Looking ahead: the screening
Aug. 18th, 2010 08:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pegkerrYesterday night was the dreaded double-black stripe class. There were three other students, all of them younger than fourteen--and me. "Today," Mr. Sidner said, "We're going to test your endurance. The screening is coming up at the end of August, and so I'm going to be looking at your readiness today on the kicking section."
Shit I thought.
The sequence goes: front kicks slow, front kicks fast, round kicks slow, round kicks fast, hook kicks (fast only), side kicks slow, side kicks fast, multiple side kicks. We always start on the left side. You switch and do the other side on each type of kick before proceeding to the next type(in other words, do all the front kicks on the left side, then switch sides, finish on the right side and switch back to start the next type).
Front kicks are easiest, round kicks are medium difficult. Hook kicks are okay since we only do them fast. Side kicks are the hardest of all. And of course, you do them at the end, when you're most tired.
The hard thing about starting on the left side is that my right leg (the supporting leg on that side) is the injured one so my balance is much, much worse. And when I am continually falling out of the kick, as I was last night, it mucks up my self-confidence, so I'm considerably rattled by the time I switch to my stronger side. You pick a point to look at in the mirror to focus on to help you keep your balance. One problem I had was I kept picking a point--but there was a young black belt in the back of the classroom who was waiting for the next class. Because he was bored and messing around, he was idly doing a bunch of distracting things. He'd step in front of my focus point and do a cartwheel. It just about drove me nuts.
I absolutely sucked. There were some kicks I just couldn't do any of them right. I couldn't keep my balance on any of them. I kept waiting for Mr. Sidner to stop the class and order me to take off my belt and give it back to him.
The kicking went on for a half an hour. Picture that...kicking for half an hour. Once we were totally exhausted, we paired up for paper kicks. Your partner holds up a piece of X-ray paper and then you do ten round kicks in a row--demonstrating the correct knee motion--hitting the paper every time. Then jump scissor kicks. Then spin hook kicks. That section lasted about ten or fifteen minutes.
Well, none of the other students were much better than me. At the end of the class Mr. Sidner gave us the little expected lecture. We should be doing slow kicks every day, etc. etc.
The thing is, I HAVE been doing slow kicks. I stood there at the end of class in the line-up line, swaying with fatigue, wanting to cry. And this was only 1/3 of what I'd be facing during the screenings. Next week we'll do karate marching basics and form. The following week we'll do pad kicks and sparring.
The thought kept welling up: I can't do this.
Mr. Sidner tells me I can do it. Fiona (who has been teaching at the dojo this summer and so is used to seeing and evaluating students) tells me I can do this. But I still really don't believe it myself. And, Mr. Sidner has told me, that's the toughest thing for adults to get around to get the black belt. Not the physical requirements, but the mental state of mind you have to have, the determination, the refusal to give up.
But I honestly don't know if I can. Last night I felt as if it were hopeless.
I drove home, fighting tears. Besides the balance issue, I need more endurance, I thought. So even though I was exhausted, I put on running clothes and went out for a jog.
Note: I hate running. I mean, I hate hate HATE running. I've tried several times to develop the habit but despite diligent attempts I've never gotten past the point where I loathe it. But I jogged (extremely slowly) eight blocks and then came home again, walking almost as fast.
I don't know what it's going to take to get me through this. I haven't figured it out yet.
But it's really hard.
Delia told me last night she honestly didn't think she could get her black belt either. "But you were so good," I told her rebelliously. And she was. Her kicks were the wonder of the school. "You're so much better than me."
She sighed. "Being better than someone else isn't the point. It's just about being the best that you can be."
True. I just don't know whether the best than I can be is good enough for a black belt. Right now it isn't.
I don't know what to do to get myself to the point that it is. And I'm having a tough time visualizing whether I can get there at all.
Shit I thought.
The sequence goes: front kicks slow, front kicks fast, round kicks slow, round kicks fast, hook kicks (fast only), side kicks slow, side kicks fast, multiple side kicks. We always start on the left side. You switch and do the other side on each type of kick before proceeding to the next type(in other words, do all the front kicks on the left side, then switch sides, finish on the right side and switch back to start the next type).
Front kicks are easiest, round kicks are medium difficult. Hook kicks are okay since we only do them fast. Side kicks are the hardest of all. And of course, you do them at the end, when you're most tired.
The hard thing about starting on the left side is that my right leg (the supporting leg on that side) is the injured one so my balance is much, much worse. And when I am continually falling out of the kick, as I was last night, it mucks up my self-confidence, so I'm considerably rattled by the time I switch to my stronger side. You pick a point to look at in the mirror to focus on to help you keep your balance. One problem I had was I kept picking a point--but there was a young black belt in the back of the classroom who was waiting for the next class. Because he was bored and messing around, he was idly doing a bunch of distracting things. He'd step in front of my focus point and do a cartwheel. It just about drove me nuts.
I absolutely sucked. There were some kicks I just couldn't do any of them right. I couldn't keep my balance on any of them. I kept waiting for Mr. Sidner to stop the class and order me to take off my belt and give it back to him.
The kicking went on for a half an hour. Picture that...kicking for half an hour. Once we were totally exhausted, we paired up for paper kicks. Your partner holds up a piece of X-ray paper and then you do ten round kicks in a row--demonstrating the correct knee motion--hitting the paper every time. Then jump scissor kicks. Then spin hook kicks. That section lasted about ten or fifteen minutes.
Well, none of the other students were much better than me. At the end of the class Mr. Sidner gave us the little expected lecture. We should be doing slow kicks every day, etc. etc.
The thing is, I HAVE been doing slow kicks. I stood there at the end of class in the line-up line, swaying with fatigue, wanting to cry. And this was only 1/3 of what I'd be facing during the screenings. Next week we'll do karate marching basics and form. The following week we'll do pad kicks and sparring.
The thought kept welling up: I can't do this.
Mr. Sidner tells me I can do it. Fiona (who has been teaching at the dojo this summer and so is used to seeing and evaluating students) tells me I can do this. But I still really don't believe it myself. And, Mr. Sidner has told me, that's the toughest thing for adults to get around to get the black belt. Not the physical requirements, but the mental state of mind you have to have, the determination, the refusal to give up.
But I honestly don't know if I can. Last night I felt as if it were hopeless.
I drove home, fighting tears. Besides the balance issue, I need more endurance, I thought. So even though I was exhausted, I put on running clothes and went out for a jog.
Note: I hate running. I mean, I hate hate HATE running. I've tried several times to develop the habit but despite diligent attempts I've never gotten past the point where I loathe it. But I jogged (extremely slowly) eight blocks and then came home again, walking almost as fast.
I don't know what it's going to take to get me through this. I haven't figured it out yet.
But it's really hard.
Delia told me last night she honestly didn't think she could get her black belt either. "But you were so good," I told her rebelliously. And she was. Her kicks were the wonder of the school. "You're so much better than me."
She sighed. "Being better than someone else isn't the point. It's just about being the best that you can be."
True. I just don't know whether the best than I can be is good enough for a black belt. Right now it isn't.
I don't know what to do to get myself to the point that it is. And I'm having a tough time visualizing whether I can get there at all.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-08-18 03:03 pm (UTC)But, it is possible. I believe it is possible for you. I don't really know - I haven't ever seen you do karate. But I know you, and I believe it is.
Slow kicks are the hardest thing of all to do (although slow hook kicks are harder than anything; I'm not surprised you don't do those slow!) and you should be proud of even being able to do one, or of even being willing to try. Side kicks suck, and a sports injury can kill anyone's ability to do them. One of my friends got her hip replaced at 40 purely so that she could return to competition (she would never make the national team if she couldn't improve her side kicks; she couldn't do that without a new hip). Now that's craziness. This is a woman who's been internationally ranked since she was a teen. If SHE could be put out of it by a sports injury, how much more so the rest of us?
But that doesn't mean you won't do well enough for a black belt. If those things are giving you so much trouble, keep working on them - but work triply hard on everything else. You need to be capable all around, but being truly wonderful at something else will help (and will also keep your mind off the things that you can't do, or the things you find difficult to do). Many black belts, at least in my experience, focus primarily on one thing. Maybe get more into your hands. Make your hand strikes the wonder of the dojo. You CAN do that; that's not even a question. And, I bet, when you start seeing yourself as very successful in one area, you'll feel less like it's a losing battle in the areas you find more difficult.
I don't know. That's just my thought, and maybe it won't work for you; but it's well-intentioned, anyway.