Glare report: 3/2/05: Girding loins, opening the file again

[pegkerr]

With a vast reluctance, which even a decanter of sherry a la Mr. Earbrass could not overcome, I turned toward the ice palace novel again. Tonight, that simply meant trying to find and organize the various files on the new computer.

#1: my ice palace diary file is gone, replaced by just a 3-page fragment from another file. It's supposed to be about 150 pages in hard copy (fortunately I have a hard copy.) But it means an awful lot to me--it's the record (including the relevant LJ entries) of my musing about the book, thoughts for further research, plot ideas, etc. Rob is going to attempt to pull it off the hard drive of the old computer again. Otherwise, as I said, I have a hard copy. But it's not the same. Even if he finds it again, I may not be able to pull it over--it has an awful lot of html from the LJ entries, and the Windows to Mac translation may turn it into garbage.

# 2: I pull up the novel file itself and am absolutely mortified. Pitiful. The awful truth: after over two years of yammering about it in this space, the thing is only 12500 words so far.

#3: Back in October, I had promised to do a reading at Dreamhaven later this month. At the time, I had expected to have more written, since I was writing then, even acquiring a modest momentum, but then I lost my computer for almost three months. Am uncertain what to do. Should I cancel? Or just read fragments of scenes, including bits I've read at other readings before?

#4: With all the computer and e-mail problems, anguish over the Phoenix, karate and busy-ness in general, I have been so distracted that I have not gotten back to the Minicon programming people and now it is practically too late anyway. Minicon is really the only con I attend nowadays, but I've all but decided that I'm not going to try groveling to weasel my way onto panels but instead resign myself to sitting on the sidelines. For the first time in years, I won't be on any panels at all. Mood: this is mortifying, but no more than I deserve. I did not earn a penny from writing last year, I haven't had anything out for years, I do not expect anything out this year, and people would do better to hear from other panelists who actually have earned their credentials lately and have germaine things to say about sf/fantasy and writing. Unlike me.

I hope that those who chipped in for the necklace last year aren't regretting wasting their money.

Despite the utter Stygean blackness of this entry, I will in all fairness to myself note in passing that this is the first Glare Report in months, and it does denotes the beginning of an attempt to get back to the book. Those of you who choose to interpret this as a ray of hope, well, make of it what you will.

*sigh* God, I'm such a fricking fraud.

Edited to add: magentamn has assured me it's not to late to get onto panels at Minicon; in fact they're really hunting for people. I can't use the office e-mail, but I promise I will e-mail from home tonight, so perhaps I'll be on panels after all.

Comments

[red-queen.livejournal.com]

Hey, easy there. It's hard for you to publish regularly because on top of the difficulties of actually writing and finishing a novel, you have a full-time job, sustaining and complex friendships, a marriage, two beloved daughters, a household, and yourself to deal with. You ain't Dickens, with a household run by spouse and servants. You have to do laundry.

You are not a fraud. You are a writer, and you always will be, no matter WHEN your next book comes out.

Believe me, some of us go to cons to hear about the writing process, and how the hell one struggles through it. You have *plenty* to contribute. Everything from the shock of recognition when you found out about the frozen-fish-in-the-cornerstone to the misery of trying to find the damned time.

Your friends who chipped in on the necklance didn't want you to put a deadline of guilt on yourself. They believe in you. ANd your book. You haven't failed. It's just a long and rocky path. (Not all who wander are... oh shush. )

Thus endeth the unasked-for pep talk from rather far away,f rom a procrastinating tech writer, if truth be told. Mumble, writer's block over here, too.

But I'm on the East coast,and it's way past bedtime for me... given that I'm trying to get in to work at reasonable times.

Comments, worth what you're paying for them

[mizzlaurajean.livejournal.com]

#3 - I'm looking forward to whatever you want/feel like reading at Dreamhaven.

#4 - I suspect that dropping a quick line to Minicon Programming will get you on panel(s). Sharon is always on the look out for good panelists, and you have a good track record.

And I'm confident that the people who chipped in for the necklace did not waste their money. I'm also confident they're not regretting it in the slightest.

And you certainly don't come across as a fraud.

davidschroth, using Laura Jean's LJ account.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

You are not a fraud. You are not a failure.

You are a woman with a young family, a full-time job, and a novel. It's not shocking or offensive if the novel sometimes has to take back seat.

You don't deserve anything bad. You deserve some rest.

As to the reading, I suspect people come to see Peg Kerr the writer, not for the novelty of it. Ask the store what they think; I bet they'll say that fragments are fine.

[peacockharpy.livejournal.com]

I'm going to see it as a ray of hope.

You went through your novel files. You reacquainted yourself with your work thus far. You opened the lines of creative communication with yourself again. These are all good things, even if they don't feel very good at the moment.

*sends supportive virtual mugs of your libation of choice*

[lizardlaugh.livejournal.com]

You absolutely are not a fraud!

There are some of us here who've never, ever made a sale at all. Some of us also have busy, complicated lives and totally, completely understand how that can get in the way of writing. You aren't a fraud. From the sound of it, you've got a truly incredible novel in the works many of us here are eager to read, but completely understand (and even empathise with) the slow pace.

Don't beat yourself up, Peg. It is absolutely the worst thing you can do for your productivity in any endeavor. I speak from experience on this one.

*hugs*

[primroseburrows.livejournal.com]

Maybe doing the readings at Dreamhaven will bring you back into things a bit. I vote for doing that.

For the record, I've read and loved The Wild Swans and have recced it in lots of places. I'm a book snob and I don't DO that unless I love the book. I love your book. *g*

[kishmish.livejournal.com]

I agree, I think it's amazing that you ARE a writer (you definitely are) and also so many other things. I don't think I'd ever be as organized as you are and be able to juggle it all. So what if you live a little in between writing? Susanna Clarke took ten years to write her book and it's a great book and nobody thinks she spent too much time on it. Take your time, I mean, isn't living supposed to give you more to draw from when you write? You could think of it as time invested;)

[blackholly.livejournal.com]

You are emphatically not a fraud.

Do the reading at Dreamhaven; I read the same story for about a year because it was the only new one I had. Sometimes it happens.

When you get to MiniCon--if you feel like it--you can always go to programming and offer to fill in. I've done that before when I decided way past the deadline to show up for them. You are one of the most thoughtful people on LiveJournal. I, for one, would love to listen to you talk about sf/fantasy and writing.

[elisem.livejournal.com]

I hope that those who chipped in for the necklace last year aren't regretting wasting their money.

I'm pretty darn sure I can speak for everybody involved: no, we haven't wasted anything. It's a handy thing it's a long necklace, because some books are long in the writing, but we're not worried. Keep going. Even if it's an inch at a time, keep going. (Sometimes when I am making a necklace, I feel like the individual links aren't ever going to add up to something that's real. But they do.)I suggest playing with the necklace a lot, and letting it be a friend who sits by you and encourages you when you need it. It's a tangible symbol, a distillation of faith. Maybe it's half faith in you and half faith in the story; whatever it is, we have faith that the story will keep pulling you, and that you will keep following it, and that eventually we'll all be able to walk down the path you make, down all those glittering halls, and look around at the inside, and see what you've seen for us.

An inch at a time. Whatever it takes. Preferably without hitting yourself with sticks, though. You're doing a heck of a lot of work, in a whole bunch of directions at once, as many here have pointed out.

And do post the date of the Dreamhaven reading, because I want to come listen, if I'm free. I'll listen to anything you want to read there. (Especially because I've missed previous readings.)

[papersky.livejournal.com]

What Elise said.

And, definitely a ray of hope.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Hey now. Harper Lee was not a fraud, and she only managed one book ever. I'm not suggesting that you should stop writing -- far from it -- but past a certain point, being a writer is not about quantity of output, and you've passed that point. Or look closer to home: if Greer Gilman was on panels at Minicon, I don't think you'd look at the schedule and think, "What a fraud. Why doesn't she step aside?" I don't think I've heard you mention Moonwise, so you might like it or might not, but I really don't think you'd devalue her thoughts the way you're talking about your own.

Being as kind to oneself as one is to others is hard.

I think it's clear that other people would find your presence at a reading and on panels valuable. If you wouldn't find them valuable yourself, that's one thing, but if you feel you haven't earned them somehow, I think you should ask yourself how you'd see someone else in your situation, because I don't think it would be nearly so harsh.

[satakieli.livejournal.com]

All I have to say is that you're not a fraud. You're a writer, and it shows in everything you write, even livejournal entries. When your next book is out, as I have no doubt it will be, whether ten years down the line or this December, I'll be buying it. In the meantime, well... "writer" doesn't come with an expiration date. And even if it did, you'd be creating a new one every few days with something worthwhile from your pen or keyboard. You're not running out.

Hm. That last made sense in my head, if nowhere else.

[littlecatfeet.livejournal.com]

"writer" doesn't come with an expiration date

Word.

What she said.

[eeyorerin]

If it would help, I could scan a copy of the ice palace file for you and send you a Mac-readable file (you'd just have to send me a copy).

I can also help with Mac-to-Windows translation issues -- I invested in some reasonably good translation software because my students are fond of sending me everything under the sun.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you! I will keep that offer in mind. Let's see if Rob manages to retrieve it, first, though.

[jbru.livejournal.com]

Glad someone piped up with this, because I was going to suggest it as a back-up if Rob can't get it out of the old 'puter for you. (For what it's worth, the HTML should come across the easiest as it's just plain text and platform independant.)

[bgliterary.livejournal.com]

I'll add my voice to the "you are not a fraud!" shout-outs. There is no requirement for output to determine your writerly status. Some authors are prolific, some produce a book every ten years. Is one more of a writer than the other? Of course not!

As for Minicon, go! Everyone who attends a convention has something to offer, whether s/he is on a panel or not, and you've got experience that others to date can only dream of. Besides, immersing yourself in a community you love, where you feel safe and supported, can only help.

Oh, and it goes without saying, when this (or any other book) is published, I'll be there with credit card in hand and probably start reading before I've even left the store.

[rolanni.livejournal.com]

Wow. That was an awesome Depressed Writer post.

Me, I'd do the reading anyhow, and read what I dern well pleased. The folks who are coming to hear you read are coming to hear you read; they'll be happy so long as you do read.

As for sitting on the sidelines at Minicon -- I dunno. It's fun to go to cons as a member, attend the panels that interest you, hang out with friends, and have a ball. But. Attitude is everything. If you're going to be "on the sidelines" as punishment for being a Bad Writer, you're going to have a lousy time. Might as well stay home and, y'know, write.

Losing your notes-and-ideas file truly sucks, but I see someone has kindly offered to scan your hardcopy into a compatible file for you -- and good on you for having that hardcopy -- so that's recoverable. Phew.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

*bwahahahaha* It's nice to know that there is one sort of writing that I do excel at: Depressed Writer posts.

I would have gone to Minicon and enjoyed myself, even if I couldn't be on panels, but in fact I've been informed that it's not too late and they really do want me, so I'm going to e-mail the programming committee tonight.

[magentamn.livejournal.com]

Please, PLEASE, be on a panel at Minicon. We need more articulate, intelligent people. We still have panels that need people - go to http://gloriosa.net/Minicon/M40-Programming.htm and see what appeals to you, and email Sharon. You are two books more a writer than I am, and I'll be on panels at Minicon.

Be sure to post the details of when you are reading at Dreamhaven. Maybe you'll come up with something else to read if you don't feel like reading from the Ice Palace book.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

It's not too late then? All right, I'll review the list, and I'll e-mail Sharon tonight, I promise.

I'd

[lsanderson.livejournal.com]

Love to hear fragments of the book and older works. (I hope to make the DreamHaven reading.)

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Not pitiful at all. You are a dense writer, and that means slow and careful.

I think, given your schedule, you're progressing admirably.

(But yeah, more time for writing would be good, because that book sounds fascinating. Want to read it!)

[truepenny.livejournal.com]

No matter what you're struggling with now, it does not invalidate earlier accomplishments. So, no, you are not a fraud.

And speaking as someone who chipped in on the necklace, I didn't waste my money, and I don't regret it.

It often seems to me, reading your journal, that your life demands you do everything at once. And you can't. No one can. Like jonquil said, there's nothing wrong with admitting the novel can't always have top of the queue priority. Frustrating as all get out for you--as your post attests--but it's not a sign of weakness or other insufficiency. When you're pulled in too many directions at once, something has to give.

[castiron.livejournal.com]

You are most definitely a real author. I know this, because I have held in my hands a book with your name on the spine.

You have valuable things to share. I know this, because I read your LJ and take heart that someone else has struggled with juggling motherhood, day job, writing, and general life, and still makes progress -- even if intermittent -- on their next manuscript.

100% Real Writer. Definitely.

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

I hope that those who chipped in for the necklace last year aren't regretting wasting their money.

Absolutely and utterly not, and let me add one more emphatic voice to the "You are a real writer" comments.

[dd-b.livejournal.com]

Not surprisingly, I see that people are generally of the opinion that you are NOT a fraud. Let me add my own voice to that -- you are NOT a fraud. You are a person with a lot of commitments, and, I'm sure, a lot more to write still in you; and the writing has been slow for a while, partly for external reasons completely beyond your control.

Congratulations on opening the files and starting to look at the book again!

[lcohen]

meanwhile, i am sad that you won't be making it to wiscon since i can't get to minicon.

and yay for glaring at it again!