her."

Good said the stranger. Now, where are you on achieving that goal?

Gay Hendricks thought about that. The stranger smiled. Get busy

So I've been thinking about that, ever since skimming the book. I thought about my relationship with Rob and with the girls. No, I couldn't see them as a regret. I have built a loving partnership with Rob, and despite my own insecurities, I truly think that I have been a loving and good mother to the girls. They are turning out well. This dovetails well with what Sister Josue told me to do with my gratitudes. I do realize that I have much in my life to be happy about (which makes the depression particularly insiduous and annoying, of course, that it insists on sticking around, even when all sources of happiness have not been leached from one's life.) Note, the serendipity of discovering this book the same week that I am thinking about trying to visualize a life without depression. Gay Hendricks is getting at the same quality from a different approach: imagine how you can build a life where you can look back with no regrets.

Well, what about the writing? Wasn't I always saying that the fact that I have stopped writing fiction is a big regret of mine?

So I thought about it. No matter whichever way I thought about it, the only thing I could think that I would say as a regret about writing on my deathbed would be, I regret that I never wrote a beautiful book that truly moved people, that changed their lives.

But I don't need to say that. I have written a book I truly think is beautiful, that has changed people's lives.

And that was this week's blinding insight, friends list. It's true: I never wanted to write fiction to make a pile of money or win prestigious awards. It would have been nice if it had happened, but those goals never drove me. Maybe the reason I've stopped writing fiction isn't because I've lost my creativity, or because I'm too busy with the kids or I fritter away too much time on the Internet. Maybe I've stopped writing fiction because I've already achieved all that I wanted to achieve when I started writing.

Let me tell you, that is a very new thought. I will have to cogitate about that for awhile.

4. The last piece in all this is what I learned at the church service about Fiona's Mexico mission trip. The church went to the orphanage Casa Hogar Elim, which is run by a remarkable woman all the children call "Mama Lupita." The orphanage began in 1986 when Mama Lupita took in four children of an alcoholic father who had abandoned them (the mother had died), even though she had four children of her own. She kept taking in more and more children, somehow making ends meet through donations. She has made it her mission to turn these orphans' lives around, giving them food and education in a neighborhood where many children suffer horrible poverty. She never turns any child away. Mama Lupita can certainly look back on her life on her deathbed and honestly say, "My life truly made a difference for so many people."

I need to do some more thinking about the questions Gay Hendricks asks in his book (see his website here). My thoughts are hazy so far, but there's definitely something there, something about helping children, promoting literacy issues, environmental concerns. Something about wanting to travel a lot more. And there's definitely a STRONG message of I would definitely regret it if I spent forty years of my life typing paperwork for attorneys in insurance litigation--that's something I absolutely must address. I need to think more of what it would be like to live a life free of depression. I need to do more soulcollaging cards.

I need to get the damned computer fixed so I can use my iPhoto program to make more soulcollaging cards.

Edited to add: This post reminds me of one of the poems in Edgar Lee Masters' cycle of poems Spoon River Anthology, the epitaph for Fiddler Jones:

Fiddler Jones

THE EARTH keeps some vibration going
There in your heart, and that is you.
And if the people find you can fiddle,
Why, fiddle you must, for all your life.
What do you see, a harvest of clover?
Or a meadow to walk through to the river?
The wind’s in the corn; you rub your hands
For beeves hereafter ready for market;
Or else you hear the rustle of skirts
Like the girls when dancing at Little Grove.
To Cooney Potter a pillar of dust
Or whirling leaves meant ruinous drouth;
They looked to me like Red-Head Sammy
Stepping it off, to “Toor-a-Loor.”
How could I till my forty acres
Not to speak of getting more,
With a medley of horns, bassoons and piccolos
Stirred in my brain by crows and robins
And the creak of a wind-mill—only these?
And I never started to plow in my life
That some one did not stop in the road
And take me away to a dance or picnic.
I ended up with forty acres;
I ended up with a broken fiddle—
And a broken laugh, and a thousand memories,
And not a single regret.

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I would be very, very happy to have written the book you wrote! Still, I know that it can't cheer you up all day, every day.

I love this post. I would also like to say YES! to this:

But I don't need to say that. I have written a book I truly think is beautiful, that has changed people's lives.

Because I know you have, too. It sits on my shelf and speaks to me every so often.

Peg, you're such an inspiration. I wish I could work through some demons and you've given me a couple ways to approach it.

Lotsa good thoughts here, especially about the fact that you have written books already of which you can and should be proud.

Kevin and I have a couple of old clamshell iBooks that we've loaned to fans who've been without computers for a bit. They're running OSX (Tiger). Slower than modern Macs, but decent for web surfing, email, etc. If you'd like to borrow one, just let us know. I'm not certain if they have iPhoto on them already, but it shouldn't be hard to put it on one of them.

Dead broke, so I can't go out for a dinner

I suspect your schedule won't allow it, but there's some talk of Shrimp Truck on Thursday night, and I'm sure you'd be welcome at the Manor if it happens...

This was a fine entry, Peg. Nicely done.

I hope that you find it helps your hope bob to the surface as well.

Catherine

"There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty, before the last revolving year is through".

Joni Mitchell, Circle Game.

This reminds me of Dar Williams's song "I Have Lost My Dreams," where she's singing about having achieved what she wanted, about a "life beyond the burden of proof," and the last gentle refrain is, "find a new dream."

Maybe something has happened to open you to this possibility? It's a combination of the retreat and the soulcollaging, I think. Both have been very useful at busting some things open.

I have been saving more pictures for you, if you can use some more.

Also: I admire you a lot. For a lot of things. (I should make a list!)

Wow, those are some stunning epiphanies. Usually, it seems that you are so much harder on yourself, more critical of yourself, than anyone else would be, and moreso than you'd likely be to anyone else. That may be natural human thing, but it's nice to see you develop that such a perspective of NOT regretting your role/identity as a writer.

Also being in the Midwest, this winter has hit so many people even harder than usual emotionally and psychologically. Working on a campus, I worried a lot about my students this year, I saw more distress this semester than I have in the previous 5 years. Whether it's the weather, the economics, the current events, or rather, most likely a combination of all sorts of things, it's been harsh. Given that this is the particularly shitty year that you've had, coupled with this miserable winter, the fact that you are holding up, period, is a testament to your strength. It's been a gauntlet no doubt.

The gratitude list REALLY works for me. And, for some reason, while I'm still on the generic Prozac, I'm on a different formulation (my pharmacist put me on the $4 prescription program) and the change has just been amazing. I feel 500% better. I've had to increase the dose a bit over time, too. That black dog really can suck you dry--dementors is exactly what it feels like, isn't it?

I hope that this introspection is helping, and it sounds like it is. May you find peace and joy, because you give so much of it to others.

I really appreciate your posts on depression.
I have been wondering ... about depression ... if depression is a state that one's body gets into because of physical causes (hormonal, environmental, etc), is there really a way for the mind to think itself out of it?

About going out to eat and not being able to afford it--I mystery shop through a place that lets us go out to eat ($35-$70 recompensed on the bill, no extra payment). However, writing up the report afterward does take 2-3 hours. If that's worth it to you, you could try it.

Every time I read one of these posts, it makes me want to show up on your doorstep as a surprise and take you out for an evening of dinner, movie, and tea/dessert.

I am glad you recognize that you've written something beautiful that has changed people's lives and truly moved them. I think I've told you this, but the first time I read The Wild Swans, I was literally sobbing so hard for the last couple of chapters, I could hardly see the pages. And it takes a LOT to make me cry while I'm reading. It's an interesting idea that perhaps you stopped writing books because you achieved what you wanted. And the question definitely makes you think about how to view your life - what would you truly regret if you didn't do it? Hmmm.

As for gratitudes - we sort of stumbled into it starting on Thanksgiving, but I know it's considered a good mental health activity, so we've continued doing it every night at dinner - everyone in our family takes a turn saying what they were thankful for that day (as well as any generalizations, like being thankful for shelter). Even on a cruddy day, it's good to remember there's always SOMETHING to be thankful for.

With Rob's job, does he have access to cheaper (or faster) computer-fixing services?

With Rob's job, does he have access to cheaper (or faster) computer-fixing services?

Rob's new store doesn't handle computers, but he's taking the computer to the Apple store where his old manager ended up working, so he hopes that maybe they'll give us a break on price/labor. We hope. Cross your fingers. Rob thinks that the logic board needs replacing. I have no idea how much that will cost.

"One thought I got from an article my sister sent to me. I can't remember the exact train of thought, but it lead to a question: imagine what your life would be like if you were not depressed. What would you need to do to bring it about?"

It works better slightly different. Imagine a future in which your depression is solved, by magic or a medical breakthrough or some other means -- it doesn't matter. Maybe it's the near future; maybe it's the far future. Just imagine it's gone. Imagine that, how it would look, how it would feel, how it would taste. Imagine the things you could do, the things you would feel. Imagine everything. Then imagine what you would tell your present self about this future. And finally, go back to the present and listen to what your future self said.

B

It works better slightly different. Imagine a future in which your depression is solved, by magic or a medical breakthrough or some other means -- it doesn't matter. Yes, that gets closer to the question as it was posed, and I've gone back to edit my post to reflect that. I'm not trying to consider how to get to that point but what I would do when I'm there.

I still think I'd be learning to play the Gaelic fiddle.

If for some bizarre reason I could only have ten LJs on my flist or something like that, you would be on that list. Posts like this are beautiful and important and they make me think. I really value the thoughts that you share--thank you for putting yourself out there like this.

Hon, you're a frickin' rock star when it comes to childrearing, and your blog inspires and moves me daily. I know dementors are evil bastards who make you hate everything, but you are a valuable and rare woman. If the opinion of one total stranger can make you feel better, I hope this does.

*laughs* Well, bless your heart. Thank you.

Maybe the reason I've stopped writing fiction isn't because I've lost my creativity, or because I'm too busy with the kids or I fritter away too much time on the Internet. Maybe I've stopped writing fiction because I've already achieved all that I wanted to achieve when I started writing.

This sounds like an important breakthrough to me. It fits with what I've seen you say over the time I've been reading your journal. It seems to me that you have been way too hard on yourself over not writing more. You've already done something good. Mentally punishing yourself for not doing more is looking at things the wrong way in my opinion. That's pretty much what depression is though, isn't it? Looking at things from the wrong, negative side and letting that overwhelm you? I've never been inclined towards clinical depression, so I can't begin to really understand what you experience, but I do know that looking at what is positive as opposed to what is negative is healthier in general. I think that listing your gratitudes on a regular basis is a positive step to take.

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Trying to see the big picture

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