Crabby

[pegkerr]

The house is a mess. I am struggling with Delia over her violin lessons. She wants to quit. I'm torn: if I let her quit, what lesson am I teaching her--that it's ok to walk away from something just because it's difficult? Or would letting her quit be treating her feelings with respect, not trying to force her to do something she just doesn't want to do? Which is right? How the hell do I know? Maybe she could try again later, or with another instrument?

Why can't the answer be obvious? So much of parenting is just blundering along in a totally clueless fashion, hoping that if at least your intentions are pure, you won't screw up your kid too much.

I have told her I'm going to talk with her dad and her teacher, and we'll decide by mid next week. I suspect we're going to let her quit, with the proviso that she must choose another instrument in another couple of years. Maybe she'll be more patient when she's a little older.

Yeah, maybe. And maybe I'm kidding myself.

Patience. *Sigh.* I blew up several times today, and so am in a mood of total self-loathing. I dropped the stylus for my PDA in the kitchen trash by mistake, because I was checking my calendar on it against the wall calendar (which hangs right over the trash can). I emptied, by hand, that whole stinking mess--banana peels, egg shells, turkey bones and gravy, spilled Bisquick--trying to find that damn stylus. I covered my hands with garbage, cursing and cursing, getting more and more furious. I couldn't find the damn thing. "Forget about it," Rob said. "You can buy a new one at the store for $3.00."

I went out and walked around the block, trying to calm down.

I came back in and tried to scroll through my PDA without the stylus. Without the stylus, it wouldn't work. I blew up again. This time I went out and drove to the lake and I had to sit there for a half hour before I could calm down.

What was wrong with me? I have no idea. I have absolutely no idea why I let such a stupid thing get to me. I have struggled with my rotten temper all of my life. I just had no self control tonight, and I behaved so dreadfully that I can't blame Rob for fleeing up the stairs with his hands over his ears, but seeing him do so made me even angrier!

I remember that St. Paul talked about the annoyance of having a thorn in his flesh, and how he prayed to God to take it away, and God did not. I always wondered whether Paul was talking about having a bad temper. I was pulling my car into the garage after coming back from the lake, and I looked up and groaned, "Why did you make me this way?"

Graarrhhhh.

Peg, who needs to go to bed and pull the covers over her head to shut out the world.

Comments

[morganmalfoy.livejournal.com]

Some days, it's not that anything huge is happening, but the little things seem so huge. Some days everything grates on your last nerve. It's okay. Everything is better in the morning.

-M

[flourish.livejournal.com]

Keep her at it. I hated piano and now I love it. She'll love violin, too, eventually.

[aome.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I was going to suggest the opposite. My mom let me quit (piano and flute), and let me move on to something I enjoyed better. I never had any trouble sticking to gymnastics, most forms of dance, or singing. I'm just not cut out to be an instrumental musician. (It's the patience/regiment factor.) But perhaps you could even suggest a short-term break. Maybe she just needs a breather? Or perhaps a different teacher, one that makes the instrument more fun?

As for the stylus - it's amazing how much the small things can piss us off. As for "what's wrong with you" - you've presumably had a full weekend of kids, one of whom is also cranky, and it's the end of winter. I think we're all entitled to have a bad day. At least you knew to get yourself out so you could find a moment's peace. I hope tomorrow is better.

[I also hope I'm not posting obnoxiously on your LJ]

[tigergladys.livejournal.com]

When I was around Delia's age I wanted to quit playing violin SO badly - my parents would never let me though - they kept saying, "One more week, see how it goes." I ended up playing for 12 years after that, although I never was fantastic at it - orchestra politics were the main detraction, not the music.
Why does she want to quit? Is it because she's tired of it, and bored with it, or that she thinks she's not good at it and it's too hard? The reasoning behind her wanting to quit should be a good indicator for your decision.

What's wrong with you?

[daedala.livejournal.com]

Are you still worried about M?

That would explain a lot, really.

As for Delia, so much depends on why she wants to quit. Being a quitter isn't good; neither is never ever letting yourself fail at anything, on pain of death.

I think it might be useful to ask her what kind of lessons she wants, with the idea that she must learn some lifelong skill that can be shared with others, be it music, judo, dance, cooking, sewing, visual arts, etc.

I'm not sure if you guys stayed at the music parties long enough for her to hear Anne and Andy play. That might give her a concrete goal to aspire to: I know I had a lot of trouble as a kid learning stuff that I never ever saw anyone else use, and so it seemed an especial torture just for me. I could be reading instead!

[mark356.livejournal.com]

I hate to make it sound like everyone has advice on Delia and her violin, but I would tell her to keep it up for a certain amount of time more, like two weeks precisely, and if she still wants to quit then, let her. If she really wants to quit, keeping her studying it will be a waste of her time and the time of money of both you and the teacher, and two more weeks shouldn't be so hard; if she's just having a not-so-violiney mood, it will probably be over after two weeks.

Sorry that you've been having a bad day; I hate pulling apart the trash piece by piece, even if there isn't really any organic matter in it. I hope you feel better soon!

[laurel]

For whatever it's worth:

My parents made me take piano lessons for 8 years and I rarely have played piano since I stopped taking lessons. I wish I'd learned more in those 8 years, I was told I had a lot of natural ability-- but I only practiced and took lessons because my parents made me do it.

I didn't have a love for music when I was a kid. Sure, I liked listening to some records, but I didn't have the love for it that developed later in life when I started seeing more music live and listening to more recordings. I think if I'd loved music, I might've appreciated the lessons more. Switching piano teachers a lot (they kept retiring on me) didn't help either. Of course these days given the kinds of music I like and parties I go to, I rather wish I'd learned mandolin or guitar or something like that. When asked what instrument I might like to learn when I was a kid, I had no idea. I'm glad for the music training, but it hasn't amounted to much.

Exposing the girls to more music might help them develop a love of it earlier, maybe. As Rachael suggested, seeing Anne and Andy (or Gary Schulte or Lorraine or someone) play at a music party someplace could be inspirational. Or seeing some concerts. Heck, there was a Natalie MacMaster concert on cable earlier tonight-- seeing her in person or on tape or TV somehow could be fun. Maybe you've tried this stuff already, but then maybe a few more or different styles might help. Of course it's entirely possible she might fall in love with an instrument other than violin, which could also be a very good thing if she loves it.

Also might be good for her to talk to someone who now excels at the instrument, to have them explain how long it took to learn and stuff like that. I bet plenty of people who learned as adults wish they'd learned as kids. I don't recall if she chose the violin herself; I know that a kid can think they love music and want to learn an instrument and then get frustrated by it or bored by it.

It's tough. I've occasionally wondered what I'd do in your situation. Or what (if anything) I wish my parents had done differently. Not sure, there doesn't seem to be an easy answer.

[therosewilde.livejournal.com]

I would recomend the same as Mark said. Keep her at it for a short set period of time. I was forced into Ballet lessons, because my mother thought I ought to take them. I hated them so much, that by the end, I would just stand in the corner and ignore everyone.
I think if you force her to keep doing it, it will be a waste of everyone's time, and she would probably resent you.
I dont know how parents cope. I never could.

@-'-,---------------

[sleigh.livejournal.com]

FWIW, neither Denise nor I believe in forcing kids to take music lessons, but we do believe in their having to keep commitments. I'm a musician, and both our kids wanted to take piano lessons when they were young. We told them they had to commit for six months. Our daughter ended up taking lessons for a year, year and a half, and then decided to quit. If she'd told us she wanted to study another instrument, we would have let her, with the same commitment; she didn't. Our son took piano for two or three years, then decided he'd had enough. A few years ago, he decided he wanted to be a drummer... and he's become a fantastic one who has awed his teachers, and we can't keep him _away_ from the drum set...

Playing an instrument takes time -- but it also takes patience and dedication and love of the instrument. Once the child has been playing for a time, forcing them to continue will only make them resent the instrument, the time, and maybe music in general. I'd allow Delia to quit, continue to expose her to music, and listen for an indication that she'd either like to resume lessons or learn another instrument...

[(Anonymous)]

As if you need more input - but yeah my parents always said "you need to finish the term and then you can decide" (a term being 4 months) and we kept on for 11 years, scholarship and all, and enjoy being able to play extremely much. My sister on the other hand finished her term, quit, and is equally happy. But we both learned to finish terms. :)

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

The limited time required commitment thing seems like a good idea, to me. Mamma made my older sister and I commit a year (2?) of piano, when she begged & begged for lessons. (Being the younger, I got dragged along to do pretty much everything my sister wanted to do.)

After 2 years, she never touched the keyboard again, but I kept on for 6? more, and still play today.

Temper: remember Jo and Marmee? I never though I had a temper like Jo's, but now that I'm all grown up, I sure recognize it. I always thought it was awfully condescending that marrying Mr. Alcott^WMarch improved her (Marmee's) temper. And now I live with someone who never gets mad, and is rarely provoking, and my temper is *ever* so much better. Not that I have a complete grip on it, but at least now I can contemplate having children without worrying about becoming Medea.

[praetorianguard.livejournal.com]

*big sigh*

I don't know what to tell you. I've been playing the piano since I was three, and I only have vague memories of learning. But I didn't take lessons until I was 10 and I hated them, but I think that's because I held my teacher in utter contempt. I still love the piano, and I'm very good, but it wasn't from lessons, believe me.

On the other hand, I started the flute when I was 10, and took lessons all the way through high school and into college. The flute got me into college actually, because that's what I auditioned on. I only love the flute when I'm taking lessons.

And I started the trumpet in junior high, just because it was loud enough for marching band. And I only loved it in marching band.

I don't know what to tell you. I went through the quitting thing, too, when I was little, but it was ballet and some weird pom-pom thing instead of music. But then I know adults who wish that they had learned an instrument when they were, or that their parents hadn't let them quit, because it's much more difficult to learn when you're grown.

I guess I'd let her quit. She might go back to it. I quit piano lessons and went back (before quitting again, because I still hated my teacher). But I think I'd encourage her to join the band or something when it's time in school. At least then she'd have friends to do it with.

That wasn't very helpful, was it? *hugs*

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

I like Steve's idea of making them commit for N months.

FWIW, I took piano lessons as a child. My parents made me, and eventually I complained som much they let me quit. I now wish they hadn't.

B

[eal.livejournal.com]

I'll wade in, too. I really think I'd sit her down and find out why she wants to quit. If she's old enough have her write out her reasons beforehand. This is what my Dad made me do whenever I wanted to do or not do something. It does two things: first, it lets you, as the parent, see whether her reasons make sense for quitting. I know my Dad would never take -- it's too hard; second, it helps build up her argumentation skills.

If you do decide to let her quit, I'd say make her finish out the school year and then she can quit. The thing that I've noticed in my god-daughter is that the moment something seems difficult to her, she has a tendancy to want to quit. We (being her mother and I) make sure she sees, at least me, try things and be lousy at them because she needs to see that quitting in the face of difficulty is going to lead to a very boring life.

Okay. Good luck with this.

Beth

[(Anonymous)]

Just a lurker who wanted to add a couple of data points. My parents started me with Suzuki violin lessons when I was about six, and my younger brother later on. I was never that good, but my brother felt intimidated by having to "compete" with me on the same instrument, and wanted to switch to cello. My mom allowed him to do that, and he did well.

OTOH, I did gymnastics for a few years, and towards the end I hated it. I felt fat and uncoordinated (I was neither) and it felt like no one cared at all how unhappy I was when I was there. Mercifully my mother let me quit after a few months of misery.

-cg

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

A capped pen makes a fine stylus in a pinch.

B

[diony.livejournal.com]

I think everyone has said really good things about the Delia situation; I'm going to steal the idea of 'committ for this long' for when I have kids -- my fiancee and I have been talking a lot about things like music lessons and the balance between forcing kids to do something they hate and teaching them self-discipline. It sounds incredibly tricky.

As for the whole anger thing... a therapist I worked with for a while (and G-d I hope I'm not repeating myself here, but this is such a useful thought for me I have to share it with the world) said that she sees anger as an indication that one wants something to change. If I'm angry at a person, it's almost always because they're behaving in a way that I want them to change. If I'm angry at inanimate objects it usually ends up that I'm angry at myself for having made some sort of mistake and am getting it out by being furious at the glass of milk I spilled, the phone cord I tripped over, etc.

Just thoughts -- I hope the world is treating you better today!