Yay for Kij

Everyone go congratulate my best friend, Kij Johnson (gorgeous photo, no?) (kijjohnson) whose novel Fudoki was just shortlisted for the Tiptree award.

*Happy sigh* All that talent, and beauty, too.

George Bailey and the Building & Loan

I've been thinking v. hard this morning about George Bailey.

It's all very well to say, "George, George, you must be true to yourself without feeling guilty about it. Don't worry about what others might think. You can't do everything, after all! Go off and be happy; build your suspension bridge, and don't worry about that little ol' Building & Loan."

Well, what about the Building & Loan? What about the money at stake, what about the people counting on that organization? Without George, why, can't you see that everything would fall apart? What can George Bailey do when there is nobody else who can step right in and do the job that he's been trying to do--even if he feels like he's a failure at it already?

For most areas of my life, I've always been just about the most responsible person in the room. It's just always worked out that way, and so people have come to count on me. All that is ever needed to be said is, "This job needs to get done and there's no one else to do it," and you can bet I'm your woman; I'll step forward and take on the burden. It's what I've always done. Repeatedly, I couldn't see any other choice.

I took on a responsibility, and it turned out to be, oh, five to ten times as big a task as I realized it would be. It's absolutely nobody's fault. I've done my best; I've given it more than I expected I would give--but still less than the job needs. It's not good enough. Partly the problem is that it's baffling to me to realize that I can't do it. Why, I always do what I've promised I'd do! How can I abdicate my responsibility like that? It's almost as if I don't recognize myself, as This Person Who Is Going To Let Everyone Down. How can I live with myself and do that?

And if I stop and say, "I can't do this," then I fear the consequences. Right now I can't see that there is anyone else to take on my role. Which makes the consequences if I step away my fault. Because, you see, I'm the responsible one. I always was, and I always will be. Even when I can't be. When you're always the responsible one, failure cuts even more deeply.