It's confusing. And water over the feet

[pegkerr]

I wrote a post yesterday about a huge three-way fight between me, Rob and Fiona. Almost deleted it, then locked it to a small subgroup. It was an ugly stupid fight that had me shaking with nerves when I came to work, and to my stressed out mind, totally indicative of the way things seem to be sliding into the abyss. The odd thing was that we were talking about it at dinner because we were describing to Delia what happened. How could I go from being absolutely shattered about an ugly fight in the morning to laughing about it at night? As we described what happened, the words we said (expletives deleted), the actions taken, we were doubled over with giggles. Why?

"The only explanation I can come up with," I said, "is that we love each other."

Dunno why that makes a difference. But apparently it does.

It has been raining all morning here in Minneapolis. No walk on the Stone Arch Bridge today. The rain pours down, and the water is running fast in the gutters, down the windows. Soon it will be rising in the streets, and rowboats will pull out from between the buildings, their hapless pilots buffeted, struggling to right their craft and ply their oars. The financial sector continues to melt down. I take my pills. The newspapers float in the eddies, their headlines forecasting doom.

My vision is gray and then I am wet, soaking wet and cold, so cold, and I wish it would just goddamn stop raining and the boat would stop leaking, and that Rob would get a job and that the news would stop being so scary but then I look up and see, wow, there's Jesus. Walking across the water toward me. Awesome. Wish I could do that. Get out of this leaky boat that's about to sink, and just walk away, walk toward Him, and I know every thing would be all right. And I say this to Him, and I'm not sure He can hear me above the howl of the wind, but He raises His hand and says, "Come."

Oh, boy.

So I leap over the edge of the boat and stand in the water. No, I'm standing on the water! There He is, right ahead of me. Rob and Fiona and Delia are still sitting silently in the boat behind me. I hope it doesn't sink entirely before I get them out of there, but Jesus will know what to do. I take a step toward Him, and another--I'm doing it! I'm walking on water!

But the next step is a little squishier, and the next a little lower. And my shoes are filling with water and there is nothing underneath them. I'm not looking at Jesus anymore, I realize, and when I look back at him, fearfully, he stares down at me impassively as I start to sink.

That's where I am right now, ladies and gentlemen. Sinking into the water that's going to drown me. And I'm more than a little ticked off at Jesus about it, really. Why the heck did He tell me to get out of the boat and walk across the water toward Him? Doesn't He know that it's impossible? So, if I'm really lucky, He's going to catch my arm and gently chide me as he puts me back into the (leaking) boat saying, "Oh Peg of little faith, why did you doubt?" Great. Wonderful comfort that will be. Doesn't he have a life preserver, at least?

Why indeed, Jesus, honey? Could it be, oh, because people can't walk on water? And I'll sit there, fuming, my ass in the water, listening to myself being derided for not believing enough.

And then the boat sinks around us anyway.

I feel somewhat disturbingly imbalanced today.

Comments

[karenthology.livejournal.com]

I don't comment very much, but I want to say -- it will get better.

I'm in very much the same place when it comes to the water. The one explanation I have is that He has a different answer for everyone. That was Peter's response. Not yours. You're definitely not Peter. I'm still waiting for mine. But you won't drown. You won't.

Praying for you.

[rachet.livejournal.com]

Wow. I needed to read that. It put something in perspective that's been heavy on my mind.

He does have a life preserver. And you've already got it. Faith.

*hugs* Everything is going to turn out fine.

It has before. It will again. And again. In the meantime, I wish I was there to help bail out the boat.

[folk.livejournal.com]

I have some good news:

A new Minnesota Public Radio poll of likely Minnesota voters finds "the extraordinary financial crisis and the resulting congressional response along with the Vice Presidential debate" propelled Sen. Barack Obama from a narrow 4 point lead (47% to 43%) to a 14 point advantage over Sen. John McCain (54% to 40%).

Hope.

[magentamn.livejournal.com]

Perhaps people can't walk on water, but they can swim. Yes, I know, you've being paddling as hard as you can for quite some time, and your arms and legs are tired. Can you turn on your back and float for a little while? My personal take on your vision is that is it not so much about your faith as about how your life has been going lately. I'm not a Christian, so I can't comment on your faith, but your vision of Jesus doesn't really sound very Christ-like, in my very humble opinion.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

No, He's not very Christ-like in this vision, I agree. But maybe I'm not seeing Him as He really is either because 1) lack of faith (geez, this is circular reasoning) or 2) severe depression/impaired thinking.

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

Here's my latest mantra, "It isn't a moral failure, it's just brain chemistry".

[ckd]

I don't know what to say. I just want to say that I'm listening.

Because...

[lsanderson.livejournal.com]

The Straw that breaks the camel's back remains a straw.

[wordswoman.livejournal.com]

No advice, just hugs and empathy. My husband is unemployed too, and taking an approach to job hunting (or not) that's maddeningly different than what I would do in his situation. I'm trying to tell myself that *different* is not necessarily *bad*, but the Stress-O-Meter is headed into the red, my nights are full of bad dreams, and....

...yeah. I would like to invite you into my boat, but it's sinking too.

Coffee and sympathy, sometime?

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

You know, I think I might like that. email me at pegkerr AT comcast DOT net.

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear all this. I understand how all that feels. It feels like shit, and shit that you don't seem to be able to deal with.

Funny, the sermon at church a few weeks ago was about (IIRC) the disciples in a boat during a storm, Jesus walking on water, and Peter trying.

Heh (to quote Pamela), if it was Peter who failed while walking on water, then it's interesting--if only from the imagery--that he became the rock that the church was founded on.