Brain mush

[pegkerr]

Something been obscurely bothering me: the slowly growing conviction that without really noticing it, I have allowed my brain to turn to mush.

I have been reading Between Friends: The Correspondence of Hannah Arendt and Mary McCarthy, and feeling obscurely guilty. I'm not sure whether I can quite pin down my unease, but it goes something along the lines of these women are fully engaged with thought, working to define their philosophical outlook, testing and arguing about ideas, considering the effect of political movements, history, literature, writing books. I feel like a mental midget in comparison, and I don't like the sensation. I feel as though I'm only using my brain to keep my skull bones apart.

Because of the computer fiasco, I haven't been writing. Now Rob has extracted data from the crippled hard drive and invited me to load it onto my laptop and begin working. But I don't wanna. My brain feels as though it has gone to sleep. It is difficult to write, to think, to analyze. I look out at the world with half-lidded eyes, wanting only to slither through my day with the least amount of effort. I feel only half awake. I want to veg out in the bath tub, to sleep, to stare blankly into space, thinking of nothing. To read only non-challenging garbage.

So what is it? Depression? Bad diet? A character flaw like laziness? Seasonal affective disorder? Has the day job suddenly devoured my brain after so many years? Or did I just never have any brains at all to begin with, and I'm just noticing?

Comments

[elisem.livejournal.com]

You definitely have brains. Don't fret about that part.

Are you taking enough vitamins, and has your iron been checked recently? And your thyroid levels?

It sounds organic to me, frankly. I've seen you when you've been depressed, and you haven't sounded this way. Check out the organic stuff before you start assailing yourself with accusations of character flaws, OK, dear Peg? Those are the kinds of things that slow a person down that much. I'll be thinking of you, and cheering you on.

Also, many hugs enclosed.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I actually did have a physical last week, and they actually did check my thyroid level; I'm still waiting for the results (although I've found out that my cholesterol is normal. Go me.)

[aerden.livejournal.com]

(The proofread version) :P

I think, if you want to veg out in the bathtub for a while and think of nothing--you should. I wouldn't make a habit of it, but every once in a while, your brain does need a rest.

Another thing you should consider is--these letters were written by these two women over (I presume) varying spans of time. They weren't brilliantly intelligent every single day; they had their regular lives, and there were probably days when all they did was lie on the couch and not want to do anything.

I do think that reading books like that might help stimulate you and kick your brain into gear. I once read a book of Emily Dickinson's correspondence, and, like you, I was in awe and felt totally inadequate, compared to her and the people she wrote with. But even Emily had days when she would just write about baking bread. So don't sell yourself short.

Maybe if you try giving your brain a thinking holiday--a holiday in which to think, not a holiday from thinking--it might help. Maybe a good, brisk walk alone outside, if it's clear enough?

I don't think your brain's turned to mush. Yours is one of the most interesting journals I have on my friends list, and I wouldn't think that if your mind really were Jell-o. (g)

Chantal

[tanzy.livejournal.com]

You the 3rd person I know who I've seen reference reading Hannah Arendt this week. :O

She's got some very interesting insigts and theories on how power operates, although I have to admit that her discussions of the public/private spheres seem a bit outdated and gendered.

[jbru.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you: Yes, you have no brains. We have all been humoring you all these years. Rob drew the short straw and became your husband to provide the most of the immediate supervision, but we all watch out for you to make sure you don't do anything too stupid in public. But do not fret! The fundraising for the Scarecrow Peg Project is nearing its goal and we'll be getting you a fresh brain before Spring. I know you'll be thrilled. It's the finest brain; imported from Switzerland where it's been growing on a free-range brain farm. All the brains on the farm are hand-tended and allowed to exercise freely (unlike the cheaper brains from the factory farm of Eastern Europe). It may have taken it a bit longer to reach its prime neuron mass, but the process leads to brains of the highest quality (unlike those force-fed by less-reputable growers). Relax for now, knowing that your new brain is on the way!

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Somehow, I knew it . . . .

(thanks for the laugh. I really needed one today.)

[vass]

A recent example of you being articulate and intelligent and interesting and thoughtful:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/pegkerr/370046.html

I could mention lots of past examples, but you said you were worried about suddenly going to sleep.

I think Elise is right: check the organic possibilities first. Also go with Maslow: are your basic life needs being met? Then make a safe space for your poor brain. It's probably scared you'll jump on it and start yelling 'where have you been?'

[aome.livejournal.com]

It's easy to fall into a slump, if you step away from something - particularly if the 'something' is the sort of thing you have to prod yourself into doing. (In this case I mean writing, not thinking.) I ran faithfully all summer, three times a week. I'm not a long-distance runner, but I still did 1-2 miles at a shot. In October I went to Guatemala for 5 days with a friend, and ... never picked up the running again. I was tired, I had cramps, I was busy, it started to get colder outside and I get bored on the treadmill and I just didn't wanna. Yesterday, in an attempt to burn off some of the cumulated pre-travel stress, I finally forced myself to get on the treadmill for a 10-minute jog. And - it did feel better. The first five minutes, my calves sent me hate messages, but when I was done, it felt good. Of course, now I'm about to leave the country again and will have two little girls to chase when I come back - but maybe I can make a greater effort this time, now that I'm remembering that I *do* feel better once it's done.

Anyway, the point is - you most definitely have brains, but holidays and computer problems and your crazy schedule and maybe some SAD have all legitimately gotten in your way, and it's easy to let it. But I think once the computer is fixed, if you sat down and made yourself write (or cogitate or whatever) for even half an hour, you'll find yourself getting back in the swing of things. And it's ok to take a break now and then; I know we all tend to feel like we must be conquering the world every moment of the day, but I think it's okay to enjoy the softer side of life sometimes, and to just breathe, to recharge. Who says you have to read intellectual stuff ALL the time? Yet I still see it active within you, in the well-thought-out things you say here. It's still there, in admirable levels. You can do it.

PS: Your frog came with a mini companion; I'm taking it with me as a gift for my new daughter. :)

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

Were Mary McCarthy and Hannah Arendt (who shows up a lot in the book I'm now editing) working full-time and raising kids when they had this correspondence? Did they have no paid household help? Did they have spouse/partner relationships to maintain with someone who worked a screwy schedule and had OCD?

C'mon. Very few people, male or female, are able to "do it all"--and I suspect that even they secretly have something they want to do and aren't getting done, or have something they have given up along the way.

Besides, you do have correspondence exploring ideas. It's called LJ. Maybe the ideas aren't always fully thought through and beautifully polished, but I'd bet that McCarthy's and Arendt's letters didn't originally look exactly the way they appear in the book, either--or only the few that did were picked for the book. (As a copy editor, I get to see how some Big Names in the field of philosophy really write. Hoo, boy. I can't query, "WTF?????" although I often want to, but there's a fair amount of querying along the lines of "This sentence has two contradictory verbs and no subject. Can you reword?")

All that said, I often feel the desire to do more testing and arguing regarding my ideas. J is good for this, and LJ is in a limited way, but a wider circle would be interesting. Social events at your and my mutual social circle seem to tend to small talk. It can be frustrating.

I sometimes feel intellectually guilty when I look at the pile of nonfiction books beside the bed, waiting to be read, and after a day of editing some obscure scholarly work all I want to read is a mystery. But then I remember that I did spend all those hours reading Serious stuff, and I happily veg out with the mystery.

Braaaains

[huladavid.livejournal.com]

Or did I just never have any brains at all to begin with, and I'm just noticing?


Well, if you didn't have any brains I think there'd me a lot more public drooling...

[siriologist.livejournal.com]

I think it's a bit of burn out. Look at all you do. I do a lot of the same things, but haven't added excersise to the mix. You work full time, have two kids to take care of, provide emotional support for, run to various activities. You keep the house going, do the laundry, etc. etc. etc. I bet there are not a lot of hours in the day (except at work, maybe) that you can sit and have your brain to yourself. And the hours that you might have, you are exhausted becuase you've been up since 5 am. And then when you do have an hour, there are probably 5000 projects that you think you should get started on, so guilt ensues, which is completely non-condusive to creativity.

When you do all of that, and then see others actually engaged in more intellectual pursuits, its really really natural to be overwhelmed at why you are incapable of such profoud thinking. Well, luckily people who are having those discussion have the time and energy to do that thinking. You will too, someday. Someday when your girls are grown and off in college, and you've maybe cut back to part-time work, and the house is more settled. You'll have time to think as well.

In the meantime, I've just come to accept that my brain has been hijacked and only give me a little bitty corner to think in, and usually fatigue overwhelms even that corner. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're just a typical intelligent working mom, who is a bit burnt out. Can you get away for a massage? I had one over christmas and it was wonderful. A whole hour where I didn't have to be anywhere or be anything. I didn't have to answer anyone's questions. All I did was lay there. It was just the ticket.

I'd be interested in anything you learn about thyroid function. I'm pretty low on energy myself lately and been thinkiing of getting that checked (I'm always cold too). Anyway...good luck.