Karate longings

[pegkerr]

Now that Fiona has passed her double black stripe test, the schedule has changed yet again:

Monday:
both girls

Tuesday:
Fiona
clean dojo

Wednesday:
Delia

Thursday:
clean dojo

Friday:
both girls (sparring)

Saturday:
both girls

Sunday:
clean dojo

You will note that I am at the dojo seven days a week, unless Rob picks up the Thursday or Sunday cleaning. (He says, however, he will take over most of the cleaning when his job stops, after next week).

As I took pictures of the belt tests last Saturday, I felt the longing welling up again. Being there every day is like rubbing my nose in it: I wish, oh I wish I could be taking it, too. Besides the fact that we can't afford to have me take it, what with the layoff, interweaving my classes with the girls' classes is a scheduling nightmare. (See here and here.)

I try to tell myself it's okay. It's only temporary. Maybe I'll be able to take it when the girls get to black belt class, or when they go away to college. I try to tell myself that I didn't really like the sparring part of karate anyway. I try to tell myself, don't you remember the way it made your hips hurt? Don't you remember how frustrated you used to get because your hamstrings were so tight and you couldn't kick high enough?

But the karate student in me still craves to study. I still bow whenever I enter or leave the dojo. I still can feel the urge to pick up and rotate for a side kick. I still do slow front kicks at the coffee maker at work when nobody else is around. I walk down the corridor at work, and I can feel my muscles wanting to do turn-step-step-offensive side kick, or practice classical marching basics (sudo block, low block, lift, front kick punch, front kick punch, front kick punch . . .)

Yesterday, I went outside for my midmorning break as usual. Instead of going for my walk over the Stone Arch Bridge, I wandered over to a concrete area in front of the bridge that had a railing around it. I could practice slow kicks here, holding onto the railing, I thought. It's the perfect height. I took off my shoes, until I saw a piece of glass, and then I put them on again. I did some slow kicks, and I did some classical marching basics, and then I did as much of one of my forms as I could remember. The muscle memory is still there, but it is beginning to fade.

I was fighting tears as I left to go back inside.

Edited to add: I'm not asking anyone to solve this for me, nor asking for advice. I'm just venting.

Comments

[serenya-loreden.livejournal.com]

Is there room at home to do some practice, to keep the muscle memory, even if are not advancing? Do the girls practice at home at all, such that you could do so with them? Are there any DVDs available?

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Well, that's what I'm trying to do, to keep practicing. It's better than letting it slide, but it's frustrating in its own way.

[serenya-loreden.livejournal.com]

Aye, I can see that :/ I'm sorry that there is really no good answer, since it is obviously really important to you.

[http://users.livejournal.com/anam_cara_/]

Why don't you keep up with the forms you know at home? Maintain, even if you can't progress belt-wise?

Why don't you practice a few minutes each night before you begin cleaning the dojo?

Just curious.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Yes, I do practice at the dojo sometimes before cleaning, too. (The thing is, I'm always short on sleep the next day, because I don't finish cleaning until 10:30, and then I have to get up at 5:30 a.m. the next day.)

[http://users.livejournal.com/anam_cara_/]

Yes, time is quite the commodity...

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

What would it take for you to be able to take more karate classes yourself?

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Money and more hours in the day.

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

For money we could always take up a collection, but the hours in a day are such as they are.

[bluewaterlilies.livejournal.com]

Could your girls help you train? Teaching a skill is one of the best ways to learn it, after all.

[naomikritzer]

It's just not fair that with all the work you put in to make it possible for the girls to take karate (the driving, the dojo cleaning, the driving, the schedule juggling, the driving, the meal preparation, the driving...) you aren't able to take classes as well. It makes me really frustrated on your behalf.

[aome.livejournal.com]

I would feel the same despair if my children took hula lessons and I couldn't. I'm so sorry, Peg. *hug*

Just out of curiosity - and you don't have to tell if you don't want to - how expensive *IS* Karate?

[eal.livejournal.com]

Oh how I know the frustration, though right now, it's not so bad. B just signed on for another year of Gymboree. That pretty much kissed my 20 year reunion goodbye.

Sigh.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

Does that mean that the brown-belt-with-double-black-stripe students train with the actual black belts? I imagine that must be awesome and humbling.

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

No, they are in separate classes.

[bohemianspirit.livejournal.com]

I try to tell myself it's okay. It's only temporary.

It is. It is.

Worst-case scenario, you do what you can to stay in shape for another few years till Fiona's out of high school; scheduling your own classes around only one child instead of two should be much more doable.

Mitigations to the worst-case scenario:

Fiona may find another way to get to and from her lessons before she is out of high school. High school students have a way of doing that, somewhere between freshman year and senior year. ;-) In which case, you will only be chauffeuring one child instead of two, etc., see above.

Rob will be picking up some of the dojo cleaning duties, thus freeing up some of your time and energy to at least do some serious practicing at home. Still not taking classes, but you'll have room to breathe again.

Eventually Rob will be employed again, easing the current financial strain and relieving you of dojo detail.

So... no solutions, but I had to at least delineate a few hopeful possiblities. ;-) Feel free to shoot 'em down if it will make you feel better.

[starsthatguide.livejournal.com]

I have nothing to offer but a virtual hug and an ear here in cyberspace.
**hugs**

[sarekofvulcan.livejournal.com]

Vent away, Peg. I know the feeling all too well.

[dichroic.livejournal.com]

I'm frustrated too now, vicariously. (I think your writing here is as powerful some days as the fiction of yours I've read, incidentally.) I hope karate is something you can do for enough years of your life that this period of involuntary exile is just a blip when you look back on it later on.

(When we moved to Arizona there was no place to row for the first four years or so. They opened Tempe Town Lake in 1999 or 2000, and now when I look back on my decade in that area, the time I spent involved in rowing somehow seems much longer than the time before it.)

[mayakda.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[vass]

*sympathy*

[pazlazuli.livejournal.com]

After I got pregnant with Joram, I had to stop teaching and practicing martials arts on a regular basis. Then I had Roane, and that completely cabashed any practice for a number of years while I struggled to adjust to being a mother to two young children and working (at a software company) and keeping my sanity... All in all, I was inactive for about 7 - 8 years. I lost a lot during that time: muscle AND muscle memory! :)

But not the love of the martial arts.

I understand your frustration. I also did slow kicks at odd places and times (holding a sidekick while brushing my teeth, roundkicks while washing dishes) and that really helps. The day will come when you are able to again be a student in body (you are a student in spirit) and the breakroom slowkicks and the mental katas will have kept you primed for your return to the classroom.

If there is any time that you need to vent some more, or just need a sympathetic hug, let me know... :)

[pegkerr.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much. It does help (and give me hope) to hear of your experience.