I'm afraid this is really not going to work

[pegkerr]

I am really an idiot for not realizing the total ramifications of this until now, but I think I am running into a problem of trying to make karate work.

The problem is the schedule. The dojo schedule I had posted on my kitchen bulletin board is an old one. That wasn't really a issue because the girls' classes were the same on both the old and the new schedule. But my class times are different than I realized they would be.

What it boils down to is that the girls' classes, three days a week, end forty minutes before my class begins. I discovered tonight that it is impossible to get the girls home after their class, serve them dinner and get back in time for my own class.

Monday: the girls 5:40 - 6:20. Me (sparring) 7:00 p.m. (I thought this class was at 7:40.)

It takes a few minutes to get out of the dojo: the girls have to gather their coats and put on their shoes. The drive to the dojo (or back) takes about twelve minutes. I made a crock pot meal tonight, but by the time I got home, dealt with a spill in the refrigerator, and got dinner on the table, class had already started. And not only would I have to drive back, I would have had to get on my sparring gear, which would make me even later to get started.

Wednesday is even worse. The girls' class starts at 5:00 and goes till 5:40. My class is at 6:20. I would have to drop Delia at home (12 minutes), change into my gi (if I didn't have it on already), drive Fiona to the church for confirmation (12 minutes), rush back to the dojo for my class (20 minutes), rush back to pick up Fiona and drive home. Again, not enough time.

Friday would have the same schedule as Monday, except that's the girls' sparring day. So there would be a delay after class for them to get all their sparring gear off and packed away. Again, there wouldn't be time enough to get them home, get dinner served and eaten and get back in time to make class.

There isn't any public transportation that could solve this issue, and Rob is not able to help with any of this carpooling. He doesn't get off work on time, and he is not reliable. I can't take my classes with the girls--they don't mix kids and adults at my dojo, and besides, we are at different belt levels. And I don't want to make them wait for an hour and a half after their own class ends for them to get home and eat dinner. With their homework they don't have time to waste, and they wouldn't be able to wait until 8:00 p.m. to eat dinner when they have to be in bed by 8:30 in order to get up to get out to the bus stop in the morning by 7:00 a.m.

Bottom line? Either I forget about dinner, for either me or the girls, or give up the idea of taking karate. I really don't want to give up the dinner hour--that is just about the only family time we have left.

I guess this means I am not going to be taking karate after all.

shit.

Well, there's one good thing: I won't have to clean the dojo now.

Edited to add: I don't think I'm looking for advice right now. Just commiseration, I guess.

Edited to add again: I am really REALLY miserable over this. I mean, I'm in tears over it. I wanted it so badly.

It'll be a year before the girls change classes. They're going to be in this class until they pass their black belts.

Comments

[catmcroy.livejournal.com]

Have you thought about packing sandwiches for the girls to eat while they do homework while you are in class? Then you could maybe schedule something family-ish for after class?

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

You know, it's a thought, but . . . I just don't want to do that to them. I don't want to do that to us as a family. It would mean Rob would eat dinner alone, and urgh. It just doesn't feel right.

[aome.livejournal.com]

But it doesn't feel right that YOU have to give up something that you've made clear is awfully important to you. :(

(calorie-free) hot-chocolate and hugs of sympathy, for whichever sacrifice (time, food, or karate) ends up being made.

[leiabelle.livejournal.com]

I was going to offer advice, but I don't think that's what you need right now. *hugs*

[callunav.livejournal.com]

Well, crap.

But doesn't actually mean, not that you won't be able to do it, but that it's going to be delayed until the schedule times change again, or the girls pass belt tests which put them into different sections again? Possibly I'm just not grasping the way it all works.

There's no public transportation the girls could use to get home, nor anyone in their classes you could carpool with?

And...well, how much of the problem is Rob working late, and how much is him not being reliable? Because the latter seems like an issue. Though quite likely one you don't want to address here and now, which I would understand.

Anyhow, drat. I'm really sorry you ran into this, especially after so much thought and mental preparation.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

They'll be in this class until they test for black belt. That'll be another year.

No public transportation.

The fault isn't Rob per se; it's the times that his employer schedules him.

Drat, indeed.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

By "not reliable" I mean that he works retail, and so if he gets a customer at the end of his shift, he has to keep working with that person until they are finished. So his time is really not his own to determine at the end of his working day.

[callunav.livejournal.com]

Well, that sucks. I'm really sorry. I sort of like catmcroy's suggestion, but no matter what, it sucks that something that was already teetering on the edge of being unmanageable just got significantly more difficult.

Lots and lots of sympathies.

[bekkio.livejournal.com]

What about packing sandwiches for dinner on those nights and having them stay at the dojo while you're at your class? They could work on their homework while you're training.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

You know, it's a thought, but . . . I just don't want to do that to them. I don't want to do that to us as a family. It would mean Rob would eat dinner alone, and urgh. It just doesn't feel right.

[kishmish.livejournal.com]

I was going to suggest the same thing..I mean the girls would still be hungry for real dinner if they just snacked and Rob could wait (perhaps snack if he's really hungry) and you could just start having family dinner late when you get back. It might not be bad, maybe it would be fun to hang out and do your homework or read a book at the dojo for an hour before going home for dinner.

[bekkio.livejournal.com]

I really agree with Plu's comments up above - it doesn't seem right that you'd be the only one giving up something that you really want. It would be good for your girls to see you getting something that means a lot to you, since you are modeling what being a mom is all about. It shouldn't be about self-sacrifice all of the time, but rather about compromises.

Last suggestion, I promise. Would it be possible to train 2 nights a week instead of 3? Or maybe even alternate 2 nights one week, 1 night the next? It might slow down your advancement but might result in a bit more balance between everything. Maybe you can make dessert a family affair on those nights you all can't have dinner together?

[tassie-gal.livejournal.com]

No Advice just tea and sympathy. :-( I know how hyped you were about starting again....

[sarekofvulcan.livejournal.com]

*offers commiseration*

With my commute and work habits, I don't get to see the girls as much as I should. I'm hoping that after the move, I can manage to be an independent consultant, working from home.

[wilfulcait.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry to hear this. Scheduling things for a family can be so crazy, and so hard to work out.

[diatryma.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. You'd think it'd be easier to schedule things for a family that does things like this together, but it seldom is. I hope the schedule changes soon so I can read how excited you are and be excited in turn.

[ckd]

No advice, just joining in the commiseration. I hope that the schedule changes in a way that works for you, because you do deserve the chance to do this for you.

[naomikritzer]

Well, crap.

That's frustrating, but like you, I would not do sandwiches. That sounds like a miserable solution for all of you.

I hate hate hate the "frantic running around to places with the car" part of motherhood. And I don't do nearly as much of it as you do.

[loup_noir]

Wait, wait, wait. Don't give up a dream quite this quickly.

Okay, so we have the kids' classes and a gap before yours.

Let's suss this out.

One - is there anyone taking the kids' classes who could be relied upon to take the kids home?

Two - could you get someone to take the kids to their classes so you could have a few moments with Rob? That might make things smoother.

Three - Is there something else Fiona and Delia could do during your class? Homework? Swimming?

I know you don't feel comfortable having them hang out until your class is over, but think about this for a few moments with a slightly greedy heart. Would that be so bad? Could Rob come over to the dojo and take them? Or, could he show up and after class, you all could go to some cheapish place close by for a snack or something like coffee/cocoa?

There's always a way, Peg. Step back for a moment and think about this. Tomorrow may very well be better, because tonight's already late for you.

Please don't give up something you want -- and we all know you really want this -- until you've had a chance to coolly examine all the possibilities.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I know you don't feel comfortable having them hang out until your class is over, but think about this for a few moments with a slightly greedy heart. Would that be so bad?

We did do this during some of the time we were both taking classes last year. The girls absolutely hated it.

Yes, I want karate classes. But I also want the dinner hour. You see, that is not simply the time that we re-fuel our bodies. That time is the anchor bedrock of our family; our only real time together. It is the time where we go around and each say our day went, it is THAT time that connects us, that actually makes us a family. On Mondays and Fridays I wouldn't get home until almost 8:00. That is too late for starting dinner, too late for an expedition elsewhere.

No, switching family time to breakfast would not work. I am the only person who is actually awake in the morning.

This just SUCKS.

[loup_noir]

Ah. When you put it that way, I understand.

Darn it. There has to be a good compromise here somewhere.

*thinks* Has some wine. *thinks*

Crockpot cooking? Big veggie soups? Mac and cheese?

This inspires divisive thinking. Part of me wants you to forge ahead, damn the whole family dinner thing, but I see so many kids who are unable to function in what my aged brain thinks of as family and socialized. No, this is something that needs to be thought through.

Doggone it.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Ugh. That's really quite disappointing. And I'm sorry. (As someone for whose family the dinner time was very important, I'm way with you on that front.)

[eal.livejournal.com]

Wow -- I'm so sorry. I know you were looking forward to it and I know that dinner hour is important to you, too.

I wish I had some pithy solution that would fix all of this, but I don't. Just know you have my sympathies -- and hopes that you'll find a way to work this out eventually.

[ceelee.livejournal.com]

In a few short years your kids will be gone off to college and then you can do all the things you want to do for yourself. These years that the kids are at home pass very quickly and you may have to put some of your "things" on hold. Just sayin...
The Voice of Experience

[aerden.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear that, Peg. But I agree, it's too insane a scheduling conflict. You would likely go nuts from doing all that driving, and somewhere down the line, somebody would resent it.

I hate the thought of you having to give up karate, though. You sound so vibrant when you talk about it, and I loved reading your posts about your lessons.

Will you be able to talk with the sensei about this? I know the schedule is what it is, but maybe he or she can help you plan for a time when you would be able to return to classes.

That said, I think you made a good choice. Keeping the family dinner is worth it. I grew up in a family that sat around the dinner table, and I do appreciate the subtle value of it as well as the obvious ones. That sense of family is important to have.

Wishing you the best--

Chantal

[jbru.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that, Peg. I hope you can find something to do that caters to that warrior spirit (or whatever it was) in you that was drawn to karate in the first place. I'm happy to brainstorm ideas in that direction if you should want that.

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

Yikes. I just don't see how you can do it, either, and, even if you tried, you'd be so stressed that I don't see how you could really focus on *your* karate.

I'm so sorry. I know how much you need this.

[pameladean]

I'm truly sorry, Peg; you were so ready to do this. Sometimes the universe just won't bend enough.

I hope this will open up the time and space for something else that you may not even know that you want.

P.

[dd-b.livejournal.com]

Yeah, "give up eating" (or ask the girls to) isn't really an appropriate suggestion back at the "new things to try" entry, or here either.

Can the girls take the bus back home, and access a dinner left ready to eat? So many point-to-point routes and times it just doesn't work, but it's worth checking. That costs the family time still, but only a couple of nights.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

I did check this already. No bus route connects the dojo and our home, so there's no help there.

[dd-b.livejournal.com]

So you did. And even *mentioned* it. What I get for stepping back to think before replying and then not refreshing my memory of the exact article I'm replying to. Sorry!

[brithistorian.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about this - I know this was really important to you. Hopefully things will change at some point in the future to let you go back to karate.

[kiwiria.livejournal.com]

Drat! I'm sorry :-(

*offers you hugs and cookies*

Oh! A piece of news to (hopefully) make you smile. Since buying it, I've lent "Emerald House Rising" to three different people, all of them coming back with the words: "WOW!!!! SO GOOD!!!!! Do you have anything else by her????????" to which I hand them "Wild Swans" which they then also love :-D

And you know what's really great? After they rave about the book, I get to say that I know the author personally! :-D Perhaps I should send you my book and get you to autograph it for me ;-)

[shandra.livejournal.com]

That's really hard.

This is not advice, just wanted to share something. We had a few years like this in my family growing up, due to music competitions/lessons/etc. My parents asked us girls what we thought and we came up with a variety of solutions depending on the schedule. I think what I learned from it is that families really can work together to make things work so individuals can be supported, including the parents - sometimes. (Sometimes not, of course.)

One year we all packed dinner sandwiches on Thursday nights, and then had desert together. It turned out to be incredibly fun to have a boring meal and then this healthy-but-tasty treat at the end of the evening, and although my memory may have idealized it it seems like people were more relaxed.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

(more relaxed to have the family time AFTER all the activities of the evening, I mean.)

[beth-bernobich.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Sympathies for the disappointment. I totally understand the desire for a family dinner. Here's hoping that you get your chance for karate, sooner or later.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

Dang.

Maybe next year.

And at least you won't have to clean the dojo.

[dreadmouse.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Peg. I know how much you were looking forward to getting back to karate again.

For what it's worth, I think you're right to put your family dinner first. That seems to be one of the best times for bonding and talking, and all of you need that.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

I am sorry to hear it's not worry out.

One thing that helps a little when I have a rowing setback may apply to your karate as well: it makes me much happier to realize that this is something I can work on the rest of my life. It's not like gymnastics where you have a couple good years, or even baseball where you retire by 40. It does suck that you can't do it this year, and I'm not trying to minimize that, but in my case at least it helps me to remember that if I miss a race or a class this year it will be there for me next year or the year after.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

Our dojo and your dojo have varyingly different philosophies (for example, no black belts for anyone under 16, because you have to be mature enough to wear the belt, among other things) - but, one thing sensei always says which I find to be inspiring, is that martial arts is not a sport - it's not exercise - it's not a hobby - it's a lifestyle, it's a way of being and living and doing. So even if you can't take classes at the dojo yet, you can still be there to support the girls, you can still help out around the dojo, maybe you can arrange for private training on a schedule that works for you, maybe this maybe that - but even if NONE of that comes to pass, sensei would tell me, one year out of a lifetime is still only one year and you can seize the opportunity to make the most of it.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

I have just said a prayer for you.

I wonder how often the class schedule changes. And I wonder what all they consider when they do shuffle.