A general response to comments on an earlier entry

[pegkerr]

This entry, I fear, is going to be rather impolite. Sorry. You have been warned.

I have attempted to draft replies to several comments left on the post I made earlier today about the false alarm of a child abduction in my neighborhood. Uncharacteristically, I realized that I just couldn't because I was getting much too angry. I thought about this most of the evening, wondering at my own reaction. The comments I was reacting to so strongly were made by people I really respect, including parents with more years of experience than me.

Look. As I told cakmpls I am perfectly well aware that stranger abduction is rare. But I am not willing to accept the judgment that my neighbors and I were "needlessly" upset, as if we don't have the intelligence and judgment to assess and accurately evaluate real-life risks. I truly believe that I was reasonably and responsibly upset. What some of you don't seem to be quite grasping is that this was personal for me. I do not make it a habit to watch television news just to scare myself with stories about awful things happening to children. In fact, I do not watch television news at all. I learned about this because a neighbor called me personally to tell me about something that was happening in my own neighborhood, at a park very close to my home that my girls go to all the time. Would I have preferred that she not call me, as if it was something I didn't need to know? Hell no. I was not merely reacting to a media-created amorphous threat Somewhere Out There. I was reacting to a call from a neighbor. This was MY park. This kid was the exact age of MY child. This kid went to MY neighborhood school. This kid was actually acquainted with MY neighbor. And from the information I was given (which turned out to be an error), an Amber Alert had been issued, meaning that an abduction was believed to have occurred.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want no more well-meaning comments directed at me explaining (as if I'm dense, as if I didn't know) that the risk of stranger abduction and harm is so low that I needn't worry about it. What I finally realized tonight was that the reason that these comments (which I understand were well-intended and meant to be reassuring) upset me so much is because both Rob and I have had childhood friends who were raped and murdered. By strangers, goddammit. The one I knew was the little sister of one of my best friends growing up. She was grown up when it happened to her--someone raped her and threw her over a cliff to die hundreds of feet below. But for Rob, it was a little girl, the first little girl he ever had a crush on. She was, I don't remember, ten or twelve or so when it happened. Her body was dumped along a lonely stretch of road like garbage. Neither murderer was ever caught.

From Rob's and my own personal experience, this threat is not just theoretical, not just a concern of scaredy-cat cowards or those easily cowed and manipulated by the media. To both of us, remembering Andrea and Ginny, it is searingly real. So forgive me if I reject well-meaning pats on the head. Forgive me if I seem rather defensive and emotional about this.

I think I have a right to be.

I'm making this a general post, because I don't want to be rude to anyone personally.

Comments

[callunav.livejournal.com]

THANK you.

Not about whether or not to be alarmed - I woudn't dream of passing judgment, it sounded reasonable to me, and anyhow there's nothing good to come of telling someone not to *feel* something, as though feelings are something we ponder and decide to have or not have, according to expert testimony.

(Besides, I wish someone had ever been protective of /me/.)

But THANK you for realizing that you felt angry, figuring out a lot of the different reasons /why/ you felt angry (because it's never just one level) and then writing such a clear, articulate....not defense....elaboration. It's generous of you - you will feel whatever you feel, with or without the understanding of anyone here: to explain it is an act of courtesy.

You make very good sense.

And...I'll admit that I started to respond earlier today, to the other post, and then deleted my comment. It was partly that I was at work and pressed for time, but it was mostly that I was too bothered by the direction of some of the comments. So there's another piece of it.

It's a scary world. Kids get hurt. Kids get killed. Teaching children every trick in the book of yelling and running and fighting back when appropriate and asking for help and being cautious still can't guarantee safety. It's terrifying to love someone and know that you can't keep them safe; it's knowledge we all live with, every hour of every day (if we're sane). But when something in particular throws it in our faces, when something brings the threat even closer to home, paints the face of the nightmare clearly with recognizable features, what can we do but acknowledge that we are afraid? And be as wise as we can and as brave as we can and do all the best things we can, do everything that should be done, and still, in the depths, be afraid.

It's about love, that's all.

And this post is about respect.