pegkerr | Happiness

I took a walk today across the Stone Arch Bridge during lunch. The weather was beautiful: just on the edge between cool and warm, and breezy enough to be comfortable. I had my new PDA in my pocket, loaded with tunes. The breeze rifled my short snazzy haircut. I listened to Peter Mayer's "Holy Now" and thought yes, yes, that's it, that's it exactly.

I felt something sweet welling up inside of me, and I pondered it as I walked. I was happy. I am very happy, and I've been feeling this way for, oh, about a month. Since the great dumpster project, when I reclaimed my house. Was that the cause? Or was it the exercise program that has really gotten into a groove, or the new haircut, or the stage the girls are at now, or the fact that I'm at least starting to think about the book again? Who knows? I've fought depression for thirty-four years, and in the years since I've discovered medication, the best I could do for long stretches of time was to at least be not un-happy, and that state of being for me was rare enough to be grateful for, when it came around. That's the state I've been in the last four or five years, I think.

But right now, I'm really and truly happy, and I have managed it for more than a moment, more than a day. It feels like my state of being. It feels like a blessing, like a miracle.

I'm in my forties, and right now, it feels like the very best time of my life.