Obsessiveness
Aug. 25th, 2002 06:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pegkerrTalked to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kijjohnson today, who, to my delight, is finally reading the Lois McMaster Bujold books. She made some remark that she hasn't been able to do anything else, but has simply been gulping them down one after another.
This started a chain of thought for me today that led me to brood on the issue of obsessiveness (a topic which I have obsessively considered before). Right now, I'm re-obsessed with Lord of the Rings, as I just got my DVD copy of the first movie. Kij is like this, too, and in fact, that's one of the bonds between us. Other obsessions I have had over the years, starting from when I was very small:
The Chronicles of Narnia
the Bible
fairy tales
Laura Ingalls Wilder's books
the Lucy M. Montgomery books (Anne of Green Gables and its sequels)
Star Trek
Star Wars
Beauty and the Beast (the television show)
the King Arthur tales
Robin Hood
LOTR, as well as Tolkien's other works
Harry Potter
Jane Austen
Georgette Heyer
Lois McMaster Bujold
This tendency in myself to obsess about story has been an extremely strong aspect of my character, beginning since, I would judge, I was about eight years old. I like stories with a wide scope: many characters, vivid scenery, heroes to cheer for, villains to hiss at. Essentially, I like a fully imagined world (scenery AND character AND history AND . . .), where I can totally lose myself.
This has always totally baffled my family (by which I mean my family of origin; my husband understands this completely). Why is Peg going to see Star Wars for the ____nth time? I couldn't explain it when I was 16 years old, and it always rather embarrassed me. Other people around me were able to read a story or see a movie and shrug and say, "Well, that was interesting" or "I suppose that was rather good," and then go away and forget about it. But not me. My imagination has always seemed to need some story that I turn over and over and over in my mind (like Gollum muttering over his "Precious," I suppose--I forget who it was who remarked that Gollum is a picture-perfect example of the psychological concept of addiction).
As I've grown older, I understand it a little better, I think, although it still is somewhat embarrassing to admit, even to myself. I tend to hide the full extent of my obsession from the people who know me (by which I mean the Muggle, or mundane world: my coworkers, for example). And yet, I have to admit to myself, that a large part of my life is spent simply thinking about whatever it is I am obsessing about the most. At work nowadays, I replay the LOTR:FOTR movie continually in my head, or listen to the soundtrack in my mind, or think about the fanfiction I've read lately, all while continuing to do my work. I would estimate that at least 50% of every day sometimes is spent just thinking about whatever my current obsession is. At night, I'll surf the Internet, or read essays about an author, or simply brood. I turn stories over and over in my mind, thinking about how the author created them, how the characters interact, how the world is made vivid, and about the issues and themes revealed in the story: how do you go on with your life if your greatest love was someone has died? How do you get over being betrayed? How can you be a hero when you are scared to death? How do you show faith when you have never had anything to depend on in your life? How do you come to know and understand yourself truly in your relationship with other people--both in people you love and people you hate? Who are you, and how does that change as your role in life changes, and as you make hard choices?
Why do I do this? I don't know. Sometimes (quite often, really) I wish that I didn't, and I get totally exasperated with myself. But I have done a good deal of reading about the creative process, and I have learned that this is a tendency that is shared by many other creators. C.S. Lewis wrote approvingly of those readers who read stories over and over; he thought more highly of them than readers who read something only once. The Bronte children, for example, built a whole imaginary world as children, based on the toy wooden soldiers that Branwell owned, which they turned into a series of stories set in "Glass Town," later "Verdopolis" and "Angria." Tolkien himself is another great example, of course, brooding over his imaginary languages and the history of Middle Earth. I take comfort sometimes, when I get too discouraged over the fact that I have been blocked from writing fiction for a number of years, by remembering that Tolkien himself was a blocked writer, and the book that he wanted to publish the most he never finished, although he put fifty years of work into it (The Simarillion).
I find that my tendency to obsess is closely related to my tendency to feel stories deeply. Stories move me more than most people, I think. I say this and wince--it seems downright conceited somehow (I feel more deeply than you do). Yet I really believe it's true. Someone who knows me pretty well once remarked that I have less of a carapace protecting me from the outside world than most people do, and so that I get much more rocked my life's joys and woes than most. Powerful stories feed right into that, plugging right into my imagination, jolting me like someone mainlining heroin.
It's both a curse and a gift, I think. Obsessing can give me wild delight, but it also uses vast reserves of physic energy, reserves which the wise part of me knows I should be using creating my own work, but I don't because I'm obsessing over someone else's work. I worry, too, that I might lose track of my own life because I've sunk so deeply into an imaginary one. Perhaps it has gotten worse since I have discovered the Internet. It used to be, when I was stuck in a particular obsession, I would quietly keep it to myself because I didn't know any other people who felt about a certain story as I did. Now, with the Internet, it's very easy to find many, many people just as obsessed as me. The possibility for endless time-wasting, in discussions, in speculations, in mutual delight, grows exponentially.
I think that the Internet has made things both easier and harder for the obsessive creator. We have the ability to find each other now. But if you want to create your own stuff, as, say, a fantasy novel fiction writer, the Internet can stand for a continual temptation to forget your own work and immerse yourself in someone else's work. Who knows how many great Tolkiens this generation might have produced who instead frittered all their time away playing computer games on line?
Throwing this out for thought. I think I'll go re-read "Leaf, by Niggle" by Tolkien, which he wrote in conjunction with his essay "Tree and Leaf," about fairy stories. He wrote it as he was struggling with the fear that his obsessiveness over detail would prevent him from ever finishing The Silmarillion.
Cheers,
Peg
P.S. Aargh. There's a bat flying around in the house. Must go deal with this.
kijjohnson today, who, to my delight, is finally reading the Lois McMaster Bujold books. She made some remark that she hasn't been able to do anything else, but has simply been gulping them down one after another.This started a chain of thought for me today that led me to brood on the issue of obsessiveness (a topic which I have obsessively considered before). Right now, I'm re-obsessed with Lord of the Rings, as I just got my DVD copy of the first movie. Kij is like this, too, and in fact, that's one of the bonds between us. Other obsessions I have had over the years, starting from when I was very small:
The Chronicles of Narnia
the Bible
fairy tales
Laura Ingalls Wilder's books
the Lucy M. Montgomery books (Anne of Green Gables and its sequels)
Star Trek
Star Wars
Beauty and the Beast (the television show)
the King Arthur tales
Robin Hood
LOTR, as well as Tolkien's other works
Harry Potter
Jane Austen
Georgette Heyer
Lois McMaster Bujold
This tendency in myself to obsess about story has been an extremely strong aspect of my character, beginning since, I would judge, I was about eight years old. I like stories with a wide scope: many characters, vivid scenery, heroes to cheer for, villains to hiss at. Essentially, I like a fully imagined world (scenery AND character AND history AND . . .), where I can totally lose myself.
This has always totally baffled my family (by which I mean my family of origin; my husband understands this completely). Why is Peg going to see Star Wars for the ____nth time? I couldn't explain it when I was 16 years old, and it always rather embarrassed me. Other people around me were able to read a story or see a movie and shrug and say, "Well, that was interesting" or "I suppose that was rather good," and then go away and forget about it. But not me. My imagination has always seemed to need some story that I turn over and over and over in my mind (like Gollum muttering over his "Precious," I suppose--I forget who it was who remarked that Gollum is a picture-perfect example of the psychological concept of addiction).
As I've grown older, I understand it a little better, I think, although it still is somewhat embarrassing to admit, even to myself. I tend to hide the full extent of my obsession from the people who know me (by which I mean the Muggle, or mundane world: my coworkers, for example). And yet, I have to admit to myself, that a large part of my life is spent simply thinking about whatever it is I am obsessing about the most. At work nowadays, I replay the LOTR:FOTR movie continually in my head, or listen to the soundtrack in my mind, or think about the fanfiction I've read lately, all while continuing to do my work. I would estimate that at least 50% of every day sometimes is spent just thinking about whatever my current obsession is. At night, I'll surf the Internet, or read essays about an author, or simply brood. I turn stories over and over in my mind, thinking about how the author created them, how the characters interact, how the world is made vivid, and about the issues and themes revealed in the story: how do you go on with your life if your greatest love was someone has died? How do you get over being betrayed? How can you be a hero when you are scared to death? How do you show faith when you have never had anything to depend on in your life? How do you come to know and understand yourself truly in your relationship with other people--both in people you love and people you hate? Who are you, and how does that change as your role in life changes, and as you make hard choices?
Why do I do this? I don't know. Sometimes (quite often, really) I wish that I didn't, and I get totally exasperated with myself. But I have done a good deal of reading about the creative process, and I have learned that this is a tendency that is shared by many other creators. C.S. Lewis wrote approvingly of those readers who read stories over and over; he thought more highly of them than readers who read something only once. The Bronte children, for example, built a whole imaginary world as children, based on the toy wooden soldiers that Branwell owned, which they turned into a series of stories set in "Glass Town," later "Verdopolis" and "Angria." Tolkien himself is another great example, of course, brooding over his imaginary languages and the history of Middle Earth. I take comfort sometimes, when I get too discouraged over the fact that I have been blocked from writing fiction for a number of years, by remembering that Tolkien himself was a blocked writer, and the book that he wanted to publish the most he never finished, although he put fifty years of work into it (The Simarillion).
I find that my tendency to obsess is closely related to my tendency to feel stories deeply. Stories move me more than most people, I think. I say this and wince--it seems downright conceited somehow (I feel more deeply than you do). Yet I really believe it's true. Someone who knows me pretty well once remarked that I have less of a carapace protecting me from the outside world than most people do, and so that I get much more rocked my life's joys and woes than most. Powerful stories feed right into that, plugging right into my imagination, jolting me like someone mainlining heroin.
It's both a curse and a gift, I think. Obsessing can give me wild delight, but it also uses vast reserves of physic energy, reserves which the wise part of me knows I should be using creating my own work, but I don't because I'm obsessing over someone else's work. I worry, too, that I might lose track of my own life because I've sunk so deeply into an imaginary one. Perhaps it has gotten worse since I have discovered the Internet. It used to be, when I was stuck in a particular obsession, I would quietly keep it to myself because I didn't know any other people who felt about a certain story as I did. Now, with the Internet, it's very easy to find many, many people just as obsessed as me. The possibility for endless time-wasting, in discussions, in speculations, in mutual delight, grows exponentially.
I think that the Internet has made things both easier and harder for the obsessive creator. We have the ability to find each other now. But if you want to create your own stuff, as, say, a fantasy novel fiction writer, the Internet can stand for a continual temptation to forget your own work and immerse yourself in someone else's work. Who knows how many great Tolkiens this generation might have produced who instead frittered all their time away playing computer games on line?
Throwing this out for thought. I think I'll go re-read "Leaf, by Niggle" by Tolkien, which he wrote in conjunction with his essay "Tree and Leaf," about fairy stories. He wrote it as he was struggling with the fear that his obsessiveness over detail would prevent him from ever finishing The Silmarillion.
Cheers,
Peg
P.S. Aargh. There's a bat flying around in the house. Must go deal with this.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-25 05:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-25 07:11 pm (UTC)This paragraph really struck home, for me. My obsessions have included Star Trek, Babylon 5, Homicide, Tolkien's work, Ewan McGregor, C.S. Lewis, and the list goes on. I've been wrestling for at least the past year with detaching from online fandom in order to do my own creative stuff, and am still wrestling with it as I steadily learn how to settle down and write stories again. My mantra lately has been: "Do ya think Stephen King spends all his time re-loading Livejournal?" I wonder if it ever gets any easier to tear oneself away from the Net and from other people's creative output in general.
It must be acknowledged . . .
Date: 2002-08-25 07:21 pm (UTC)P.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-25 08:12 pm (UTC)-M
in total agreement
Date: 2002-08-25 09:27 pm (UTC)I understand exactly what you mean. I think most writers who feel passionately about the art tend to do that -- it's a natural thing, to have strong reactions to quality stories that actually draw us into the universe, since that's something we can deeply appreciate as being good writing. Evoking a reaction in me is the #1 requisite for any book that I would consider "good" and would rave about to my friends (by the way Peg, I recommended Wild Swans to one of my good friends and she said she'd look for it to take on her plane ride!)
At the risk of sounding like I'm stalking you, which I'm not *g*, that was the reason I wrote that monstrously long email to you about "Wild Swans", because it touched me, and that's a rare thing with books these days. I didn't just enjoy it on the surface level of its slashy themes, but on a fundamental level -- and I was bloody pleased that I could actually write you, as the author, to tell you so.
Obsessions I've had before? Hmm. When I was a kid I was obsessed with Enid Blyton. My first fanfic was an EB one, when I was five I think. I must go and muse more in length about that in my own LJ one of these days. Besides that, recently my obsessions have been:
Harry Potter
Lord of the Rings
Alias (tv show)
HP for its originality and sheer entertainment value, LOTR because it's the classic blueprint of all fantasy. Alias because the plot rocks, the boys are cute (all right! all right!) and she's the first female lead character I actually adore.
Rhysenn
(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-25 09:30 pm (UTC)Authors who spend a lot of time world-building certainly confirm this hypothesis. At the same time, world-building provides the necessary back-story. I remember Katya Reimann (an old and dear friend) locking herself away for 2 weeks, writing up 200 years of history and 50 years of political intrigue for her trilogy. It was as if she was studying for a History exam, except she was *creating* the history. Not all of that work appeared in her books, but she had to go through that to know where her characters came from and why they were where they were. As they say in theatre, every exit is an entrance to somewhere else. (And the reverse is true: when you enter a scene, you have to be comeing from somewhere else).
I'm a tech writer myself, and I know that sometimes you have to obsess about details (and write them out) before you know what parts to throw away. I don't believe that obsession with detail is ever wasted; the tricky part is knowing the difference between "process" and "product." If you figure that out, for God's sake, PUBLISH. :-}
Not to lead you down more primose paths to perdition, but have you read Dorothy Dunnett's Lymond Chronicles? Six books of historical fiction, all with chess-related titles (Game of Kings, Queen's Play, Disorderly Knights, Pawn in Frankincense, The Ringed Castle, Checkmate), set in the last 10 years of Mary Tudor's reign. Fantastic books (I've worn out copies of these, too -- I discovered them twenty-ump years ago...), incredibly well researched, even to the music.
And if you haven't run across Laurie King's Mary Russell stories, you're in for a serious treat...
PS: How did you deal with the bat?
(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-25 11:46 pm (UTC)I'm usually too shy to comment on your other thought-provoking questions, but I must say, this entry hit home for me. I stuggled with the same ideas in my own journal recently, only I was unable to write about obsession as eloquently as you have. I have experienced all of the points you highlighted, especially the part about feeling stories deeply. I also have obessed over many of the same fictions you listed.
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. You put your finger on a concept that has been bothering me for a couple weeks now.
love, lore
Some just...
Date: 2002-08-26 09:24 am (UTC)The key is this: It's not plot, it's pattern. It seems perfectly reasonable to listen to a favorite symphony more than once, and some stories have patterns that can be appreciated multiple times, the way musical patterns can.
Well, that -- and Harry Potter is just so durned COOL. Really.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-26 09:26 am (UTC)I know I don't obsess the same way you do - I get caught thinking about something, but it isn't necessarily a story - or length of stories.
Another author that does this - and has a difficult time writing at length - is PC Hodgell.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-26 02:05 pm (UTC)For me the obssession is addictive yet to some degree sterile. One thing I would love to find a way to do is to turn it around so that it can be fertile for me -- so that the act of living in someone else's world helps me to create worlds of my own.
Re: in total agreement
Date: 2002-08-26 07:18 pm (UTC)Dorothy Dunnett . . .
Date: 2002-08-26 07:24 pm (UTC)(My "must read someday" list is huge, and I'm starting to realize I won't read all of 'em before I kick the bucket.)
Peg
Don't be shy!
Date: 2002-08-26 07:33 pm (UTC)Cheers,
Peg
(no subject)
Date: 2002-08-27 02:42 pm (UTC)Instead I get obsessive over nonfiction topics. Except for horses and dinosaurs, I don't recall nonfiction being the drug of choice when I was a child, but when I got to college and into the Paracollege I learned the addictive pleasure of immersive study of a topic, the more abstruse the better. There was subRoman Britain, and then canid behaviorism and the Franklin expedition and Heian Japan. I haven't found a new Ecstacy in years, perhaps because I am required to keep exploring an old one for the book I'm working on now (and then the next one). Perhaps this is why I have been so disgruntled lately.
Nonfiction seems safer to me than fiction, somehow, perhaps because it's so much work, especially if you stray from the usual paths in a topic (Heian garden design, anyone?).
On the other hand, until the Internet and fanfic, fiction had a certain built-in regulator: eventually you would run out of that author's books. It's a lot easier to find six hundred different books on Heian Japan.
Re: in total agreement
Date: 2002-08-27 08:17 pm (UTC)P.
obsessiveness
Date: 2007-04-10 06:56 pm (UTC)I am not articulate. Most of the times I find myself struggling to find words to describe what I think, what I believe, what I feel… and of course, I always fall short. And if I do have some of the words, they struggle with my innate shyness to come out and reveal to someone what I think. The result is usually a mish-mash of half-developed ideas, being said with plenty of stuttering and stammering and with the growing horror that I actually said what I said to someone who is looking at me like I am very …odd.
Your Aug 25, 2002 reflections on Obsessiveness, are so well expressed that I found myself saying “Aha! That is exactly what I feel!” many times during my reading of it. And I thank you for that. I too am a brooder of story. The questions that you posed:
"how do you go on with your life if your greatest love was someone has died? How do you get over being betrayed? How can you be a hero when you are scared to death?…"
have occupied my mind for most of my life, and in someway have always been connected with my obsessions, be they martial arts, books, music, dance, knitting…
"I find that my tendency to obsess is closely related to my tendency to feel stories deeply. Stories move me more than most people, I think. I say this and wince--it seems downright conceited somehow (I feel more deeply than you do). Yet I really believe it's true. Someone who knows me pretty well once remarked that I have less of a carapace protecting me from the outside world than most people do, and so that I get much more rocked my life's joys and woes than most. Powerful stories feed right into that, plugging right into my imagination, jolting me like someone mainlining heroin."
And the above is so familiar… You have expressed the “sensitivity” aspect of my character so well. Since childhood, I have been “blessed and cursed” by my proneness to react profoundly to story… to beauty... and to other people’s feelings so that at times I have sought solitude so that I can regain balance and serenity. However, my need to be creative, to be a “maker”, is at its strongest when I most affected-hence the blessing. Many a bad poem, half-finished story, and truly appalling knitwear have been made when I am in this state of “having to create”…
I think I digress... and cannot think on how to close this post gracefully so, I will thank you for your generosity in sharing your Live Journal with me, I’ve got to go and do laundry (which has piled up alarmingly over the weekend. Must be the boys…) and maybe fulfill my need to "create" by folding the clothes origami style!
Have a great day!
Paula