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pegkerrMr. Earbrass stands on the terrace at twilight. It is bleak; it is cold; and the virtue has gone out of everything. Words drift through his mind: ANGUISH TURNIPS CONJUNCTIONS ILLNESS DEFEAT STRING PARTIES NO PARTIES URNS DESUETUDE DISAFFECTION CLAWS LOSS TREBIZOID NAPKINS SHAME STONES DISTANCE FEVER ANTIPODES MUSH GLACIERS INCOHERENCE LABELS MIASMA AMPUTATION TIDES DECEIT MOURNING ELSEWARDS....What is is, really? I have not been writing; I have been reading too much Georgette Heyer, and it feels all of a sudden like Edmund eating too much Turkish delight. It is cold. It is dark. I have a holiday letter to write. I do not have anything to do at work. I am horribly over-educated for it anyway, and what good does all that education do me? I ask you. My attorney had me spend an hour calling different hotels because he did not like the one he is in, and then he booked a new reservation on the Internet himself. I do not feel like exercising. My back leg wheel kicks during karate class bother my knees. I have not seen Rob for days; our schedules have been incompatible lately. The bills are being paid, but they are always there, and really, I am tired of them. I feel a nagging, free-floating guilt, which retreats when I apply cognitive therapy to it, but lo, it always returns. The Republicans seem to be running my country. I do not feel like writing in my (paper) journal. My brain has descended into an alarming state of stupid lethargy, nay, torpor. My house is not clean enough to suit me, and I trip over things walking from one end of my daughters' room to the other. The top of my desk is covered with paperwork. Doubtless my children do not eat enough vegetables. I am probably not getting enough sleep. Why have I never learned to play the Gaelic fiddle? I have one more gift to buy, and I cannot think what to get. My fingers are cold. I cannot seem to get warm lately. My best friend lives too far away.
I am trying to remember the holy tree. It is difficult to remember that it is still there, but I have people who love me who assure me it's true. So go away, you ravens of unresting thought. Scram. Get outta here.
I will try not to gaze into the bitter glass. It is difficult during these dark days of December. But I will try.
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-09 07:42 pm (UTC)Hang in there. *hug*
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-09 07:42 pm (UTC)You are a good mother, a good writer, a good wife, and a good person. Everyone feels crappy at this time of year, especially those in northern climates--it is cold, it is dark, there is a year-end frenzy in almost every industry, and there are enormous stresses and expectations around the holidays.
Hang in there.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-09 07:45 pm (UTC):-D
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-09 07:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-09 08:00 pm (UTC)The year will turn.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-09 08:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-09 08:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-09 08:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-09 09:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-09 09:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 01:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-11 09:43 pm (UTC)I have since bought Turkish Delight in other places and found that it varies from place to place. I have yet to find any that rivals the stuff I bought in London.
Turkish Delight Trauma
Date: 2004-12-10 06:12 am (UTC)Turkish Delight is heartbreaking for Narnia fans everywhere.
Re: Turkish Delight Trauma
Date: 2004-12-10 12:52 pm (UTC)There's a class-action lawsuit lurking in there somewhere, or at least a good dose of retroactive karma for old Jack....
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 12:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 01:22 pm (UTC)I just had a friend tell me she likes it, though, which actually sort of relieves me, since, I mean, these book characters like it so much, so *someone* ought to like it!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 01:36 pm (UTC)On the other hand, I really love Aplets and Cotlets.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 01:50 pm (UTC)There's also a Narnia cookbook, apparently. No idea whether or not Turkish Delight is in there, or if there's a warning with the recipe....
Turkish Disapointment
Date: 2004-12-10 08:25 pm (UTC)So, what does it taste like?
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 03:55 am (UTC)Incidentally ... er ... if you don't have anything to do at work, can you get away with doing some of those *other* tasks at work? Writing the holiday letter or your paper journal or something like that? Not that I normally advocate doing lots of personal things on company time, but if there honestly isn't anything to do, you might as well make use of it somehow.
Okay, maybe a tiny bit of 'advice', which you can throw away. Someone recently suggested to me (when I was wailing about everything) to just throw the schedule and responsibility out the window for one day, and while not everything she suggested was realistic (can't take my daughter to the playground most days anymore, as it's too cold) - COULD you just chuck the cleaning and cooking and other woes for one day, go to a movie or treat yourself and the girls to ice cream or let them (and yourself) play hooky one day and stay in and read or play or draw, or walk in the park this weekend or do *something* frivolous, just for the sheer enjoyment of it and to provide a bright spot?
(Incidentally, how far away does your best friend live?)
Anyway ... hang in there. I think lots of people have been in your shoes.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 07:56 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 11:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 08:53 am (UTC)You are perfect. You are you. You seem to seek perfection in yourself. That is a very good thing. The enormity of the jobs you do and do well astounds me. It really does. Usually, though, I find you able to take that step back and laugh at yourself more than in this most recent post.
This is just an observation from reading your posts most of this year. Do with it what you wish.
I have found, however, over my sixty-three plus years, that whenever I slip and forget to laugh at myself, my world turns to worries and angst. I have also found that changing our "Christmas Letter" to a "New Year's Report" eased one of the concerns immensely. As for the gift giving and shoppiing, I do it all through the year. My only problem now is remembering where I hid away the things I selected. Still, rumaging around in my closets and storage places is much less hassle than fighting the Holiday crowds. What I haven't bought already, I purchase online and have it giftwrapped and drop shipped for those who live in other states. We also send food gifts, like gift baskets of oranges and grapefruit from the Orange Shop in Citra, Florida to our northern relative families. This makes my grandkids very happy and is a special treat for the whole family.
Today, I am off to change the locks on Mom's house and then share the latest Harry Potter DVD with Bill. I might even dig out the Christmas Tree and decorate this weekend. I wish you joy and peace for the rest of this year, and next too!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 10:52 am (UTC)Random gift idea: A lawn walrus. Okay, perhaps that's a little too random....
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 11:32 am (UTC)I love you, sweetie.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 11:36 am (UTC)*Sigh* I miss you.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-10 12:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-12 04:01 am (UTC)I just wanted to say that I love your work, and your journal and that I have so much respect for you and the honesty with which you share your life and thoughts- I can't describe how much it's meant to me to know that I'm not the only one that finds putting one word after another a challenge sometimes.
And that right now, I know exactly how you feel- or rather, you've managed to describe exactly how I'm feeling now. I don't know if it'll help, but I thought this might be a good time to say thank you- for this journal, and all your words.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-12 07:07 pm (UTC)