My son

[pegkerr]

You saw that there was a child. You saw my son.

That future is almost gone.

I got a call from a charity this week, that we've donated to before. Got anything to give us? Household stuff, clothes, kid toys, pots and pans? We'll take anything you use in your house. Sure. Great. Let's get rid of a lot of stuff.

So I spent over an hour on Wednesday night, pulling old clothes from the closet and packing up household things to leave on the porch for pickup yesterday morning. Rather to my irritation, Rob, who needs to clean out his closet much more than I do, didn't devote any time to this, explaining he was much too busy preparing some paperwork for someone.

It made quite a pile out there on the porch when we left yesterday. But when we got back, there was quite a bit of it still there. They wouldn't take the baby swing, the car seat, the kid stove, the dollhouse, or the stroller.

I shook my head at the sight and felt, as always, a particular pang as I looked at the stroller. That damned stroller. Fiona is ten and Delia is seven, and I've been trying to get rid of it for years. It has sat on the landing of the stairs into the basement, sort of in the way whenever I'm carrying a load of laundry downstairs. But I've tried and tried, and I cannot get rid of it. No one bought it at the three garage sales I've held. I took it to a kids consignment shop and they wouldn't take it ("We have too many, and parents want the latest models"). And now this charity won't take it, either. It's a really nice stroller. We spent almost a hundred dollars on it. It goes against the grain to throw away a perfectly useable stroller, when I can see a couple of parents happily wheeling a beloved baby to the park in it.

And that's why seeing that stroller is so painful. I'm never going to have another baby. I'm never going to have a son. I love my daughters, but I wanted a son, too. But we don't have room in our house, and we don't have room in our budget, and I had so many complications with Delia that our doctor said, "You're not going to do this again, are you?" And we had always said we would only have two. But every one of my siblings have at least three, and after I weaned Delia, my arms still felt empty, and I still feel cheated, everytime I walk downstairs and see that damned stroller.

When I saw Return of the King, I felt Arwen's pain in the scene where Aragorn holds Eldarion, and she realizes, That could have been my son. When the boy looked up from the encirclement of his father's arms and his eyes met mine, I felt something lurch inside me, and I wept in the dark, taken by surprise yet again in saying goodbye to my son who never was. He is glimpsed in dreams and wishes, but for me, unlike for Arwen, he will never come to be.

When will the pain ever fade? I suppose it will, but it will never go away entirely.

Comments

[aome.livejournal.com]

If finances weren't an issue, I'd suggest adopting a son - no health risks to you, and a guaranteed gender outcome.

Is there a women's shelter or some sort of project for teen mothers or something, which might take the stroller? Has anyone ever given a *reason* for not taking it? Not safe? Not sanitary? It does seem odd that they wouldn't take something so handy and nice.

[lissannej.livejournal.com]

I'm in a melancholy mood and this made me really sad to read, Peg. I'm sorry you won't ever have the son you wanted. I'm not a mother but I can understand how it must hurt, even after so many years.

[lizardek.livejournal.com]

That was very sad to read. :( I'm amazed that no one has taken that stroller off your hands, here in Sweden it would have been snapped up in a hot second. Perhaps it's not too late to consider adopting? There are so many, many children out there who would love to have a family like yours.

[siriologist.livejournal.com]

Psssst. You can have one of mine.. ;)

I know that's not the right thing to say at the moment. I hated it when my sister (who had 2 children at the time) would joke like that when I was having trouble getting pregnant for the first time. It's not the same and it makes you ache inside.

It's funny how are perceptions of who we'll be follow us all our lives. I always saw myself as having two kids, and I'm still (5 years later) adjusting to being a mom of three. I know this might not help, but having a third is logarithmically more work than two. You need 4 bedrooms rather than three (or three rather than being able to get by with two), you need a car that seats at least 5, and if you don't want the "he's touching me" syndrome that means a minivan or SUV with a 3rd seat. You and Rob can be two places at once, but not three so one child's activities are bound to be sacrificed at some point. Grandparents tend to be able to handle two kids, but three is a bit overwhelming. You don't have the hands to hold all of them at once.

I often look at all the frilly girl things and get that pang. I'll never know dance class or buying a pretty party dress, or be able to buy my daughter a paleontologist Barbie. I have a girls name picked out that I'll never use (Janine Louise) but I love my boys and count my blessings that I won't have to go through girl teen adolescence.

Anyway...let me know if you want to rent a boy for a bit we have a variety of sizes, ages, and interests. :)

[kiwiria.livejournal.com]

Are there no friends or family members who might be (or soon be) in need of a stroller? Or perhaps some still-studying-parents who'd be happy to have one less thing to spend money on? I know that here in Denmark, people would just put up a notice at the uni, and the stroller would be snapped up in no time at all. I'd love to buy it for my sister, if it wasn't that it's a bit to heavy for over-sea postage ;-)

{{{hugs}}} I'm not even a mother of *one* yet, but you wrote vividly enough to make me understand your pain. Enough so that I don't know what to say that won't sound flippant. Just... {{{hugs}}}

[ionas.livejournal.com]

I beg pardon for presumptuousness, but I want to speak up in favor of adoption, should you and your spouse so choose: I have a close association with this route. Close, precious, joyous, and causing the unexpected opening of doors I never before perceived--and insights I never would have had, such as "What exactly makes a family?"

Again I apologize if this is trespassing against boundaries you would as soon not be crossed.

[neonnurse.livejournal.com]

Never say never. You don't know what life will decide to bring to you. The former baby of our family was a senior in high school when Things started to twist and wind. Suddenly we had a supposedly temporary infant in the house, and then a wee Legal Minefield, and then a Toddling Legal Fight to the Death. All in all it took four years before there were any certainties except that this baby's life was a train wreck waiting to happen.

Yet for once, it didn't. And now we have our Maddening Mike, the love of our lives, who is less than a year older than the oldest grandchild. It's not at all what I thought my middle years would be like--and I wouldn't trade him for ten thousand worlds of solid gold.

Seriously, you never know. And grandchildren are SUPER! You'll love that part. Hang in there!

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

There's always unhappiness around number of children. I happened to have a son and a daughter, and I have always wanted a sister for my daughter and a brother for my son. Not wanting, nor having the resources for, four kids made that impossible, but that doesn't mean I don't long for that. Now they're getting married and so we gather in the ones we are missing. It's not the same, but nothing ever is.

If you take the stroller up to the Mercado and leave it outside the door with a note on it that says "Gratis para una familia que la necesitan" it will be gone in moments to a family who cannot afford such a nice one themselves.

K.

[porphyrin.livejournal.com]

You could take the stroller to HCMC, to the Peds Ward there.

They're always in need of strollers, even just for wheeling sick kids around and around the floor in. So is Minneapolis Children's, too, come to think of it.

And should your arms ever feel so empty that you just need a squirming boy-toddler to hold, please feel free to borrow mine.

With sympathy,

S.

[lsanderson.livejournal.com]

Which charity? I still have my aunt's things sitting in my basement and my garage... e-mail to larry at lsanderson.net.

If all people wuz practical, we never would have made it out of the cave.

Re:

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

That's a greata idea.

B

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Your post made me realize that I have not yet faced my feelings about reaching an age where I'm not likely to have any children of my own. I've never been in a position where I felt I could provide for a child, but it's another thing to realize that, even if the circumstances should be right, the possibility is gone.

Fostering is still an option, but doesn't reach to that inner nature hoping to perpetuate itself in the world.

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

Call domestic abuse shelters in the area.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

If one really loves being a parent (as differentiated from loves one's children, I think), one may never get away from that feeling of there being another child in the universe who should be one's.

At 56, with grown son and daughter and teen son and daughter, I still frequently want another kid. No grandkids on the horizon, either--a like-age friend and I have decided that there are grandparent hormones that kick in when one reaches a suitable age.

You received many good tips for finding a home for the stroller. Another one is that one can put almost any usable object out by the trash a day or so before trash day and discover that it disappears before the trash pickup.

[psychic-serpent.livejournal.com]

I had such a pang when I took our tandem stroller to the church flea market to sell. It cost a bunch and was very useful when Ben was two and Rachel was only a few months old. Getting rid of the stroller really did feel like a very final thing. But we'd talked about having two kids, period, and that was it. No changing our minds.

When I saw who was buying the stroller, I couldn't help but be glad that we'd donated it to the sale. A couple of graduate students who were visiting Penn from Nairobi needed it; they already had a toddler and the wife was expecting their second baby any moment. They even hoped to take the stroller back to Africa; they said that such things are next to impossible to acquire there, and I believe it.

I, too, sometimes wish for a sister for my daughter and a brother for my son, but that is just not in the cards for our family. I've even considered foster care once or twice (almost seriously), but I had to be realistic about my abilities to cope with the current workload here at home; I'd be dreaming to think I could take on one or two more ready-made kids with an accompanying raft of problems (the reasons for the poor kid[s} being in foster care to begin with). I occasionally find myself envying friends who have two girls or two boys. My son and daughter always seem to be on completely different wavelengths. ;)

Each of my kids will need to find friends who can provide that same-sex sibling experience, and so far they have. I have both sisters and a brother yet don't really feel that close to any of them because of our age differences. (Which is why we had our kids less than two years apart--in theory this was supposed to help them bond.)

I love my son and it's true that I have a very different relationship with him than I do with my daughter. He's my firstborn. I homeschooled him last year. He'll talk to me about things he won't discuss with my husband. We're very much alike and sometimes that's an element of guilt for me, when I see him repeating my mistakes. But I'm in awe of both of my children when all is said and done. I wonder what it would be like to have two boys or two girls, but I wouldn't want to have missed out on the opportunity to get to know either my son or daughter. You may occasionally still feel that son-desire now and then, but I think your lovely daughters will manage to distract you and show you just how amazing and wonderful they are. If they're so inclined, maybe someday they'll provide you with a couple of wonderful sons-in-law. My husband was an only child and I'm now the daughter my in-laws never had, while they're my "other" parents. Sons and daughters can come into our lives in all sorts of ways.

[anya-writer.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[naomikritzer]

I'm tempted to ask for a description of the stroller and make an offer if it's nice, lightweight, would fit well into the trunk of a small car, and yet would also be pushable by a tall person... We have a jogger that is very nice for long walks but is kind of a pain to collapse and put in the trunk, and we have an umbrella stroller that is wonderfully portable but not comfortable to push for long distances.

But seriously, for finding new homes for useful items (particularly children's items) I highly recommend the Minneapolis Freecycling Yahoo list. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freecycleTC/

The carseat you should probably just cut the straps and throw away. Carseat technology genuinely has improved quite a lot even in the last five years; also, there's a decent chance it's been recalled for something in the years since your kids were using it. New carseats are not all that expensive (unless you buy a Britax).

I have no useful input on the number-of-children issue, just the disposal-of-stuff issue. I need to figure out something to do with a bunch of books: we pruned our bookshelves and want to get rid of a bunch of the books left over from college classes. There's a bunch of pretty dry religious studies books, some sociology and philosophy, and some odds and ends I'm forgetting. I could take them all to Half Price but I find it more demoralizing to get $10 for several hundred dollars worth of books than to just give them away.

[longtimegone]

Oh honey. *hugs* I'm 23. I'm not married. No children. But I want you to know that I'm thinking of you even if I'm not really at the same point in life to understand exactly what you mean. For what it's worth.

Carseat

[porphyrin.livejournal.com]

Oop.

Forgot.

Carseat isn't going to be usable by any charity, unfortunately. The problem is severalfold: first, the new 'LATCH' system on carseats (mandated as of 2003-- and all new cars come with a LATCH), second the 'advances in technology' (which aren't all that, um, advanced), and third-- the fact that nobody can just trust anybody's word any more.

See, if that carseat's been through even the tiniest fender-bender, it's considered to be worthless.

For a long & boring digression into carseats, just drop a comment on my blog.

But I was thinking: if you cut the straps on the carseat and then offered it to someone with an active toddler, they might take it as a 'La-Z-boy' kind of thing for the kid to sit in...

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

It is a very nice stroller. The frame is aluminum so it's light, but it's more substantial than a simple umbrella stroller. It has a canopy that can fold back, a removal shelf below that can be used to hold packages, and a soft padded cotton lining. Would you like to come over and take a look at it? Let me know!

Re:

[perimyndith.livejournal.com]

Try Amazon.com used book sales. I've had good luck getting rid of my old academic nonfiction from grad school there.

[(Anonymous)]

I still sometimes miss the second daughter my son turned out not to be. I felt a tiny pang when my husband got his vasectomy -- goodbye, Dorothy Alice.

Don't get me wrong. I love my son passionately.