It's Angst Central at Chez Nous

[pegkerr]

I rode the bike all the way both ways today. It became clear when I reached Heartbreak Hill, a block from my house, that I had really reached my physical limit. I had to get off the bike and walk it up the hill.

When I got into the house, I came in the back door and saw, as usual, a cluttered kitchen with dirty dishes overflowing every counter. I have done five loads of dishes in the past three days; Rob has done one. Guess whose job it is in our house to do the dishes? Yep. It's Rob's.

I was bone-weary with exhaustion, and somehow, this seemed like the last straw. I burst into tears. Rob found me there, peeling off my coat and shaking with fatigue, and sent me off to the bathtub while he did the dishes.

I desperately wanted to eat out, but dammit, no money. So I crawled downstairs and made scalloped potatoes, and fried up a ham steak. I threw together a slaw of shredded cabbage and carrots and chunks of grapefruit, tossed with rice vinegar and sugar.

Fiona refused the slaw and potatoes. Delia refused everything. Rob warmed up some tomato soup for her. She refused that because she didn't like the color (too pinkish instead of red). Then she burst into tears because the last of the milk had been used to make the tomato soup, and so there was no milk for cereal. I looked around the table. Both Fiona and Rob had their eyes closed, as if from exhaustion or headache.

We went around the table and asked the usual question: What was the good thing about your day? Everyone had difficulty coming up with anything.

Delia finally resorted to the pumpkin waffles I had made over the weekend and stored in the freezer.

Now I have to go clean the damn dojo.

Comments

[loup_noir]

Sweetheart,

You should not have to deal with this sort of thing. A deal is a deal and doing dishes is not that big of a deal. Rob should do it right after dinner. Can you steer him in that direction? No, really. Your frustration with this makes me so very sad. This should be a simple thing. Dishes into the sink, some soap, a little scrubbing and done.

You're cleaning the dojo for the kids. Can't they help?

Peg, what are you doing for you? I worry that you're so busy making everyone else happy that you've nothing for yourself. You're important, too.

[faithhopetricks.livejournal.com]

This probably won't help much at all, but I find your fortitude and amazing. I find your gutting it out an inspiration to think of when trying to slog through my own (much smaller and more manageable) problems.

(That said, BOO on husbands who renege on doing the dishes. Mine does the same damn thing. I am tempted to try a Lysistratean solution.)

[jbru.livejournal.com]

Well, when you get home from the dojo, it'll be Time 4 Bed!

[nmalfoy.livejournal.com]

Seems like you're hitting your limit, and no wonder. I don't know if your family is starting to realize the strain they're putting you under, but it seems as if they are. I don't know why Rob isn't helping with the dishes, or helping you clean the dojo, but times like this will hopefully serve as a reminder. Marriage is a partnership and you can't do it all alone, as you know. Can Rob cook? I've always wondered about that.

*hugs* Bathtub sounds like a very good idea for you. And the cycling will get easier. Promise.

{Hug}

[alfreda89.livejournal.com]

You know...it will not hurt the girls to go to bed hungry. 1/3 of the kids in the US do it every night, I'm sad to say. The rule growing up was, you eat what Mom has prepared, or you go hungry. Later, when we were old enough, we were allowed to make ourselves something else -- if we TOTALLY cleaned up after it.

I was able to thaw meat, soak fresh broc and such in salted water, make bread, etc. and even desserts by the time I was the girls' ages. Perhaps they and Rob should learn a little bit about cooking?

I can send you two tree stump simple and tasty dinners, if the girls will eat beef. If not, one recipe can be converted to chicken or tofu, and I also have a moist turkey burger recipe I can send.

And Peg -- I believe in you. But you must have a niche of time for yourself, even if it's only going out at lunch and sitting in a green area watching the snow melt. Claim that time -- you need it more than ever!

[mereilin.livejournal.com]

I've noticed a pattern that you often need to vent without actually wanting your readers to offer suggestions, but I have to ask... Rob's job ended and he's home all day? The dishes would be the least I'd expect my husband to be doing. I'd send mine off to clean the damn dojo. (Although he gets points for stepping up to the plate when he notices you've reached your limit.)

We were in a similar bind when I was pregnant with our first, and my husband found himself laid off. For weeks -- it seemed longer -- he inexplicably seemed to think he was contributing enough by teaching ballet two nights a week for a woman who consistently "forgot" to pay him, keeping the couch warm, and making sure the TV remote got a good workout.

Meanwhile I was working a full-time job (commuting 60 miles a day) and also teaching two nights a week, and yes, cooking and housework remained on my primary duties list -- so your recent entries are striking a bit of a nerve with me.

Anyway, we got through it. I'm sure you will, too, and I've been reading you long enough to know that there's enough love in your family to see you all through this difficult time.

Good luck.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

He's still working full time (for another five and a half weeks) and he takes his turn cleaning the dojo, too. And he damn will take that job over entirely when he's out of work entirely.

And in his defense, he was upstairs catching up on Quicken. Which he needs to do so we can do our taxes.

But he never sees the point of doing dishes, dammit. We have fought over this for years.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

If Rob doesn't see "the point of doing dishes," you may own too many dishes--so that there's always a clean one? It would involve being willing to waste a bit of food, but I suggest serving dinner on obviously dirty dishes.

How about keeping a dish drainer next to the sink and getting one of those dish scrubbers that holds soap in the handle, and making it the rule that as soon as one is finished eating or drinking anything, one cleans and rinses one's dishes and puts them in the drainer? It wouldn't help with the pots and pans, but it would cut down on the piles.

Or combine the two ideas: anyone who doesn't wash their dishes is served their next meal on the dirty ones.

[nwl.livejournal.com]

To add to the idea of NOT washing dishes, why not get a supply of paper plates, cups, plastic "silverware" and put the good dishes away (like in storage)? I keep a supply, from the dollar store, and we use them for snacks and, occasionally, dinner. Unless there was something sloppy on them, we reuse them, as a sandwich or cookie doesn't get a plate dirty.

Now for pots and pans, when they are dirty, I would think the point would be taken about washing them.

I would hope your hubby is already considering his post-job time - the daily jobs such as cleaning (dusting, vacuuming, picking up) and cooking (what are his ideas for dinner during the week?). He'll also be available for all daytime activities such as taking the children around and grocery shopping. Consider, what would be expected if YOU were the one home all day? Those should be his daily work, as well as job hunting.

Of course, if he geared up and found a job just as his old one went away, he wouldn't have to worry about that. Just saying.

Unfortunately, I'm too far away to do anything other than say I'll keep you in my thoughts.

[http://users.livejournal.com/anam_cara_/]

I did the paper plate routine for our household when I was in graduate school, I cringed at first, it seemed so wasteful, but really in the long run, it was well worth it to my time and energy and stress of piles of dirty dishes. It also broke my son of the habit of getting out a new plate every hour when he had a snack- he used paper towels more and reused the plate for the next snack, rather than tossing a dish in the sink that merely had bread crumbs on it.

[dustybinx.livejournal.com]

All I can offer are hugs but you can have as many as you need.

{{{{{peg}}}}}

[amethistdolphin.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[skg.livejournal.com]

I know you may just want to vent, so if that is the case feel free to ignore the below:

You have a family of picky eaters and it is all being put on you.

Might it be possible to sit down at the beginning of the week and assign each one dinner for a weeknight? The girls are certainly old enough now that they can prepare a basic healthy dinner. If it was assigned at the beginning of the week, you could all ensure that the ingredients were available and that each person knew which night they had (chart on the fridge or some such).

And whoever is in charge of dinner does the cleanup for that night. It makes each person "on duty" for their particular night and gives everyone else a break.

I also concur with the other postings about eat what's served or tough crap. A few nights of being hungry might make the "too pinkish instead of red" type finicky behavior disappear.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

We have a slightly different variation in my house: whoever cooks doesn't have to clean. Thing is, by the time you've made the dinner you really *don't* feel like cleaning it up - so in self-defense you get pretty good about cleaning when the other one cooks, so that they have no excuse not to clean up after you.

This could be a problem if one person habitually makes meals requiring lots of bowls and pans, but we have a dishwasher; loading a large load is about the same amount of work as washing a small one by hand.

[mizzlaurajean.livejournal.com]

Hope today is better!

Are you guys Coming to our Luau Saturday?
Sounds like you are do for some family fun and some volcanic punch!

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

Hurray for getting all the way to work and back under your own steam! The upside of walking up a hill is that walking/pushing burns more calories because it's less efficient than riding.

Are you getting enough of the right kinds of things to eat yourself? I wonder if you need to be eating more/differently at lunch or before you leave work in the afternoon, in order to cope with the physical and emotional challenges between then and eating dinner.

[eal.livejournal.com]

Way to go with the bike, Peg! I'm soooo impressed with you.

As for the rest, {{{hugs}}} are all I have to offer. And wishes of good luck.

[aome.livejournal.com]

Wishful revenge: tonight just cook for yourself, and announce that since your culinary efforts aren't appreciated, they can fend for themselves. And wash their own dishes if they want to have something clean to eat off of. :P I think I'd be ready to throttle them - I know how snubbed I feel when Two turns up her nose at dinner, and she's usually the only semi-picky one, and how annoyed I am if Will doesn't have time for the dinner dishes in the morning. So, anyway - my sympathies for a rotten day. *hug*

[volkhvoi.livejournal.com]

Argg! How hair-tearing!

Ok, another free useless advice post (worth every penny!).

I used to work at a boarding school kitchen, catering to every variety of picky eater from meat-and-potatoes to strict (and not-so-strict) vegans.

We always had jam, honey, bread (oh, the distress when we shifted to whole wheat!) and peanut butter (more distress when we shifted to unsweetened and the manager had to explain to two suffering students that they could mix in a little honey) for those who didn't want any of the hot bar/cold salad options on offer. It meant there was a last ditch option, and also (for the manager) a check on what was and wasn't popular - if we went through lots of bread, we didn't serve whatever it was again. At least not for a few weeks. 8)

Anything that was popular got served on a regular schedule eg. blt's every Wednesday lunch. And we had a fairly short list of evening meal options that was on random rotation through a month (eg. mac and cheese, several varieties of bean hash, tofu fried in peanut butter sauce, a daily soup).

Alternately, you could send them off on a school exchange to a foreign country! :> My husband credits a college year in USSR with curing his food pickiness. Hard to be picky about a total menu of bread, potatoes and onions. Eggs as a treat. Mashed turnip in rusting tins if bread (the only reliably available item on this list) was not available. Period.

I just can't help myself....giving advice, that is

[ceelee.livejournal.com]

I applaud you for your bike riding efforts.

I have 4 kids and when they were all at home we used paper plates. We recycled them and so I felt less guilty about using paper. It was a real stress release!

People of my age (60) remember that we kids did the dishes!! And the funny part, much as we whined and complained, now we talk about that as some of the best times of bonding we sibs had.

Your kids are controlling you with their food stuff...I would read a book or two about what you can do to get yourself out of that cycle. The sooner the kids learn you aren't going to buy into it, the sooner they will let it go. Sooner or later the have to learn that it is unacceptable to be picky...nothing is more boring. (ask Cookie Monster)