Christmas eating tips

[pegkerr]

This was passed along by my sister-in-law today:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.

This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO!"

Comments

[sheryll.livejournal.com]

*picks self up off floor, still laughing*

That's exactly what I needed to start my day, Peg. Any tips on how to actually get to Christmas parties when you work nearly all the days between the 21st and the 1st? I don't even have Christmas Day off. :(

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

Am I the only one in the world who likes fruitcake? It is so maligned. Why do people make/buy it?

PS: some of the earliest recipes in the world, dating from ancient Mesopotamia, are for something remarkably like fruitcake. And no jokes about how they are still going around.

[naomikritzer]

My husband loves it. He prefers the home-baked kind (he bakes one himself most years) but he'll settle for the store-bought kind if that's what's available.

My grandmother still thinks that everyone likes it, despite it's iconic status as the thing nobody likes.

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

Well, I guess this thread proves that there are both lovers and despisers of the fruit cake in the world. (More for us!) It may be that the latter are generally more outspoken.

[nmsunbear.livejournal.com]

I like fruitcake. My in-laws introduced me to it. I've been experimenting with different recipes. A nontraditional lemon batter is really good, but I think I'm going to go traditional this year.

[carenejeans.livejournal.com]

I'm not *crazy* about fruitcake, but I make about 20 pounds of it every year. 8-) I love to *make* it, and when it's done, my husband, my mother, my sister and my brother are all lined up in my kitchen with their hands out, waiting for their *oof* cake.

[callunav.livejournal.com]

A good fruitcake is a thing of beauty and a joy for - very little time, if there's anyone sensible around. I never even knew fruitcakes were universally maligned until recently, I missed that bit of socialization. Apparently, the world is full of dry and flavorless fruitcake. Who knew? The fruitcake I've had has been sumptuous - rich, moist, spicy, dark dark dark, and eminently fruity. There is nothing not to like, unless, you know, you don't like spices or cake or fruit.

In fact (wait for the cries of shocked disbelief and horror) I'd take a good fruitcake over anything but a extraordinary chocloate cake, any day.

[aome.livejournal.com]

I just received my first-ever homemade fruitcake (courtesy of loupnoir and, I must say, it's miles ahead of the storebought (actually, mail-ordered), mass-produced brick my husband's grandmother used to send, which we never touched. I, too, have wondered why it's such a ubiquitous holiday item when most people seem to loathe the stuff.

Peg, even though I've seen this already, I really enjoyed the renewed laugh. I needed it today.

Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.

AMEN.

[gamps-garret.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I attended a presentation with that motto toward life by Merci Miglino; she lives every day by that last line -- and it shows in the beautiful laugh lines on her face.

GREAT holiday tips!

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

Lovely, and I hope it's not too Scrooge-ish to react "But I've got lots of stuff to do in January, I live in a city where party season runs St. Patrick's Day to New Year's and I have to have some time to do other stuff... "

[loup_noir]

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO!"

Yahoo! Give me a glass of cabernet instead of the martini and I'm there. I'll even eat the fruitcake, because I like them and I'll wash it down with a gallon of coffee.

What excellent advice. I think I'll go raid some of the holiday goodies for breakfast.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Do you have a fruitcake recipe you'd be willing to share? aome was just saying how good yours was.

Free Range Fruitcake Recipe

[loup_noir]

1 cup golden raisins
1 cup currants
1/2 cup sun dried cranberries
1/2 cup sun dried blueberries
1/2 cup sun dried cherries
1/2 cup dried apricots, chopped
Zest of one lemon, chopped coarsely
Zest of one orange, chopped coarsely
1/4 cup candied ginger, chopped
1 cup gold rum
1 cup sugar
5 ounces unsalted butter (1 1/4 sticks)
1 cup unfiltered apple juice
4 whole cloves, ground
6 allspice berries, ground
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger

1 3/4 cups all purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
2 eggs
1/4 to 1/2 cup toasted pecans, broken
Brandy for basting and/or spritzing

Combine dried fruits, candied ginger and both zests. Add rum and macerate overnight, or microwave for 5 minutes to re-hydrate fruit.

Place fruit and liquid in a non-reactive pot with the sugar, butter, apple juice and spices. Bring mixture to a boil stirring often, then reduce heat and simmer for 5 to 10 minutes. Remove from heat and cool for at least 15 minutes. (Batter can be completed up to this point, then covered and refrigerated for up to 2 days. Bring to room temperature before completing cake.)

Heat oven to 325 degrees.

Combine dry ingredients and sift into fruit mixture. Quickly bring batter together with a large wooden spoon, then stir in eggs one at a time until completely integrated, then fold in nuts. Spoon into a 10-inch non-stick loaf pan and bake for 1 hour. Check for doneness by inserting toothpick into the middle of the cake. If it comes out clean, it's done. If not, bake another 10 minutes, and check again.

Remove cake from oven and place on cooling rack or trivet. Baste or spritz top with brandy and allow to cool completely before turning out from pan.

When cake is completely cooled, seal in a tight sealing, food safe container. Every 2 to 3 days, feel the cake and if dry, spritz with brandy. The cake's flavor will enhance considerably over the next two weeks.
http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,,FOOD_9936_8157,00.html

Someone on my Flist sent me this link and the rest -- after a lot of soaking and zesting -- is history. I'd do this again in a heartbeat. One recipe will make four mini loaves and it took about forty minutes to bake. I'm not sure if the dried blueberries are necessary. I had to taste-test it, of course, and there was no blueberry taste. Same with the currents. Every other fruit in the mix could be tasted. Since the darn dried blueberries are really expensive out here in California, I'm going to pass on them next time.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Fruitcake--blegggh! So I'll have another helping of applie pie, please.

I like this person's attitude toward holiday foodies, yes!

[von-krag.livejournal.com]

Though I do like a good fruitcake I'll never trun down a slice of mince pie. :-)

[archmage45.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you for posting that!! I needed a laugh at work!

[lizardlaugh.livejournal.com]

THAT? So fucking awesome. I am going to make an exception to my cardinal email rule and forward it to everyone. Heh.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

I am so with your sister-in-law!

[marykaykare.livejournal.com]

Pretty much my approach to the holiday season. Except I do put out carrots -- my husband likes them while he doesn't like most party food. It's that last paragraphy that raises it to true art though. And I am SO there!

MKK

[callunav.livejournal.com]

I love the philosophy of life and death - I might change a few of the details, but I'm right along side of the basic point.

Several years ago, at a spiritual retreat, we spent a day dedicated to various meditations and rituals concerning death. Generally, foeach focus we worked on, we were taught a chant or a song. For that day, we were gathered solemnly and gravely instructed in the following verse, which our instructor had learned from her grandmother:

Enjoy yourself,
It's later than you think.
Enjoy yourself,
While you're still in the pink.
The years go by
As quickly as a wink,
So enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself
It's later than you think!

[franticgoddess.livejournal.com]

My dad loves that quote :)

I use skim in my mashed potatoes, but that's because 1.) it's all we have in the house/what I drink and 2.) I add about 2 tablespoons of sour cream :D