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Today's discovery
Feb. 13th, 2008 11:42 amMeredith Brooks' song "Bitch" is an excellent one for practicing horseback riding punches.
Feb. 13th, 2008
"Put Down the Hammer"
Feb. 13th, 2008 12:24 pmSaw this in ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lemonlye's journal and thought it funny enough to cross-post.
[lemonlye said:] (Got this in email. It appears to be real, and even if it isn't, it's still funny.)
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Edited to add: Yes, she is real. And she has a blog. The letter was originally posted there.
Edited to add again: Her blog is funny. I've set up a syndicated feed:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-syndicated.gif)
wendi_aarons.
lemonlye's journal and thought it funny enough to cross-post.[
lemonlye said:] (Got this in email. It appears to be real, and even if it isn't, it's still funny.)This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Edited to add: Yes, she is real. And she has a blog. The letter was originally posted there.
Edited to add again: Her blog is funny. I've set up a syndicated feed:
wendi_aarons.
Here it is. I can't believe they left off The Shining, Moulin Rouge, Bullets Over Broadway and most of all, my all time favorite, Romancing the Stone:
"Joan Wilder? THE Joan Wilder?! I read your books! I read all your books!!!"
What movies would you add to the list?
"Joan Wilder? THE Joan Wilder?! I read your books! I read all your books!!!"
What movies would you add to the list?
The girls and I went to the church soup supper tonight. I sat down at the long table across from Fiona with my plate and started eating.
"I lost the Game," she said pensively, staring out into space.
"What game is this?" I asked.
"It's the Game."
"How did you lose it?"
"By thinking of it."
My eyebrows went up. She smiled. "See, the point of the Game is to get as many people playing it as possible."
"How do you win it?"
"You don't. There is no way to win the Game. You can only lose the Game. Whenever you think of it, you say aloud, 'I've lost the Game.' And that reminds everyone around you of the Game, and then they've lost the Game, too. And then everyone has a half hour in which they try to forget all about. And that's it--until the next time you remember it." She smiled at me.
I thought this over and laughed a little. "Teenagers."
"Yeah. All my friends are playing it now."
"But now that you've told me about it . . ." I said slowly.
She smiled even more broadly. "Yeah, exactly. You're playing the Game now, too."
I started to laugh. I laughed harder and harder. "And since I've thought of it, now I've lost the Game."
choralgirl sat down next to me. "Lost what game?" she asked.
Fiona and I looked at her. And smiled. "Well, you see," I said to her, "the point of the Game is to get as many people playing it as possible . . . "
(You do realize what this means, friends list? Yes. You are now all playing the Game.)
"I lost the Game," she said pensively, staring out into space.
"What game is this?" I asked.
"It's the Game."
"How did you lose it?"
"By thinking of it."
My eyebrows went up. She smiled. "See, the point of the Game is to get as many people playing it as possible."
"How do you win it?"
"You don't. There is no way to win the Game. You can only lose the Game. Whenever you think of it, you say aloud, 'I've lost the Game.' And that reminds everyone around you of the Game, and then they've lost the Game, too. And then everyone has a half hour in which they try to forget all about. And that's it--until the next time you remember it." She smiled at me.
I thought this over and laughed a little. "Teenagers."
"Yeah. All my friends are playing it now."
"But now that you've told me about it . . ." I said slowly.
She smiled even more broadly. "Yeah, exactly. You're playing the Game now, too."
I started to laugh. I laughed harder and harder. "And since I've thought of it, now I've lost the Game."
choralgirl sat down next to me. "Lost what game?" she asked.Fiona and I looked at her. And smiled. "Well, you see," I said to her, "the point of the Game is to get as many people playing it as possible . . . "
(You do realize what this means, friends list? Yes. You are now all playing the Game.)