Coming to understand my own heart

[pegkerr]

Another thing has occurred to me as I have been mulling over this week my decision whether or not to continue with karate. As you know, I have been defraying part of the girls' tuition by taking pictures during the belt tests each month. To do this, I have to actually enter the dojo space during the tests, in order to take pictures close up. These pictures are then e-mailed to the webmaster and posted.

This occurred to me for the first time last night, and I think it is rather telling: I realized that I have never stopped bowing when I enter and leave the dojo space. It seems to me to be a telling insight into my own heart. If I was entering that space as a karate parent, only there to take pictures, I don't think I would have felt the necessity to bow. I have never seen any other parent do so. But even now, months after I ceased taking lessons, I still bow every time I enter and leave. And the reason, I think, is that I have never stopped thinking of myself as a karate student.

This small detail has helped me to finally discern the true wishes of my own heart. I will speak to Ms. Lykken, the sensei who earned her way to her black belt by cleaning the dojo, and then I think I will go ahead with the one month experiment and see how it goes.

Comments

[dreadmouse.livejournal.com]

I agree, that is very telling. Good for you, and I wish you much luck with the experiment!

[http://users.livejournal.com/anam_cara_/]

Do you continue to practice on your own at home (at the level you were at), regardless of taking lessons? I'm not sure if I've caught if you've addressed that or not... I haven't ever been involved in martial arts, but was curious if it's something that is at least maintainable on your own if you are not working in progression to each level.

Time is such a commodity- I really understand your hesitation despite your strong desire to continue, just handling one teen with only 3 or so activities, and I am so frazzled. I hope all works out well!!

[gamps-garret.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad that you're starting to understand what will make you heart-whole.

[gerisullivan.livejournal.com]

I love it when those sorts of insights make themselves known to me, and am delighted to read when they happen to others. Thank you for all of your posts, and especially this one!

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

Very wise.

[jbru.livejournal.com]

How very wise and observant of you. You could be a koan.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I haven't, but I have done some Tae Bo and kickboxing workout DVDs. I told sensei I was worried that I would have lost too much strength and balance in the time since I've been in class, but he assured me that he thought I would quickly regain it.