Late night entry
Dec. 28th, 2002 01:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pegkerrMy family gathers for the holidays the week between Christmas and New Years (we gather with our spouses' families over Christmas). This works quite well. We'll open gifts New Year's Eve. It really becomes a twelve days of Christmas celebration. I was at my sister's tonight; my brother just got into town with his family (from New York).
We had a good conversation, touching upon a wide variety of issues. I do enjoy my family and love them very much, but I will admit that this time of the year can still be difficult. It's the darkest time of the year, and I really feel the effect of that. And . . . I don't know . . . somehow, as much as I love my siblings and get along well with them and my parents for the most part, I find that I like myself just about the least at this time of year. Perhaps it's the preparation-for-the-holidays stress which makes me feel less competent. Or that they ask me questions that are not always easy to answer. ( "What are you doing with yourself?" may not always be a comfortable question, if secretly one is not happy with the answers.) Also, perhaps getting back together with my family of origin brings up old echoes and memories that somehow make me feel . . . raw, untested, untried. Hmm. Not explaining myself well. Must think on this more.
I heard Jack and Solveig talking in the back of my mind as I drove home tonight, which pleased me, as they have been rather silent the last three weeks or so. They were talking about permanence/impermanence, purportedly about the ice palace itself, but although Solveig doesn't know it, Jack was also thinking about how he has been forestalling his own death. A good sign, that I will be able to get back to it after the first of the year.
Very late, very tired. Too tired to try to pin down a better explanation of what I'm experiencing when I get together with my family.
And so to bed.
We had a good conversation, touching upon a wide variety of issues. I do enjoy my family and love them very much, but I will admit that this time of the year can still be difficult. It's the darkest time of the year, and I really feel the effect of that. And . . . I don't know . . . somehow, as much as I love my siblings and get along well with them and my parents for the most part, I find that I like myself just about the least at this time of year. Perhaps it's the preparation-for-the-holidays stress which makes me feel less competent. Or that they ask me questions that are not always easy to answer. ( "What are you doing with yourself?" may not always be a comfortable question, if secretly one is not happy with the answers.) Also, perhaps getting back together with my family of origin brings up old echoes and memories that somehow make me feel . . . raw, untested, untried. Hmm. Not explaining myself well. Must think on this more.
I heard Jack and Solveig talking in the back of my mind as I drove home tonight, which pleased me, as they have been rather silent the last three weeks or so. They were talking about permanence/impermanence, purportedly about the ice palace itself, but although Solveig doesn't know it, Jack was also thinking about how he has been forestalling his own death. A good sign, that I will be able to get back to it after the first of the year.
Very late, very tired. Too tired to try to pin down a better explanation of what I'm experiencing when I get together with my family.
And so to bed.
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(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-30 01:20 pm (UTC)It is difficult to feel accepting of yourself at this time - for many, many people.
Happy holidays, Peg. I'm looking forward to hearing about Jack and Solveig.