Trying to figure out what is my Flying Elbow Drop

One thing about having one's father die, it sure makes you think about things.

Yesterday's soulcollage card, Hidden Passage, is really timely. I am ready to make a change, and I'm frustrated because I don't know what is on the other side of that bridge. It is hidden by fog. My Dad was experiencing the same restlessness at my age, and that's what led to his career change at the age of 55, when all of his kids were out of college.

I felt it so strongly after my week off for bereavement leave: when it came time to go back to work: I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't I don't I don't.

I've been obsessed with this comic lately. I like the cartoonist in general, but THIS one: I've cut it out and put it on the inside of my coat closet at work, so I see at the beginning and end of every work day. It's like an irritant, but perhaps a pearl will build up from that irritant.

I don't want to be a legal secretary anymore. I feel trapped by the necessity of providing the health insurance for my family (oh curses upon you, United State of America, for refusing to provide universal health insurance for your citizens). But what can I do that will provide for my family, that will make me feel alive?

I want to do something that makes me feel the way that Alternity feels. I want something to do with the social connections I make through social media, something to do with making the world a better place. But I can't write fast enough to make a living at writing.

Whose life do I want? Melissa Annelli's. She turned her burning interest in Harry Potter (which I share) into a career. She networks (which I like, too; I'm fascinated by social media). John and Hank Green are two more that I admire. They are connecting people.

What is my Flying Elbow Drop?

I have no idea. And the fog is driving me crazy. I have the burning desire to cross through it, but no idea where to go.

But I can't just stand here paralyzed on the brink anymore, either. That's driving me crazy, too.

I am interested in soulcollage. Perhaps I could go through the training to become a workshop facilitator? That might be moving me more in the direction of my interests. It would start out as an avocation, but perhaps it could develop into something? What, though? What could I do with that professionally? No clue.

I might need to hire a life coach.

Edited to add: 8 Signs You've Found Your Life's Work.

Unexpectedly...another soulcollage card

I had no intention of pulling out my soulcollage materials tonight.

My backbrain, however, insisted.

This card is related to several other cards in my deck: the Bearer of Burdens card, the Time card, the Dementor card, and The Woman Who Listens to Ravens card. I also think it's the card about what can happen if you resist crossing the Hidden Passage.

Cog in the Machine - Committee Suit I am the One who feels trapped by duty and necessity into doing work without desire. I have hidden my authentic self behind masks for so long that I am deadened to everything. I am effective for other people's profit, but never for myself. I am a slave to routine, helpless to change my own fate.

Obviously, this has been much on my mind lately.

Not sure how I feel about this card. It's something I've certainly been thinking about lately, which makes it powerful, but I don't think it's one of my more sophisticated cards, artistically.