Independence
Jan. 9th, 2007 09:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pegkerrI have had some interesting talks with my sister Betsy over this past holiday season about parenting. Betsy has always been my parenting mentor, and she has talked a lot about transitioning to the empty nest stage (she has four boys, the youngest of whom is sixteen).
I have been thinking a great deal, as a result, of the fact that Fiona will (hopefully!) be leaving for college in just four short years. When I think of it, it just seems so hard to believe, but Betsy assures me that the time will fly by. Fiona is on the smaller side, compared to her peers, but the top of her head already reaches up to my eyebrows. When we got together this past holiday, I was thunderstruck to realize that Leigh, my brother Chet's daughter, six months younger than Fiona, is already taller than me.
So I talked with Betsy a lot about what is involved in helping kids getting ready to leave the nest. Betsy said that her husband Greg is particularly good about this, pressing her kids to become independent decision makers as quickly as possible. In her experience, (with boys) when they are getting ready to leave, they do it by becoming extremely withdrawn, barely ever even speaking to her (the closed oyster stage, she jokes). She has heard from her friends who have girls that conversely girls as they get older sometimes enter the getting-ready-to-leave-stage by continually picking fights with their parents, so by the time their senior year of high school rolls around, parents are sometimes just relieved that they are leaving the house, just to get rid of them.
So I asked Betsy what she has done to move her kids toward independence. She answered that by this age, all her kids were doing their own laundry. I've talked with Fiona, and we're going to institute that, too. She said that all her boys had to get summer jobs at the age of sixteen, and we will be doing that, too. I have opened an account for Fiona for depositing her babysitting money, and I've showed her how to balance her statements; this account is what she will be using to start saving for college (half of everything she earns now goes into this account).
We will probably give her a quarterly clothing allowance when she gets into high school, so she will have to budget and make decisions about what to buy herself.
[One thing I really appreciated about growing up in Illinois was that by law, I had to take a course in high school, a basic consumer awareness course: how to balance a checkbook, what the fine language on credit card agreements meant, how to analyze a commercial, how to read the ingredients list on food packaging, and what I particularly remembered and appreciate, how to recognize a scam. How I wish that other states were enlightened enough to require all students to take such a course. I will probably look for something like this through a community ed program for Fiona.]
What started me thinking about making this entry last night was that we had a situation arise where Fiona got invited to a sleepover by a friend, and then later learned that a confirmation retreat was being held that same weekend. The confirmation teacher has said that if they miss the retreat, they have to make arrangements to make up the work. I was mindful of my conversation with Betsy, and so instead of ordering Fiona by fiat, "You're going to the retreat," I told her that she had to talk with the confirmation leader, telling him of the conflict, and decide on her own what to do.
This is your chance, friends list: for once I am genuinely asking for advice here! Grab the opportunity! Or at least, tell me about your own personal experience, both growing up yourself or (if pertinent) your experience as a parent. What lessons do you think a kid needs to know before being ready to venture out into the world? How do you teach them? What did your parents do when you were moving into high school to help you become independent to leave for college? In what ways did they not prepare you enough? Parents, what are you doing now to ease the transition of your highschooler kids into adulthood? What did you learn on your own despite your parents?
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minnehaha K.? cakmpls? Anyone?
I have been thinking a great deal, as a result, of the fact that Fiona will (hopefully!) be leaving for college in just four short years. When I think of it, it just seems so hard to believe, but Betsy assures me that the time will fly by. Fiona is on the smaller side, compared to her peers, but the top of her head already reaches up to my eyebrows. When we got together this past holiday, I was thunderstruck to realize that Leigh, my brother Chet's daughter, six months younger than Fiona, is already taller than me.
So I talked with Betsy a lot about what is involved in helping kids getting ready to leave the nest. Betsy said that her husband Greg is particularly good about this, pressing her kids to become independent decision makers as quickly as possible. In her experience, (with boys) when they are getting ready to leave, they do it by becoming extremely withdrawn, barely ever even speaking to her (the closed oyster stage, she jokes). She has heard from her friends who have girls that conversely girls as they get older sometimes enter the getting-ready-to-leave-stage by continually picking fights with their parents, so by the time their senior year of high school rolls around, parents are sometimes just relieved that they are leaving the house, just to get rid of them.
So I asked Betsy what she has done to move her kids toward independence. She answered that by this age, all her kids were doing their own laundry. I've talked with Fiona, and we're going to institute that, too. She said that all her boys had to get summer jobs at the age of sixteen, and we will be doing that, too. I have opened an account for Fiona for depositing her babysitting money, and I've showed her how to balance her statements; this account is what she will be using to start saving for college (half of everything she earns now goes into this account).
We will probably give her a quarterly clothing allowance when she gets into high school, so she will have to budget and make decisions about what to buy herself.
[One thing I really appreciated about growing up in Illinois was that by law, I had to take a course in high school, a basic consumer awareness course: how to balance a checkbook, what the fine language on credit card agreements meant, how to analyze a commercial, how to read the ingredients list on food packaging, and what I particularly remembered and appreciate, how to recognize a scam. How I wish that other states were enlightened enough to require all students to take such a course. I will probably look for something like this through a community ed program for Fiona.]
What started me thinking about making this entry last night was that we had a situation arise where Fiona got invited to a sleepover by a friend, and then later learned that a confirmation retreat was being held that same weekend. The confirmation teacher has said that if they miss the retreat, they have to make arrangements to make up the work. I was mindful of my conversation with Betsy, and so instead of ordering Fiona by fiat, "You're going to the retreat," I told her that she had to talk with the confirmation leader, telling him of the conflict, and decide on her own what to do.
This is your chance, friends list: for once I am genuinely asking for advice here! Grab the opportunity! Or at least, tell me about your own personal experience, both growing up yourself or (if pertinent) your experience as a parent. What lessons do you think a kid needs to know before being ready to venture out into the world? How do you teach them? What did your parents do when you were moving into high school to help you become independent to leave for college? In what ways did they not prepare you enough? Parents, what are you doing now to ease the transition of your highschooler kids into adulthood? What did you learn on your own despite your parents?
minnehaha K.? cakmpls? Anyone?![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-09 04:51 pm (UTC)My mom did a great job of teaching me the basic elements of cooking. I do wish she'd let me go off-recipe more when I was cooking for the family: I was bored by it and disliked doing it, whereas I loved cooking pretty much the minute I was allowed to do it on my own ideas. Having someone else cook means that you don't always get to have things exactly as you like them; this is a good thing for everyone to remember, I think, including teenagers.
My school required a similar Consumer Skills class. I tested out of it. The test was much, much harder than the class. The test asked about mutual funds, the class dealt with balancing a checkbook -- that level of discrepancy. But I have no idea how I picked up that stuff, since I know my parents never sat me down with it in my teen years. I think a lot of the stuff they taught me was by osmosis over the years. If they were fixing something, I'd get, "Punk, c'mere, I'm fixing the snowblower," or whatever.
I've talked on my own lj about how much it meant to me that my dad gave me A Brief History of Time when I was 12, but among other things, it really freed me to pursue my own interests on the adult level. It was a quiet vote of confidence that I was ready to go as nuts in the adult nonfiction section as I had in the children's, and I never looked back.
My parents did not interfere with me dating someone really fairly horrible for my first boyfriend and someone vastly unsuitable for my second, and I'm glad. Them stopping me would have been much worse for our relationship in the long-term, and they had given me the resources -- both intellectual and emotional -- not to make long-term damaging decisions within those short-term unpleasant relationships.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-10 04:26 am (UTC)My parents were also very hands-off about who I dated. Overall it's worked well, but I do kinda wish that one of them had said to me at some point, "You know your intended better than I do, of course, but I'm a little concerned about X that I've observed about them. However, I trust your judgement, and this is all I'll ever have to say on the subject." On the other hand, I don't have to worry about them criticizing my partner or spouse either; I know that as long as I'm happy with the person, even if my folks don't like something about them, they'll keep quiet about it.