Thinking about identity: "Being" a Writer

[pegkerr]

This post has several roots. First, I have been feeling definite unease over the fact that, let's be honest, I just have not been working on the ice palace book. For months. I was pecking at it, and then my computer crashed last winter, and there was Christmas, and then taxes (which are STILL not done; don't blame me, blame Rob) and the end of school and karate and oh, all sorts of things. I let one thing after another crowd into my life and squeeze out the fiction writing.

I have talked in this journal about my fear that I have no more books in me, that I will never write fiction again. I wondered, for a number of years, whether I could still consider myself to be a writer.

This came up recently because I had this exchange of comments with epicyclical. Cassie was asking whether her readers knew what they wanted to be when they grew up, so to speak. I said that I didn't know, which at age 45, I found most depressing. Cassie answered "But you are a writer -- just what everyone seems to want to be!"

And I let that comment sit for days while I thought about it. I couldn't bring myself to even reply to it, because something inside of me felt the honest thing to say was to protest, "You don't understand. I don't think I'm a writer anymore." And I didn't want to say that because a) everyone would think I was fishing for ego-boo and b) everyone would think I was crazy.

I might have just let things sit without ever answering Cassie, but then I posted the request that lurkers introduce themselves. And I got many lovely, lovely responses, but I was struck by how many said, in effect, it's so cool to read the journal of a real working writer. And once again I'm haunted by the feeling that I'm giving people a false impression.

Folks, whatever you think a working writer is, I'm worried that I ain't it. I have not made a dime selling fiction for several years now. I have not worked on the book for months. And yes, I find it difficult to admit this, because I wanted to be working on the book (but not enough to actually do the work, apparently) and I wanted to be considered "a real writer."

Or do I? And what does that mean to me?

I have thought a lot about this in the past week. And I have come to several tentative conclusions, and I realize that still I have several outstanding questions.

I realized that I was operating on the understanding that if I wasn't working on fiction, right now, continuously (and selling it), this somehow negated my past success. It "undid" my status as a writer. I had to ask myself, did this make sense? Do I cease to consider Harper Lee a writer because she wrote "just" one book (To Kill a Mockingbird), a masterpiece at that? What about Walter M. Miller, Jr., who only had A Canticle for Lebowitz published during his lifetime? Do I not consider them to be writers anymore? What is the sell-by date by which a writer's "writerlyness" expires? A year? Two years? Five years? A decade?

No, I realized. I still think of Harper Lee and Walter M. Miller, Jr. as writers, and I always will. I have had two books published. By the same reasoning, then, I have the same right to consider myself a writer, too.

But what about the fact that I'm not writing?

Well, duh, you point out. You're writing now, Peg. You write faithfully in your LiveJournal, and your words are read eagerly by more than a person or two: the lurkers who spoke up proved that.

And that's true, too. All right, so, I'm a writer. And I'm writing now, in the journal/essay format. Journaling was the first type of writing I ever did, probably, and it has been the most consistent type of writing I have done across my lifetime.

Apparently, the problem boils down to the fact that I'm not presently a writer of fiction right now.

So how do I feel about that?

Frankly, I really don't know. I am not entirely sure why I have stopped, and whether it is permanent. Is it due to depression? Is it lack of willpower? Some character flaw? Is this just the season of life that I am in, that I am a very conscientious parent in an intense period of motherhood? Sandra Day O'Connor, for heaven sakes, took five years off her career to raise her children. Why can't I do the same?

The difficult thing for me to admit is that I am not entirely sure that I want to write fiction any more. Why else am I not writing it? And yet, how hard it is to admit this, when so many perfectly nice people read my journal "to learn what it's like to be a real writer." Will you chide me for false pretenses? Will you denounce me as an imposter?

Will you demand that I give the necklace back?

To sum up: All right, I am a writer. But I am not sure whether I am a working fiction writer. I am not sure I want to be a working fiction writer anymore.

But if not . . . then what the hell is it that I want to be???

This has been a painful and scary entry to write. I have gone back and forth over whether or not I should enable comments. I want to state as clearly as I can that I am not leaving them on because I am begging for reassurances. I am 45 years old and I know that for my own mental health, I have to base my idea of myself on what I think of myself, rather than what other people think about me. But after long thought, I decided that if my intent was to speak truth in this entry, then it made sense to give people a chance to respond.

More to follow later, but I have to get the girls to bed now.

Comments

[king-tirian.livejournal.com]

I think that you are absolutely correct that you will be a successful writer as long as your book is still on shelves and in libraries, and you will be the envy of non-writers for having that merit.

I too am working my way through a "What if I'm not an X anymore?" crisis, and so I will give my best wishes that you find clarity and peace no matter how it resolves itself for you.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

I never know what to call myself. It sounds silly to say I'm not a writer, 1700+ blog entries in. But obviously that's not the same as writing a book, even a nonfiction one, in any sense but volume. I was saying that I'm not a fiction writer, more of an essayist, which is true. I tink I can write decent essays, and I'd never written fiction unles assigned to do so. But then I surprised myself recently by writing a couple of stories - one original, one fanfic. It's been interesting to see the process, and there have been some surprises in it, but I'm not sure I'll finish the other two stories I've started. So I don't really know how to think of myself, writingwise.

On the other hand it would be hard for me to think of you as not a writer or even not a current one. It's similar to your mention of Harper Lee. I have The Wild Swans sitting in my to-be-read pile; it was bought only recently and I'm saving it as a treat on a long flight I have coming up. (I came to this journal knowing you not via your book but via your friendslist.) In your case, you've written a book people love, and that means you're always a writer. The book outlasts the currents of your life.

Er, not that that means it wouldn't make a lot of people very happy (probably including me, as of the end of this month, based on what I've heard about your work) for you to turn out another one. I don't want to get lynched here.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that your first question to yourself at this point might be "Did I ever want to be a working fiction writer?" If the answer is "yes," the next question is "What has changed?" If the answer is "no," the next question is "Then why did I do it?" That might give you some idea of what the next question should be. (Sturgeon's "Ask the next question" is one of my Things I Live By.)

To digress...

[alfreda89.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I was familiar with Sturgeon's Law, but not the "Ask the next question" prompt. That may be useful right now.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Do you have to be anything besides Peg Kerr? It seems to me that Peg Kerr has meaning in a lot of lives, brings compassion and insight to those with whom she interacts, and not only shares interesting thoughts but touches off good discussions that then ripple out. Peg Kerr reads, talks, works, plays, and one of these days that book might clamor to be finished or another will skyburst behind her eyes and demand to be written--but meantime 'writer' is just one of the wonderful things she is. But the converse isn't true, she isn't 'just' a writer.

None of us are 'just' a writer--we're so many things. But as you so very rightly point out, some are busy turning out that fiction, others are busy with life observations and discussions in blogs, and some are living life, having written. Writer is part of who they are, but not all of who they are.

[tiellan.livejournal.com]

You have no idea how comforting it is for me to hear you speak like this. I have never sold a work of fiction, of any length, but I've long thought I wanted to be a "writer" and I've tried to pass myself off as one for several years. But deep down, I've felt like a total fraud. Whatever you ultimately decide to do, and whether or not you ever sell another piece of fiction writing, you are to me a writer. I've read your work and thought it was very good. Hearing about your struggles with writing have made me feel more at ease with my own struggles. I've been grappling with similar questions to the ones you've been asking yourself -- hearing you echo them reassures me that real writers have the same struggles I've been having. It doesn't matter to me if you never sell another work of fiction again, you're still a real writer to me, and having this little peephole into your life has been so reassuring for me. Thank you.

[cheshyre]

Even if you never publish another book, The Wild Swans still sits on my bookshelf as a testament to your accomplishments.

And even though that was what first brought me to your journal, I've come to love reading about you and your husband and daughters and karate class and all the rest of it. And even if you stand up and forsake fiction from this day forth, I'm not going to unfriend you because I still want to hear what you have to say.

[carol-j.livejournal.com]

Here's my take: I don’t think people read your journal mostly because of what you are as a writer, but because of what you are, first and foremost, as a human being: a sensitive, insightful, witty woman. Reading your journal is such a pleasure!

Much love,

Carol

[alfreda89.livejournal.com]

I don’t think people read your journal mostly because of what you are as a writer, but because of what you are, first and foremost, as a human being: a sensitive, insightful, witty woman.

Agreed. I came because 1minnesotagirl told me to check out your journal, and I found someone I thought I'd like to know as a friend. I will also check out WILD SWANS as soon as brain and money allow.

A friend told me once that if she had to choose, she'd take being Harper Lee over being a steadily writing mid-list worker bee...but she loved writing and hoped she could mesh both (the hit and the steady work.)

I have been dry a long time...or rather, the condition keeps the two halves of my writer brain from easily talking. The Brain Underground is trying to get them together, but it's taking time.

But I've written five published novels, one unpublished novel, and 200,000 words of a new series, plus several good nonfiction articles and short stories--all of which I can be proud. Ergo, I am a writer. I hope to write again. I still hope for success and wealth in this lifetime (although I'll settle for good published books, and a big lotto win).

I'm just currently trying to keep up with life crises and Live Journal until the fiction writer muse comes back from vacation.

Do you still wish to write? I understand that WS took years to pull out of yourself, like threads from a tapestry jacket, artistically left hanging out to catch the light. Perhaps the next story is weaving itself together deep inside, as I trust stories are doing for me--and you need to wait until the right moment for them to peep out again?

I have been not reading the Friends page faithfully lately, for reasons I'll get around to explaining in my journal--so things may have changed. But between illness and karate and other things, it sounds like raising your daughters well is a full-time challenge, much less your own happiness and your spouse's.

Perhaps the Muse is waiting for you to take a deep breath, and be ready for her to say "How about this?"

I will point out that I am stalled on that 200,000 words--apparently, my muse wants to do something else for a while. Perhaps for you as well?

[misia.livejournal.com]

I don't think you owe anyone anything, Peg. I think that if you've written what you had it in you to write--either for right now, or forever-- and you've written it to the top of your bent, you've done damn good, the best anyone could ask.

What comes next? Heck if I know. But I do hope you have a lot of fun finding out.

[magentamn.livejournal.com]

This has *nothing* to do with writing, but I love what you've done with the appearance of your journal. It's so elegant.

Of course you are a writer. No one can take that from you, not even yourself. If you weren't, you wouldn't still be struggling with it.

I really do hope you finish the Ice Palace book eventually, because I want to read it. I know that's somewhat selfish, to want you to write so I can read it. That's the kid part of me that wants to find out what happens next. But it also sounds to me like you still have that book in you, waiting to come out. The time has not been right. Your life has been very difficult the last several months. So the book is still incubating. Just like seeds that can't sprout until certain conditions are met, that book is still waiting for something to happen to make the ground fertile again.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Re: the style; you can have it, too! It's called Novel Conundrum, created for the LJ style contest, and since it was one of the winners, it's available to everyone as one of the new S2 styles.

[redbird]

I don't know what you'll decide you are doing, or want to do, this year. But I am reminded that Elizabeth Lynn took a long time (I think about 15 years) off from writing fiction because there were other things she wanted to do more, at that point. And then she went back to it: even if you don't write a novel this year, that wouldn't mean you're not going to write one sometime.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I'm first going to burble about how I'm stunned in awe over the beauty of your lj format. It's gorgeous.

Meanwhile, without wishing to contradict anything anyone else has written thus far (because what I've seen above is all true in one sense or another), I have been reading the glare reports and wondering two things. The first is whether the issue is that this is not the book you wish to be writing right now, but that having gone this far, you feel obligated to continue. (If you've got a contractual commitment, it's not one that I'm aware of, so I haven't factored that in.) The second is whether it's simply that because this is a story about ice, its natural momentum is at a glacial pace. Or perhaps whether it's a story that you can only write in the cold.

I have been reading the things you've been sharing about the progress of the Ice Palace book with interest because it's something that I've experienced -- I'm a writer of essays and vignettes partly because the inspiration I have for fiction has never yet been lush enough to fuel a story of any sellable length -- and yet here you are, someone who is dealing with this now after having written something of enduring quality. I cannot pretend I'm not among those who have a wishing for the IP story to be told, but I know that this is a selfish wish because I've been reading your journal and seeing the fuller picture that you share. I would hardly wish for this story to be told at the expense of the things giving your life richness now.

I hope that you find peace with whatever path you take at this fork.

[liadan-m.livejournal.com]

Peg, many of us came here to read this journal because you were a writer. We stayed because your journal interests us.

I don't know what I'm going to end up being, it changes every couple of months. Because I find new areas, new interests. I had the passion for writing at one time...the passion is gone, the love of the craft is still there, and the writing itself has changed. I would say that your writting has returned to your roots in this journal. From the frequency of your posts and your dedication to writing everything down, you love the act of writing in this journal. So, yes, you are still a writer.

[sternel.livejournal.com]

I missed your lurker post this go-round so I'll blather on here instead.

Last summer, I was working at my uni and taking summer classes, and my buddy soldierhope and I would sit on the train, at 7 am (ungodly early for college) and talk about Life, and the Universe, and Everything. Hope and I are both writers of some sort or another, and we'd often discuss writing and how one does it, and writers and how one becomes one.

We finally decided, about midway thru the summer semester, that being a writer isn't just putting words down on paper, because anyone can take a piece of paper, or a keyboard, and put words down. It's the thought that goes into it, the savoring of a situation to put down into words later, the remembering of a particularly delicious combination of words, the attempt to tease apart an event to see all the angles, and stitching it up later into something new. That's why I refer to myself as a writer. I think there are whole books in my head that I don't know are there yet. I discover them sort of haphazardly and I know sooner or later I'll find one ready to come out, and in the meantime I write shortfic and I blog and I savor and I remember.

I think you *are* a working writer, because you have that ability to process the world around you and express both the process, and the product, with words so beautifully chosen that sometimes all I can do is sit, suffering in wordless envy. Right now, that's what your writing is about: the process, the struggle to get through to the product. Now that I think about it, I admire you even more because of your openness.

[callunav.livejournal.com]

What a fabulous entry. I'm really, really grateful to you for posting it and letting people - letting me - read it. It's not just that it resonates with experiences I've had or am having. (For five years - and those are the five years I've had anything like a career, so it's a much bigger chunk of my life than the chronology would suggest - I've been a sort-of-vaguely-therapistish person who works with really messed up kids and gets into the thick of things and deals every day with conditions that would make most people batty and /damn/ but I've taken pride in that identity, and the times I have when I wonder whether I really want to do this, and who the hell am I if I'm not The Person Who Does Those Things, I don't have another identity standing by for me to step into... yeah, there's resonance.)

(Oddly, for no reason I can explain, I'm quite able to think of myself as a writer in a minor kind of way, even though I've rarely completed and never sold anything. But that's writing as a little piece of who I am, not writing as a vocation; I do understand that it would be different.)

But no, that's not the main reason I'm really moved by the entry. And it's not about anything to do with you as a writer or anything else. Maybe I shouldn't admit this, in this company, but I haven't read The Wild Swans. I think it's cool that you wrote a book. I think any number of things that you do are cool. They're not what I really care about. They're not what I'm grateful for.

It's just that you're doing such fabulous wrestling with yourself and your conception of yourself and your conception of identity and what you want and why you want it and who you are and what you do and who you want to be and what you want to do, the pain it causes you to think some things and how you manage to make it possible for yourself to think them anyhow. For those of us who have had a taste of it, vocation matters, I think. Writer, sailor, police, priest, it doesn't matter--if you've had work to do that was at one and the same time work and identity, the idea of losing that, of accepting a role of work which is not a vocation, not an identity, is full of terror and misery. But here you are with your best-you-can-do-at-any-given-moment honesty, your courage and your self-awareness, your desire to go further and understand more--

I'm always just so grateful when people are willing to do that thinking out loud. Of all the things in the world, I think that may be one of the things I value most dearly - the chance to be present while people work out their own answers to the most important questions in the world.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

I'm 46. I'm asking myself all the same questions, except that, unlike you, I don't have a published book to my credit. (I'm a technical writer.)

What if I don't actually want to do this any more? That is the abyss I keep looking into.

I have many, many people on my friendslist because I enjoy hearing how their thoughts tick. Most of them aren't writers of fiction. You're still interesting even if you choose not to be Peg-Kerr-The-Writer.

Are you asking the right question?

[amandageist.livejournal.com]

But if not . . . then what the hell is it that I want to be???

Why are you so certain that it's about becoming, and not about already being? What if you're already who and what you should be, and you can stop worrying about that, and start focusing on what you want to do with who you are? Your "are" is already pretty well rounded and developed; why gild the lily? What is making you feel unfinished or incomplete?

~Amanda

you keep that necklace!

[rutemple.livejournal.com]

I loved hearing the story of its making and of it being bought for you and WHY - and the why is True.
I have two half-finished fiddles sitting in a bin in storage who look at me from time to time and nod, saying "You'll have a woodshop again some day." I just don't know when.
We're all so many things - right now I'm being intensely an editor for dissertations and ESL highschoolers doing SAT prep classes during their summer, studying art marketing and having precious little time to make stuff while I get a grip on the newer editing client time, and working art sales at our local Renaissance Faires with a friend who carves amber, Reva Myers. Um, she does the Minnesota 'Fest so you may have seen her stuff. anyroad:
I've also been intensely a step-parent, a Goddess-mom to another young-un, who we just kept for five weeks and helped move into a new place after a rooming situation went south, but am not now currently doing much in the way of "parenting" to yon 25-year-olds, as I was 13 years ago. I'm no less a mom, I'm told.
I've fiddled for morris dance for years, but not the last two: I'm still expected to bring the fiddle to parties and things, grin!
We're of an age - so perhaps we can take turns with these affirmations:
You Are a writer, just as you realized by the fact that your published works we love live on, and you are a writer, even if you are currently blocked or just on severe Pause with the current piece and don't know when or if you'll get out your pen and write again. May it be soon, for a definition of soon that really fits your life as you are living it, and may that be richly, fully, and with delight in yourself and all around you; with the nurturing delight of all your friends and friendly-acquaintances near and far.
So go put on that fabulous neckalce and wear all that love and those good wishes and all that affirmation of YOU, that are wrapped up in it, and add in warm well-wishing from this friendly-acquaintance. Oh, I'm not at all sure we ever met, I don't recall; I did SCA in college and got to only a few MNSTF events, but we assuredly have bunches of friends in common.
Courage, sister.It's not that important that it wasn't what you were asking for, but I'm convinced it can't do harm.

What you are now, and what you'll be as you grow up, in cycles as they go, you'll figure it out. And I'll be glad to hear your working it out on these recycled electrons, just as I'm figuring out the same sorts of things over here in my corner of the world.

onward and sideways...

Re: you keep that necklace!

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

That raises an interesting parallel point. You will still be a mother when your daughtersare grown and out of the house. What are the parallels to being a writer?

Re: you keep that necklace!

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

You will still be a mother when your daughters are grown and out of the house.

How true, how true.

Re: you keep that necklace!

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

That is an excellent analogy, which helps a lot.

[pied-piper70.livejournal.com]

In the past, did you identify yourself as your day job or as a writer? More than likely as a writer...those of us who create take our creativity seriously and, therefore, identify closely with that part of our lives...so our art begins to represent our identity and becomes the definition of who we are...but when our lives change, that identity must also change...and it's painful...

I myself have had to deal with this as well: as you know, I'm a musician...but I used to identify myself as a bassist...in fact, I was pretty damn good and was about to turn it into my full-time profession...and then my hands got really bad...not only could I not play bass, I couldn't perform for long periods of time anymore, on any instrument...so not only could I no longer identify myself as a bassist, I could no longer identify myself as a performer...it's been two years, and I'm still in the midst of change: I've gone more toward video scoring, digital recording and composition and it's starting to work out pretty well, but only at a non-professional level so far...

Still, I'm a musician...but it's taken me awhile to realize that...the change was hard and it took me a long time to figure out what my identity was after it...and I believe that's what you're up against as well...I look forward to reading what you figure out...but also, as a fellow artist, I understand completely what you're up against...no one is bigger critic of the artist than the artist themselves...and critique can be brutal in the midst of transition...

[corinnethewise.livejournal.com]

I started reading your journal because you were one of my favorite authors. I kept reading your journal because you had interesting stories. I find that now when I read your journal I care about your life and what happens to you and what you write about, not because you're a writer, or just simply interesting, but because you're a supremely awesome person. You are a writer, no one can take that away from you. As for whether you want to continue writing or go do something else... well, that's something you'll have to figure out for yourself. I hope that you are happy, whatever it is. ::hugs:: and good luck!

[jbru.livejournal.com]

I think you were one of those folks that I knew as a person before I knew they were an author. (I still think of Steve Brust as "that asshole with the banjo" first.) I think everyone struggles at some point in their life with identity (and probably more than once). I'm sure your faith, your family and your friends will carry you through this transitory crisis. What you'll do on the other side, none can say, but I'll be looking forward to hearing about it.

Mothering

[allegranza.livejournal.com]

Change...it is part of life. I have one question though, just because I am nosy and it truly affected my life...your books were they before your children or after? You sort of implied that they were and I was curious. I know that having my son, really changed my life, what I was doing, what I wanted to do, and what my priorities were about what I was doing and what I wanted to do. I had a major career change and moved because what I was doing didn't fit in with my new priorities. You will always be a writer, we have already agreed on that...you just may not need to write, right now, or ever again. Your children will grow up and one day you will be sitting at home waiting for them to get in at night and you may find then, that those novels are still there...then again you may not..you may find that there are other things that you would rather do.

As far as "what the hell do I want to be?" You are Peg Kerr, Mom,...then start filling in the blanks (I don't know you well enough to know what other hats you wear). If those are all you want for right now, then do, relax and be them. If not, then only the limitations that you put on yourself can stop you. I learned that lesson myself the hard way.

Re: Mothering

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I wrote the books during, meaning, I had a baby in the middle of writing each book.

That was one odd thing about the ice palace book. When I started it, I desperately wanted to get pregnant again, but alas, 'twas not to be.

Maybe that's why the book's blocked!

[pixelfish.livejournal.com]

I myself am struggling to pull myself out of a horrible art slough. There are days where the art comes, but it comes slowly, and then there days where everything I do doesn't turn out, and I wonder if I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

Life comes and goes with certain viscittudes and rhythms. You may want to give the writing a break for a while, come back to it later, and explore other aspects of your life for a while. Maybe that will provide something new. Or you'll discover that you've been waiting for something new to write about, and your writing will take off in a completely new direction. Maybe you'll want to write something for the girls, or maybe you'll end up doing poetry. Who knows....Give it some time and don't worry too much. *hugs from afar*

[jhetley.livejournal.com]

Just to toss in a bit of presumption, perhaps you are a writer not currently writing? A once and future writer? Hey, you give ample evidence of having quite enough on your plate right now. I know I couldn't do much coherent work until the boys were out of the house....

[mayakda.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your post. It resonates so much with me.

I think most of us, but Americans more so than others, have their identities very much caught up in their work. "And what do you do?" is the first question after an introduction (which would be considered rude in some cultures).

Like others have commented, maybe it's enough to be. You are loved and you love. You've proven you can write if you want to. So what if you don't want to write right now? Everything in it's season.

Oh, suddenly I'm reminded of Kiki's Delivery Service.

[channe.livejournal.com]

I think you're fine. You're a writer, and if you're not writing fiction and selling it right now, that's perfectly all right. The average person, I read, changes careers six times in their life; it's only the working fiction writers that think that they're immune, I feel.

Sounds like some real soul-searching is in order (something I'm going through, here!). I wish you all the luck in the world!

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

Will you demand that I give the necklace back?

Under no circumstances.

I hope you find a way forward that works for you, and will be cheering for you whatever it is. I have greatly enjoyed The Wild Swans and should be very happy were there more writing of yours to look forward to, but not to the extent of wanting it if it's not what you want to be or do.

The way you talk about the details of your day-to-day life is a recurring joy to read, and I for one look forward to seeing your posts.

[porphyrin.livejournal.com]

My mother often talks about the 'moon shadow' that is in all of us-- that thing within each of us that is nearly unchangeable, and is the core of who we are.

Whether or not you write another book, whether or not you ever make a cent from writing again, you are still Peg Kerr. Not just Mom or karate student or wife or writer, you are still *you*.

We came because of your prior books, but we stay because of Peg Kerr, not because of the promise of more books. We stay because you allow us the privilege of knowing, at least in virtua, a wonderful person.

[castiron.livejournal.com]

No answers, but as someone struggling with similar questions, I really appreciate your thoughts on this. (No published works, but three novel manuscripts, one of which actually made it past the junior editor at a big publisher before bogging down and dying; one less child than you, but also one less spouse; one big child's mental disability; original writing laptop computer died, replacement was stolen....)

The answer I seem to be coming to for myself is that, while I may eventually try again to become a published writer, right now isn't the time. My son's needs are high, and his other parent's ability to assist low. I have sole responsibility for keeping a roof over our heads and keeping that roof in good repair. (My son's out of town for two weeks. If I were a Real Writer, I'd be using this time to write; instead, I'm using this time to do seven-years-overdue floor renovations.) I can design myself a sweater much more easily than I can design a plot right now, and the sweater is much easier to work on in odd moments and suffers less from interruption.

It'd be nice to get some of these stories out of my head and into other people's hands, and once that was the driving wish of my life, but right now there are other things that are more important to me. Sometimes it does still bother me that I'm not writing, but I've spent way too much butt-in-chair hands-on-keyboard time over the past three years with nothing to show for it but a couple pieces of fanfic. I'd rather spend that time making my home a pleasant place for me to relax and do things, actually relaxing and doing things, building my relationship with my boyfriend, and working with my son. Eventually the writing might come back -- it has before -- but if not, well, I've still finished three novel manuscripts, and I've got some interesting folks in my head to check in with once in a while.

(And you should keep the necklace. Even if you end up scrapping the Ice Palace novel and writing a novel set in an active volcano instead.)

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

There's being a writer as a badge of honor, and there's writing as a profession or obsession.

I think that Emerald House Rising and The Wild Swans give you the absolute right to call yourself an author (in the badge of honor sense) any time you like. Even at three in the morning on a sleepless night, talking to yourself. Even if you never write another word.

And for the other sense ... if you're not doing it now, no, you're not working as a professional or obsessional writer. That can hurt. I used to be a college professor -- family trade, I was the third generation -- and got denied tenure and wound up with a good industry job. It still stings, not being a teacher anymore, even ten years later. I'm pretty happy with what I've been doing in those years, but losing something that was big and important to me is like losing a finger: a wound which never fully heals.

At which point, I suppose, there's nothing to do but hold on to your white gemstone (or book reviews, or whatever it may be), and whimper for a while.

Except that you and I, unlike some hobbits and other finger-amputees, might get to do it again.

Best wishes....

[kalquessa.livejournal.com]

You've always left me such kind and understanding comments when I have angst over writing and whether or not I'm a writer...so here is one from me. I believe that you will finish the Ice Palace book, and I will buy a copy and read it with relish. I also believe that if you are not writing now, it is for a good reason. When it is time to go back to the story, I believe that the story will let you know, and then you won't have a choice about whether or not to write because you won't be able to stay away from the laptop. I also suspect that whatever it is that you're going through right now, that is keeping you away from writing, is something that you need to get through first in order to finish the book. Whatever it is, some part of it may be key to the process of completing the story.

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

I've been asking myself these same questions for years. After being a winner in the City Pages Fiction Contest back in 1986, publishing several short stories and interesting an agent in a romance novel I'd written, I've gone for years without writing much more than personal essays, letters and journals.

I have the evidence to believe that 'Writer' is part of my identity, but also to know that writing is not the whole story of who or what I am. I think I push myself away from writing when that role becomes more important in my mind than the larger sense of my identity as a complete human being.

Harper Lee and Walter M Miller, Jr. are definitely writers, but it would be a sad thing if their whole lives had been about nothing else than those single books they are known for. A good book is a wonderful thing: one that enhances life, builds bridges between the worlds of our imaginations, contributes to the fund of human culture and knowledge, et alia. But I don't think any book is more important than a real, caring, vibrant human life lived among others of our kind.

I expect we will both write when writing is what best fits that whole picture of who we are.

[kk1raven.livejournal.com]

Cassie was asking whether her readers knew what they wanted to be when they grew up, so to speak. I said that I didn't know, which at age 45, I found most depressing.

Maybe you're looking at that from the wrong angle. I'm 42. I don't know what I'm going to be when I "grow up" and I don't really want to know. I don't feel grown up. I figure that when I stop growing, it will be time to die. I don't think there's any magical time when you're "all grown up". I don't want to stop growing and learning and I'm fairly sure that the process of doing those things will continue to change who and what I am.

As for whether or not you are a writer, I'd say you are, even if you never finish another book. What we are is a combination of what we've been and what we're becoming. You have written two books - books that I very much enjoyed. That means you're a writer. You're also other things as well. None of us are totally defined by just one of the things we are, at least not if we're normal healthy human beings. Some times one of the things we are takes prescedence, sometimes another does. If you want to write fiction, you should continue to write fiction. If you're now at a place in your growing where that isn't what you want to do, or isn't what is working for you, then there's nothing wrong with putting it aside for now, or even forever if that is what is right for you. Putting it aside doesn't change what you've already done.

[http://users.livejournal.com/anam_cara_/]

Oh, you are a writer through and through- it has nothing to do with publishing stories in paperback form- you work magic with your words, with whatever you write, you have a WAY of articulating that is art. I think you writers just take that amazing ability for granted, having never known life without such a gift. Don't demean your gift, nor what you write now, it is beautiful and it MEANS something. I wish I could give you a day with my perspective in order to see yourself.

hugh prather

[mleoyvoeu.livejournal.com]

Have you read the book
Notes to Myself
by Hugh Prather? I believe you would enjoy it very much.
Let me know if you have read it and, if so, what you thought. If not, I will personally buy you a copy.
(I have an autographed copy...lucky me!!)

Re: hugh prather

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

No, I've never read that one.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

I have wondered whether the ice palace book is meant to be. Did the other two give you this much trouble? I forget if I mentioned this before, but I spent seven years banging my head up the wall of a novel-- which is still not finished-- while not writing much else because I was obsessed with finishing the novel first. Finally I gave up, set it aside... and wrote a different book. And sold it. And now I'm working on all sorts of things. Perhaps rather than thinking you should be working on the ice palace book and not working on it, you should consciously set it aside and consider whether there are any other stories you want to tell. It doesn't mean you can't come back to it later, if you feel like it.

Also, I know everyone else has said this, but... You've published two novels, one of which is particularly beloved by a bunch of people, you're the mother of two fabulous daughters, it seems like you have a good relationship with your husband, you're studying karate, you have a lot of friends who care about you, and you have a steady job that you don't utterly detest. You're already a success. That doesn't mean you shouldn't want to change your life, but seriously, you're starting from a place that a lot of people never reach. I'm not saying count your blessing so much as be proud of your accomplishments, because they'll give you confidence when you move on to the next thing.

[sisterpandora.livejournal.com]

If it brings you comfort, many of us didn't friend you due to your being a writer. We friended you because we met you in various places and found you to be an interesting, caring, intelligent, and passionate individual.

I'm glad you wrote the entry and left on the comments, both were brave. I'm not sure where this journey will lead you, but good luck with it Peg. I hope it brings you the best of all possible things.

Later comment

[nwl.livejournal.com]

Perhaps the question you are asking yourself is "Am I a story teller?" You are obviously a writer, but being a story teller is not the same thing.

come for the writing, stay for the pie

[lcohen]

not only are you a writer, you are a wonderful writer. i love reading what you write about your family--about the things that you are passionate about. stories about how hard it is some days to be a mother--about things that you or the girls learn--about some aspect of politics or your religion that gets you fired up....

i didn't actually know that you *were* a professional writer when i started reading your journal--your books were like a marvelous bonus but i originally friended you because i loved the way you wrote in your journal (and i had a small enough friends list that it made sense to friend a stranger just to enjoy reading her writing). i don't think that you've been feeling passionate about the ice palace book and i don't know whether it's the wrong book or the wrong medium or what--but it's clear from your journal that you can write and write when it *is* something you feel passion about--so follow your passion.

one of your great gifts that i have loved reading your writings about is the way that you explain compassion and tolerance for glbt issues from the viewpoint of a straight, religious ally. if you are looking for something non-fiction-y to hold forth about, you might collect your entries on that subject and see what that would assemble into.

we're the same age (well i'm probably a little older but i'm still 45 at the moment) and if you've been reading my journal (and who has the time?) then you know that i've spent the past year and a half discovering that i was not many things that i thought i was and i was a bunch of other stuff instead, at least for right now. it's been terrifying, but kind of fun once i let go and decided to enjoy the ride. enjoy, and thanks for taking us along on the journey.

*hug if welcome*

[diony.livejournal.com]

This entry is so brave it made me tear up.

For years I had imposter syndrome about being a computer programmer. In the end I decided that I really wasn't one, and went off to do something else. But I hadn't realised until just now that some aspects of that are silly; of course I was a computer programmer, I did write code, and the fact that I ended up deciding that I wasn't very good at it nor did I want to be doesn't invalidate the 3 or so years I spent doing it.

But I hadn't realised that until now, so thank you.

[nico1908.livejournal.com]

I feel for you - and with you! I'm not a writer (well, I dabble in fanfiction a little, but nothing noteworthy) and I won't turn 45 until this summer, but I've been asking myself what I want from life for years and years. Unfortunately, I still can't say that I know the answer, and I feel as if I'm running out of time. Not a pleasant way to live.

You haven't written anything here in a long time, which is worrying. I hope that you are well and that whatever you are doing gives you joy and satisfaction.