"Put Down the Hammer"

[pegkerr]

Saw this in lemonlye's journal and thought it funny enough to cross-post.

[lemonlye said:] (Got this in email. It appears to be real, and even if it isn't, it's still funny.)

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin, TX

Edited to add: Yes, she is real. And she has a blog. The letter was originally posted there.

Edited to add again: Her blog is funny. I've set up a syndicated feed: wendi_aarons.

Comments

[swords-and-pens.livejournal.com]

Yup, that's on the way to the wife's in-box. :)

[mjryan.livejournal.com]

That is brilliant.

[pennswoods.livejournal.com]

Love the F-16 line.

*small voice*

I find the wishes for a happy period kind of cute and well-meaning. I wish for a happier period too.

[gwyneira.livejournal.com]

That made me laugh and laugh, which is no small accomplishment on a day when I have horrible menstrual cramps and many errands to run. Thanks for posting it. :)

[aeditimi.livejournal.com]

*wiping tears of laughter*

It seems a bit extreme, but then again, I believe her when she says her period is about to start!

[splagxna.livejournal.com]

brilliant.

She's real.

[amandageist.livejournal.com]

And she has a blog. Which I have *got* to stop reading at work because I'm laughing out loud and making people look at me funny.

Here: http://wendi-aarons.blogspot.com/2007/03/as-seen-on-mcsweeneysnet.html

That link is to this particlar entry, but the rest are very good, too.

~Amanda

Re: She's real.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I've added the link to the post.

Re: She's real.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

And I've set up a feed to her blog: wendi_aarons.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

That is pretty funny, even to someone (me) who never found periods to be much more than an inconvenience.

I think the Always people somewhat redeem themselves by their program to help girls' education in Africa.

[dreamshark.livejournal.com]

It's well-written and funny, but I totally don't relate. The biggest problem I ever had with monthly distress was PMS, which GOES AWAY when the period starts. So for me, periods were a very happy event. Cramps weren't a big issue, but even when I had 'em it was trivial compared to being depressed.

Also, I would never stop using the product that worked best for my comfort because of a cosmetic issue. In fact, that seems so moronic that I like to believe that this particular woman was just saying that for effect and was actually continuing to use the winged maxi pads in secret.

On the other hand, all other factors being equal, I might be MORE likely to use a product (any product, really) that bore a message like "Put down the hammer" or "Careful with that axe, Eugene." I'd certainly choose it over "Have a happy.... "

[rutemple.livejournal.com]

hee!

That. is Fabulous.

[malinaldarose.livejournal.com]

That is exactly how I felt the first time I saw the "have a happy period" message. I was even working up to a good rant on the subject, but she beat me to it. And much more humorously, too.

[bibliotrope.livejournal.com]

Another reason to be glad I've reached menopause, I think. I can remember several periods that were not happy at all! (Though one had a happy result nonetheless. I decided to read the serial that had been running in Analog. It was Barrayar. Which led me into reading all of Lois' stuff, and eventually into fandom.)

[mayakda.livejournal.com]

That was awesome.
My dr says I probably have endo and the pain during periods is truly horrible and comparable to labor.

[weaselmom.livejournal.com]

And what is up with the product packaging that has a white background with a big, red, abstract...splotch...supposedly representing a flower? Dude, I'm using your product to AVOID getting big, red, abstract splotches on my white background. Are all these marketing departments headed up by clueless men? Listen, I want a product called "AbsorbMaster 9000" or something with a picture of, I don't know, a desert. Inspire a little confidence here.

[avengangle.livejournal.com]

I yell at the "Have a happy period!", too . . . Confuses my boyfriend, but he was at least raised by a woman who had no compunctions against telling him, "Girls get periods. They may or may not get bitchy once a month. Unless you're gay, you're going to have to deal with it pretty intimately for the next forty or fifty years. Get over it."

I also didn't like my pantiliners telling me to drink more water and get some exercise, because although both things could help with cramps, I'd rather not be lectured by disposable products.

[weaselmom.livejournal.com]

I'd rather not be lectured by disposable products.

Oh, word. WORD. Why can't my pantiliners tell me to drink more vodka and lie on the couch with a heating pad? (Because frankly, when I get home tonight, that's what I'm going to do anyway.)

Hmm. I get pretty het up on this topic.

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

Speaking as a gay man I just want to tell you about the time, about 25 years back when I was living with a couple of roomates. I was finishing up in the bathroom, noticed a box of pads, and then thought, "Oh yeah... There are people who have to used these on a regular basis.

Kinda like the time I shaved one of my legs just to see what it felt like...

[avengangle.livejournal.com]

Just one leg? That must have felt kind of weird. :)

I used to live down the street from some competitive (male) cyclists. At eight I thought it was pretty strange that they shaved their legs.

[lemonlye.livejournal.com]

Edited to add again: Her blog is funny. I've set up a syndicated feed: wendi_aarons.

Cool. Great idea. Glad you enjoyed it!

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

I thought it was going to be a complaint letter about that superglue they're suing for adhesive these days.

K.