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I blew off didn't go to church today. Again. And after half-vaguely being aware that I've been doing this more and more and pushing away the knowledge for a long time, I finally sat down today to think about Why am I doing this?
Without too much difficulty, I realised what it was.
I grew up going to church with my entire family. When I went to college, I went to the college chapel almost every day and sat with my friends. There was about four years there when I was out of college and single and I went to church by myself, but that was okay; I was single, after all.
When the girls were born, I started bringing them to church. We sat up front, and I nursed my babies during the sermon, and they were raised knowing the people we saw there every week. I think the sweetest period was the last two years Fiona was in high school; I always sat with my arm around her shoulders (Delia isn't quite so much as into cuddling as Fiona).
But no more. Rob has never been a churchgoer, Fiona is off to college, and Delia has been balking at attending services. And anyway, in just a year, she'll be off at college, too.
The reason I've been avoiding church is that I'm lonely. Now, loneliness isn't usually an issue for me. I am happy with people, but I am happy on my own. I have no trouble whatsoever going out to restaurants by myself. But for some reason I don't like going to church by myself. Church for me (aside from college and the few years I was single) has always meant family. But that's what it's going to be from now on.
When I thought about it this morning, I actually broke down and got teary over it. I'm going to be going to church alone for the rest of my life.
I envy my sisters. I envy Mom. They've always gone to church with their husbands. Mom is alone now, but she went to church with Dad for decades. She's facing going to church alone for the first time, but at least she goes to my sisters' church. It's really too far for me to go there every Sunday morning.
I miss having my arm around Fiona's shoulders. I miss it. Of course, the obvious answer is, Peg, why don't you sit with friends in church?
It just doesn't feel the same.
Without too much difficulty, I realised what it was.
I grew up going to church with my entire family. When I went to college, I went to the college chapel almost every day and sat with my friends. There was about four years there when I was out of college and single and I went to church by myself, but that was okay; I was single, after all.
When the girls were born, I started bringing them to church. We sat up front, and I nursed my babies during the sermon, and they were raised knowing the people we saw there every week. I think the sweetest period was the last two years Fiona was in high school; I always sat with my arm around her shoulders (Delia isn't quite so much as into cuddling as Fiona).
But no more. Rob has never been a churchgoer, Fiona is off to college, and Delia has been balking at attending services. And anyway, in just a year, she'll be off at college, too.
The reason I've been avoiding church is that I'm lonely. Now, loneliness isn't usually an issue for me. I am happy with people, but I am happy on my own. I have no trouble whatsoever going out to restaurants by myself. But for some reason I don't like going to church by myself. Church for me (aside from college and the few years I was single) has always meant family. But that's what it's going to be from now on.
When I thought about it this morning, I actually broke down and got teary over it. I'm going to be going to church alone for the rest of my life.
I envy my sisters. I envy Mom. They've always gone to church with their husbands. Mom is alone now, but she went to church with Dad for decades. She's facing going to church alone for the first time, but at least she goes to my sisters' church. It's really too far for me to go there every Sunday morning.
I miss having my arm around Fiona's shoulders. I miss it. Of course, the obvious answer is, Peg, why don't you sit with friends in church?
It just doesn't feel the same.