Dinner: A failure

[pegkerr]

I ask you: why do I bother? Why?? Why???

I did not know what to make for dinner. I had gone through an entire lovely new vegetarian cookbook I bought: 100 recipes, of which 80% or so I would certainly eat. The photographs were beautiful; I practically drowned in my own drool. But I couldn't find a single one for which a) I had all the ingredients and b) did not include an ingredient (or more often, two, three or more) that someone in my family would refuse. Onions? Nope. Bell peppers? Nope. Polenta? Nope. Cooked tomatoes? Nope. Dried fruit? Nope. Kale? Are you kidding?

Rob was not going to be home tonight (working late at the store).

I suggested stir fry to Miss Delia. Delia told me that she is a vegetarian, but this doesn't mean, you know, that she would eat any cooked vegetables.

She rejected the vegetarian taco I gave her last night because it had refried beans. Apparently, she is a vegetarian who will not eat most types of beans, either. I told her that if she wanted to be a vegetarian, she had to be willing to try things. She started to cry. I said in my most reasonable tone: "Did I tell you you couldn't be a vegetarian? Did I? No, I did not. Did I not say that I was willing to try recipes for you? Yes, I did. But you have to be willing to try things."

In desperation, I pulled out my Moosewood cookbook and made an orange tahini sauce which went over whole wheat pasta (no, she will not eat rice), uncooked spinach, a slice or two of avocados (yes, we were trying to be daring although I should have known better) and the very first asparagus from our garden.

I ate mine. The girls both refused theirs and their dinners were scraped into the garbage. Then they moaned about being hungry.

(*Must . . . stop . . . Fist of Death . . . *)

Edited to add: I found this picture. It is perfect.

Comments

[matociquala.livejournal.com]

When they get hungry enough, they'll eat.

I did.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

But how much food will they waste before they do, dammit?

[matociquala.livejournal.com]

Do what my mom did. If they don't eat it, put it in the fridge and warm it up for them the next meal.

I gotta tell you, as an adult, I am the least picky eater I know.

[kate_nepveu]

Yes, that sounded mostly reheatable to me.

Peg, I don't have teenagers and my family's food conflicts were mostly over by the time I was a teenager. So I don't know if this is practical--but I do wonder if perhaps it would help if the girls were responsible for cooking, or at least picking, their own meals? With basic nutrition requirements, of course.

Just a thought.

[aome.livejournal.com]

Give them teeny tiny servings of new foods, keep the rest separate for the adults to eat if they won't?

Can you sit down with Delia and have her list the foods she WILL eat and those she's willing to TRY? Teach her to cook for herself so if she insists on something plainer, she'll have to expend the energy and time to do it (vs getting a 'free' meal that you make)? I dunno - grasping at straws here. I don't blame you one bit for wanting to throttle someone - I know I would feel the same. Maybe it's time to stop trying so hard when they're not trying at all; cook as you want until they offer to help out (or be more venturesome).

[teggy.livejournal.com]

Delurking to say, that sounds so amazing. I would have loved to have that for dinner.

Maybe you could ask Delia to start actively planning out her own meals? Ever Saturday or Sunday she could give you a list for the week chosen from a long list of preapproved meals that aren't hard for you to make, that way you could take that into consideration when you grocery shop?

I'm so impressed by the way that you are considerate of what your kids want to eat. I know as a child that I was simply expected to eat whatever was placed infront of me. The only time I ever was allowed to not eat a whole meal it was milk soup with prunes.

Anyway, sorry to be so verbose. I just want you to know you're doing a really good job.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

Our house had a working mom, a working dad, and a simple a rule: eat it or be hungry until breakfast. The corollary to this rule, when we got old enough to reach the counter, was: make your own damn dinner *g*

Do the girls take vitamins? If Delia is going to be a vegetarian that would be a good idea at her age. I don't remember if you already wrote that or not. If they do get a multivitamin then they can be a little less omnivorous and eat more limited choices without too much trouble.

There's a book out there called "the omnivore's dilemna" which talks about how humans basically evolved ourselves into a bad spot, because we need something like 50 nutrients to get by, and have to eat such a wide variety of foods to get it that we have ... a dilemna (see also book title).

Anyway, sorry the dinner went to waste. It sounds yummy.

[kijjohnson.livejournal.com]

They'll waste a fair amount while they get over the notion that you'll fold if they complain enough. They'll eat eventually. My grandmother did sort of the same thing.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Yeah, not eating tonight won't kill them.

[serenya-loreden.livejournal.com]

All good advice here. We had to eat 'no thank you' servings, about a spoonful. Mostly aimed at my brother who was resistant to trying new foods. We were not offered alternate meals -- refuse to eat dinner and you're hungry? reheat it or make yourself cereal (note the 'make yourself'). And we ate leftovers a lot, so scraping it into the trash was NOT an option in my house growing up. Food was too expensive to waste like that.

[moony]

Isn't it quite impossible and unhealthy to be a vegetarian and not eat beans? Where will she get protein? If she's not willing to eat things, she can't be a vegetarian. It's that simple. It's unhealthy and she's still growing.

I'm with the other commenter. It will suck, but they will eat when they're hungry, and if they won't eat what you offer them the first time, they will the second or third time. Or impose a rule that if they don't eat, they don't leave the table.

Or maybe you shouldn't waste so much energy on trying to feed them specially? Just make something you know they'll eat, and only feed them that. Eventually, they'll tire of having the same thing, every single day. When they complain, tell them you're tired of their attitudes toward food and you'll be more inclined to cook for them again when they're mature enough to appreciate it. Until then, they can eat the same thing, every day, all the time, day in and day out. Or they can make themselves something. The fact is that you aren't going to waste any more of your time on it. It might not work, but it might save you some time, money and sanity, while making certain that they eat.

This pickiness doesn't sound like a real aversion to any type of food, it sounds like pickiness for the sake of being picky. I don't understand all the tears, either. Being told to try things is not a reason to cry.

*hugs* You're awesome for trying, though. Not a lot of kids have mothers who put so much effort into what they eat.

[naomikritzer]

What on earth does she think you ought to be feeding her?

I am weirdly reminded of Kiera's current potty issues. She will not poop in the potty; she will not poop in her diaper; she is uncomfortable because her body is telling her that she needs to poop. So she screams bloody murder and drives us all crazy.

[dejaspirit.livejournal.com]

Yep. What she said.

[cupcake-goth.livejournal.com]

Or maybe you shouldn't waste so much energy on trying to feed them specially? Just make something you know they'll eat, and only feed them that. Eventually, they'll tire of having the same thing, every single day. When they complain, tell them you're tired of their attitudes toward food and you'll be more inclined to cook for them again when they're mature enough to appreciate it. Until then, they can eat the same thing, every day, all the time, day in and day out. Or they can make themselves something. The fact is that you aren't going to waste any more of your time on it. It might not work, but it might save you some time, money and sanity, while making certain that they eat.

Yes, this. Because you will drive yourself crazy if you keep trying to find things they are willing to eat. To me, it seems like they're being picky to show they have control over something.

Also, if I had pulled this sort of behavior on *my* parents? I would have been told that I could starve, I could live off of peanut butter sandwiches, or I could learn to be a reasonable and polite person.

[http://users.livejournal.com/anam_cara_/]

It sounds like Delia thinks that the label "vegetarian" = "license to be a picky eater"

There's a lot of advice here, and you need to do what is best for you- but there's nothing wrong with taking a stance and refusing the manipulation and stress (it seems almost like emotional blackmail).

I do know that my mother tried the "make it yourself" route, as did I with my son, but in both cases there was no end to the same meal over and over and over- with very limited nutritional value. So, now my son can have his own meal, but he has to tell me *how* he is meeting different features of the food pyramid. His veggie variety is very limited, and he does usually eat them raw, but they tend to be easy to keep stocked in the fridge.

Good luck!! I hope some day your daughters realize the amount of effort you've put into their meals!

[wilfulcait.livejournal.com]

A picky eater is someone who won't eat what the cook likes. Sounds like the girls need to learn to cook. Take it in rotation, so each of you cooks every third (or fourth - does Rob cook?) night. Eventually they'll either be so glad it's not their turn that they'll eat what you make, or they'll learn to fix enough on their nights that they can eat the leftovers.

[norabombay.livejournal.com]

You didn't actually throttle anyone.

I count that as a win. At this point? Not killing them till they get through puberty is a win.

If it makes you feel better? one of the best meals I had with my mother?

Was triscuits that had been microwaved with some "pizza and pasta magic", olive oil, and some parmesian out of a pan.

Eaten standing together in the kitchen, off a shared plate over the stove.

It let us bond though...

[woodrunner.livejournal.com]

Hauling myself out of lurk-hood to respond, if only because it seems as if Delia doesn't really understand the concept of being vegetarian. Yes, even vegetarians are picky (for the love of Pete, I will not eat tofu) but a lot of vegetarians themselves don't really understand the concept of proper nutrition.

I didn't decide to turn vegetarian - a meat-disliking stomach did it for me, and I wasn't Delia's age either, but I had a lot of learning to do about vegetarianism in all its forms before I figured out that I can eat all the lettuce in the world and it's not going to be a healthy thing to do all the time.

Although you've probably done this already, is it possible for Delia to speak to others, child or otherwise, who are vegetarian? For her to ask questions, for them to show her how they eat properly, just to increase her own awareness of what she wants and what there is?

I know a kick in the head for me was - like you - realizing that I can't make a blasted recipe out of my vegetarian book because I don't have the stuff I need in the fridge (but that changed quickly) and realizing that I'm tired and have no energy. I bought a book that is admittedly aimed for adults called Becoming Vegetarian, and reading it made it sank in how to eat properly and healthy while vegetarian. Surely there must be similar books for Delia?

Incidentally, your meals sound delicious. Can I eat at your table?

[psychic-serpent.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we're having a little of that problem with Rachel, the vegetarian who does not like tofu. Luckily, she will eat cooked vegetables, loves onions, peppers and mushrooms, and is now especially fond of eggplant (as in stuffed eggplant, eggplant parmigiana, etc.). It's the meat substitution we're having issues with in terms of nutrition, not texture (eggplant and mushrooms aren't bad substitutes, texture-wise). We don't want to have seafood absolutely every night because of mercury issues. (It's usually not a problem unless you're eating seafood constantly.) But when we tried some actual soybeans the Sunday night, stir-fried with onions, butter and garlic, we discovered that soybeans do not actually absorb flavors like butter and garlic. (I couldn't get spinach on Saturday! Curses!) The only mouthfuls of beans that tasted like anything at all were the ones with bits of onion. Chris, Rachel and I were extremely underwhelmed by the soybeans; anything else cooked in butter and garlic is usually yummy (especially spinach, my fave!).

Oddly enough, Ben-the-Carnivore actually tried some couscous with his lamb chops on Easter. I finished my beans because they were basically inoffensive. (I was hoping they didn't taste like lima beans, because I really can't stand those and they resembled lima beans.) Rachel had only a few beans and mostly ate couscous.

::sigh:: Most days she takes a tuna sandwich for lunch and then also has a vegetarian hoagie after school. I'm still working on how to get enough protein and iron into her. Ben's been eating ham and cheese hoagies like they're going out of style in the last year and has shot up to 5'7", six inches taller than his sister. Which might just be because he's thirteen and a boy who was "scheduled" for a growth spurt. But I worry about her growth being stunted if she doesn't get enough of what she needs at this crucial time.

[mizzlaurajean.livejournal.com]

I'm curious what they would eat if it were up to them?

[avengangle.livejournal.com]

I tried being a vegetarian back when I was twelve or so, and it's difficult when you're a kid. (Also when you're lactose intolerant, so you have to combine proteins carefully.)

I'm going to go with the 'serving them the same meal until they eat it' deal, because it worked with my brother. (See, I was the good kid/oldest kid, so I never did that whole picky eater thing.) He now eats things like salads, and he went through his whole chicken-nuggets-and-mac-and-cheese phase.

Good luck. The fact that you cook at all is seriously awesome.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

My family rules growing up were a bit of most everything that everyone else said.

Here's how it worked:

Food was served to the table. You were responsible to put stuff on your own plate. If you put food on your plate, though, you'd eat it. Even if that meant putting the plate in the fridge and eating it later. If it genuinely got mouldy, it'd be thrown out, but you'd be pretty darned hungry by the time that happened. (Restaurants and other places where food was plated for you did not have this rule -- if somene ELSE filled your plate, you ate until you weren't hungry anymore. However, if you filled your OWN plate, you'd better not put more food than you wanted to eat on it.)

You were responsible to eat ONE BITE of any new food. This meant that, if it was the first time something was served, you'd place one bite on your plate, eat it, then decide whether to put a real serving on your plate.

If it was a food that you knew you didn't like, and it was a new preparation, you still needed to take one bite. If it was exactly a recipe that you knew you didn't like, you weren't requred to taste it.

Mind you, this did mean that there was one time that my mother prepared a dish which contained both fish AND mushrooms AND cilantro, three things I can't stand to this day, and I still had to try one bite. It was dreadful.

If you didn't like anything being served, you could make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The cook wouldn't make it for you -- you'd make it yourself. You were still required to eat your sandwich with everyone else at the table.

My sister and I each had to cook dinner one day of the week; Mom cooked three, and Dad cooked two. Actually, Mom cooked two, and Wednesdays were pizza night.

What did this all teach me? Well, I can cook, and I always try a new food. I don't like every new food I try, but I'm always willing to give it a shot.

Also, and far more importantly, it kept my parents from going insane.

[http://users.livejournal.com/anam_cara_/]

A picky eater is someone who won't eat what the cook likes

I think this beyond that, as she is *trying* to appease Delia- who seems unwilling to even sample anything new or remotely related to something else she might dislike (not liking ALL beans, or greens or cooked veggies) or even give suggestions of what she is willing to eat.

I'd...

[lsanderson.livejournal.com]

Make sure they have multi-vitamins and then let them stew. You are being too kind.

[tiellan.livejournal.com]

Hee. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a vegetarian. Desperately. One big problem. I didn't like vegetables. At all. One cannot become a vegetarian on only corn, potatoes, and green beans. I realized this, and gave up my desire to be vegetarian.

On a more serious note, what about having the girls be responsible for making their own vegetarian dinners. It will not only ease the burden from you, but it may help them realize that either (a) people who don't like vegetables shouldn't be vegetarians or (b) they need to be willing to try more vegetables. Maybe even have them prepare their own meals for the better part of a week.