Frivolity and vanity

[pegkerr]

I am contemplating my hair with a mixture of fondness, dissatisfaction, and exasperation. My hair is quite long, almost waist length, which is rather unusual for a forty-plus year old woman. Who works in a law office, no less. I gave up perming it years ago, reasoning that I should learn to love my hair for what it is, not make it what it is not. I have worn it long most of my life. Occasionally, every four or five years, I will give it a drastic chin length chop, but then I'll start growing it right back. It's very easy: I just wash it and let it air dry. I don't even own a hair dryer. I don't have bangs. I don't like the touch of hair on my face, and my forehead (even in my forties) is so oily that they would be greasy strings. I've put it up various ways during my life, braided it, used hair sticks. For the last year or so, I've resorted to the easiest possible solution: I comb it back severely and bind it in a hair twistie. Very simple.

And, I've become forced to admit, looking at recent photographs of myself, rather unflattering. Stark. Maybe it's just age, I think critically, staring at those photographs and feeling fretful. Or is it the hairstyle? Sure, it's easy, but I hear a small whisper inside myself say, am I really that ugly?

I've always had a vague feeling that my keeping my hair long, I was in a way registering a sort of protest. My long hair is part of who I am. I am resisting corporate sausage-making by keeping it long. Other women over thirty may chop their hair off, maybe diminishing of their sexuality, but not me, by gum. But I look at those photographs and think, if that's what I'm protesting, it's not working very well.

Is it time to really give my mental self-image a shock, shake myself up? Can I accept new images of myself? Get it cut short like Kij and make it spike up with gel, cut it shoulder length, but in layers, with maybe a purple streak? Or what? (And if I have to get it cut more often, where the hell would I get the money in my airtight budget?)

So I stare at photos and fret. I don't have an answer yet.

Comments

Re: That is GREAT!

[kayre]

I share quite a lot of this, though I've got bangs. I have succumbed to the culture in one way-- I use a semi-permanent dye to keep the color bright. (It covers gray, but really, I could live with the gray if the hair that's still brown hadn't gotten so dull.)

Anyway, what I've found is that keeping my hair a bit shorter-- around bra-strap length-- is more flattering than anything longer. It's still long enough to tie back or braid, but healthier, and if I leave it down it has some body. I also try to use a barrette or decorative holder rather than just a twisty.

I do know that if/when I cut it short, I'll do it in stages-- just below shoulder length for a while, then a shorter style. Abrupt changes are not for me.

If it would help, there are a lot of places on the web where you can load a picture of yourself and change the hair style and color. Take a look at your clothing, too-- maybe a color or style change there is what you need!

Truly ugly women are rare; I'm willing to bet you're not one of them. It's just time to rediscover your own type of beauty.

one more thing.....

[kayre]

... having rummaged through your icons.... no, you are NOT ugly, and you can't possibly have become ugly just because you got a bit older.

[aome.livejournal.com]

My hair is a bit like kayre's, although I don't currently have bangs (I cut them in, let them grow, cut them in, let them grow....) Instead, I have pieces cut to frame my face, starting around chin-length, and the rest is between shoulders and shoulder-blades. I used to have waist-length hair, though. Like you, I don't like hair-fuss. I've permed it and stopped, and I've changed the length (and bangs/no bangs) a bit over time as minor variations, but it has to be flexible to style and low-maintenance. I *own* a hairdryer and curling iron, but haven't used either in aeons. Although I still get bored with my hair sometimes, like kayre, I've found this to be a reasonable compromise - the face-framing bits keep it from being too severe if it's down, but it's still long enough to clip or pull back if I want, and has more body without all the weight.

However, I hate hate hate short hair on myself. I don't feel I have the face/head shape to pull it off without looking male. There are some styles I think are cute and flattering, but not for me. I don't think I'll ever succumb to the 'grown-ups must have short hair' theory - it'll probably be shoulder-length or longer forever. I've known more and more women over 30, over 40, with hair like that - I don't think you have to cut it that short if you don't want. Maybe you could leaf through some magazines in the library or newsstands, and get an idea of some styles which are out there, and see if you really *do* want to change?

BTW, how often do you get your hair cut/trimmed now? I can get by with once every 3 months or so, although I recently went 4 months because I couldn't find time.

I recall seeing at least one photo of you during a gathering, and I didn't think you were at all ugly, however.

[leiabelle.livejournal.com]

I cut my hair in September 2003 for the first time in six years. It was a bit longer than waist length, semi-curly, and becoming somewhat unmanagable. I went home for the weekend and asked my mom to chop it all off (14 inches!), and I loved the result. It felt so nice to have a different style, and it made me feel better about my looks. It's so much easier to manage this way, since I just wash and air-dry too. Now and then I want my long hair back, and I also identify with the feeling of protesting something by keeping my hair long -- I felt it made me stand out, because it's not too common even among people in their 20s. But I do like it short, and I'm even thinking about getting it cut again. Also, I sent it to Locks of Love, which some of my friends had been after me to do for years.

Go for it. Shake-ups can be a good thing. And it will grow back.

As a side note, I thought you were lovely when I met you at Nimbus. :)

Be brave, be brave

[lsanderson.livejournal.com]

Try something. Hair grows back (well, except on some o' us men).

Try James at Q-Salon by Quang's on Nicollet.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

There are some really stylish shoulder-length razor cuts now that will still give the illusion of length but give some shape, some style, frame the face nicely and can bring you into the 21st century LOL. And think of all you'll save on shampoo!

[cruisedirector]

I love long hair, on men, on women, on kids...you should do what makes you most comfortable, but I am betting you are looking at your photos with an eye that's been trained by the media, looking at pictures of Jenifer Aniston, not based on any innate notion of beauty.

[malinaldarose.livejournal.com]

That sounds a bit like me. I've had long hair most of my life, usually with bangs. At the moment, I keep my bangs cut so that they frame my eyes, and I dry them a little poofy, so that they stand out from my forehead a touch, because I swear that my face is getting more and more like it was when I was than is fair for a woman with grey in her bangs. I do use my hair dryer, though, because my hair is thick enough that it stays wet forever.

But every so often, I look at it and think longingly of the one time I had it really short (bad dye job resulted in cutting most of it off), then remember that while it was short, I wanted nothing more than for it to be long. My mental image of myself always has long, long hair. So I leave it. I figure when it all turns grey, I'll stop dying it, start braiding it and looping it around my head and start collecting cats and purple clothes.

Plus, right now, I'm letting it grow because I'm dressing up as Arwen Undomiel for Halloween....

Oh! And I've seen some really pretty hairstyles where the person wore her hair long and straight, but it was layered at the bottom -- I've contemplated that for myself.

[corinnethewise.livejournal.com]

From the pictures I've seen of you I think you're very lovely. I've had long hair most of my life, but I'm cutting it off after graduation and donating to locks of love. If you're not happy with your hair I'd try going to a stylist that you trust and trying something new. If you don't like it, the nice thing about hair is that you can cut it more or grow it back. If you're keeping your hair long because you're trying to protest, not because it's what makes you feel good then you should cut it. Protesting at the cost of your self-esteem just isn't a good thing.

[truepenny.livejournal.com]

FWIW, Peg, I think your hair is gorgeous.

Which isn't to say you shouldn't do something different if you want to, just that you shouldn't do it out of a feeling that somehow you ought to.

[tropes.livejournal.com]

Well, I've been growing my hair out after having had it about 2 inches long for three years, so. I think you look beauyiful with long hair, and maybe you ought to consider having it cut with long layers. They can grow out really nicely, they give your hair shape and texture, and you still have the basic length that lets you pull it up. One thing I'd suggest that makes it less stark: the shortest layers I have are these lip-length pieces in the front that i can tuck behind my ears or let ley near my face. They really soften my face when I pull it up, and I can always push them back if they piss me off. :)

[siriologist.livejournal.com]

I thought your long hair was striking. But I can empathize. When I moved to FL I had shoulder length hair. I had the wild idea that I'd like to finally grow it to waist length and then keep it there and be one of those grand old ladies with waist length grey hair. Then I got my Driver's licence photo with my hair pulled back and yeah it looked pretty bad. The last two years I've cut, permed let grow, cut again, etc. I went real short to get rid of the perm from hell and I'm not real fond of it this short. Shoulder or chin length is a good compromise, but I do like it long on you.

[sheryll.livejournal.com]

Not sure how helpful this will be for you, but here goes. I'm most definitely over 40. I get my hair cut about once a year, usually at the hairdressing school where I can get it done for about $10. I try to keep it just below shoulder length, as I look like hell with short hair. I tried it once when I was about 30 and couldn't wait for it to grow out. I'm lucky enough to have lots of natural wave, so I just have them cut it in layers, run some gel through it after I wash it and I'm set for a day or two. The haircut usually starts out with bangs, but they grow out rather quickly and the layered cut looks fine either way. Have been dying my hair for years. Since I was 30, in fact. But only because I got tired of the grey, which started when I was 21.

I occasionally give it a good look in the mirror and wonder, but I doubt I'll ever try short hair again, regardless of my age.

I've seen pictures of you. I most certainly don't think you look old. You look younger than me by years. :)

[lcohen]

you have beautiful hair and a beautiful face.

you might try pulling some of it back into a barrette and letting the rest go to get more shape and variety of length. (i am not describing that very well--take the top and sides into the barette as though you were making a ponytail but let the underneath part stay out of the clip.)

will you be at wiscon? do you want to play around with things to do with long hair that will be softer around your face?

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I won't be at Wiscon, alas. No money in the budget.

I do occasionally wear barrettes, but it looks the same: too starkly pulled back.

[avengangle.livejournal.com]

Admittedly, I'm only 21, but I've got hair to (or past, depending on when my last haircut was) my waist. People get frightened every three days that I've cut it, because sometimes when my hair is in my coat, it looks shortish.

So you could put your hair inside your coat and see what it looks like short. :)

Personally, my hair's long in resistance of the idea that everyone needs to have hair the same length (just below shoulders), the same cut (layered), and the same color (brownish with blondish streaks). (Otherwise known, as someone else sort of said, as Jennifer Aniston's haircut.) (Well, okay, I like having long hair, too.)

The other way to put it up that's quick and easy are those hair-claw clip things. They run like 3 for $5 at the grocery store; they come in two useful sizes (big and enormous), and while they're a bit out of fashion at this point, they're pretty versatile. You can put all of your hair into a bun and use it to secure the end; you can do a sort of faux-chignon idea; you can do something resembling a French twist; you can put half your hair up (if it's thick enough, which mine isn't really); etc. And you can just crunch it all into one big mess and stuff it into one of the enormous clips, if you do it right.

Sometimes just a change like that helps.

[sternel.livejournal.com]

hm.
the first time i saw you at Nimbus was during Philip Nel's session and I have to admit I was surprised; you didn't fit my mental image at all. At the end of the session, I figured out why. You'd had your hair pulled back, and I couldn't see the ponytail; all I could see from where I was sitting was one very tightly coiffed head, which completely clashed with the image I had of you.
The moment you started wandering around with your hair loose, you looked much more like yourself. (Yes, considering I hardly know you that's certainly an odd statement to make, I know).
Leave your hair down more! I am terribly jealous of that hair -- I can't grow mine that long, it'd be nothing but split ends everywhere, and so I simply long for length from afar. Even if you end up cutting it, let it loose! It's too pretty to keep bound up in ponytails all the time.
But then, this is just my two Knuts.

[sundancekid.livejournal.com]

My recommendation is the same as a lot of other people's: layers. I have very fine hair, and I've been growing it out for the past two years (with the exception of two trims to get rid of the split ends), but the layers a) make it look thicker and b) make it softer. I can still pull it back and keep it out of my face, but sometimes the shortest layers will come out and wisp around my face.

Another thing I do is part my hair on the side and then put it in a ponytail at the nape of my neck. I think it looks less severe than a plain ponytail. Of course, I could be deluding myself. ;)

[blackholly.livejournal.com]

I used to have hair down to my waist. Unfortunately, it was kind of scraggly, because I'd dyed it blue and green and red (not all at once) and then back to black. The think that finally pushed me over the edge with it is that I always wore it back, very seldom down, because I had to blow-dry it if I wanted it to look nice down (probably because it was so scraggly). One day I came home from work, got off the train, got into the car with Theo and announced that he had to take me to a hairstylist right then because I wanted to chop it off.

Sometimes you just need a change. Whether that's layers or shortish hair or spikes or streaks, it'll be fun and it'll grow back if you don't like it.