Putting the big rocks in first--only which ones???

[pegkerr]

I am trying to figure out which rocks I should put in first.

I have been thinking about this all weekend. I never got around to what I had planned to do at all on Saturday. My plan to work on another project on Sunday got sidetracked by the Awful Discovery in Church.

I mentioned, of course, the good news I got about Kij and Jo, and I'm so glad for them, but naturally the news made me think of my own book. I did write a scene this week, but other than that haven't touched it in months.

What, really are my biggest rocks? What should they be? My day job? I don't care about it the way I do about other things in my life, but I have to pay the mortgage, and I have to provide the health insurance. I cut HPEF out of my life, or at least cut back, in one attempt to reprioritize. What about time for exercise? Trying to keep the house from caving in out of sheer chaos? My kids? I told Mom today that yeah, being a mother is important, it's very important to me, but it doesn't feel right to make it the be-all and end-all, the cornerstone of my purpose in life. What is my work, my special contribution to the work, other than I Take Care of Other People, namely my own children. Is it my writing? My sister Betsy was trying to console me for not getting much writing done. She has four boys, and they're starting to leave home now. "You have so little time with your kids," she tells me. "I was where you were at five years ago. Now I have all sorts of time. But think about it. You may have thirty or forty more years to write books. You have only five to seven more years with the girls at home."

I don't know why my thinking is so muddled, trying to figure out which rocks are the most important. I feel resentful: they're all important, so why can't I take care of all my rocks, dammit? I feel guilty for the ones that get left out. And I get angry that my jar is only so big, but there are only so many hours in the day, and it just takes so much time to do it all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the back of my mind, I can hear my friend Laurie Winter saying, "Now, Peg, repeat after me: I am not responsible for the smooth and orderly running of the universe."

Comments

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

I agree with you that caring for your own ideas and plans and dreams and desires is an important part of being happy in the world. And I agree with Betsy that the girls will be grown and gone soon and then you'll have time, but you'll miss them like crazy, and wish back these years. I don't know how to find the balance that will work for you, but I think considering the balancing act frequently and making sure you are attending to both (though not at the same time) is about the best you can do.

You already do a good job of it, as far as I can tell, from way over here.

K.

[lizw.livejournal.com]

For me, the Big Rocks are the things that make everything else easier: spirituality, Flylady (http://www.flylady.net), polyamory, vacations, and studying. If I stop doing any one of those, everything else sooner or later disintegrates as well. There may be others, but those are the ones I've learned so far.

[naomikritzer]

Ohhhhhhhh dear. Peg, stay far, far away from FlyLady. I strongly suspect that she would drive you as completely insane as she drove me. (Although who knows, maybe you'd be able to take what was useful and leave the rest. Many people can. I couldn't, so she drove me crackers.)

As for Which Rocks are the Big Rocks -- that's always the question, isn't it? I remember pondering this when I got sent to Franklin Planner training by a long-ago employer. Taking my car in for oil changes is not something I find personally rewarding. It's definitely one of the grains of sand that I tend to leave for last -- but if I don't do it, eventually my car will break down and it will cost me a ton of money. There are a lot of other things like this: they're minor annoyances, very easy to let slide, but eventually I'll wind up kicking myself if I don't take care of them. Some days I feel like I'm drowning in stuff like this.

A lot of motivational writing seems to have the moral, "If you want to climb a mountain, then go climb that mountain, and screw everyone else!" And....most motivational writing is done by men. I think these two things are related. Women know that it's more complicated than the aphorisms suggest, because even when you don't find it personally rewarding or fulfilling, SOMEBODY has to treat the head of the kid with lice, SOMEBODY has to do the laundry, pack the lunches, change the oil in the cars, pay the bills, buy the groceries, cook the food, on and on and on and on. If one member of the family is out climbing mountains, that means that SOMEONE is taking care of EVERYTHING else.

But absolutely, at the same time, your writing is a real and legitimate thing. It's perfectly reasonable to insist that everyone else in your family make space for your writing, just as you would insist that they make space for you to brush your teeth, shower, pay the bills, cook dinner, etc., etc., etc. It's not something frivolous and self-indulgent.

I think a lot of writers -- particularly women writers, and most especially women writers with children -- struggle with this. There aren't any easy or obvious answers, except to remember that playing with your kids, or reading to them, or cooking with them, or taking them for walks, are legitimate activities that we should value as much as we value paid employment, housework, and all the other things that lay urgent claim to our time. And that writing and other artistic pursuits are also legitimate activities that we should value as much as we value paid employment, housework, and all the other things that lay urgent claim to our time.

[naomikritzer]

I feel compelled to post again to apologize to the FlyLady devotees (especially lizw, since I replied to her thread). I have nothing against FlyLady, it's just that trying to follow her instructions made me crazy. My defense against the household mess is not to see it. FlyLady made everything visible to me and it started driving me absolutely bonkers. Going off the FlyWagon let me start mostly ignoring it again.

[lizw.livejournal.com]

No need for an apology. I find FlyLady helpful, but I understand why others don't.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

FlyLady drove me mad. For one thing, my husband does all the cooking; it's his domain. Damned if I'm going to make a clean sink the center of my little world, given that it's in use by an expert. (Don't get me wrong; cleaning the sink would be A Good Thing. But I'm not going to rush in and clean up the kitchen every night before bed.)

[lizw.livejournal.com]

I know people who find the clean sink idea doesn't work for them, who have chosen other areas instead. For one friend, it's clearing a particular table every day. The basic principle is to find something such that, if that thing is always clean, it motivates you to do other stuff.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

I'm angry about jar size, too. I disagree with your sister that time with yourself can be deferred. Nobody knows how much time she's going to be given. A friend of mine's mother put off teaching until her youngest child (she had four) had left school. She became too sick to teach within a couple of years, led a very bitter middle age, and died young. (Well, too young to die.)

I enjoy my children much, much more now that they're old enough to entertain themselves. When we're together, it's because we all feel like it, not because Mom's the only available stimulation. Nowadays (mine are 14 and 11), they're bringing ideas into the house, ideas I hadn't encountered before, instead of seeing the world through my explanations. It's nice. I like being surprised.

Everybody has to find her own path. I will say that Other People's Rocks aren't necessarily your rocks. You can't talk yourself out of wanting something, or make yourself want it because you know you should.

[dendrophilous.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on wanting a bigger jar. I have too many rocks (and I don't even have a family yet).

Have you ever read Julie Morgenstern's book on time management? She created example "time maps" - they're weekly schedules - for people. Looking at them made me realize how much I'm trying to do. Her writer doesn't do housework or exercise, her marathoner has no hobbies, etc.

Re: Flylady, if you are the sort that treats advice as take it or leave it, she does have some helpful tips. Most of her stuff cracks me up.

[aeditimi.livejournal.com]

Hi, I'd like to friend you, if you don't mind (when did 'friend' become a verb?). My (real life) friend dawn_came_dim recommended I read your journal since you are "a brilliant writer who ponders about parenting," and I am a nervous mom-to-be. Oh, and my husband is the chef/dishwasher/housecleaner, while I run around being Pastor.

Aeditimi Scriba

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Welcome to my journal and thanks for your comment. Congratulations on your good news! How exciting. You are certainly making a lot of changes all at once, aren't you? I understand entirely your wish to take a peek at my pondering about parenthood as you are preparing for motherhood yourself. I found it so helpful to talk to my sister when I became a mother, because she had a five years head start and could give me a lot of insight on what to expect.

I'd like to particularly recommend two books, which were the most helpful to me in preparing me for parenthood, and especially the changes in my marriage that happened when we had a baby:

When Partners Become Parents: The Big Life Change for Couples by Carolyn Pape Cowan, Philip A. Cowan

and

The Transition to Parenthood: How a First Child Changes a Marriage : Why Some Couples Grow Closer and Others Apart by Jay Belsky.

Both books were fascinating reads, gave me an immense amount of insight, and I recommend them highly.

I look forward to getting to know you better on LiveJournal.

Oh, and also

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I have grouped in my "Memories" section my LiveJournal entries having to do with my family and parenting here.