Metafiction and writer's block

[pegkerr]

I have been thinking about Solveig, cautiously, in the back of my mind. Sort of watching her from the corner of my eye so that she doesn't realize I'm looking at her and skitter away. Not that I'm doing much to chase her, actually. I haven't sat down to peck at anything on the novel for over a month.

See, I think that Solveig is maddeningly elusive because she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life--well, no, she sort of knows what she wants to do with her life, but this isn't it. She wants to design lovely jewel-like houses, bungalows like they built in Minneapolis in 1910, but somehow, without really meaning to, she ended up taking an architecture job where she's designing souless shopping malls. And she has a kid and a mortgage, and she can never quite catch up with her bills, and so she feels kinda stuck in that job. It all sort of depresses her, so she doesn't like to think about it.

You see what's going on here, of course. I'm meta-channeling myself and my own life. And just like Solveig doesn't like to look at her own life and face the awful realization this is my life, which I chose by not really choosing, but by simply going along the path of least resistance, I'm the same way. Which is probably why my back brain has been balking at writing this book.

Writing as therapy. Sheesh.

I will have to visit the site next week, and that, in a way, feels like a commitment to the project. I realize that I haven't quite convinced myself that this book is going to happen. I really have lost faith in myself as a writer, and I am trying to find my way back to it, and it's not easy. And another thing blocking me is the overpowering conviction that Solveig and her life are just so overpoweringly boring that no one will want to read about her--which is, I suppose, a reflection that my own life seems overpoweringly boring to me.

So that's what I've figured out.

Sometimes insight is a real bitch.

Comments

[lizardek.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that most people think their own lives are rather boring, when others think they are much more glamorous or interesting, or full, for a variety of reasons. I just found your journal (!!) and haven't had a chance to read back and see the metamorphosis of this character or your book, but I feel confident you WILL find your way back to your writerly faith.

[pameladean]

I know what you mean about having lost faith in oneself as a writer. Our circumstances are very different, but I wanted to say that just this week, really, my book is starting to feel like a book; not cooperative, not easy, but there, present and possible. I have the opposite feeling to yours -- I feel my book is so removed from my present life, and has no modern resonance, no relevance. I think we are both being very understandably silly.

As for boredom, some things are better to read about than to live, and not just the scary and exciting ones. I've been fascinated by everything you've said about Solveig, and I would probably enjoy it if you wrote about her washing the dishes, or not washing them.

Pamela

[ari-o.livejournal.com]

Wow, I always imagined that if I finished my novel and got it published it would dispell some of the doubts I have about my writing. But that isn't true I see.

I'm really struggling right now with everything - and although tis crappy that you are struggling with stuff too - the solidarity is sort of comforting. I guess its just part of the process - and part of being human.

Well, that sounds dumb - but I hope you know what I mean.

[red-queen.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about the path of least resistance. I turned 40 this Fall, and hated it. Hated it because this is not where I wanted to be at 40. And part of why I'm here is that I spent a few years acting like a passenger in my life. Well, who did I think was driving?? Sigh.

You *have* chosen parts of your life. You wrote a book, a good one, and followed it through to publication. That's no small thing -- especially when you're doing it while having A Life and Family. (If you've written 2 books, forgive me -- I only know (and have read and liked very much)The Wild Swans. And you do have A Family. Children don't appear without being chosen (for the most part, at least with folks in our socioeconomic niche, many exceptions possible). And you're raising them according to your values (music and books!), again, something you have to choose to do.

Insight is a bitch, but the puppies are cute. Hang on to what you've learned, and use it. (Which is what I'm trying like Hell to do, myself, with at best intermittent success, in case I sound patronizing. I don't mean to -- you've touched on an issue I've been unhappy about myself, that's all.)

[bohemianspirit.livejournal.com]

this is not where I wanted to be at 40

Me neither, at least that was my reaction at the time (October '03). When I turned 30, I thought by now I would have published my first book. ;-) Can't remember if I was yet an aspiring novelist, or if I was still thinking I'd focus on nonfiction.

On the bright side, though, I looked back at what I did accomplish: I raised my son. I supported my son. I had many adventures in the Corporate World that will surely provide fodder for future writing. And I wrote. And wrote. And wrote. And developed my craft. No comparison between where I was at 30 and where I am at 40.

I also take inspiration from all of the people who seem to bloom after 40. Sometimes people, like wine and cheese, take time to "ripen" into their finished product.

What inspired me most was an article on my church's web site about a woman who turned 80 on the day I turned 40. I looked at that, and looked at what she had to say about her life so far, and about how she isn't done yet by a long shot, and I realized, "Karyn, you twit, you're sitting here moaning about how you haven't done everything in the first 40 years of your life, when maybe the first 40 years was for laying the groundwork for the second 40 years."

Considering that one grandmother is in her mid-80's and the other is about to turn 92, it's reasonable to expect I've got a few more years in which to accomplish my life's work. ;-) And if not, there's not a thing I can do about it, so, like St. Francis in his garden, I just keep working at it.

[demarazare.livejournal.com]

I am by no means a professional writer, but I can sympathize about the difficulty of the meta-projects. I usually write (and read) fantasy for a good adventure away from my own little reality, or write characters who are so unlike me that they're quite safe to work with. My latest project is, like yours, a little closer to home - and it's scary. Even though my character isn't outwardly exactly like me, there's something about working with him that feels, sometimes, like I'm writing in a diary and sharing my most awful secrets, knowing that whatever I write is going to end up on display. My dirty laundry for everyone to see. And what's worse is the thought that, yes, someone will think it's boring, trivial, stupid - and that will be my life indirectly commented on.

I had one of these stories workshopped recently - it was the most nervewracking crit I've ever had, despite the fact that it was well-received. But you know what? There's something really satisfying in it, too. My other stories are fun, but this is a piece of me. It's the most difficult project I've ever worked on, but as I complete each piece, it feels worth it.

I really think you'll hit this point too; it's okay to doubt and I think, unless you're working on a strict deadline, it's okay to have bad times when you want to set it aside. You're a really good writer, though, and I don't think your life is boring - I don't even know you personally and I've been reading your livejournal for over six months now, a format where you're not even trying to entertain. So... though I'm not really qualified to give you, a real Author, advice on this, I think you'll get through this and it will be great.

[sternel.livejournal.com]

::sidles in slowly::

well, for what it's worth, I was fascinated by everything you read for us at Nimbus, and I've been quietly cheering you from my sideline here. maybe Solveig's life isn't that exciting, but hey, mine's not really all that newsworthy either. but it's not architecture, and i don't have a kid -- or a mortgage, either, for that matter. so it's still something new, and different.

and from everything you've let us see so far, can i assume that Solveig will not *always* be working on malls? the journey to wherever she's going is why i read, you know -- perhaps Solveig's new place will be equally unexciting (or perhaps not?), but it'll no doubt be *different,* and watching her go from point A to point B is the truly interesting part.

-Abbie, waving her "Go Peg" flag

PS -- out of curiosity, what does "Solveig" translate out to in English? I don't know any scandanavian languages, but I'm guessing something about "sun journey" -- am i completely off the mark?

*hugs*

[anya-writer.livejournal.com]

And hindsight is a pain in the ass.

Anya

[vass]

I have a prediction.

This book will be harder to write than anything you've done so far, and also better. I look forward to reading it.

[jbru.livejournal.com]

Well, if Solveig's life is as interesting as yours, there will be lots of interesting stuff to read about. Look back at how you burbled about visiting your family; if Solveig's like you, she must have some of that in her as well. Maybe her day-to-day isn't exciting, but then is anyone's? And, hey, your life can't be all that boring if you've raised such wonderful daughters, right?

[blackholly.livejournal.com]

Actually, Solvieg sounds fascinating to me. I think there are very few people that don't sometimes feel buried under the weight of their obligations or like they've gone off the rails of their life. There is nothing boring at all about that feeling.

I think your book sounds beautiful and I can't wait to see more of it.

[bohemianspirit.livejournal.com]

she sort of knows what she wants to do with her life, but this isn't it. She wants to design lovely jewel-like houses, bungalows like they built in Minneapolis in 1910, but somehow, without really meaning to, she ended up taking an architecture job where she's designing souless shopping malls. And she has a kid and a mortgage, and she can never quite catch up with her bills, and so she feels kinda stuck in that job. It all sort of depresses her, so she doesn't like to think about it.

You're not just writing about yourself. You're writing about the quiet despair of the American corporate worker in the early 21st century.

Maybe you're writing the Gatsby of our era. ;-)

Take heart. It sounds like you're on a good track; it's just going to take time and a fair amount of walking to pursue it to its conclusion. But I'm liking the sounds of how this is deepening.

[wintercreek]

Just wanted to stick my nose in and say a few things.

I finally got around to reading The Wild Swans; my thoughts are here on my LJ if you're interested.

What I wanted to say with regard to that post, having just finished reading a piece of your work, is that it seems to me that the great strength of your writing is in your characters. You say here that you are afraid that Solveig and her life are just so overpoweringly boring that no one will want to read about her - I say don't worry about that. Trust in your ability to bring Solveig to life in a way that will make your readers care for and about her. I loved Elias and Sean because they were real, not because they were super-human or because they were living perfect lives. I believe that Solveig will be just as real, in her own way, and just as compelling.

Of course, all this is easy for me to say as I'm not the one trying to write the book. ;)

[wintercreek]

with regard to this post

I need to go to bed.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow, what a tribute. Thanks so much. As you know, I've been feeling quite lost about my writing, but reading a tribute like this really helps, and is a real gift; it says that yes, what I'm trying to say is getting across. Praise like that is worth its weight in rubies.

Gratefully,
Peg

[avengangle.livejournal.com]

She wants to design lovely jewel-like houses, bungalows like they built in Minneapolis in 1910, but somehow, without really meaning to, she ended up taking an architecture job where she's designing souless shopping malls.

Okay, just last week I read a romance novel (I'm trying to write one, see romancenovel, or don't) with a similar idea (she's designing tacky ski lodge-shopping mall things when she wants to be a mural painter or something) and her solution was to marry a guy who does restoration for a living, and move to San Antonio (from, like, Denver?), which isn't really a solution at all, obviously, so I know Solveig's will be much better.

[lcohen]

the irony here is that i've been reading about your life for at least a year now and finding it fascinating because you make everything so vivid in the way you write. you're a wonderful writer, peg--i noticed it the first time i read your journal before i even knew that you were actually a published author.

*hugs of encouragement* i so look forward to reading this book!