Impatience and envy

[pegkerr]

Has everyone seen/heard kijjohnson's essay on NPR on their segment "This I Believe"? Check it out. I'm so proud of her.

(Great pictures, too.)

Karate last night, with pazlazuli teaching. I arrived vaguely out of sorts, with girly cramps and consequently disinclined to move. Fiona had the black belt class before me and practiced her kama form. I cannot tell you what a joy it is for me to watch her practice, her round kicks reaching to the ceiling, her moves crisp and precise, her face fierce and beautiful, a battle maiden, as she whips the kamas around.

Just three students in my class last night: C., me, and Mr. N., who is brand new to National Karate, but who earned a black belt in a Tae Kwon Do discipline on the West Coast. I am fighting serious envy every time I watch him kick--his discipline particularly emphasized extension, and he kicks really high, with a great deal of power. I'd guess he's in his twenties; he's been practicing since he was fourteen, and it really shows. C. is in high school and, I think, has some subtle physical disability that I haven't quite figured out yet--he moves in an odd, shambling way sometimes, as if he is a marionette with overly loose strings. He works hard, though, and is continually improving. Although I thoroughly despise myself for it and frequently scold myself, I always secretly feel better about how I'm doing when I compare myself to him.

Then, of course, I compare myself to Mr. N. and feel ten times worse.

We did karate marching basics, which felt good--it's a great workout. I found it easier to emphasize the three different moves on the inside forearm block/punch/palm heel when I vocalize with a fierce "sst, sst, sst" through my teeth. pazlazuli was urging us that as we punched we really rip back the opposite arm, high and tight to the ribs. Still trying to deepen my stance, too, keeping the shoulders square. I like karate marching basics.

When pazlazuli said we'd work next on spin kicks, my heart sank. We did the spin hook and the spin wheel. Never even got to the tornado. The wheel kick isn't so bad, but I still don't feel comfortable with the plain old hook kick, much less the spin hook. I'm always afraid I'm going to throw my hip out because of the problem I have with my hip ligaments (it's a problem on the tornado kicks, too), and that indeed is what happened last night. I was so mad and frustrated. Mr. N., of course, made it look effortless, and went on to working on jump spin hook kicks. It was like rubbing salt into the wound.

I limped out to get some water at one point in the lesson and caught Fiona's eye, who was lounging at the side of the class, waiting for mine to end. "I hate this," I groused to her. "I feel so old."

She gave me a hug. "You're not old," she said.

I'm older than every single person in this dojo right now. I thought. Even Sensei's younger than me. And then I had to admit to myself, And yeah, how many people your age are even attempting karate? Give yourself credit for that.

pazlazuli gave me a great suggestion for working on the spin hook kick: start by doing a back leg round kick, first, and then the momentum will help carry me through the spin hook. And Mr. N. offered a good tip, too: he told me to try it grasping my lapel with my trailing hand. I tried it and it helped--he'd noticed that I dropped my hand and consequently let my upper body lurch downward on the turn, and that was throwing me off. He has offered me lots of helpful tips--I guess, being a black belt, he has experience teaching. It makes me feel even worse about envying him so desperately when he's so nice to me.

When Fiona and I went out to the car after class, I sat in the driver's seat and cried a little bit. Fiona reassured me again, telling me that she didn't get comfortable with spin kicks until she was a single black stripe. That helped, a little. I thought about it as I drove home. I'm a brown belt. I'm forty-eight years old, and I'm feeling it. Remember, too, that I'm also the mother of two karate students who have all the advantages of higher rank, youth and greater flexibility. No wonder I get envious. I'm trying really, really hard to become a strong, fast, flexible, powerful athlete. I know I'm much, much better than I was, and I'm in so much better shape than most people my age. I guess it's an indication that I want it so much, that I'm really dedicated and competitive, that I'm sometimes so disatisfied with where I'm at.

I'm working on it.

Comments

[nmsunbear.livejournal.com]

My experience with physical endeavors - Tai Chi, volleyball, disc golf - is always that the better I get the more dissatisfied I am with myself. I rise one step but aim my gaze up two or three.

I've never gotten very good at any of those things. I wonder if that double-timing of desire over achievement ever goes away?

[flourish.livejournal.com]

This really makes me want to post about taekwondo... and believe me - there's always a spinning hook kick on the horizon that you just can't master. No matter how young or how advanced you are.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to sympathize with that feeling-old thing; at most Minn-Stf events, unless dsgood is around, I'm the oldest person there!

As for feeling dissatisfied with where you're at, even if it's good: I doubt that I know anyone of a certain age who doesn't have something they're good at, maybe very good at, and still feel that they aren't where they should be or want to be. There's always someone better. I'm sure that you're someone's "she's so much better..."

[haloquin.livejournal.com]

Like you say, you're doing well just to be doing it!!! And you're a brown belt, thats good in itself. (I'm personally jealous you're doing karate... I'm waiting for my back to finally heal so I can get back to martial arts, and I'm hoping I'll find a karate class again then!)

Worth bearing in mind (which I'm sure you know) as females we have looser ligaments than the guys, hips which won't quite stay put, and a tendency for all that to be increased during monthly-bleeding (stupid hormones, why make the ligaments even looser then?!) They are at a natural advantage, so for you to be where you're at is damn good... especially at 48, after 2 kids, and with a hip injury! Go You!

[dd-b.livejournal.com]

You're not going to be the equal of somebody who's physically able, started young, worked hard, and kept at it. It's just like that.

You *are* going to keep getting better at it for quite a while, if you keep working at it. And when, eventually, you get old enough that you're not getting better, you'll still be a lot better, and a lot more fit, than you would have been if you hadn't tried.

My suggestion is that, while it'd be stupid to pretend the first wasn't true, focusing your attention on the second is more comfortable and more productive.

Most of the value of taking karate is the ongoing process, isn't it?

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I've ever told you this story, but several years ago my sister was working on setting up her backyard gargen, and spent most of the afternoon dragging around some pretty heavy railroad ties. Just about as she was going to finish she remembered it was her birthday. "Not bad," she thought to herself, "for a fifty year old broad..."

Also, and this might not help you as much as it did me, but I thought it very interesting that none, none of the working Sign Language Intrepreters--no matter how good they were--were happy with their signing skills...

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

How many times has that happened before in your house, the daughter comforting mom?

That's a turning point in a relationship. She is growing up.

[irinaauthor.livejournal.com]

I don't know much about karate, but it sounds like you're doing an amazing job. It's such a difficult discipline, and you've already come so far in it, and you're working so hard. It'll come.

I'm always afraid I'm going to throw my hip out because of the problem I have with my hip ligaments

Have you ever heard of yin yoga? While most yoga works your muscles, you do yin yoga with cold muscles so your joints do all the stretching and strengthening. I got a nice yin yoga workout from iTunes: Yin Yoga, the Essential Practice with Erin Fleming. It takes about an hour, is challenging but relaxing, and you don't have to have done yoga before. It might help with your joint flexibility. I mean, like I said, I'm not an expert or anything, but it's definitely helped me with my knee, which still gives me trouble from a gymnastics injury I got in high school.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the suggestion! I will definitely check it out. Thanks.

[redbird]

I've gotten used to the idea that I am likely, on any given day, to be the oldest person in the weight room. What matters is that I am—and you are—there, doing the stuff that I enjoy and that helps me be stronger and healthier. I'd like to have better joints, and to heal faster, but neither weight-lifting nor not weight-lifting has a visible effect on those, and the weight-lifting has other value.