Peg Kerr's Journal

I've been talking with a friend at my church who is a fourth degree black belt in a different martial art about my problems with balance. He suggested an extremely simple drill to work on it: Stand with your feet together. Raise your hands straight out from your sides until they are parallel to the floor, palms down. Then, raise one of your feet straight in front of you until your foot hovers about six inches from the floor. Close your eyes and hold the pose for thirty seconds. Then do the other leg.

Do it to the side by raising the foot six inches from the floor to the side, except in that position hold the palms up. Then do it with your foot to the back, six inches from the floor, palms down again.

The results were stunning.

On my bad side, the one with the injured knee, and which I have always had more trouble balancing on, I fell out of the pose after five seconds. Repeatedly. Note, I am a double black stripe belt. Note that I have been working on balance for over three years. I cannot hold this simple pose, with one foot six inches off the floor, for more than five to ten seconds or so. I am flabbergasted. I always knew my balance was bad, but this bad?!

My second screening comes up in three weeks. WTF am I going to do? I think this must indicate a genuine inner ear disturbance. Jeff told me that his balance got better if he diligently practices this, but still, I'm rather shaken by this discovery.

I asked sensei last week whether it was likely that I might test for brown belt this month. He said yes, so they'll be looking at me for pretesting this week, and now the test is looming in my mind.

For me, brown belt feels like a really big deal.

In our dojo, passing brown belt means that you are now addressed as "Mr." or "Ms. [last name]" There's a profound level of respect associated with earning that belt. It has been quite funny that for a good part of a year, my daughters have been addressed with the "Ms." honorific whereas I am still "Peg."

Technically, this should be my second experience testing at the Advanced belt level (Advanced belt exams starts when you are a red belt testing for brown stripe, running up through double black stripe, the last belt before black belt). But I earned my brown stripe belt (my present one) at a makeup test, not the regular test, and so it was a bit rushed, and let's face it--much easier than the Advanced tests are usually run. This will be, for all intents and purposes, really my first Advanced belt test.

What is making me fret so much is that, inexplicably, right in time for the test, my balance seems to have disappeared on one side. If I stand on my left leg and kick with my right, I can balance, no problem. Front kick, round kick, hook kick and sidekick, whatever. . . I wobble a little on some, but no more than would be expected of someone testing for brown.

But if I stand on my right leg and kick with my left, the story is completely different. I do okay on the front kick. But I start wobbling badly on the round kick and hook kicks. And to my consternation, I'm continually falling out of the kick entirely when I attempt the side kick on that side.

Weird. It's as if I've had a margarita that's affecting only one side of my brain.

I discovered this in class last Thursday. Worried, I went down to practice kicking in the downstairs gym during my lunch hour today, and the problem is definitely still there. I did a little better than last Thursday, but the difference between the two sides is quite marked: I can balance on 90% of the side kicks, kicking with the right leg. But when I kick with the left leg, I'm falling out of, I dunno, about three-quarters of the kicks.

This is ridiculous. I'm trying to cope with it by concentrating as hard as I can on keeping my focus on my target, and on keeping my hands controlled. I know that senseis will also be looking especially for a full pivot on the supporting leg, so I'm trying not to lose track of that, either. And of course, another thing they look for on tests is that if you do fall out of a kick, whatever you do, you don't give up but instead get your leg back up there as fast as possible.

At this point, it becomes sort of a mind game. The pressure of the test and my difficulties on Thursday have increased my anxiety about keeping my balance, particularly kicking with my left leg, but what happens whenever anxiety increases? You guessed it--balance actually becomes even worse. Wonderful. I'm afraid I'm going to psych myself out before I even start the test, maybe even this week while I'm being pre-tested.

I can't ever remember being so anxious about a test this far in advance.

Rob has to work the morning of the test (of course) and so will miss it. I'm rather bitter about that.